THE BONDAGE OF LOVE (45 page)

accept her, as you have so forcibly said. In any case I would have had to accept her, because Willie being Willie, he would have gone his own way in the end. But yes, as you have also said, she was wise and she's prepared herself to come up to my level so that I can't look down on her. But you're wrong there. I would never have looked down on her, not in the way you mean.

And I know their intention today was to tell us they were engaged. I

guessed as soon as I saw them on the drive. So, I know all this and it

doesn't need to be repeated again and again. You

said it all. And I'm glad she has found such favour in your eyes; but then she always did. And I'm in no way belittling her efforts because they've been double those of my own as she's been attending night school for over a year and has got three 0 levels. But our efforts, in one way, remained the same: we are both going in for the Open University course, and in English.

So, would you mind, Mr. Bailey, making some remark about," her voice broke slightly here, and she gulped before she finished, 'my efforts. For, you know, you agreed to my going in for it."

"I did nothing of the damn well sort."

Her mouth was in wide gape as she said, "Then you forget the night when you went on your knees..."

"No, I don't forget anything about that night. But what I did say was, if you wanted to go ahead with it, you could go ahead. And you gave me the impression that you were going to drop it. Yes, you did. You did."

"I did nothing of the sort." Her voice was deep and quiet now.

"I

remember, because you were in such a dreadful state; and I remember saying that I wouldn't go ahead with it and you insisted that I should, because if I didn't you would feel more guilty still. And not only guilty, but inferior.

You forget. "

"I forget nothing, woman. Nothing! Nothing! Only, when Mamie came on the scene shortly after wards and you had your hands full with her, and still have, because she depends wholly on you, that your highfalutin ideas about further education were knocked on the head. But what did you do? You

applied to the Open University straightaway. And oh, I know quite a bit about it. For instance, they get so many applicants for doing English,

because it's the easiest of the lot and they've got a waiting list."

There was silence for a full minute before she said, "Well, if you've been informed that it's the easiest of the lot, then you have been informed

wrongly. And there's nothing easy when you have to work mentally, do you hear? Mentally, for five years at least. Then your mental ability has to be such that your work is of the standard that will enable you to have earned a degree."

Again there was silence between them, and she knew that if she didn't get out of the room quickly she would burst into tears. She had the weekend before her and all her children home; even Mark would be here tomorrow with his friend, Roland Featherstone, and she'd be expected to lay on a special table for an engagement party. So, she must control herself. She must get away from him.

So that she shouldn't pass him, she went round the head of the couch and behind it, and when she was half-way down the room, her way was blocked.

"Come and sit down. We must talk."

"I think we've done all the talking necessary for one day."

Again she went to move past him, when he said, "You go out that door and you'll have a cold bed for many a night ahead."

She lifted her head sharply and stared at him, then marched towards the door.

It was something he had never expected her to do. But once again he was ahead of her with his back tight against the door, and, his voice different and his manner almost one of bewilderment, he said, "What's come over us?

What's the matter? Why are we like this?"

She looked straight up into his face as she said, "Ask yourself.

You'll find the answers there. Let me out! "

"Oh no! Oh no!"

He actually took her by the shoulders now and forced her back up the room and onto the couch, and, although he didn't throw her, she fell with a plump into the corner. And then he was sitting beside her, gripping her hands, and again he said, "What's come over us?"

She turned her head fully to him; her glance was not only cool, but cold.

And as he looked back into her face, he cursed himself for the domination that ruled him, at least with regard to her. When his head dropped before her gaze, his hand loosened on her arm and he turned from her and leaned for ward, his head in the palms of his hands, his elbows on his knees. And like this they sat for some minutes before he said quietly, "If you want to go, go."

Again there was silence between them. Then he startled her by flinging round and gathering her to him.

"Why does this happen to us?" he cried.

"Why?" Then without waiting for an answer he went on, "Oh, I know, I know.

It's me. But... but, as I told you before, there's something in me where you're concerned.

It is because you're all I have and ever want to have, and I can't share you.

