The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya (14 page)

“You are not.”

“I appreciate the metaphor that’s easily understood. That should make this quite simple.”

“No, it’s not easily understood. No, this isn’t simple. Explain everything so that Asahina and I know what’s going on.”

“We don’t have time for that right now, though.”

“Don’t emphasize the last syllable like that. Stop smiling all gentle-like. Throw that red ball somewhere else. And do something about Asahina wrapping herself around my waist. I’m about to lose it.”

“Eek…”

The trembling Asahina had taken away my ability to move. At this rate, I won’t be able to escape

“That won’t be necessary. It won’t take long. I just know it somehow. This appears to be much easier than hunting Celestials.”

The cave cricket had finished materializing and I was worrying about whether it would suddenly jump toward us. I wonder how many meters it can jump. I kind of want to measure… No, not really.

I was blunt.

“Get it over with.”

“Roger that.”

Koizumi launched the red ball and whacked it like he was serving a volleyball. The red handball flew off with impeccable accuracy as it crashed into the front of the cave cricket and made a sound like a paper balloon popping. A pretty stupid method of attacking, but our opponent appeared to be pretty stupid too. I was expecting some form of counterattack, but the cave cricket
didn’t run, jump, or make any weird roaring sounds. It just sat there in silence.

“Is it over?”

Nagato nodded in response to Koizumi’s question. That didn’t take long.

The giant cave cricket began diffusing into its original state of mist and started to fade. The ocher mist trembling around us also began to disappear. Along with the chilling sensation under my feet.

A male in a familiar uniform appeared as a form of compensation, I suppose. The president of the computer society collapsed faceup. He looked like he had fallen out of the chair in front of the computer rack as he lay there with his eyes closed. It appeared that he was alive. Koizumi leaned down next to him and placed one hand against the president’s neck before nodding to me.

We were back in the room in the studio apartment. Makes you wonder where that huge space came from.

In any case, I’m feeling quite relieved. I’ve had enough of being trapped in wide-open spaces, whether they’re gray or ocher.

“Approximately two hundred eighty million years ago.”

Nagato began her explanation of random cosmic nonsense, which if I were to break it down and condense it, would turn into something like the following:

It was either during the Permian or Triassic period when “it” landed on earth, and at the time, there was nothing on Earth capable of housing “it.” Lacking the means to exist on Earth, it went into hibernation to allow for self-preservation. Until an appropriate data network had been born on the planet for it to use.

It lacked the means to exist on Earth. Thus, it froze all activities and settled into a state of sleep.

Eventually, humans were born on Earth and those humans created computer networks. Such immature (according to Nagato) digital information networks, though imperfect, could be utilized as nurseries. However, those were insufficient, so that thing remained in a half-awakened state. But there was an incident which incited its awakening. What served as an alarm clock for that thing was a detonator floating across the Internet. It held more data than could be measured by ordinary numbers. Data that does not exist in this world. Data from another world. This was the shelter that thing had been waiting for…

Nagato abruptly stopped talking.

Nagato had been using the president’s computer as she talked and brought up the SOS Brigade website and displayed the corrupted SOS Brigade emblem.

“The trigger was the invocation sign drawn by Suzumiya. It became a gate.”

“So this SOS Brigade emblem turned into a summoning circle or whatever just now?”

“Yes.” Nagato nodded. “By terrestrial standards, this SOS Brigade emblem holds the equivalent of approximately 436 terabytes of data.”

That’s impossible. That image isn’t even 10 kilobytes big.

But Nagato continued, “It does not correspond to denominations used on Earth.”

“What are the odds? A symbol she drew by chance happened to correspond perfectly. She truly is Suzumiya. She can even beat astronomical odds.”

Koizumi was seriously impressed. And I was seriously scared. Scared of what?

