The Broken Girl (Lonely Girl Book 2) (11 page)

“Becca, I love you
, please don’t hate me tomorrow.” He kisses her head and leaves without looking at me. “Call me if you need help. I’ll be back tomorrow to… talk to her.”

The party seems to have died down and I figure I should see if I could get her a bed upstairs somewhere. I open the door and check the hall. Going back into the office
, I pick her up and carry her in my arms. To anyone she will just look asleep and tired. They will think she’s drunk. But that’s better than everyone thinking she’s been drugged.  Making our way upstairs, no one really notices anything. I’m sure they are all thinking we are together still or again. Who knows? I don’t care what anyone thinks, as long as it’s not negative about Bec. Opening one of the doors, I find one of the first years on the team in the room getting hot and heavy against a chair in the corner. “Out.” He looks up and sees it’s me. No questions, he grabs his girl and leaves. I bring her to the bed and maneuver her in my arms so I can pull back the blankets. Putting her down, I go back and close the door locking it.

“What have I done?” I turn to see her in the bed looking so unlike the girl I’ve fallen in love with. Again… I think. I think I loved her before my accident. I’m sure of it and I love her now too. Looking at her like this
, I can’t stop myself. I pull back the blankets on the other side and climb in with her. She may kill me tomorrow. But my fear that I will never remember holding her is overwhelming and this is my only chance.  As I cuddle into her, I feel her heat against me. It feels normal, but it makes my heart beat faster. I bring her head and lay it on my chest. Her hand moves and she grabs onto my shirt. My heart stops. Maybe she’s waking up. I look down at her but she’s still out cold.

“Bec
, please forgive me. I’m so sorry.” I bring my hand into her hair and she smells like home. My heart feels at home with her. The memories seem to be just within my reach but I can’t seem to get them back. My heart remembers this and her, but not my brain. Lowering my head to her, I kiss the top of her head. I’m overcome with these damn emotions. I don’t know what to do with them.  I want to scream and yell at Sarah. But she was right. I am drawn to Bec, and I watch her constantly. I think about her always. Wondering if she’s different after the accident. Either way, I bet I would still love this girl.

“I love you
, Bec. I’m so sorry this happened to you. If something had happened to you or if someone had done something to you… Fuck. I love you.” Holding her tightly, I cling to the hope that she will forgive me and that I won’t lose everything I am desperately craving. “I will do whatever it takes to be in your life, and I will never turn away from you. If you call or need me, I’m yours. Forever.”

I give into these fucking emotion
s. “Why can’t I remember you? Now you’re never going to want me. I need you Bec.” I continue thinking to myself how can God be this fucking cruel. To make me crave her, need her, but unable to remember the one thing I can’t seem to live without.

“I want you to
wake up so badly, but if you do, you won’t let me hold you. That will fucking kill me. I already feel like I can’t breathe at the damn thought of not being like this with you ever again. Just give me a chance, Bec? My mind forgot you but my heart is dying to have you. I won’t get through losing you.” I can’t even remember what I’d be losing but I know it would be the death of me. I’d give anything to have her in my life still. Even if she never lets me touch her like this, even if I never remember her again, because I’d give up everything to see her happy. Even if that means it’s not with me.

The thought of her being with someone else is like a sharp knife into my heart. I want all of her. She already has all of me. I didn’t know it then but when I woke up
, it was still all there. The thought of the fact that I’ve done something that ended up harming her and the fact that I know this is going to make her cry breaks me apart. It rips my heart wide open. The pain is unbearable. It continues to beat through the pain, even though I’d give anything to have it stop so that I could never cause this girl any more hurt.

The walls I’d built up so many years ago, the ones I have been desperately trying to keep up when she walked into my life and crashed into me
, slowly break. I sob while cuddling into this girl who has taken over my heart without me knowing.

“I love you.” I just keep repeating it
. While I let go of all the emotions I’m feeling, I try to enjoy this moment.

Because now I might lose her forever.

Becca

My eyes flutter open. I feel weird. My body is sluggish and stiff. My mind is frazzled and a bit foggy. Great. To deal with my feelings, I got hammered. Good Job, Becca. I begin to take in my surroundings while never moving.

Oh! Someone is in the bed with me. I’m lying on their chest. What did I do? What happened last night? Coming to bed with someone else
, Becca? How pathetic can it get?

When my brain finally wakes up
, I know the smell. My heart stops the racing it began as soon as I felt I wasn’t alone in the bed. Did we? I feel tears come to my eyes. Not again! Why can’t we have something beautiful that isn’t tainted. I move slightly and he stirs. Closing my eyes tightly, I pray, hoping he will think I’m still asleep and leave. Let me do this walk of shame without having to talk to him.

“Bec? Are you awake?” I still at the sound of his voice
. Something is wrong with his tone, and it tells me this is about to get a lot worse.

“Keegan
.” I go to pull away, to look at him, but he holds me still. “Just stay like this for a few minutes. Please just don’t leave. Just stay with me like this for a little bit longer. I’m not ready for everything to change yet.” Oh, Keegan. He brings his face down to me and brings his face into my hair, cradling me in his arms. He’s acting like I’m going to crash and break down. I begin to think he’s protecting me when I feel the wetness that just landed on my check. Keegan is crying. I want to pull away and beg him to talk to me but I know he needs this.

“Keegan
, we will get through this. Whatever this is. I promise you.”

