Read The Book of Even More Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
The Book of Even More Awesome (10 page)
In these anonymous days of big-box stores, gated communities, and rampant Interneting, there's something special about becoming a regular and feeling human connection in your human heart. When you visit your favorite joint it's like welcome back to your corner stool, welcome back to your favorite table, welcome back to your perfect order.
Welcome back to being a regular.
Welcome back to love.
AWESOME!
When a friend starts randomly giving you a massage
There's a few magic ways this deed goes down:
1.
The Couch Classic
. Snuggling up under the blankets, you're warm and cozy in a dark basement in front of a flickering screen. It's late, it's quiet, and suddenly your sister or boyfriend behind you starts softly rubbing your neck and shoulders. All the aches in the world disappear into the abyss as you sigh softly and melt deeper and deeper into the comfy confines of the couch.
The Couch Classic
. Snuggling up under the blankets, you're warm and cozy in a dark basement in front of a flickering screen. It's late, it's quiet, and suddenly your sister or boyfriend behind you starts softly rubbing your neck and shoulders. All the aches in the world disappear into the abyss as you sigh softly and melt deeper and deeper into the comfy confines of the couch.
2.
The Scalper
. This one's a bit rare since it requires sitting in a chair in front of somebody standing up. But occasionally that's exactly the scene when that somebody starts randomly rubbing your head. Now your achy breaky brain is loving the head circulation from that ten-finger rubdown.
The Scalper
. This one's a bit rare since it requires sitting in a chair in front of somebody standing up. But occasionally that's exactly the scene when that somebody starts randomly rubbing your head. Now your achy breaky brain is loving the head circulation from that ten-finger rubdown.
3.
The Foot Surprise
. Some people say feet are disgusting. These people are not me. No, I say feet are our body's most loyal soldiers who take a beating and deserve to be treated right. Unfortunately, it's tricky massaging your own feet, and asking someone to do it can be a bit off-limits. (“Hey, Thompson, when you're done with that drywall, can I ask you a huge favor?”) That's why it's so special when someone starts giving you a secret foot rub. Thanks for doing what we were all afraid to ask for.
The Foot Surprise
. Some people say feet are disgusting. These people are not me. No, I say feet are our body's most loyal soldiers who take a beating and deserve to be treated right. Unfortunately, it's tricky massaging your own feet, and asking someone to do it can be a bit off-limits. (“Hey, Thompson, when you're done with that drywall, can I ask you a huge favor?”) That's why it's so special when someone starts giving you a secret foot rub. Thanks for doing what we were all afraid to ask for.
Yes, you were just sitting there a
sore ball of knots
until you started getting a friendly massage and instantly melted into a soft blissed-out puddle of
sore ball of knots
until you started getting a friendly massage and instantly melted into a soft blissed-out puddle of
AWESOME!
Walking around naked when you're home alone
You are charged with one count of checking yourself out in the mirror, two counts of
irresponsible couch usage
, four counts of shower-to-bedroom carpet drippage, and seventeen counts of temporary nudity of the first degree.
irresponsible couch usage
, four counts of shower-to-bedroom carpet drippage, and seventeen counts of temporary nudity of the first degree.
How do you plead?
AWESOME!
Anything on tap
Once upon a time my friend Chad went to college.
Now, Chad likes to tell people what made him decide to go to school and the reasons why he traded in a job at
Best Buy
for a few hard years of hitting the books.
Best Buy
for a few hard years of hitting the books.
See, on a whim one weekend Chad packed his trunk and cruised down the highway to visit our friend Mike who was away at school. They didn't have any plans but spent a couple days going out for drinks and eating meals at the residence dining hall.
And it was in that dining hall that Chad first came face-to-face with a big beautiful
stainless steel
object of his desire. Yes, he glanced up slowly and realized in a stunning moment that he was staring straight at
chocolate milk on tap.
stainless steel
object of his desire. Yes, he glanced up slowly and realized in a stunning moment that he was staring straight at
chocolate milk on tap.
