The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (391 page)

Both one and other he denies me now.The reason that I gather he is mad,Besides this present instance of his rage,Is a mad tale he told to-day at dinner,Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.Belike his wife, acquainted with his fits,On purpose shut the doors against his way.My way is now to hie home to his house,And tell his wife that, being lunatic,He rush'd into my house and took perforceMy ring away. This course I fittest choose;For forty ducats is too much to lose.

Both one and other he denies me now.The only explanation is that he’s gone crazy,Besides this strange occurrence just now,Is the crazy story he told today at dinner,Of being locked out of his own house.Sounds like his wife, knew he was in a fit,And locked him out on purpose.I’ll go now to his house,And tell his wife that, being crazed in a fit,He rushed into my house and took awayMy ring by force. I think this is the best course;Since forty ducats is too much money to lose.

Exit

Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus and the Officer 

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Fear me not, man; I will not break away:I'll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,To warrant thee, as I am 'rested for.My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,And will not lightly trust the messengerThat I should be attach'd in Ephesus,I tell you, 'twill sound harshly in her ears.
Don’t be afraid; I will not try to escape:I’ll give you, before I leave, the bail money,You are entitled to for my arrest.My wife is in a bad mood today,And will not lightly trust the messengerThat tells her I’ve been arrested in Ephesus,I tell you, she won’t like the sound of that.

Enter DROMIO of Ephesus with a rope's-endHere comes my man; I think he brings the money.How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?
Here comes my servant; I think he brings the money.What’s this! do you have what I sent you for?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them all.

I promise, this will make them all pay.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSBut where's the money?
But where's the money?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.

Why, sir, used it to pay for the rope.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSFive hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
Five hundred ducats, stupid, for a rope?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS I'll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.

I could get you five hundred ropes with that.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSTo what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
Why did I even send you home?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS To a rope's-end, sir; and to that end am I returned.

To buy rope, and here I am, I have returned with it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
And with that rope, I will welcome you.

Beating him
Beating him

Officer Good sir, be patient.
Good sir, be patient.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Nay, 'tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.
I’m the one that needs to be patient; I’m the one suffering.

Officer Good, now, hold thy tongue.
Listen, you, hold your tongue.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS No, rather persuade him to hold his hands.

No, you should persuade him to hold his hands.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou whoreson, senseless villain!
You son of a bitch, senseless idiot!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feelyour blows.
It would be nice to be senseless, sir, then I wouldn’t feel you hitting me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an ass.
That’s all you can sense is beatings, just like an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my longears. I have served him from the hour of mynativity to this instant, and have nothing at hishands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating; I am waked with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar wont her brat; and, I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.

I am an ass, indeed; you can prove it by my longears. I have served him from the hour of mybirth to this instant, and he has given me nothing for my service but beatings. When I am cold, he heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me with beating; I woken up with it when I sleep; raised with it when I sit; chase out of the house with it when I leave; welcomed home with it when I return; No, I bear the bruises on my shoulders, like a beggar woman carries her brat; and, I think once he’s crippled me, I use my bruises to beg from door to door.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSCome, go along; my wife is coming yonder.
Alright, enough; my wife is coming.

Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the Courtezan, and PINCHDROMIO OF EPHESUS Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; orrather, the prophecy like the parrot, 'beware therope's-end.'

Mistress, 'respice finem,' think on your death; orrather, as the parrot, says 'beware therope's-end.'

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWilt thou still talk?
Are you still talking?

Beating him
Beating him

Courtezan How say you now? is not your husband mad?
Now what do you say? isn’t your husband crazy?

ADRIANA His incivility confirms no less.Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;Establish him in his true sense again,And I will please you what you will demand.
His terrible behavior confirms it.Good Doctor Pinch, you are a sorcerer;Make him come to his senses,And I will pay you whatever you ask.

LUCIANA Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
Alas, how fiery and how angry he looks!

Courtezan Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!
See how he’s trembling from his fit!

