The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (386 page)

O, where’s my rosary! I cross me for a sinner.This is some fairy land: O spite of spites!We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:And if we don’t obey them, they will surely,Suck our life out, or pinch us black and  blue.

LUCIANA Why pratest thou to thyself and answer'st not?Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!

Why are you babbling to yourself instead of obeying? Dromio, you drone, you snail, you slug, you moron!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE I am transformed, master, am I not?

I am transformed, master, am I not?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE I think thou art in mind, and so am I.

I think your mind has been altered, as has mine

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Nay, master, both in mind and in my shape.

No, master, both in mind and in my shape.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEThou hast thine own form.

You still have the same form.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE No, I am an ape.

No, I am an ape.

LUCIANA If thou art changed to aught, 'tis to an ass.

If you’ve been changed into anything, it’s an ass.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE 'Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass.'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never beBut I should know her as well as she knows me.

It’s true; she rides me hard and I long to be away. I must be an ass; how else could I Not know her when she seems to know me.

ADRIANA Come, come, no longer will I be a fool,To put the finger in the eye and weep,Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn.Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.Husband, I'll dine above with you to-dayAnd shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,Say he dines forth, and let no creature enter.Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.

Come, come, I will not continue to be a fool,To put a finger to my eye and weep,While you two laugh to scorn my misery.Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.Husband, I'll eat above with you todayAnd have you tell me of all your idle pranks.Slave, if anyone asks you for your master,Say he is eating, and let no creature enter.Come, sister. Dromio, be a good guard.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSEAm I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised? Known unto these, and to myself disguised!I'll say as they say and persever so,And in this mist at all adventures go.

Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?Sleeping or waking? Sane or insane?  Known to these people, but not to myself!I’ll just have to keep up the pretence,And persevere as long as I can.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE Master, shall I be porter at the gate?

Master, should I still guard the gate?

ADRIANA Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.

Yes; and let none enter, or else I’ll break your head.

LUCIANA Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.

Come, come, Antipholus, it’s already getting late.

Exeunt

Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:Say that I linger'd with you at your shopTo see the making of her carcanet,And that to-morrow you will bring it home.But here's a villain that would face me downHe met me on the mart, and that I beat him,And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,And that I did deny my wife and house.Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

Mister Angelo, you must excuse us all;My wife nags me when I don’t watch the time:Say that I lingered with you at your shopTo see the making of her necklace,And that tomorrow you will bring it home.But here's a moron that has been telling liesThat he met me at the mart, and that I beat him,And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,And that I denied that I had a wife and house.You stupid drunkard, what was the meaning of all that?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.

Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;That you beat me at the mart, I have the bruises to prove it:If skin was parchment, and your punches were ink,Your own handwriting would tell you the same I think.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSI think thou art an ass.

I think you’re an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Marry, so it doth appearBy the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.

Well, it sure seems that way, what with all the wrongs I suffer and the bruises I bear.I should kick back when I’m kicked; if I really am a mule,You would be scared of my kicks and keep away.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheerMay answer my good will and your good welcome here.

You're sad, Mister Balthazar: I hope that you will cheer upBecause of my good will towards you, and know how welcome you are here.

BALTHAZAR I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and yourwelcome dear.

Your dainties mean far less to me than your welcome, I’m grateful.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSO, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

O, Mister Balthazar, whether it’s meat or fish,A table full of welcome is far better than a dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.

Good meat, sir, is common; every peasant can afford that.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSAnd welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

And welcome is even more common than that; for that's nothing but words.

BALTHAZAR Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.

Little food with a great welcome makes a merry feast.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.

Yes, to a cheap host, and cheaper guest:But even if my food is not good, eat it with my good intent;There may be better food elsewhere, but not with better heart.But, what’s this! my door is locked. Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,idiot, patch!Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'stfor such store,When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

[Within] Blockhead, stupid, moron, fool,idiot, clown!Either get away from the door, or sit down at the gate.Are you conjuring whores, is that why you’re shouting so many names,Is your one not enough? Go, get away from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.

What clown has been made our guard? My master is standing in the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.

[Within] Let him walk back to where he came, or he’ll catch cold.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWho talks within there? ho, open the door!

Who’s talking in there? hey, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tellme wherefore.

[Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you if I’ll open it if you tell me why I should.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

Why? for my dinner: I have not eaten yet  today.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again when you may.

[Within] And you won’t eat here either; come again some other time.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSWhat art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

Who are you to keep me out of my own house?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.

[Within] I’m the guard for today, sir, and my name is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy name for an ass.

You jerk! you have stolen both my job and my name.Though I never get credit for one, and the other only gets me blame.If you had been Dromio in my place today,You would have had your face changed to a target, and your name changed to “ass.”

LUCE [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?

[Within] What’s the confusion out there, Dromio? who are the people at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Let my master in, Luce.

Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE [Within] Faith, no; he comes too late;And so tell your master.

[Within] No way; he comes too late;Tell your master that.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS O Lord, I must laugh!Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

O Lord, this is too funny!I’ll fire back with a proverb—May I make myself at home?

LUCE [Within] Have at you with another; that's--When? can you tell?

[Within] I’ll fire back at you with another; that's—I’d like to see you try.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast answered him well.

[Within] If you’re the one called Luce--Luce, nice comeback.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?

Can you hear me, you slave? You’re going to let us in, right?

LUCE [Within] I thought to have asked you.

[Within] I thought I asked you that.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] And you said no.

[Within] And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.

Some one help me bang on the door: nice hit! That was blow for blow.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSThou baggage, let me in.

You useless idiot, let me in.

LUCE [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?

[Within] Says who?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS Master, knock the door hard.

Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE [Within] Let him knock till it ache.

[Within] Let him knock till he aches.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUSYou'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

You'll pay for this, slave, even if I have to beat the door down.

LUCE [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

[Within] What are we wasting all this time for? There’s a pair of stocks in the town.

ADRIANA [Within] Who is that at the door that keeps allthis noise?

[Within] Who is making all of this noise at the door?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled withunruly boys.

[Within] I swear, your town is troubled withunruly boys.