Haruhi does most things on a whim. That’s how the SOS Brigade was formed and that’s how members were assembled. Asahina was picked up as a mascot character. Koizumi was chosen because
he was a transfer student. Nagato had been there to begin with. And then, Asahina was a time traveler, Koizumi was an esper, and Nagato was a pseudo-alien. Too convenient. In fact, Koizumi had said that it wasn’t coincidence when he gave me that nonsense about stuff happening because Haruhi so desired. I’d almost started to believe him, but I couldn’t let that happen. After all, I am an utterly ordinary person. That should be enough to prove otherwise. Koizumi’s theory would require me to have some kind of secret identity that involved hocus-pocus. So it would seem…

What if there had actually been a purpose behind Haruhi’s pointless actions? A purpose she was unaware of. Like how she could randomly write down characters and create a message to some aliens out there. Like a cat tapping away at a keyboard and producing a legible sentence. What are the chances of that happening?

A girl who can easily break through the barrier called probability and unconsciously reach the correct answer. That would be the troublemaker known as Haruhi Suzumiya. I could accept her making me join the SOS Brigade to run errands for her. Yeah, that’s right. It beats the hell out of me having some kind of mysterious background. So, do I have some kind of crazy unknown power or origin?

Is that why she chose me? Don’t tell me that I actually have a secret I don’t know about.

The next issue is what I’m truly frightened about.

Who am I?

I shrugged in an imitation of Koizumi. He’s the one who says, “Good grief.” I’m the one who’s most aware of what my own role is. In short, I serve as the SOS Brigade’s conscience. That has to be it. Deep down, I’m different from the other three brigade members. I’m in the SOS Brigade to persuade Haruhi to spend her time in
high school in a normal fashion. It’s my duty to make her give up and disband this illegal club. Now that I think about it, this would be the fastest path to a peaceful world. No, it’s the only path.

It’s a lot easier to change Haruhi’s concept of the world than to turn the world into the kind of place Haruhi wants. Plus, it doesn’t impose on anybody else.

Of course, the SOS Brigade may never have existed if I hadn’t given Haruhi some bizarre inspiration. Well, you know, we should judge these things on a case-by-case basis. I’ll work this out somehow. Though I don’t know how long it’ll take or why I’m the one that has to do this.

Let’s just move on.

“So what was that cave cricket anyway?”

I figured that I needed to get that question answered before this ordeal would end. Nagato answered in a tone that was like exhaling carbon dioxide.

“A data life form.”

“A relative of your patron?”

“Their origin was similar. However, they branched down a different evolutionary path and became extinct.”

Except there ended up being a survivor. It didn’t have to hibernate on Earth of all places. It could have gone to sleep somewhere around Neptune.

To think that the development of the Internet would become a breeding ground for pseudo-evil gods. That’s when I thought of something. I turned to the petite upperclassman who was collapsed on the floor.

“Asahina, how advanced are the computers in the future?”

“Huh…”

Asahina opened her mouth before shutting it again. I hadn’t really been expecting an answer since it was probably classified, but someone else responded.

“Such a primitive form of data network should no longer be in use,” Nagato said as she ruined the mood and pointed to the computer.

“It is simple to create a system that does not rely on storage media, even for organisms such as terrestrial humans.”

Nagato turned to the side to look at Asahina, who visibly paled.

“Really?”

“That’s… um…”

Asahina mumbled as she hung her head.

“I can’t say…” she said in a quivering voice. “I don’t have the authority to confirm or deny that. I’m sorry.”

It’s totally fine. There’s no need to apologize, seriously. I wasn’t that interested in finding out—hey, Koizumi. How dare you have such a disappointed look on your face?

I attempted to change the subject to save Asahina. Uh, what was there to talk about again? That’s right.

“There’s still something odd.”

I waited for everybody to turn their attention to me.

“I was with Haruhi when she was viewing the stupid picture, and nothing happened. Besides, shouldn’t that thing have shown up the second Haruhi finished her drawing?”

Koizumi gave the response.

“That club room had been transformed into alternate space long ago. A variety of elements and force fields battled and negated one another, leaving the room relatively normal. You could say that it’s in a saturated state. The room is already filled to capacity with various things so there is no room for further assimilation.”

What kind of logic is that? And when had the club room been turned into a den of evil? I never noticed.

