The Confession (11 page)

“I am foremost a man with
emotions and desires. I regret my decision to come back to this
parish. Seeing my brother and his wife has dredged up too many
painful memories. I feel the need to escape once again. How long do
I have to keep running from my past? Have I not lived my
life
by
the teaching of the Bible?”

Father O’Connell reaches out and
touches my shoulder. “Deep in your soul, you know you only have one
option. Remember The Eighth Commandment ‘Thou shall not bear false
witness.’ Lying to conceal the truth is a sin of omission and at
the end of the day resolves nothing. You must face the consequences
of your actions. Think upon this for a few days. I know you will
make the correct decision.”

I rise from my chair and kneel before
Father O’Connell to receive his blessing.

The meeting with Father Mallard the
next day was acrimonious. “I have requested this meeting because I
want to know how you intend to handle the problem with Gail’s
parentage.”

Adam gripped the arm of
his
chair
and took a deep breath. He did not want to punch
another priest. “I fail to see how this concerns you, or the
church. This is a private family matter, and will be dealt with by
my family.”

“I will not have the church
disgraced by the actions of Father Brady.” He turned to face John.
“You should have informed me of these events
before
accepting
the position. I do not want you associated with my
church.”

A foreign emotion grips me,
anger. “If you reviewed my file
prior to
my arrival, you would
have been well informed. I had previously confessed my sin to
Father Randall, and The Cardinal. His Eminence is well aware of my
history. My entire clerical life is available for you to review. If
it is your wish for me to leave St. Peter’s Church, I suggest you
take the issue to The Cardinal. I will not be coerced.”

Adam begrudgingly agreed
with John. “This matter is closed Father Mallard. Do not attempt to
contact my
daughter
or any member of my
family.”

The
anger
in Father
Mallard’s voice was clear for all to hear. “I would suggest you
counsel your family on the merits of silence. If I hear even the
slightest rumor, I will take all necessary actions to protect the
reputation of this church.”

“Is this a threat?” I ask, stunned by
the subtle insinuation.

“Think of it as an
incentive to remain diligent,
John,
” Father Mallard said
coldly. He rose from behind his desk and left the room.

John looked
at
Adam in confusion. “I do not like being
threatened.”

Adam agreed. “Neither do I,
John.”

My clerical collar feels like a noose
around my desk. I am angry. Father Mallard was out of line, and I
will not let anything or anyone hurt Gail. I need to see my
daughter. I have an overwhelming urge to look at her beautiful
face. What is happening to me? I know I will never be a part of her
life. Should anyone outside the church discover the truth about my
daughter, it would force me to admit my sin to the congregation,
and further hurt and shame my family. I will not let that
happen.

The drive back to the
hospital takes about
ten
minutes. It was nearing the end of
visiting hours and I feel relieved to see her room empty of
visitors. I do not want to see Adam. My face still aches from our
earlier confrontation. The only light illuminating Gail’s hospital
room is a small night light over her hospital bed. She looks
fragile lying there with her leg propped up on pillows. I once
again feel a tightening in my chest. I walk over to her bed and
gently touch her hand with my fingertips. The brush of my fingers
awakens Gail. When she opens her eyes, my heart nearly stopped
beating because I am staring at my eyes. I am trying in vain to
control the tsunami that erupts in
me
when I hear her timid
voice.

“Uncle John, is that you?”

“Yes, my little angel,” I say as I lean
forward and kiss her forehead. “Why are you awake?”

“My leg hurts, and I can’t sleep. I’m
afraid to be here alone.”

Moving closer, I lower the guardrail
and sit gently on the edge of the bed. “Hold my hand sweetheart and
close your eyes. I will stay with you until you fall asleep. Would
you like me to sing something for you?”

“Yes, Uncle John. It might help me to
fall asleep.”

“Close your eyes and relax.”

In hushed tones, I sing one
of my favorite
sacred
arias
, Schubert’s Wiegenlied OP #2,
Milli
Cherubini
in
Cuori
. My voice is rusty. I haven’t sung
this aria in at least a year. By the time I finish for the third
time, Gail is sleeping peacefully. I look down
at
the hand I am
holding and wish I could tell her the truth. In my heart, I know I
will never have the joy of acknowledging her as my daughter. It
would destroy her young life. I kiss the hand that I am holding,
adjust her blanket, and when I turn to leave the room, Adam is
standing in the doorway.

Adam stood in the doorway
and fought the urge to throttle his brother once again. He could
not ignore the fact that his brother loved Gail.
He
walked up to John and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Whispering, he said, “Come out into the hallway. I want to speak to
you.”

Adam bent down to kiss Gail and left
the room. “Why are you here John?”

“Why would I not be here?
You know why I am here. I do not play
games,
Adam. I only want
what is best for my….for Gail. We have to resolve this one way or
the other.”

