The Boy Who Paints Me (28 page)

He had gone.

He left me just like everyone else had, just like I knew he would. I knew he would and yet it still hurt like crazy.

I felt the tears start to fill my eyes and the familiar feeling of puke rising to my throat but I couldn't think about that right now. This moment was no longer about me, this was about Aunt Sarah. I needed to know where she was and if she was ok. I needed Mitch to know that he could have me...he could have me if he just let her go...I didn't have anything to lose...not anymore.

I angrily wiped the tears off my cheeks as I went in search of my cell. I found it tucked slightly under the comforter on the bed. I scrolled down to Mitch's name and hit the call button. I slowly lifted the phone to my ear as the fear began to take over. I was terrified, I didn't want to say it out loud or admit it but I was. I would do this for Aunt Sarah, go back to that life, and take as much pain as he needed me to as long as he let her go. This was my fault. She was never supposed to be a part of this world; this was supposed to be my world, my secret. She's too good for this, too kind. I hated myself for ever coming to stay at hers, for causing this, for hurting Leighton. I was tired, and I'd had enough and if I didn't have Aunt Sarah to worry about then I could end it here. I could end it all. This life, these problems...I didn't want them anymore. I wanted to trade this life in. I wanted to find the receipt to my life, go right back to where it began and ask for a refund or an exchange, only life wasn't that easy. Life wasn't fair.

I tried to call Mitch three more times before giving up. I wish that I could say that this was all a game, that he
wanted me to panic; to sweat but the truth was that I had no idea what he was planning. I didn't know him, not really, I just knew the parts of him that he wanted me to see and clearly I hadn't seen it all. I couldn't even think of all the places that he could have possibly taken Aunt Sarah; I didn't know him that well but there was one person who I knew that did. One person that could lead me to him. One person that I never thought I'd have to call again.

With a shaky hand I scrolled to the number that I had purposely saved as the letter 'Z' just so I wouldn't accidently scroll past it or see it when I was searching for someone
else’s number. But there I was looking down at the 'forbidden number' knowing that it was my last chance; my final hope. It rang several times before making the announcement that I was through to 'T & T' and that I could leave a message after the tone. I hung up and tried again, squeezing my eyes shut in the process. It wasn't until I heard the answer machine's voice that I realised that I would have to speak.

I cleared my throat nervously, as I tried to force the words out of my mouth. "Erm...It's me...
its Rainie. I...erm...I need your help...It's Aunt Sarah; she's in trouble and...I...just, when you get this can you...can you please just call me back...please, Mom...I don't have anybody else, ok, just call me..." I hung up as quickly as I could as my voice began to break. I threw the phone across the room before running towards the bed and ripping every sheet off it and throwing it on the floor. I screamed angrily before knocking down the dresser and kicking over the wooden chair that was next to the mirror. I was mad, and hurt and alone. I wanted to destroy everything because I wanted someone or something to just understand even a fraction of the pain that I was going through. My hands were shaking, my eyes were blurry, and I was tired but I couldn't stop...I needed this. I needed this release. All this time I was quiet but for once I wanted to scream and break things and get mad, I wanted to destroy everything in my path and not care. The only problem was that I did care and the more things I destroyed, the more I hurt. I kicked the bathroom door as a bolt of pain jolted up my leg but I didn't care. I went to kick it again but came to a halt as a pair of strong hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me backwards.

I didn't need to turn around to know who it was but I still fought against him because I was mad. He left and I was so damn mad.

"Rai, stop," he whispered gently in my ear.

I wanted him off me.

"Get off! Let go!" I screamed as I thrashed in his arms. I wasn't strong enough, and it was making me mad. He turned me around and pulled me tightly against his chest.

"You left me! You left! I hate you!" I didn't hate him but I hated that he left me, and I wanted him to know that.

"I know, I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair. I let my fists beat against his chest, harder and harder and he let me. It was as if he knew that I needed this. He knew that I had to do this. I only stopped when I had no energy left and then I cried. I cried as though someone had died. I soaked his shirt with my tears and he let me. "I'm sorry, baby, I'm so sorry," he whispered as I slowly looked up at him. As my eyes met his, I realised how red they were and how sad they looked. I realised how much I needed him. I paused for a moment as I just stared at him. I think that I was trying to gauge whether or not this was real. It was.

