The Boyfriend List (16 page)

“Tired?
Me?” He shook his head and made a face at the suggestion. “The party was just
getting boring. Too many of the same people, not worth the time.” Was he
implying that she
was
worth his time
then? Reagan certainly hoped so, considering how long they’d been friends. But
she couldn’t help wondering if there was something more behind the words. “So
what do you say? Can I walk with you?” And as he tilted his head in that subtle
way that only Ian could, a dimple working it’s way into the corner of his
cheek, she felt her breath rush out of her lungs.

He’d
put the ball back in her court again.
Damn
him
! There’d be no getting around it this time, she’d have to give him a
definitive answer. And quickly.
Reagan
knew she should say
no
. There was
something inside, warning her that it wasn’t a good idea. As though accepting
his innocent invitation would somehow change things. Alter their relationship
and shift their energies toward one another in a way that could never be put
back again. But, when she really thought about it, hadn’t they kind of done
that already?

And
yet everything inside of her wanted to scream
yes
, and keep the moment of what they’d started earlier in the day
moving forward. It wanted to let him take her hand in his, entwine her fingers
around his, as though it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be
doing. All she could manage though was a simple nod, stiffened by the breath
she held tightly in her chest. It was almost as though she was afraid to
acknowledge what she wholeheartedly wanted, even to herself, because doing so
would only leave her open and vulnerable to a future of regrets and failures.

In
the back of her mind, those concerns were all she could think about in those
brief moments between her answer and his smile - a smile that, when it shone as
warmly and brightly as it was now, had the ability to rid her of every other
doubt in the world she’d ever clung to. Which is perhaps exactly why she’d
dared to link her arm around the one he’d offered her, and allow herself to be
escorted down the last flight of stairs and across the street onto campus. Transfixed
by the perfection of the moment, she already knew it was probably going to turn
into a night she’d never forget.

As
they crossed a lawn spotted with shadows from the streetlights, Ian suddenly
released her, only to turn and face her as he continued to walk casually
backwards, keeping up with her pace. “Did you have a specific destination in
mind?”

“Not
really,” she laughed, “but watch out, you’re gonna trip walking like that.”

He
brushed off her concern. “Good,” She could see the dimples in his cheeks
despite the low lighting, “then I have somewhere I want to show you.”

And
before she could calculate exactly what had happened, Reagan felt his warm hand
clasp firmly around hers before he took off at a sprint toward the stadium,
dragging her along behind him. Breathless, and with a sheen of sweat glistening
at her forehead, he finally released her in front of the large, cement
building. As she bent over, acknowledging that was more cardio than she’d done
in an entire semester, he began checking the tall, iron gates by rattling them
back and forth.

“What
are you doing?” A quizzical stare was etched between her eyebrows as she gulped
deep breaths of air.

“When
there aren’t any games coming up on a weekend, sometimes they leave the gates
open.” He happened to have found one that gave more than the others when he
pushed. “See?” And though it was dark and she could barely make out his face,
Reagan was certain his eyes were sparkling at his discovery. “Come on, hurry
up.”

The
fact that he was looking around to make sure no one saw them immediately sent
off a flurry of internal alarms for Reagan. “Are we...are we
allowed
to?”

“Probably
not.” But Ian was merely laughing at her, “Have you
ever
broken a rule?”

The
question had felt like an accusation, and crossing her arms over her chest
merely made Reagan look that much more indignant. “Maybe.”

But
Ian merely laughed again and lowered his voice a little. “It’s good for you,
you should do it more often. Now will you please get your ass over here before
we get caught? I don’t want the fun to be over before it starts.”

Uncertain
if it was the night air, her frenzied week or maybe that she’d finally allowed
herself to do something different, she couldn’t help but to feel alive in a way
she’d never felt before as she crossed the threshold and passed through the
gate. She felt edgy for finally breaking a rule, and yet safe because she’d
done it with Ian. It was an invigorating, addictive feeling that penetrated her
to the core and energized every fiber of her body.
Yes,
she thought to herself, though she could hardly believe she
was admitting it,
this was exactly what I
needed.

The
stadium was all too familiar to her, after the dozens of visits she’d made to
rambunctious games filled with drunken audiences. And there was an intimacy
she’d always assumed she’d had with it. But now, under the veil of darkness as
the quiet surrounded them and their footsteps echoed out over the field, she
realized this was very much a different place than she’d realized. Without the
crowds of sweaty fans, and the stench of trash and cheap food, without the loud
bands competing for attention and the cheerleaders below stealing it away from
them, it was actually peaceful here. Tranquil. Dare she think it? Relaxing.

She
could’ve spent hours exploring the cavernous building from this whole new
perspective, it wouldn’t have mattered either way to her. But Ian seemed to
have a plan, and he was following his own directions with confident precision.
Around and around, they climbed higher up the ramps until they’d reached the
fourth level of seats, almost at the top.

“Are
you scared of heights?” Ian turned to her.

Reagan
nodded her head that she was as panic grew her large eyes even wider, but she
managed to plaster a fake smile across her lips.

Ian
leaned closer, until she could feel his breath tickling her ear, and the fake
smile all but dissolved. “Then you better not look down.” He teased as he
disappeared out the opening of the gate and into the sea of aluminum seats
glistening under the moonlight.

Biting
her lip, both in disappointment and growing concern, she crept closer and closer
to the edge until she could hear her own heartbeat thudding in her hears. And
then she did exactly what he’d told her not to do – she looked down.
Everything below her swayed and spiraled, and she reached her hand out until
she felt the cool comfort of the wall.
 