Adam’s hands balled into
fists. “You may be Gail’s biological father, but you will never
have a father-daughter relationship with her. I am the only
parent
Gail has known, and you will stay away from her.”

“I have already spoken to
Father O’Connell and I told him the truth. Gail is my
daughter,
and no amount of arguing or fist fighting is going to erase
that
fact
. How we deal with the truth is what
matters now.”

Gail, hearing voices
outside her room opened her eyes. Her father and Uncle John were
within hearing distance. Her father sounds angry.
Why is he raising his voice to Uncle
John?

“Do you want to know how
I’m going to deal with the truth? I am going home to take care of
my traumatized wife. I will help her cope with the memories of that
night. The memories are coming back to her. How do you think my
daughter will handle the fact that her precious uncle, the priest,
raped her mother? Tell me, how do you expect me to tell my little
girl that I am not her biological father? No amount of prayer will
solve this problem.
I
want you out of our lives.
Go back to
California and leave us alone.”

“I won’t deny that I am
happy knowing Gail is my daughter. I already told you I regret what
happened between Lydia and myself.
Naturally
, you want me to go
away. I cannot do that because I am tired of running from the
past.”

“Do you think it was easy for me
adjusting to life as a priest? I resolved myself into accepting
that I would never have a wife, never have children, never again
feel the touch of a woman. I prayed for guidance, and Our Lord
answered my prayers. I have lived my life according to His will.
The fact that I am Gail’s biological father changes nothing. You
are her father, and always will be.”

Gail bit her lip to stop
the scream that erupted from her throat. Uncle John is my dad! How
could he rape my mom?
No..no..no!!

“No! No! No!” Adam heard Gail screaming
and ran into her room. John followed. “Gail honey, what’s
wrong?”

Sobbing hysterically, Gail
grabbed Adam’s hand. “
Please,
Daddy; tell me it’s not true.
Tell me that you are my father. Please.”

Father Brady turned and left the
room.

Chapter 9

Like a coward, I once again
run from my past. The sound of Gail’s hysterical crying has me
physically ill. I am fighting the urge to vomit. I cannot hear what
Adam is saying to her. Dear God,
I beg of you, help
me to cope
with the turmoil I have caused.

Adam cradled his daughter in his arms.
“Please Gail, take a few deep breaths. I need you to calm down. Let
me call Mom, and we will explain everything to you.”

He walked over to the other side of the
room and called Lydia. “I need you at the hospital now. Gail heard
John and me talking. She knows the truth and is crying.”

Lydia called her sister-in-law. “I have
to go to the hospital. Can you check on Bobby while I am at the
hospital?”

“What’s happened? Is Gail
alright?”

“Have you talked to Adam? Did he tell
you what happened yesterday?”

“Yes. We spoke last night and this
morning. I am sorry Lydia. I don’t know what else to say. What’s
wrong with Gail?”

“Adam confronted John outside her room,
and they argued. Gail heard them talking, and now she knows the
truth. I have to go to her now.”

Running up to Bobby’s room, Lydia
kissed him on the cheek she said, “I have to see Gail. She is not
feeling well. Dad is with her now. I’ll call you as soon as I
can.”

Bobby leaned in for a hug. “Tell Gail I
love her.”

“I will Bobby. She knows you love
her.”

As Lydia drove to the
hospital, she struggled to find the appropriate words.
Might as well get everything out in the
open
she thought as she drove into the
parking garage.

Lydia found John standing outside of
Gail’s room. He was deathly pale and sweating. Lydia walked up to
him, raised her hand, and slapped his face. “I hate the sight of
you. How could you do this to me? You hide behind the church, but
you are still a rapist.” She heard Gail crying and it tore her up
inside. “Do you hear Gail crying? You did this to her! Why are you
here? You lost the right to be a part of my family when you raped
me. I hope you rot in hell.”

Upon entering the room, she
found Gail crying in Adam’s arms. He looked up at her, and the
sadness and pain in his beautiful blue eyes made her knees weak.
Walking over to the bed, Lydia leaned in to kiss
Gail
and sat in the chair next to the bed. She folded her hands in
her lap to stop them from shaking. John entered the room but kept a
respectable distance and remained by the door.

John, who remained standing
in the doorway, spoke first. “Gail, I am sorry I have upset you. I
know you are confused, and I will attempt to explain everything to
you.” Moving closer, he stood at the foot of the bed. “It would be
best if I start with my childhood. Your father and I always
had
a
complicated
relationship, and the fault
lies with me. I resented him for many reasons that I do not want to
discuss today. As I grew into adulthood, the resentment grew
stronger. He took someone away from me that I treasured. For the
first time in my
life,
I felt love for someone, and he
took that away from me.”