And yet it isn't only that; it's that I can't bear you to think of anyone but me. "

"But this isn't a person, it's a thing."

"Yes. I know, dear, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. You see, it's as I said, it's something that moves you away from me." He turned from her, saying, "It's no good. I've tried. I've tried. And, oh God! The things it makes me say to you." He swung round again and pulled her into his embrace.

"I never thought in my whole life I would ever say you'd have a cold bed to come to. Where do such thoughts come from? I think, you know, love, I'm a little insane. Yes, I mean this, at least, about you. Everything else I have to deal with, work, people, those high up and those low down, every facet of business, they're all in order in different pockets in my mind, so to speak. But when I think of you, it's as if my whole being was a pocket and full of love. But the love is mixed up with jealousy and domination and everything that I would condemn in anyone else."

"Oh, Bill! Bill!" And when he muttered, "It's like a disease and I know I'll never be cured of it," she thought, yes, it is a disease, and it wasn't right, for her life was contaminated by it now. But what was the solution?

Give in to him? Let him have all his

own way? Let him possess her as he wanted to? And what about her and her feelings for him? Would this deep love which, in a way, consumed her, would it last? No. No, it wouldn't. Not under those conditions.

When he said, "Everybody except me has known what you were doing," she pulled away from him, saying, "No! No, Bill. Nobody knew. I was going to tell you myself, but ... but Daisy sprang her surprise on me.

Nobody, no-one else knew. "

"Not Nell?"

"No. Well, she knew I had had it in mind a couple of years ago, but she thought I had dropped it, especially with all the business after Mamie came back."

"But Katie knew."

"No. No more than Nell. I've told no-one. This was between you and me."

From the look on his face she felt that his self- esteem was being eased just the slightest, and when he said, "Not your mother, even?"

she replied, "No. No. Of course not."

He pulled her gently towards him and dropped his head onto her shoulder and he muttered, "Of all the maniacs in this world, I'm one.

And it's like being mad, I suppose. It's worse when you're aware of being mad. "

When there came the sound of a car-horn hooting, they both looked upwards.

"That'll be Sammy and Katie," she whispered. When she added, as if in a plea, "Oh! Bill," he said, "Don't worry. Now, don't worry. I'm all right.

It's something to know, like a salve on a sore, that this

is just between you and me, that the whole household hasn't been aware of it. "

"Bill," - her voice was very low 'there'll always be just you and me. Can't you believe that? Everybody else is secondary, all of them.

There'll always be just you and me. "

As a loud exchange of hooting and laughter came from the hall, he kissed her hard on the lips, then held her back from getting up and said, "We'll just sit here, the old couple waiting for the family to descend on them."

Fiona smiled, took his hand, and leant back in the corner of the couch.

When the door burst open and they came in amidst laughter, high chatting, and pushing one another, but all in the direction of the couch. Bill cried at them, "Stop making that racket." Then, putting his hand out to Katie, he said, "Hello, love," and she answered, "Hello, Mr. Bill." Then she bent and kissed Fiona. But as she straightened up, she said, "You all right, Mam?"

"Fine. Fine."

"What d'you think about these two?"

"Not much, never have." And to this there was hooting and cries of "Many a true word spoken in jest."

Willie and Daisy were standing before them now, he in front of Fiona and Daisy in front of Bill. When, nodding from one to the other. Daisy had got as far as saying, "Our main purpose for ... I mean, my main purpose for coming here today all dressed up and my face naked--', she couldn't go

on for the laughter and jibes, Sammy crying, "You look barefaced," and Katie cried, "You look lovely, Daisy. Lovely."

Willie shouted, "Shut up, you lot!" Then looking at his mother, he said, "We came to tell you we were engaged." And, turning his look on Bill, he said,

"I wanted to tell you outside. Dad, but the car He now tossed his head from side to side, as he added, " Well, the car was more important at that moment," which brought him such a push from Daisy that it was only Fiona's arm going out that stopped him toppling on to the nearest chair.