His jaw dropped and his eyeballs flashed fireworks as he immediately filled three glasses with the sweet-flowing
brown gold
and let his brain reel with infinite possibilities.
brown gold
and let his brain reel with infinite possibilities.
“It's like neverending chocolate milk,” he started, his head bobbing in quick nods excitedly. And then a second later: “I gotta go to college!”
This is actually a true story. Chocolate milk on tap convinced Chad to ditch his job and head down the highway the following year. Chocolate milk on tap changed his life because
anything on tap
is great. Let's count down some killer classics:
anything on tap
is great. Let's count down some killer classics:
â¢
Slurpees.
Flip the switch sideways and let the crystal cola slide smoothly into your cup like a snake. For bonus points, mix and match flavors until your drink looks like the surface of Jupiter.
Slurpees.
Flip the switch sideways and let the crystal cola slide smoothly into your cup like a snake. For bonus points, mix and match flavors until your drink looks like the surface of Jupiter.
â¢
Brown soda aka Swamp Water
. Did you ever get behind an open bar at a wedding when you were a kid? If you remember mixing tall glasses of fountain Coke, Sprite, and root beer into a delightfully tangy swill, then you had a great childhood.
Brown soda aka Swamp Water
. Did you ever get behind an open bar at a wedding when you were a kid? If you remember mixing tall glasses of fountain Coke, Sprite, and root beer into a delightfully tangy swill, then you had a great childhood.
â¢
Beer at a keg party
. Forget the bottles and cans for a night. Now it's time for some foamy pumping. If you're the one guy who actually knows how to tap the keg, then you're the official dude responsible for keeping everyone else's red plastic cup full.
Beer at a keg party
. Forget the bottles and cans for a night. Now it's time for some foamy pumping. If you're the one guy who actually knows how to tap the keg, then you're the official dude responsible for keeping everyone else's red plastic cup full.
â¢
Maple syrup.
Just toss on your hiking boots in the dead of winter, walk silently to the middle of the forest, and tap that tree to get it done, son. It's time to get sticky. (Note: May require hours of boiling.)
Maple syrup.
Just toss on your hiking boots in the dead of winter, walk silently to the middle of the forest, and tap that tree to get it done, son. It's time to get sticky. (Note: May require hours of boiling.)
â¢
Soft-serve ice cream.
Don't you love it when your local buffet has a soft-serve ice cream machine sitting right in the open? You can squeeze a little swirl into your warm, plastic wet-from-the-dishwasher bowl, or go cowboy and build the tallest, swirliest ice cream known to man.
Soft-serve ice cream.
Don't you love it when your local buffet has a soft-serve ice cream machine sitting right in the open? You can squeeze a little swirl into your warm, plastic wet-from-the-dishwasher bowl, or go cowboy and build the tallest, swirliest ice cream known to man.
â¢
Water.
If you've got a drink in the kitchen, clean hands in the bathroom, and a hot shower in the tub, then today's your day to say thanks.
Water.
If you've got a drink in the kitchen, clean hands in the bathroom, and a hot shower in the tub, then today's your day to say thanks.
â¢
Condiment pumps.
Pump that watery ketchup and watch out for unexpected mustard opportunities.
Condiment pumps.
Pump that watery ketchup and watch out for unexpected mustard opportunities.
â¢
The hot chocolate machine
at a camp, cabin, or chalet. Let the good stuff pour out and let's curl by the fire in thick wool sweaters under big poofy blankets.
The hot chocolate machine
at a camp, cabin, or chalet. Let the good stuff pour out and let's curl by the fire in thick wool sweaters under big poofy blankets.
â¢
Nacho cheese at the corner store.
Now, here's the heaviest hitter of all. When you swirl your salty nachos under that hot pump of oozing cheese, you're in for a good night.
Nacho cheese at the corner store.
Now, here's the heaviest hitter of all. When you swirl your salty nachos under that hot pump of oozing cheese, you're in for a good night.