“Ordinary people aren’t equipped with unnecessary sensory capabilities. Yes, it’s safe to assume it to be harmless. Most likely.”

Good grief. I wouldn’t mind the temperature of the room being
lowered a bit during summer, but if it gets to the point where I start searching for a hanging rope, I’m out.

“You shouldn’t have to worry about that. Nagato, Asahina, and I are working hard to prevent that.”

“Are you sure this isn’t the result of your hard work?”

Koizumi smiled and said, “Who knows?” as he tilted his head and spread his arms with his palms facing upward.

I turned back to the computer screen. As I stared at the corrupted SOS Brigade symbol, I noticed something. I scrolled down to the bottom of the page.

“Bah.”

The access counter was showing. For some reason, it was the only normal part of the website as it displayed the number of visitors. The access counter hadn’t even been three figures the last time I checked. At the moment, the counter for the SOS Brigade website was at ten, a hundred, a thousand… Whoa, it was almost up to three thousand. Who’s looking at this thing?

“Hyperlinks have been placed in various places,” Nagato said in a quiet voice.

“That is how this data life form multiplies. Very immature. Its data is copied into the brains of the humans who see the signs, leading to the creation of restricted space. A large number of people are required.”

“Which means everybody who saw this… Almost three thousand other people are in the same predicament as the president was?”

“Not exactly. The data for the summoning emblem is damaged. Only a few people browsed the correct data source.”

Probably a server error. Either way, that’s a big help.

“So how many idiots out there clicked the suspicious link and saw the real thing?”

“Eight. Five are students at North High.”

Then those eight people are also trapped in that ocher space-time.
That space controlled by a metaphor that might not necessarily be a cave cricket. We should help—or yeah, we have to go save them. Koizumi was asking Nagato for their addresses (It doesn’t surprise me that Nagato knows this information) and Asahina appeared to intend to go along with them. That means I have to go too. Most of the blame goes to Haruhi, but I was the one who put this magic circle-like thing on the Internet, so I should help clean up the mess.

So I can sleep soundly at night.

The victims at North High wouldn’t be a problem, but it appeared that we’d have to ride the train to save the other three people.

Anyway.

The post-exam break was over with. All that remained was to sit in the club room and wait for summer vacation.

I told Haruhi that the president had come back to school.

“Hmph. I see.”

And with that, she zipped out of the classroom. She was probably stuffing herself in the cafeteria by now. Koizumi and Asahina hadn’t shown up yet.

By the way, Nagato had redone Haruhi’s SOS Brigade symbol and I stuck it on the page. I managed to safely upload it this time. I wonder why? I hope that people concentrate when they look at this thing. The difference was ever so slight, but if you paid attention, you’d find that the drawing said ZOZ Brigade now. That tiny change was apparently the difference between weird stuff showing up or not.

I’d be inclined to say that the moral of this whole spiel would be, “Don’t click on links you don’t recognize.” What do you think?

As I considered the matter, I looked at Nagato, who was sitting at the end of the table reading a numbered set of technical books.

As I watched Nagato’s face, I suddenly thought of something. I
don’t know when she noticed Haruhi’s summoning picture, but maybe she had been the one who destroyed the data?

And there was the person who brought this matter to our attention, Kimidori. I had just visited the computer society’s club room and been told that the president didn’t have a girlfriend. By the president himself, who appeared perfectly fine besides the fact that he didn’t have any memory of the past few days. It didn’t seem like he was lying as he gave me a clueless look when I mentioned Kimidori’s name. The president isn’t that good of an actor.

I became suspicious.

Had Kimidori really come here to request our help? The timing had been too perfect. Haruhi scribbled her drawing and I put it on the website. A number of people saw it and were taken by that data life form thing to an alternate dimension. That was when Kimidori came to us and told us her story and we went to the president’s home. And then we exterminated it.

A perfectly scripted scenario and Nagato was always at the center of it. I wouldn’t be surprised if the omnipotent alien terminal had gone so far as to manipulate Kimidori into bringing us this case.