He squeezes me tightly and I feel him smelling my hair. Just as quickly as the peace has come over my heart with his closeness
, he slips out from under me and is pacing in the room. “Keegan, I’m sorry. I must have had too much to drink. I’m sorry you had to take care of me.  Forgive me for my drunken stupor.” I’m hoping he will lose some of the tension I see in him but this only makes him stiffen.
"Bec, don't. Please don't ask me to forgive you. Don't say you're sorry. I did this. This is entirely my fault. I want you to forgive me but I don't deserve it." Confirmation no longer needed. We had sex and now he knows I don’t remember. Why is our life so tragic that nothing can go right for us?

“Keegan. Please come here.” The desperation in my words is so apparent that he gives in without me having to
beg him further. He comes back to the bed and sits beside me. He looks so crushed and so unlike the Keegan I met. I take a chance and crawl into his lap, laying my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly to him.

“This right here feels like home to me
. You’re my home, Bec.” As much as his words warm my heart, it still breaks it when he calls me ‘Bec.’  I try to keep my voice from giving away the pain my heart is feeling right now. He needs me, I can feel it.

“Keegan
, I’m not mad, I just wish I could remember what happened between us. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have done it without influence. I love you, Keegan, don’t be upset because you think I regret sleeping with you last night.” Before I can say anything, he’s out from under me, leaning with his back to me against the wall. He looks so distraught, I want to go to him but I feel it will only make things worse.

“Keegan. Please.” I just need him to look at me.

“Bec, no just please give me a minute.” Watching him suffer is tearing me apart. I watch him pace back and forth before sitting in a chair with his head in his hands.

“Bec, I need you to listen to me. Just let me say everything; let me get it all out. Because once I tell you everything you will hate me.” With that
, I’m up from the bed kneeling beside him. I pull his hands from his face and place my hand on his face. He leans in and lightly kisses my hand while bringing his over top of mine. The heat from the contact in my hand would bring me to me knees had I not already been there. “Bec, you were drugged last night.”

I feel
as if my world just crashed. I’m hoping the world will open up and swallow me. “How?” He just shakes his head at me. “I don’t remember anything, Keegan.” My breath begins to escape me. I am hyperventilating and losing control. My chest is pounding and a tight feeling has started closing in on my heart. “I can’t breathe.”

Keegan picks me up off the floor and carries me back to the bed. Being in this bed doesn’t help,
with what happened in this bed. “Out, I can’t be in this bed.” Keegan looks at me with hurt eyes, and I see tears pooling in them.

“You think we had sex while I knew you were drugged?” I’m shaking my head because I know he
would never let that happen, if he knew what he’s saying.

“Did someone…” I crack and I’m overcome with tears cascading down my face.

“No, Bec, you tried to get help. You found me but just as you did, you collapsed. No one… raped you. I was with you all night. You were asleep all night. I stayed awake until I knew you were in the clear.”

The pain on his face is still evident,
and I don’t understand. “Why would I hate you for taking care of me? You saved me. What if I hadn’t found you?” Looking into his eyes, he sits next to me on the bed. I see the tears he’s tried so hard to keep at bay sliding down his cheeks.

“I asked myself that a million times last night. What if you didn’t get to me? What if someone had done something to you?” Keegan is shattered.

“But it didn’t. I was safe because of you.”
“Don’t thank me, Bec. The drugs where my fault.” He won’t look at me and I’m stunned.

Wait?

What? Is he telling me he did this to me?

“Keegan… are you telling me you drugged me, on purpose
?” The fear that I may be in a room with someone who has done this to me begins to take hold of me. He says nothing. He just sits there. I get up from the bed and his head falls into his hands.

“KEEGAN! Are you saying that you
, unbeknownst to me, gave me drugs?” I’m screaming now. Why would he do this to me? The tears are falling down my face at an alarming rate. If I weren’t so angry I would be in the corner cowering. He gets up to come and try to comfort me. He goes to hug me and I start fighting him, screaming and pounding my fists on his chest.

“How could you? Keegan… I trusted you! Why? I love you
, Keegan, but I will never forgive you for this. I can’t even look at you. God. If you loved me you would never have done this to me. I don’t even know who you are. Get out. I never want to see you again.” He just holds me harder. I thought I knew him. Why would he do this to me?

“I won’t make excuses. It’s called a party favor. You are fine
, but you are right. You shouldn’t forgive me, Bec, I’m sorry I did this to you. I will never forgive myself for this, that I promise you.” He brings his head down to my hair and squeezes me one last time before he walks out of the room, leaving me utterly broken.

Keegan drugged me.

Just like that, my entire world has turned on me. As I find the corner of the room and sink to the floor, the only thing that keeps going through my head is the one thing I will never know. 

Why
, Keegan?

***

Keegan

My insides feel like they are on fire. My heart is crashing against my ribs. I bring my hand up and wipe the tears that are falling. Crying isn’t something I’ve done before. Not that I remember, anyway. This girl has destroyed the walls I’ve always kept up. I can hear her in the room bawling. All I keep hearing is her asking why. Why did I do this to her? God, I just want to run in there and grab her. Kiss her and tell her I didn’t know about it. That it was done to hurt us. But I can’t. I won’t be that selfish because, either way, it’s still my fault she was drugged. When she said I couldn’t love her if I did this to her, it was as if she jammed her hand inside my chest and ripped out her hand with my heart in her grasp.

I wa
lk down the hall and I can’t focus. All I feel is my heart being crushed. She will never see me again. She can’t look at me. When she said those words, it was like she put a knife into my heart and twisted. I need an outlet, something to take the edge off before I run back in there. Without a thought, I spin and put my fist through the wall. As soon as I feel the pressure, it takes the pain away from my heart. I see my hand sitting inside the wall. Pulling it out, I see that my knuckles are bleeding. My fist is throbbing, but this sting doesn’t last long before I’m reminded of the heartbreak. I’m heaving while trying to get a grip on my emotions.

“Keegan, you can’t do this to her.”