The Cake is a Lie (23 page)

His laugh was one quick squawk, “Hah.”
Like a sultan flicking a gold coin at a beggar. Or a mad man
laughing over your shoulder at life itself. I could hear it from
where I was standing. I was hooked the first time I heard it,
hypnotized by jealousy and hate.

He thinks he’s seen it all huh? What
happened to his best friends from his old school? How come he could
ditch them so easily?

Filing out of Mark’s party, Eric, Jay,
Ian and me were all wasted, but no would be able to tell. Even in a
state of lowered inhibitions, we tried even harder to maintain the
tedious balance between friendship and insulting laughs. It wasn’t
like in the beginning anymore, when we were younger.

As we filed down the cul-de-sac, past a
few cars that were loading up with people, a distinct sound grabbed
my full attention.

“
Hah.” Robby was leaning
into the driver’s window of a car across the street. His existence
had been an annoyance at first, but he’d seriously started fucking
up my life earlier at the party. I saw the way Oakley playfully
grabbed his arm at the party earlier, her loud laughter at his
jokes.

I hesitated for a moment in the night
before continuing, after a few more steps I stopped again. “Yo
Robby.” I shouted across the street.

“
Ya?” He stood up at the
sound of an unfamiliar voice in the dark.

“
What’s up with you and
Oakley?”

“
What’s it to
you?”

I reflected for a second on how good
his instant response was before shouting back, “Nothing,” And
continued walking.

“
Hah. That’s what I
thought.”

As I caught up to our car all my
friends were glaring at me from inside, but they respected it
enough not say anything and let it go.

Roby could have any of them, I
agonized. Carmalita, Lena’s Veggietales, Christian perfect bf who’d
recently had an epiphany “that she needed to stop judging people”
and was hastily making up for years of lost time hooking up. Kate,
the millionaire’s daughter, who’d done everything there is to do in
life by 15 and was back on the scene again after breaking up with
her 21 year old boyfriend. Terra, Isa, Mia, any girl. Why did it
have to be her?

The next weekend I urgently prodded my
friends up from their hookahs, vaporizers, and bongs. Nagging them
to get to the party early this weekend, on the verge of a feverish
tantrum. Robby was hosting the biggest party that
weekend.

The ride there was a blur of emotional
nausea. I just kept repeating my line over and over: “Oakley, I
have a crush on you.” I couldn’t think about what came next, either
way I was screwed. If she said “yes,” then what? I kiss Oakley
Carter? Date her? It was too much pressure. But I didn’t have a
choice anymore, we were there, there was no more time. I ran ahead
of our group as soon as we parked, jogging through the crowd
gathered around the door as if I was already too late.

I wasn’t inside a second until I was
blindsided by a hyper, jumping hug. “Marcoo!”

It was Maddie, Oakley’s friend, I’d
never seen her at a party before. She looked totally out-of-place,
lost, and clearly relieved to see someone she could talk to. At the
sight of her by herself without Oakley my brain began to
boil.

“
Where’s Oakley,
Maddie?”

She grinned excitedly like a
3
^rd
grader with a big secret, “She’s with Robby, in his room.” I
looked down the dim hallway to my right. Which one was it? Which
door? All the voices of the party blended into one terrifying
inaudible noise. I plummeted to a different dimension where there
was only one thought, go, get away. I pushed Maddie aside and ran
down the staircase in front of me.

The downstairs living room was empty,
it was still early in the party. I stared at the ceiling. It was
going on right above me, I was so close, where was it
happening?

A gust of night air hit me, the screen
door was open and Ryan Orton was standing on the patio holding
bong. Orton was a big friendly giant, and a staple of the senior
social scene. He had the kind of face you expected to have a mean
side, and he did, he did drugs as mean as you can.

“
What up, Marcizzi?” He
beckoned me from outside. I stepped out into the soothing
air.

“
Oakley man, she’s a
straight heartbreaker,” I let out honestly. Orton’s big lungs blew
out a huge plume of smoke.

“
You saw that, huh? Whatevs
bro, fuck that trick.” He handed me the bong, it’s was then I saw
he’d fallen for all her hugs and touches, too.

A fury of thuds preceded the unreal
appearance of Oakley herself at the bottom of the staircase,
followed quickly behind by her tag-a-long, Maddie.

“
There you are. I heard you
were here.” She looked ecstatic, like she was riding a wave of
energy. She tried to hug me but I didn’t reciprocate, holding my
hands up callously. Her waterproof, sweatproof, all day, will never
fade ever, ever, blush was fading. I looked away from her to Ryan,
who’d just realized he was in 3rd place.

“
I waited for you.” She
said. I took the biggest bong rip I could and blew it out between
us like a fire ball. My eyes attacked her, but I was frozen, hoping
her own self-critiques would do their work.

“
Ok, fine, I’m already past
my curfew, I gotta get home.” Oakley turned to leave. Maddie
lingered behind for a second, smiling at me, before she followed.
Like there was a one in a billion chance she was going to make me
fall in love with her.

“
What was
that
?” He was so perplexed
Ryan’s voice inversed halfway through the exclamation. “She just
hooked up with homeboy two seconds ago, what a freak.”

I faked laugh for him. Ryan handed me
the bong and headed upstairs. The itchy burning smoke moving in and
out of my lungs did nothing for my mood except focus my mind on the
empty routine for a precious millisecond or two. Inhale. Exhale.
Then the tears started to come, followed by more terror at someone
seeing the wiped away streaks on my cheeks.

I put down the bong and meandered
through the yard until I found a side gate. I ducked away in the
night to my car and crawled across the backseat. There the
floodgates opened. I lied alone with the sting for
hours.