I let my lips crash into his. It wasn't gentle, or soft or passionate. It was angry but it was also so needy. He kissed me back in the same desperate way. I suddenly felt his arms against my thighs and felt my legs lift into the air so that they were wrapped around him. It wasn't until my back hit the wall that I realised that we had moved. He deepened the kiss as though it wasn't enough, as though he wanted to explain every single emotion but didn't know how. I understood. Suddenly he pulled away silently and that's when I saw the tears that were rolling down his cheeks. He let our bodies slowly slide down until we hit the floor. He was sat with his face pressed into the side of my neck and I sat in silence, still wrapped around him. We didn't say a word. I just held him tighter as I felt his body begin to shake and my neck start becoming wetter as the tears leaked from his eyes. The more he cried, the tighter he held me and the more I felt him shaking. I just sat in silence and held him as we cried together. We sat like this for a good five minutes before I felt him gradually calm down. It hurt to know that my secret had done this to him.
I'm so used to him protecting me and making me feel better that I didn't know what to do or say.

"Rai, I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered gently as he lifted his head up to look at me. His hands slid up to my face as he cupped my cheeks, wiping away my tears with the pads of his thumbs.

"It's ok, you came back," I said as I tried to force a smile onto my face.

"Not that," he took a deep breath as though he didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry for what...for what he did...for what he let people do," he said as he avoided eye contact with me.

I let out the breath that I hadn't even realised I was holding before gently turning his face towards me. "You can't be sorry for him, Leighton-"

"I have to, I have to make it right...I have to do something, Rai. I need you to let me do this. Let me have this because he's taken everything else away. I wasn't mad at you, before, when I left. I was mad at myself for not realizing, for not seeing it. I was mad at him for what he had done. I'm mad because he's my dad and he hurt you...you, Rai...oh gosh, he hurt you," he said as his breathing suddenly got faster as though he was thinking about things that he really didn't want to.

"Don't...don't think about it. It's not your fault, you didn't know and there's nothing you could have done," I said as I battled with the tears.

"He's
 
my 
dad, Rai. The things that he did...I have his blood running through me and it makes me feel sick," he said as a hint of anger filled his voice.

"Leighton, look at me. You are
 
nothing 
like him, nothing, do you understand me? When I look at you, I only see you...I love 
you."

"You still love me?" He breathed in shock.

"More...I love you more," I whispered.

I just about finished my sentence before his lips came crashing down on him. He pulled my face against his as he deepened the kiss. "Gosh, I love you so much. You have no idea, Rai. I'll never let anyone hurt you again, I promise. I promise," he whispered before letting his lips gently touch mine.

"I know."

We sat staring at each other before the sound of my phone went off. I quickly jumped up, rushing over to where I had thrown my phone. I was
surprised that it was still working. I picked it up off the floor and took a deep breath as I pressed answer and lifted it up to my ear. I felt myself calm down a little as I felt Leighton next to me.

"Hello," the other voice breathed quietly down the phone. I closed my eyes as her voice filled my ears. I wanted to hate her so badly but
 
that
 voice. It sounded like the voice that she used to use to tell me bedtime stories before she tucked me in at night, the voice that would sing a lullaby until I was convinced that the closet monsters had gone back home and the voice that used to say 'Mommy will always love her princess'. 
That voice. 
"Rainie?" She breathed down the phone when I failed to respond again. I took a step away from Leighton, I needed space. My mind needed to process this properly. "Are you there?" She asked calmly. 

"Yeah, I'm here," I just about managed to whisper. I cleared my throat since I sounded so hoarse and so childlike.

"It's good to hear your voice," she said. I could hear the smile in her voice but it made me said. How could she smile when she had left me, how could she ever smile again? "It's been a while," she chuckled nervously. I took a deep breath as I tried to compose myself and remember why I had called.

"I called because of Aunt Sarah," I said as forcefully as I could.

"Yeah, of course," she mumbled nervously. "Is everything ok?" 
Was she really asking me that?

"Mitch has Aunt Sarah." Hearing it out loud made me feel sick to the stomach.
 

"What?" She sounded shocked and
terrified. "I don't understand? How? How did he get to her?" She sounded panicked as she began asking questions.

