The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (494 page)

perfect posture would make you look very good

as you walked in a fashionable dress. I can see

what you should have been, if fortune had been as kind to you

as nature has been. Come on, you can't hide it.

MISTRESS FORD

Believe me, there is no such thing in me.

Believe me, I have no such qualities.

FALSTAFF

What made me love thee? let that persuade thee

there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I

cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a

many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like

women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury

in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none

but thee; and thou deservest it.

What made me fall in love with you? That should show you

there's something wonderful in you. Come, I

cannot lie and say you are this and that, like

so many of these mincing poets, who are like

women dressed as men, and smell like a perfume shop

in summertime; I cannot: but I love you; nobody

but you; and you are worthy of my love.

MISTRESS FORD

Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

Don't lie to me, sir. I'm afraid you love Mistress Page.

FALSTAFF

Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the

Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek

of a lime-kiln.

You might as well say that I like to walk past

the debtors' prison, which smells as bad to me as the stench

of a lime kiln.

MISTRESS FORD

Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one

day find it.

Well, God knows how much I love you; and one day

you shall know it too.

FALSTAFF

Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.

Remember that; I'll earn it.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not

be in that mind.

No, I must tell you, so you do; otherwise I couldn't

think that way.

ROBIN

[Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's

Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and

looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here is

Mistress Page at the door, sweating and puffing and

staring madly, and she says she must speak to you at once.

FALSTAFF

She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras.

She can't see me: I will hide behind the curtain.

MISTRESS FORD

Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.

FALSTAFF hides himself

Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

What's the matter? how now!

Please, do: she's a terrible gossip.

What's all this? What's going on!

MISTRESS PAGE

O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,

you're overthrown, you're undone for ever!

Oh Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,

you're ruined, you're lost forever!

MISTRESS FORD

What's the matter, good Mistress Page?

Whatever is the matter, good Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE

O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man

to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

Oh what a terrible thing, Mistress Ford! With a good man

as your husband, you give him such grounds for suspicion!

MISTRESS FORD

What cause of suspicion?

What grounds have I given him?

MISTRESS PAGE

What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I

mistook in you!

What grounds have you given him! Don't play the innocent:

how mistaken I was about you!

MISTRESS FORD

Why, alas, what's the matter?

Why, whatever can the matter be?

MISTRESS PAGE

Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the

officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that

he says is here now in the house by your consent, to

take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone.

Your husband is coming here, woman, with all the

officers of Windsor, to look for a gentleman that

he says is in the house now with your permission

in order to get up to no good while he's gone: you are lost.

MISTRESS FORD

'Tis not so, I hope.

I hope not.

MISTRESS PAGE

Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man

here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,

with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a

one. I come before to tell you. If you know

yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you

have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not

amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your

reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

Please God it may not be true, that you have a man here

as they say! But it's certainly true that your husband is coming,

with half of Windsor following him, to look for such a

man. I ran ahead to tell you. If you know

that you are innocent, why, I'm very glad; but if you

have a friend here you had better get him out. Don't be

panicked; get your wits about you; defend your

reputation, or say goodbye to your pleasant life for ever.

MISTRESS FORD

What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear

friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his

peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were

out of the house.

What shall I do? There is a man here, my dear

friend; and I'm not so worried about my own shame as

the danger for him: I would give a thousand pounds

for him to be out of the house.

MISTRESS PAGE

For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you

had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink

you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot

hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here

is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he

may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as

if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time

--send him by your two men to Datchet-mead.

For heaven's sake! Don't waste time saying ‘I wish this’ and

 ‘I wish that.’ Your husband is right here, think

of some way to get him away: you can't hide him

in the house. Oh how you have misled me! Look, here

is a basket: if he's any reasonable size, he

can creep in here; throw the dirty linen on top of him

as if it was going to the wash; or–it is the time of year for bleaching–

send him with your two men to Datchet Meadow.

MISTRESS FORD

He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?

He's too big to get in there. What shall I do?

FALSTAFF

[Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let

me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's

counsel. I'll in.

Let me see it, let me see it quick, let me see it!

I'll get in, I'll get in. Do as your friend

says, I'll get in.

MISTRESS PAGE

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight?

FALSTAFF

I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.

I'll never--

Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen

I love you, help me escape. Let me get in here.

I'll never–

MISTRESS PAGE

Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,

Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!

Helped cover up your master, boy. Call your men,

Mistress Ford. You cheating knight!

MISTRESS FORD

What, John! Robert! John!

Exit ROBIN

Re-enter Servants

Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the

cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to

the laundress in Datchet-mead; quickly, come.

Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

Hello, John! Robert! John!

Go and take away these clothes, quickly. Where's the

carrying pole? Look how you dawdle! Take them to

the laundress in Datchet Meadow; quickly, get going.

FORD

Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,

why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;

I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this?

You stick close to me: if my suspicions are groundless,

then you can make fun of me; let me be the bottom of your jokes;

I would deserve it. What's this! Where are you taking this?

Servant

To the laundress, forsooth.

To the laundress, of course.

MISTRESS FORD

Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You

were best meddle with buck-washing.

What's it got to do with you where they're taking it?

You should be thinking about washing bucks.

FORD

Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!

Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;

and of the season too, it shall appear.

Exeunt Servants with the basket

Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my

dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my

chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant

we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.

Locking the door

So, now uncape.

Bucks! I wish I could wash away the buck!

Buck, buck, buck! Yes, buck; I should think it is a buck;

it's the season for it as I'll show.

Gentlemen, I had a dream last night; I'll tell you my

dream. Here, here, here are my keys: go up to my

bedrooms, search, seek, discover: I swear

we'll unearth the fox. Let me block up this escape first.

So, now let's uncover him.

PAGE

Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.

Good Master Ford, calm down: you are getting in a state.

FORD

True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see

sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.

Exit

That's true, Master Page. Up you go, gentlemen:

you'll see the quarry soon: follow me, gentlemen.