The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (489 page)

chased her as love chased me; it was that which

always spurred me on. But whatever I

deserved, either for myself or my gifts, I have

definitely got no reward; unless experience

is a jewel, that I have bought for an infinite price

and that has taught me to say this:

Love flies away like a shadow when money chases it;

it runs away and takes at the same time.

FALSTAFF

Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?

Hasn't she promised to give you what you want?

FORD

Never.

Never.

FALSTAFF

Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

Have you ever suggested such a thing to her?

FORD

Never.

Never.

FALSTAFF

Of what quality was your love, then?

What was your love like, then?

FORD

Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so

that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place

where I erected it.

Like a good house built on somebody else's land;

so I have lost my building by putting it up

in the wrong place.

FALSTAFF

To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

And why are you telling me this?

FORD

When I have told you that, I have told you all.

Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in

other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that

there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir

John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a

gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable

discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your

place and person, generally allowed for your many

war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

Once I have explained that, I've told you everything.

Some say that although she seems pure with me,

with others she lets her passions have free rein,

and there is plenty to be got from her. Now, Sir

John, this is the heart of the matter: you are a

gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable

speech, you are welcomed everywhere, you are

a very genuine person, universally admired

for all your soldierly, courtly and scholarly virtues.

FALSTAFF

O, sir!

Oh, sir!

FORD

Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend

it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only

give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as

to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this

Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to

consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as

any.

You know it's true. Here is some money;

spend it, spend it; spend more; spend everything I have;

all I ask in exchange is enough of your time

to make a good attack on the honesty

of Ford's wife: use your seductive arts; get her

to give in to you: if any man can do it it's you.

FALSTAFF

Would it apply well to the vehemency of your

affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?

Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

What good would it do your love

if I got what you want?

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours.

FORD

O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on

the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my

soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to

be looked against. Now, could I could come to her

with any detection in my hand, my desires had

instance and argument to commend themselves: I

could drive her then from the ward of her purity,

her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand

other her defences, which now are too too strongly

embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

Oh, understand my plan. She is so concerned with

upholding her virtue that I dare not show her my

foolish desires: she is too good for me to

try that. Now, if I could approach her

with evidence that she was not that good, my desires

would have an example to follow: I

could then get her away from the shelter of her purity,

her reputation, her marriage vows, and her thousand

other defences, which at the moment are too strong

for me to overcome. What do you say, Sir John?

FALSTAFF

Master Brook, I will first make bold with your

money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a

gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

Master Brook, first I'll take your money;

next, I'll shake your hand; and lastly, I promise as I am

a gentleman that you shall, if you want to, have Ford's wife.

FORD

O good sir!

Oh good sir!

FALSTAFF

I say you shall.

I tell you you will.

FORD

Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

Don't worry about money, Sir John; you shall have all you want.

FALSTAFF

Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want

none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her

own appointment; even as you came in to me, her

assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I

shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at

that time the jealous rascally knave her husband

will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall

know how I speed.

Don't worry about Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you will have

all of her that you want. I can tell you that I will be visiting her

at her own invitation; just as you came in to see me, her

assistant or messenger was leaving; I'll tell you I

will be with her between ten and eleven; at that

time the jealous rascally knave, her husband,

will be out. Come to me at night; I'll let you know

how I get on.

FORD

I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,

sir?

I'm lucky to know you. Do you know Ford, sir?

FALSTAFF

Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not:

yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the

jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the

which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will

use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;

and there's my harvest-home.

Damn him, poor cheated on knave! I don't know him:

but I shouldn't call him poor; I hear that the

jealous blameworthy knave has pots of money; and his

wife seems very willing for me to have some. I will

use her as the key to get into the cuckolded scoundrel's money chest;

that's where I'll reap my harvest.

FORD

I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him

if you saw him.

I wish you knew Ford, sir, so that you could avoid him

if you saw him.

FALSTAFF

Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will

stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my

cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the

cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I

will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt

lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.

Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;

thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and

cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

Exit

Damn him, the vulgar social climbing scoundrel!

I will stare the fellow down; I will intimidate him

with my club; it will hang like a falling star over

his cheated head. Master Brook, I promise you

that I will triumph over this peasant, and you shall

sleep with his wife. Come to me one night soon.

Ford's a knave, and I shall make him worse;

you, Master Brook, will see that he is a knave

and a cuckold. Come and see me one night soon.

FORD

What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is

ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is

improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the

hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man

have thought this? See the hell of having a false

woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers

ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not

only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under

the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that

does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds

well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are

devils' additions, the names of fiends: but

Cuckold! Wittol!--Cuckold! the devil himself hath

not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he

will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will

rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh

the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my

aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling

gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,

then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they

think in their hearts they may effect, they will

break their hearts but they will effect. God be

praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour.

I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on

Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;

better three hours too soon than a minute too late.

Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

Exit

What damned dirty rascal is this? My

heart is ready to burst with anger. Nobody can say

that this is unreasonable jealousy. My wife has written to

him, the time has been fixed, the match has been made. Would

any man have imagined this? You see the hell of having

a false woman: my bed will be polluted, my money chests

ransacked, my reputation ruined, and I shall not

only suffer this disgraceful wrong, but be called

revolting names, by the one who is doing it to me.

Terms! Names!  Amaimon sounds good, and Lucifer,

and Barbason, but they are all names of the devil.

But cuckold! Willing cuckold! The devil himself

isn't called such things. Page is a fool, a complacent fool:

he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I would rather

trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the

Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my

whiskey bottle, or a thief to exercise my walking

horse, than trust my wife with herself. Now she plots,

then she thinks, then she invents; and what

they think in their hearts they will do,