"I ran away, after you left," I took a deep breath as I stopped the tears from coming. I felt a gentle touch on my shoulder and felt a sudden strength. "I thought you were going to come back, for me, but...I had to leave."

"You went to Sarah's? I told you never to go there," she sounded angry which made me feel so mad and hurt. Now she wanted to give motherly advice? Too late!

"He didn't follow me
here; he didn't know where I went. His mom, she lives next to Aunt Sarah. He came to her and found me there-"

"He wouldn't have known her if you didn't go there!" She said angrily.

"What?" I was in shock. She was really blaming me.

"You shouldn't have gone there, Rain-"

"Don't call me that," I didn't want to hear that name again...ever.

"I told you to
 
never
 go there, I told you to never drag her into all of this-"

"I wouldn't have if you hadn't have left me! If you had have stayed or took me with you then I wouldn't of had to! You left! You! Not me, you!"

"I had to, ok-"

I felt
Leighton squeeze my shoulder but I shrugged him off, I didn't want anyone to touch me right now, I needed space.

"Why? What was so important that you would leave your daughter! What could be so
important?" I screamed as my breathing speed up and the tears started to fall down my cheeks.

"I had to, ok!"

"Why!" I demanded.

"Just drop it-"

"No! What could have been so important that you would leave me in that hell hole! Night after night, different men, different jobs-"

"I was pregnant! Ok, I was pregnant..." She whispered the last part of the sentence but I was already stunned into silence.

"You were
 pregnant
?" I said each word so quietly and so slowly that I'm surprised that she even heard me.

"Yes. Rainie...I had made enough mistakes with you. I had messed up...I had to get it right...I had to protect this child." She was suddenly calm again.

"Protect? And what about me...who was supposed to protect me?" I whispered as a feeling of sickness washed over me.

"You're strong, and I had made too many mistakes. This was a fresh start, a new slate, you understand that, right?"

"Understand?" I whispered in shock. "I understand that you let your fifteen year old daughter get 
raped
 to save a man who beat you and treated you like rubbish. And then you stood by and let more men touch her, and violate her until she had nothing left. Until she didn't even know who the hell she was anymore. Until a part of her died before her very eyes. Do you have any idea what it's like to watch yourself die piece by piece? Hmm? You let me believe that I was dirty, that something was wrong with me, that I was the one that had done something wrong. You let me believe that it was ok though because we were both in it together, that above all we had each other until one night I woke up to find you gone, and all that you'd left behind was a little piece of yellow paper with the word 
sorry
 on it. Oh, I understand, I get it now. It's not me that's damaged or broken, it's you. You're the one that I truly feel sorry for because you're sick. The fact that you let all that happen and still can justify it tells me that you're ill. I just pray to God that that baby never has to go through a fraction of what I have...I really do." I hung up before she even had the chance to reply. I wasn't mad anymore; I didn't even feel ashamed that Leighton had heard all of that. For the first time I had realised something. All these years I had been telling myself that something was wrong with me, that I was the damaged one but that one conversation proved everything that I needed to know. It wasn't me that was damaged...What Mitch and my mom did to me made them weak and the fact that I survived it, am still surviving it, makes me strong. And I'm sure as hell going to be strong enough to get my aunt back. 

"Hey, come here," he said as he pulled me into his arms. "Ok?" He whispered against my hair.

I nodded my head as I wrapped my arms around his waist, trying to forget that today was even happening. "Thank you," I whispered.

"For what?"

"Teaching me to see things from a different angle...it really works," I chuckled although there was no real humor in my voice.

"Yes...yes it really does," he said as he squeezed me tighter.

* * *

About ten minutes after I had come off the phone to my 'mother' she sent me a text with details of where she believed Mitch had my aunt. I didn't reply, I just helped Leighton to grab our stuff before we drove off.

The journey was silent. I guess that Leighton had just as much to think about as I did, maybe even more. Suddenly I jumped as the sound of Leighton's phone filled the car. It was lying on the dashboard and the vibration was making a loud sound against it. I quickly picked it up to lessen the noise when I saw that it was his grandma calling. 

"It's your grandma, shall I answer it?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah, put it on on speaker."

"Leighton, Leighton? Is that you?" A panicked voice came through the phone.

"Yeah, it's me Gran."