I’ve heard of people feeling such
intense negative emotions while they’re maturing that they get
addicted to them. That night, in that backseat, I fused with that
sting. Now when I sleep with girls I imagine all the guys that
truly love them. The guys that studied with them for years dreaming
about them, the guy they work with. Their future husbands. I
imagine how badly they wish they were me, I imagine their
pain.

Jay and Eric found me eventually and
banged on the windows until I let them in, “Man we thought you left
until we saw your car, you sick?”

Instead of lying I didn’t
respond.

“
Is this cause Oakley hooked
up with Robby?” Eric asked intuitively.

“
Maybe.”

“
Want me to drive?” Jay
asked excitedly, since Jay got his car taken away he was always
looking for any opportunity to drive.

“
Ya,” I tossed him the keys
and then smushed my face back into the car cushion.

“
I don’t know why you like
her so much, she’s not even that bomb.” Eric stated as a
matter-of-fact.

“
You can’t be more wrong.” I
responded, muffled by the seat.

“
Well she’s a trick, you
know she’s a trick.”

I rolled over on my back, “I’m a slut,”
I groaned fiercely.

Eric laughed, “You’re a virgin Marco.
You’re way too picky and shy.”

“
I’m a slut on the inside,
if I had any game I’d be a slut. I wish I were a slut,” I chuckled
deliriously. I’d lost my innocence on the computer forever
ago.

“
You know how many girls
throughout history have been killed and persecuted because they
were girls?” I began one of my token PSAs, but Jay and Eric weren’t
having it and didn’t respond.

“
Billions.” Laying down,
looking up out the moving window, everything looked different. From
the passing street lamps and trees I began trying to guess what
streets we were on.

I was sitting next to Oakley in Science
class, it was the last twenty minutes when we were supposed to be
reading and doing our homework for next class. Oakley was working
diligently, turning the pages of her science book and taking notes.
I hadn’t turned a page in my book since I opened it. I was failing
the class.

It had started with missing just one
assignment. You didn’t say no when Loren and the seniors wanted you
to come get blunted at the beach. Missing one assignment was no
biggie, I’d just beg for an extension and do some upper and make it
up in one night. Then I’d stayed up all night chatting online
instead of doing any assignments. After that there was no way I was
getting back to an A or a B in the class. And no one was blowing
off E-Rock to salvage a C-. Eventually, it became best just not to
think about it and stay extra blunted. I stopped letting my
thoughts stray beyond a few hours into the future.

“
Did you hear that Ryan
dropped out of school?”
She
spoke to me, still looking at her book.

Of course I f-ing heard Ryan dropped
out.

“
Why do you care?” I snapped
snootily. Ryan was just a brief amusement to her, someone to hug
and talk to at parties, we all were.

“
Ryan is my friend, I like
him.”

“
And when you go to
college?”

“
Well ya, until I go to
college,” Wow she even admitted it, the balls on this one. I glared
at her.

“
How many girls have you
slept with, Marco?”

I hesitated suspiciously for a minute.
Had we talked about this before? What number did I tell her? I
couldn’t remember.

It was more than just the grades, I
could feel my brain changing, having a harder time remembering
things, blanking on stuff all the time. My wit was getting less
exceptional. But all my sleeping problems had gone away since I
started getting high. A few brain cells were a small price to pay
for true and instant happiness. What was the worst that could
happen? That I got permanently more happy? That was probably why
weed was illegal. Because capitalism wanted smart, quick productive
worker bees, no matter how stressed and anxious they were. I was
good looking now anyways, who gave a craps about wit?

“
5,” I lied, “And why do you
ask, Giselle?” It annoyed her when I used her middle
name.

“
You know how many girls
Robby has slept with?” I frowned, I hated it when Oakley’s tongue
pushed up to make that sound. She used it all the time now that
they were official. I could have forgiven the 1, 2, 3, even 4 times
they disappeared at parties, but not this.

“
20?” I guessed.

“
He can’t even remember. He
really can’t, can you believe that? I just can’t imagine not
remembering.”

“
Trouble in paradise
Oakley?” I joked before adding. “Jonsen can’t remember either.” He
was the only person I knew in that club. Although I could speculate
on a few others. “Ya, I really don’t know if I could date someone
who couldn’t remember…” I teased.

“
Isn’t he the cutest guy
you’ve ever seen though?”

The wild feeling I’d been battling to
suppress rose up in me again, this time it brought with it a wicked
smile. “Giselle, I need to tell you something but you have to
promise that you didn’t hear it from me.”

Her whole body immediately turned
completely towards me, “Of course, I would never.”

I held her there and started dragging
the moment out. “I really don’t know if I should tell you,” I kept
saying, after anguished pauses. I stared at my book, drummed my
pencil against the desk’s edge, stared into her eyes, made her
promise over and over.

“
Marco, you know you can
trust me.”

“
Ok, here we go.” I took the
plunge. “So last weekend, at Robby’s birthday party at his cabin.”
Oakley’s parents didn’t let her go to Robby’s cabin for the party.
Mine didn’t either, but I’d ignored them and went
anyways.

“
Like later, after most
people had passed out. Robby picked up half-passed-out Carol off
the couch, and carried her up to his room. The skinnies all had to
rally together to run up stairs and pull her away from him. And
Robby was pushing them away and throwing a shit-storm about how
they needed to leave them alone.” Once I finished intricately
wording the story I focused eagerly back on Oakley’s face, but I
was immediately dissatisfied. She looked genuinely sad, hurt. She
never looked upset in my fantasies.

She pulled out her phone and started
texting away. I stared back in my book as the fear began to set it.
I’d held out for a week, against all odds. Que sera sera,
inevitably I was going to tell her, even if it meant getting beat
up and humiliated and then being an outcast. How was anyone gonna
know it was me?