Years later we were sitting around late one night and Chad once again told his famous chocolate milk story. Someone new piped in with a confused look and said, “So, Chad, did it actually change your life?” Chad responded right away. “Chocolate milk changed my life by confirming my desire to go to college. College changed my life because I realized there was more to taps than chocolate. There was beer and cider. There was mustard at the hot dog cart. There was instant water for hot chocolate, oatmeal, and tea. It really made me realize that this world has so many things to offer, on tap.”
So let's all say it here today: When we come face-to-face with
anything on tap,
all cans and bottles fade to black. We'll just grab control of the boat and start pumping nozzles and
squeezing triggers
with reckless abandon, breaking free of the tight shackles of portion control and sailing deeper and deeper into a shadowy paradise of no rules ... no order ... and no limits.
anything on tap,
all cans and bottles fade to black. We'll just grab control of the boat and start pumping nozzles and
squeezing triggers
with reckless abandon, breaking free of the tight shackles of portion control and sailing deeper and deeper into a shadowy paradise of no rules ... no order ... and no limits.
AWESOME!
When you sneeze and a stranger says bless you
Warm Sunday dinners with family, late nights drinking with friends, studying with a group in your basement.
All of these are
high-odds scenes
for scoring a blessing after you sneeze. Chances are good that if you explode in a loud bang of spit and phlegm at the dinner table, at least one of your aunts will say “Bless you” and there's a good shot everyone will chime in. Same when you're grabbing wings or cramming for biology.
high-odds scenes
for scoring a blessing after you sneeze. Chances are good that if you explode in a loud bang of spit and phlegm at the dinner table, at least one of your aunts will say “Bless you” and there's a good shot everyone will chime in. Same when you're grabbing wings or cramming for biology.
But when you're on your own, it's a whole different story.
Tapping on a laptop at the library, washing your hands in the restaurant bathroom, double-stepping up the escalator on your way to work.
These are
low-odds scenes
for netting a blessing. The people around you don't know you and maybe don't notice you. But when you sneeze and there's just silence, it's a bit awkward. I always feel a little lonely in those situations. “Didn't anyone just hear me sneeze?” I want to ask. But instead I just finish washing my hands and wonder if my released spirit is now floating around the urinals.
low-odds scenes
for netting a blessing. The people around you don't know you and maybe don't notice you. But when you sneeze and there's just silence, it's a bit awkward. I always feel a little lonely in those situations. “Didn't anyone just hear me sneeze?” I want to ask. But instead I just finish washing my hands and wonder if my released spirit is now floating around the urinals.
This is why there's something cool about a stranger saying bless you. It's even better when you say nothing before the free blessing and they say nothing afterward. Like a friendly smile on a passing escalator or an empathetic laugh behind you in line, it's just a momentary little
politeness blip
.
politeness blip
.
AWESOME!
Rubbing someone's newly shaved head
Feel the buzz and rub that fuzz.
AWESOME!
Looking at how much dirt came off something you just cleaned
My apartment looks over a busy downtown intersection.
Shredded bird feathers,
swirling dust funnels
, and car exhaust fumes cover my balcony in a thick layer of city grime.
swirling dust funnels
, and car exhaust fumes cover my balcony in a thick layer of city grime.
If you come over and go out there, I'll tell you to put shoes on or suffer
shocking sockicide
. Don't believe me and your white socks will suffer a case of career-ending blackfoot. It's a bad way to go and generally results in grabbing a new pair on the way home.
shocking sockicide
. Don't believe me and your white socks will suffer a case of career-ending blackfoot. It's a bad way to go and generally results in grabbing a new pair on the way home.
The worst part isn't the balcony floor, though.
It's the table and chairs.
They get slimed too but are harder to cover up. I can't just say, “Oh, before you sit down, grab a plastic bag from under the sink and tuck it into your jeans. Thanks!”
It's the table and chairs.
They get slimed too but are harder to cover up. I can't just say, “Oh, before you sit down, grab a plastic bag from under the sink and tuck it into your jeans. Thanks!”
No, I can't do that, I won't do that,
I don't do that
. Instead, I grab a hunk of wet paper towels and slide them all over the chairs and tables while my guests watch with jaw-dropping disgust. The thick mat quickly turns the
blackest black
you've ever seen and I sort of smile and wave it in their face before going inside to throw it out.