Truthfully, she was beginning to think she could be content staying
right where she was until he decided to come back. But that wouldn’t do, she
lectured herself as the sheen of sweat returned to her brow. She couldn’t be a
wuss, not in front of Ian. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard to suppress the
fear. And when she opened them again, she saw a hand, palm up, offering its
assistance. “Come on, I’ve got you.”

Holding
her gaze steadily with his, he kept her focus occupied as he took her hand and
practically lifted her to the row of stairs he was occupying. Then she felt a
strong arm wrap around her waist, holding her tightly until she could relax
again. “You okay?” Reagan nodded that she was. “Okay, you go in front of me,
and climb to the top. See that landing? That’s where we’re headed. Trust me,” He
ended in response to the doubtful look she’d given him, “it’s gonna be worth
it.”

Reagan
did
see the landing he was talking
about. It was flush up against the wall that separated the screaming fans from
a perilous fall to the ground below. Of all the times she’d visited for a game,
never once had she been quite this high up. The thought was more than
perplexing, but at least if she fell, Ian might break her fall.
He’d better be right
, she thought to
herself as she rubbed her palms against her sweatshirt and began the climb on
shaking legs.
This had better be worth it.
She wasn’t sure how she was going to get back down, but she’d have to worry
about it once they got to that point.

When
they finally made it to the top, Ian took the lead again and led her into a
small alcove, tucked away behind the next level of seats. And through there was
their final destination. A small concrete platform, completely secure and
completely safe as far as Reagan could tell, that couldn’t be seen from
anywhere in the stadium. “How did you find this place?” She looked around in
amazement.

“I
used to wander around alone my freshmen year. A lot.” He laughed
good-naturedly. “And I’ve been coming here ever since. But here’s the best
part.” He pulled her close, until she could smell the faint, lingering scents
of his cologne on his shirt, and pointed up. She began to follow his direction
with her eyes. “Look.”

Reagan
did, and the view nearly took her breath away. In the crisp, clear night, all
she could see was a canopy of a thousand stars twinkling down on them against a
black sky. The brilliance, the pure magic of it nearly took her breath away. “I
haven’t seen anything like this since I was a kid.” The admission had escaped
her lips before she realized she’d even been thinking it, so lost was she in
the natural beauty around her.

“Yeah,”
Ian was nodding, “there’s nothing quite like it, and this is the only place you
can see it from. Everywhere else is too flooded with light get a good view.
Here, sit down.” He was taking off his long sleeve shirt for her to sit on
before she could make a face about the dirty floor. The faint scent of his
aftershave and smoke from whatever bar he’d been at tickled her nose, arousing
her more than she thought it should as the material moved around her. Beneath
it, his white undershirt strained against muscles tight from cold and
invigorated by exercise. It was a pleasant distraction she couldn’t tear her
eyes from.
Calm down, Reagan, calm down.

“Aren’t
you gonna get cold?”

“Na.”
He sat beside the shirt and patted it, indicating that she should join him.
Relenting, she did, and could feel the warmth radiating from his body. Then to
keep her neck from straining, she leaned back against her elbows and looked up
into the sky. If she kept focusing on the stars, she could almost,
almost
, forget how high up they were.

And
she could almost,
almost
, forget about
everything that had been plaguing her mind. Including her recently confusing
and tormenting thoughts about the very man sitting beside her. In fact, she was
fairly convinced that just a few more minutes out here would’ve wiped the slate
clean for her. Had she not made the mistake of turning her head at just that
moment, and had she not caught his eye. His gaze drew her in, reminding her of
everything she’d been trying to forget as her stomach wound itself into a tight
little knot of uncertainty and yearning and curiosity.

Though
she was inclined to check it off as her own imagination, she knew that this
time, in this instance, that just wasn’t true. There was something there on his
side as well, something about how his jaw was set and his torso turned toward
her that was neither mistakable nor undesirable. It was the way he was staring
at her, all dark and clouded, his lids heavy over intense eyes. She knew that
look. Every girl did. And it almost startled her. It was a look of
unadulterated desire accentuated by restraint pulling against eagerness. It
short, it was lust in it’s purest form and it was the most improbable look to
be directed at her, coming from the most improbable person on all of campus.
And yet it all felt very real, very provocative, very... right. Too right,
almost, as though it had been lingering under the surface of their friendship
the entire time, and she was only just now beginning to recognize it.

As he
leaned in, smoothly closing the space between them, all Reagan wanted to do was
to release herself to the moment, but she heard her own lips betray her innermost
concerns as they uttered, “I, I can’t...I can’t do this.”

Ian
reared his head back in confusion. “Why?” She studied his face hard, looking
for any sign of anger or rejection. She didn’t find it. Instead she found
warmth and concern, and she began to somehow second-guess her initial reaction.

“Because,
you’re perfect.” Her own embarrassment had her stumbling over the words, and
she pulled her fingers up to press against her lips. “And I’m just...”

But
he stopped her before she could finish the thought. “Reagan.” He wrapped his
hand tenderly around hers and gently drew it away until he had a clear view of
her face, until her eyes met his, filled with uncertainty though they were.
“I’m not perfect. Not by far. And you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever
seen.” Nothing but sincerity flowed from his words. “I’m nothing without you, I
need you more completely in my life. I thought you felt the same way.”

She
could feel something shifting between them now. He was withdrawing, and the
thought had her in a near panic. In an effort to stop it from going further,
fix it, pause it, do whatever she could to regain the ground she could feel she
was losing between them, Reagan began sputtering out everything she’d ever
thought, everything she’d kept suppressed. “Sure I do! But you’re not a
relationship person,” she exclaimed, “and I can’t let myself go through that
again. I can’t get hurt by you, I can’t lose what we have now for a minute of something
more.”