The Bond That Built Us (26 page)

I brought it up to Liz hoping she would take my bait and veer from the Kellan topic. She did for about three minutes then somehow it morphed back into Kellan.

I don’t know what she is trying to get to with him but I really hate her for it. In fact, I tell her this.

“I hate you,” I sneer.

“Hate is a strong word. Why do you hate me?” She doesn’t even seem upset about my distaste for her.

“Because all we talk about is Kellan.
Kellan, Kellan, Kellan! Oh, Kellan. I’m tired of talking about him, it puts me in a bad mood.”

She smiles.
I want to rip it off of her face and throw it on the floor… then stomp on it a little. “AJ,” she begins. I forced her to call me AJ, anyone calling me Aubrey just seems wrong now. “Maybe the reason you are in a bad mood is because you miss him and us talking about him brings up feelings.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I don’t think so,” she quips.

“Fine, it brings up
feelings
, but not the kind you are thinking of. Kellan and I went through so much shit together, that is our bond. Tragedy and pain is our bond. So when we talk about him
that
is what I think of- the awful tragic things that happened to us. Hence the pissy mood.”

“There is nothing wrong with building a relationship out of that.”

“Yes there is! Because once the sorrow and everything dies down, so does the relationship. There won’t be anything left.” I’m talking with my arms, making enormous circles with them and exaggerating my motions.

“That is not true and you know it,” Liz snaps. She is starting to get irritated with my stubbornness. Finally
some kind of emotion other than indifference. “You two had a connection before you were abducted, that counts for something. And what about those months after? It wasn’t all about the nightmares, or the pain. Your relationship grew into something amazing, and with or without all the shit that happened to you, you guys are meant to be together.” Her nostrils are flaring and she is gripping the armrests so hard I can hear the pleather grounding out its agony.

My mind refuses to listen to what she just said. So what if she is a doctor who
went to school for this stuff? She doesn’t know shit. She’s said before that her specialty is not relationships, but PTSD. They are not the same thing and don’t coincide. I show my rebellion by glaring at her. Finally she growls and stands.

“This session is over. Get out.”

“What? But it’s only been twenty minutes!”

“I don’t care. I’m tired of arguing with you. You are so adamant to ruin what you have with him that you are throwing your whole life away.”
Her lips are pursed together so tight the edges are white. Her hand that is pointing to the door is shaking.

“That makes no sense, Liz. I have my whole life ahead of me,” I retort.

“No, you naïve girl. Kellan is your life. Without him you will be that lonely, self loathing doormat you were before you met him. You need him to grow and be the woman you are supposed to be. Now get out.” She points to the door again and dismisses me with a turn of her head.

I stand there flabbergasted with my mouth unattractively open. I blink a few times before storming out of the office.

“Wait, Miss James. You need to schedule your next appointment!” The receptionist calls out to me as I flee the building. I flip her off and slam the door behind me, leaving behind what I know is the truth. I need Kellan.

24

Kellan

After seeing Aubrey, I decided to go back to Liz. I hadn’t gone since Aubrey left that day. There was so much to say, but no way to say it. We started with the easy stuff- school, baseball, and how I’m sleeping. When I tell her I’ve been sleeping like shit s
he nods like she is expecting that answer.

“And
what about Aubrey?”

“What about her?”
I know I came to talk about her, but when she brings her up it pisses me off. It should be on my time, not hers.

Liz shrugs and lets me interpret her cryptic question.
I grimace and chew on my lower lip to think. “I don’t know. She’s apparently back with her ex-boyfriend. There’s nothing to say.”

Liz furrows her eyebrows together and tilts her head to the side. “What ex-boyfriend?”

I am surprised, I assume Aubrey would have told her about him. “Corey. He’s on the team with me. I saw her at a game two weeks ago and he came up to me and said they were getting back together. Then later that week Corey and I got bunked together during an away series and he called her and talked to her.” I didn’t have many words with Corey during that time, only that if he hurts her I will cut him to pieces. I also brought up the library and Cara and he blanched. He said she was trying to get with him but he wanted Aubrey instead. It doesn’t really add up but I let it slide. I’m just hoping he isn’t cheating on her, I want to believe that he didn’t before, but now it’s not looking so good for Corey.

“He actually talked to her?”

“Well, no, actually. He left her voicemails,” I trail off, confused that Liz is intrigued with this. “I’m sure Aubrey has already told you about him.”

“Yes she has, but…” She stops short. “Damn patient privacy laws,” she mutters.

“Liz, it’s been a month since I’ve talked to her. If she hasn’t made the effort to see me then it’s over.” I don’t want to admit that to myself, but it’s the truth.

“But have
you
made the effort?”

“Yes.”
I don’t hesitate when I tell her. Even though it’s kind of a lie.

“I beg to differ. She told me that you texted her. A text, Kellan? Really? You need to fight for her, show her that you can be the solid person in her life. She needs it.”

“Maybe I don’t want to be that anymore.”

Liz rolls her eyes. “And I don’
t want George Clooney,” she says sarcastically. “Do you know why she bolted?”

I sat there thoughtfully. “No.”

“Kellan,” she starts. She leans forward and continues, “Aubrey is fragile. Her cousin was her everything for a majority of her life, until one day it all came crashing down. It changed something inside of her. Her heart shattered and hadn’t been mended until you came along.”

“I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand why she would run off. I told her I loved her, wouldn’t that help her?”