PINCH Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.

Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThere is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
There is my hand, I’ll make it feel your ear.

Striking him
Striking him

PINCH I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,To yield possession to my holy prayersAnd to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven!

I command you, Satan, living within this man,Obey my holy prayers and release him,And go straight back to your state of darkness:I command you by all the saints in heaven!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSPeace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.
Stop, silly wizard, stop! I am not crazy.

ADRIANA O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!

O, I wish you weren’t, poor distressed soul!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou minion, you, are these your customers?Did this companion with the saffron faceRevel and feast it at my house to-day,Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shutAnd I denied to enter in my house?

You sneak, you, are these your customers?Did this fool with the yellow faceRevel and feast with you at my house today,While the guilty doors were shut in my faceAnd denied me entrance into my own house?

ADRIANA O husband, God doth know you dined at home;Where would you had remain'd until this time,Free from these slanders and this open shame!

O husband, God knows you dined at home;Where you should have remained,Free from these slanders and this open shame!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDined at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?
Dined at home! You fool, what are you saying?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.

I can attest, you did not dine at home.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWere not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?
My doors were locked and I was shut out, right?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Perdie, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.

Truth, doors were locked and you were shut out.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd did not she herself revile me there?
And didn’t she herself yell at me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.

No lies, she yelled at you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDid not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
Didn’t her kitchen-maid yell, mock, and tease me?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.

She surely did; the kitchen-vestal mocked you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd did not I in rage depart from thence?
And I left in a rage, didn’t I?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS In verity you did; my bones bear witness,That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
You truly did; my bones can attestSince they’ve been feeling your rage.

ADRIANA Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?
Should I soothe him by agreeing to these lies?

PINCH It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein,And yielding to him humours well his frenzy.

Good thinking: his servant has found out,That the best way is to humor his insanity.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.
You the one who sent the goldsmith to arrest me.

ADRIANA Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
No, I sent you money to bail you out,By Dromio here, who came in a hurry for it.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Money by me! heart and goodwill you might;But surely master, not a rag of money.

Money! me! Maybe heart and goodwill;But surely master, not a cent of money.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWent'st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
Did you not go to her for a purse of money?

ADRIANA He came to me and I deliver'd it.
He came to me and I delivered it.

LUCIANA And I am witness with her that she did.
And I am witness with her that she did.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS God and the rope-maker bear me witnessThat I was sent for nothing but a rope!
God and the rope-maker are my witnessesThat I was sent for nothing but a rope!

PINCH Mistress, both man and master is possess'd;I know it by their pale and deadly looks:They must be bound and laid in some dark room.

Mistress, both slave and master are possessed;I know it by their pale and deadly looks:They need to be bound and put in a dark room.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSSay, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
Tell me, why did you lock me out today?And you, why are you denying the bag of gold?

ADRIANA I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
I did not, gentle husband, lock you out.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS And, gentle master, I received no gold;But I confess, sir, that we were lock'd out.
And, gentle master, I received no gold;But I confess, sir, that we were locked out.

ADRIANA Dissembling villain, thou speak'st false in both.

Lying fool, you’re lying about both.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSDissembling harlot, thou art false in all;And art confederate with a damned packTo make a loathsome abject scorn of me:But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyesThat would behold in me this shameful sport.
Lying whore, everything about you is false;And you are scheming with bad peopleTo make hateful, degrading fool of me:But I’ll use my nails to pluck out your lying eyes That would see me be humiliated.

Enter three or four, and offer to bind him. He strivesADRIANA O, bind him, bind him! let him not come near me.
O, bind him, bind him! don’t let him come near me.

PINCH More company! The fiend is strong within him.
We need more men! The demon in him is strong.

LUCIANA Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!

Oh my, poor man, how pale and weak he looks!

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhat, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,I am thy prisoner: wilt thou suffer themTo make a rescue?
What, will you murder me? You jailer, you,I am your prisoner: are you just going to let them break me out of jail?