I don't do that
. Instead, I grab a hunk of wet paper towels and slide them all over the chairs and tables while my guests watch with jaw-dropping disgust. The thick mat quickly turns the
blackest black
you've ever seen and I sort of smile and wave it in their face before going inside to throw it out.
And ... you know why I smile? You know why I wave it in their face? Besides the fact that I'm not a very nice person, I mean. Well, I'll tell you why: because
I'm proud
of how much dirt came off. To me it's a sense of accomplishment. It's the same as showing your sister that floor cloth with every
square molecule
covered in dust and cat hair. It's the awe with which you stare at the McDonald's napkin that just swabbed all that wet, yellowy grease off your forehead. It's the sensation of looking at the disgustingly dirty tissue after wiping down your TV screen for the first time in a year.
I'm proud
of how much dirt came off. To me it's a sense of accomplishment. It's the same as showing your sister that floor cloth with every
square molecule
covered in dust and cat hair. It's the awe with which you stare at the McDonald's napkin that just swabbed all that wet, yellowy grease off your forehead. It's the sensation of looking at the disgustingly dirty tissue after wiping down your TV screen for the first time in a year.
Looking at how much dirt came off something you just cleaned causes some big swelling feelings to swish together inside you. It's accomplishment, it's cleanliness, and most of all it's “I'm glad I'm not sitting in that.”
AWESOME!
Changing the channel during a commercial break and then flipping back just as the show's coming back on
It's even better if you accomplished something small while the commercials were running, like making some cheese and crackers,
throwing laundry in the dryer
, or putting the kids to bed.
throwing laundry in the dryer
, or putting the kids to bed.
You played a risky game, friend.
But you made it.
AWESOME!
When you meet up with a group of friends and they stop talking to celebrate your arrival
Sometimes you're late for the date.
Stepping into the dark restaurant, shaking off your umbrella, squeezing past the bar, you don't know what you're gonna get: Who's gonna be here? Have they already ordered? Will there even be a chair?
If you're like me, baby butterflies flutter in your stomach when you stumble into
Tonight's Social Scene
for the first time. Brushing rain off your eyebrows, unzipping your jacket, you smile nervously as you spot your friends and walk over to their crowded table in the back.
Tonight's Social Scene
for the first time. Brushing rain off your eyebrows, unzipping your jacket, you smile nervously as you spot your friends and walk over to their crowded table in the back.
And if your entrance is marked by heads turning, forks dropping, fists raising, and loud cheers, it means you're hanging with a great group. So smile and accept their little
Welcome Package
of hugs and high fives.
Welcome Package
of hugs and high fives.
It's gonna be a great night.
AWESOME!
Typing in your username and password at the speed of light
Put your hand up if you type slow.
Yes, if you're a clickity-clackity finger-punching purist whose
chubby fingers
stab at the keyboard with the rhythm and grace of a tiny bird picking pebbles at the park, then you're not alone.
chubby fingers
stab at the keyboard with the rhythm and grace of a tiny bird picking pebbles at the park, then you're not alone.
Stumbling over emails, bumbling over book reports, you touch-type with a finger-bouncing pace that backspaces a bunch, slows down in a crunch, and gets twisted and snarled on big-word speed bumps.
Thank goodness you've got your
username and password
for some speed-of-lightning superfast quick typing.
username and password
for some speed-of-lightning superfast quick typing.
Yes, when you log on to your computer or email account, your fingers suddenly take on a life of their own. They become possessed and you barely recognize them as they zip-zoom across the keys in a windy blur like
The Flash.
The Flash.
Sometimes you really don't even know your password because your brain has
outsourced all memory
of it to your fingers which somehow always manage to come up with it right when you need it most.
outsourced all memory
of it to your fingers which somehow always manage to come up with it right when you need it most.
AWESOME!
Finding hidden compartments in things you already own
My friend Rob welcomes visitors to his swanky apartment by flash-bulbing them in the face with a dusty old Polaroid camera.
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