“Not necessarily. Aubrey loved MJ, and for a long time the feeling was reciprocated. Aubrey was completely blindsided when MJ sided against her. So for years, Aubrey was alone. Until she met you. You took over the role of Aubrey’s best friend and confidante and it changed her. It worked for you guys, until the feelings grew and you knew you wanted to change what you had. So in a roundabout way, you blindsided Aubrey again. You reminded her of what happened with MJ.”

I scoff and roll my eyes. “My relationship with Aubrey was nothing like her and MJ’s.”

“What about their relationship before Cara came along? They did everything together, just like you two did. How is it so different? Aubrey’s poor little heart was afraid of being shattered again. She cut off the relationship with you before she could realize she loves you back. She thought that if she did that, the pain of losing you wouldn’t hurt as bad.”

“She wasn’t going to lose me, though,” I mutter. “Did she tell you all this?”

Liz shakes her head no. “She’s been coming every week. And she is an open book, I probably know more about her than her own mother or even herself.”

“So she loves me back?” Hope surges through my entire body.

“I think she does, though she won’t admit it. I don’t think she even knows herself. So remember what I said earlier about fighting for her? She needs you to fight for her. Do what MJ never did and prove that you love her and don’t want to be without her.”

I don’t even say thank you or goodbye. I run out of the office and down the hallway. Once I reach the waiting room and speed through it the receptionist groans and says, “Not again!”

I jump into my car and put it in drive before I even have my seatbelt on. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her so I slow the fuck down so I have time to think about it on the drive. Before I can sort out my mess of a brain, my phone chimes from my back jean pocket.

“Hello?”

“Mr. McCabe? This is Commissioner Harrison from the police department. I have some great news. Carlos Esperanza and AndresRuiz are in custody and are being compliant.”

“What does that mean?”
I’m supposed to know what that means?

“It means they will be in prison for a long time.”

“Oh my God, thank you,” I breathe out. I wish Aubrey was with me right now. “Wait, have you told Aubrey yet?”

“Miss James? Not yet, sir. She is next on the list to call.”

“Can I tell her? Please?”

I can sense his hesitancy through the receiver. “I would feel more comfortable if I-“

“Please!” I demand.

“Alright, okay. Don’t make me regret this, young man. I’ll keep in touch in case anything changes, but more than likely you two won’t need to be present at the court hearing.
I’ll have one of my deputies mail you the information on the court procedures in case you do want to be present. Take care, son.” He hangs up before I can respond. I am giddy with anticipation. I might explode if I get stimulated with anything else. My toes are twitching inside of my sneakers and my fingers are drumming on the steering wheel.

I pull up to Aubrey’s house and let out a huge breath. I slowly make my way to the door and knock. A few seconds go by and I knock again. I risk looking like a stalker and I peek through the windows. It looks like she isn’t home. Of course.

I head straight to the library. These last few weeks have been great for my senior project. I am almost done and I still have a little less than a month left to tweak it. I manage to make some work of it, but I’m so distracted I am finding myself doing the same thing over and over again.

After a few hours of half-ass work
, I head back to Aubrey’s. Her living room light is on and her car is in the driveway. I feel like a moron for not noticing it was gone the first time. I knock and wait. The door swings open and the smell of spaghetti sauce pours out of the house. She is in a black sundress and barefoot. Her bangs are pulled back from her face with bobby pins and she is sans makeup except for mascara. She is breathtaking.

“Kellan,” she gasps.
Her chest rises and falls quickly and her delicate hand reaches up to calm her heart.

“Aubrey. I have something to tell you,” I blurt out.

“Um, okay, come in. I’m making dinner. You hungry?” She steps to the side and lets me in. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her senseless right here but refrain from it because it would scare the shit out of her. She walks into the kitchen and I follow. She stirs the boiling pot of pasta and turns with the wooden spoon still in her hand. The scalding water drips down onto her wrist and she hisses in pain.

She sets the spoon down and picks up another, stirring the meat sauce. She licks the sauce covered spoon and nods.

“So what did you need?”
You
.

“You might want to step away from the stove for this one. Here, take a seat.” I pull out a chair from the kitchen set she has tucked away in the corner. She sits cautiously and waits for me to continue.

“Okay. I got a call from the police today,” I say calmly.

“You what?!” She stands and her hand flies to cover her mouth. I can see fear in her eyes, she thinks this is bad news. I grab her shoulders and shove her back down.

“They are in custody, Aub.”

She stares at me and doesn’t move. I repeat myself, thinking she didn’t hear me the first time. She visibly swallows and finally breaks our gaze, her eyes searching the floor like it holds answers. I was expecting her to jump into my arms and be ecstatic so this tranquil and thoughtful Aubrey is somewhat startling me.

“Did you hear me?”

She nods, barely. After seconds, minutes, I don’t know, her chin starts to tremble. She bites down on her bottom lip to stop it but the tears begin flowing freely. She squeezes her eyes tightly shut and sniffs back a sob.

I’m still fucking confused about her reaction so I stand there and wait it out.

Her body stops shaking and she wipes her tears away with the back of her hand. She bolts out of the chair and walks past me without a word.

“Aubrey-“

“I have to call my mom.” She picks her phone up off of the coffee table but drops it. Her hands are so unsteady. When the voicemail picks up she mutters a quick “dammit” and tosses it onto the couch. Her hands are on her hips and she is staring at the water bottle sitting on the table. I slowly saunter to her and when I’m but inches away from her she looks up.

Her bright blue eyes capture me and swallow me whole. I am still so much in love with her I can’t take another rejection. I suddenly don’t want to be here anymore, expecting just that. But like the masochist I am, I can’t be this close to her and not kiss her.