Daisy was again looking at Bill and saying, "But it's a lovely car.

Beautiful. And you're kind, as ever. I've got to give you that. " She was bobbing her head at him now.

"You may be ... no, you are a great Big Bawling Chief, but' - her voice dropped 'you're a very kind Bawling Chief, and it's our house that knows it."

And with this she leaned forward, and when she went to kiss him, he put his arms around her and she fell onto his knee amid more laughter.

On her feet once more, she said, "And, you know, you're going to be my father-in-law. Coo! Lord! Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to get used to it before Christmas and the big event."

"What!" The 'what' came both from Katie and Sammy and Katie yelled, "You're not, are you? You're not?"

"No, I'm not," said Daisy. Now she was pushing at Katie.

"Of course, I'm not. It's like you two;

it'll be years. But I wanted to put the fear of God into him. "

After she had kissed him, Bill had sat back and just looked at this young girl. If ever there had been a rough diamond in this world, it had been her.

Look what she had done to turn into this beautiful butterfly on the outside, the while inside she had been preparing herself to come up to Willie's

standard of upbringing. And he would like to bet, ten to one, she would outdo him in brains before very long. And how would he like that? He looked at Willie, who was now standing with his arm around Daisy's waist, and he thought ruefully, he won't mind. He'll just be proud of her. In fact, he could see him helping her along that mental road, for Willie too had a good brain on him. Acknowledgement of this fact made him more aware of his own deficiencies, and he asked himself, why he couldn't be happy for this lovely being at his side wanting to improve her mind? Oh, he didn't want to go into it all again. It was the way he was made. But he would have to do something about it, for were he to bring his real feeling out into the open concerning her, they would all hate his guts. Look how Katie had turned on him that day.

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT "EM, JOIN THEM. The words ran like an illuminated advert through his mind, and he repeated them to himself, " If you can't beat 'em, join them. " It was an idea. But what would he take up?

What could he take up? Good God! There was plenty to choose from.

And he was no dullard; he had a brain all right, and with a little effort he could turn it into any channel he liked. Oh dear! Here he was, thinking big again. Well, why not? In this case, why not? And there was no need for him to come home and work at nights like he often did. At the moment it was like keeping dogs and barking yourself; there were others on the site to do what he did now. So an hour or so a night could be given over to . There was the sound of a commotion in the hall and Sammy cried, "It's Nell." And when he hurried down the room and opened the door, Nell was about to push it from the other side. When she saw them all together in the room, she said, "What's this? Having a party already?"

Bert, coming in behind her, called, "Hello, there, Sammy. Hello, there, Katie."

Then Nell, who had stared at Daisy for a moment, exclaimed, "Why!

Daisy, you look . "

"Don't say it, Mrs. Nell. I'm respectably dressed. I'm barefaced, but that's the only change in me;

inside I'm just the same. My mouth will tell you that. "

"She's not just the same, Nell," Willie was crying now.

"She never will be again. We are engaged."

"Eng ... engaged? Oh! Lovely! Lovely! Congratulations, dear!" Nell was kissing Daisy and Bert was shaking Willie's hand; and then Nell said to Fiona, "What d'you think of this, eh?" Although, in her own heart and soul she was thinking, oh, dear me! Oh, dear me! Another trial.

Bill was now asking Bert where the children

were, and Nell answered for him, saying, "Well, where they always are, upstairs in the nursery." Then looking over the back of the couch to where Katie and Sammy were standing, she called, "Now, you're all set.

That's the pair of you. " Only for Bill to pull himself to the edge of the couch and say " You don't know the half of it, nosey. Look, Willie, run upstairs and bring Gran and Mamie down, and the children. This event, and others to be revealed to you, Mr. and Mrs. Ormesby, deserve a toast. And you, Sammy and Katie, go and bring in some sherry and glasses and a tray of lemonade for the children. "

When Mrs. Vidler entered the room with Mamie and the three children, followed by Willie, she hesitated for a moment while looking up the room to where Daisy was standing. Then she exclaimed, "Good gracious!