The Bond That Built Us (23 page)

Our relationship has taken a turn I wasn’t expecting. It’s still complicated, but now there is a name for it. Friends with benefits. I remember sitting in class and laughing to myself when I would overhear girls around me talk about their friends who they hooked up with- now I’m that girl. What a hypocrite I am.

I start wiggling my toes and chewing on my lip, needing to expel whatever nervous energy I have in my body at the moment. It doesn’t help. Thankfully, a body plops down beside me.

“Hey, AJ!” Heather chimes. Lorena leans forward from the other side of Heather and waves. “Nice seats.”

“Thanks. Kellan is making me sit here for some reason.”

Heather’s eyebrows jump up slightly and a small smirk spreads across her face. “Oh, really?” She singsongs. “So you’ve never sat here before?”

“No, I’m usually the one up on the top row, or on my couch,” I smile.

“Interesting…” she quips.

“What?”

“Oh, nothing, it’s just interesting.” She lifts her chin slightly and stares out toward the field, which is still deserted.

“You said that, quit being so cryptic and tell me
why
this is interesting,” I glare at her for extra emphasis.

“I’ll tell you after the game. Don’t want you skipping out.” She smiles at me and quickly looks at Lorena who is holding back her own grin.

“Grr, you are such a butthead!” I cross my arms and huff, wishing there was a back to the bench so I could slump backward and pout more comfortably.

“I can’t believe you just called me a butthead. What are you, five?”

The two of them snicker beside me and look out on the field. Within a few minutes the announcer’s voice booms over the speakers and everyone around me starts to cheer. He announces the visiting team and boos echo through the air. I don’t like heckling the other team for some reason so I just sit there and be a spectator.

The announcer’s voice changes slightly, growing in intensity and volume as he gears up for the announcement of our team. As soon as the word ‘tigers’ rings through the speakers, deafening cheers and applause surround me. I take pride in being one of the people involved. The players step out of the dugout and wave at us then disappear again. I spot Kellan a little ways down the line before he ducks back into the dugout.

The game is actually a little boring. We are completely dominating the other team. Their starting pitcher is giving up so many hits, they bring in the reliever in the third inning. And still, our guys tear through him as well. By the eighth inning we are up nine to one.

Since it isn’t very exciting, I spend most of the last two innings chatting with Heather and Lorena.
That is until Heather elbows me and nods toward the baseball diamond.

“
Somebody
is trying to get your attention,” she says. I glance over to where she indicated and see Kellan on deck. He is staring right at me and smiling, not even paying attention to the guy batting before him. He has his bat across the back of his neck and resting on his shoulders with his hands on each side. I shamelessly eye him up and down in his uniform. Yum.

Suddenly Heather begins laughing loudly to my right, her head thrown back and everything.

“What?” I ask irritatingly.

“Wow, I’ve never seen two people want to tear each other’s clothes off as much as the two of you. And that’s saying a lot, I go to a lot of frat parties.”

“Whatever,” I flush, knowing my cheeks are becoming an embarrassing shade of red. I try to brush off her comment, but I am suddenly paranoid whenever I look at him. I tear my eyes to the scoreboard. It’s the ninth inning and onlyone out. The guy who just batted got a single and is standing at first, listening to the first base coach and nodding as he peels off his batting glove.

Kellan stands at the batter’s box and takes his stance. I can see the focus in his eyes all the way over here. His fingers grip the bat a little tighter and his left leg bounces around, waiting for the pitch. I’ve already seen him bat a few times already today but for some reason this time it looks different. His
intensity and confidence has multiplied, and I know before the ball leaves the pitcher’s hand that it’s going over the fence.

The ball speeds toward him and I hear a crack before my eyes register that he swung. I look around in the sky for it and stand up in anticipation when I spot it. It disappears behind the wall, just a few feet from the foul line. I start jumping up and down and clapping but I am drowned out by the rest of the crowd.

As he rounds third to come home, his teammates are all standing around waiting for him. He jogs into home and high fives all of them and makes his way toward the dugout- toward me. He is smiling as he looks up and winks at me.

I give him a cheesy grin which makes him laugh and he hops down into the dugout and out of sight.
Watching him make that homerun gave me a boost of adrenaline causing me to shake uncontrollably, and I know if I try to move from this spot I will end up hurting myself like the klutz I am.

“Mmhmm, that’s what I thought,” Heather teases. When I whip my head to look at her questioningly, she rolls her eyes and sighs. “Fine I’ll tell you! Jeez, you can be so clueless. This area is traditionally reserved for the
girlfriends
.” She smirks so large that dimples form.

“But you guys are sitting here, and when I was dating
Corey I never sat here,” I say, confused.

Lorena shrugs and adds, “Yeah, but the fact that Kel
asked
you to sit here speaks volumes.” I scrunch my nose in denial.

“Are you that dense, AJ? The guy
likes you. Bad.” Heather snips and I hear a little jealousy woven into her words. Every girl I’ve ever met wants Kellan even if they won’t admit it.

He likes me, so what? We’ve hooked up a few times, I would
hope
he likes me just for that fact. The first time we did it, it was awful. I was still damaged. But after I cleared my heart by speaking to MJ, it was like a string snapped and all my anxiety disappeared. I felt confident, safe, and happy. Very happy.

Since then, Carlos and Andres haven’t popped up into my head when Kellan touches me. It’s just me and him. I never thought I could change so suddenly, like a light switch.  Maybe Liz has helped a lot and all it took was some closure from a stressful time to snap me out of it. This is definitely something Liz needs to know about, minus the sex part. It’s awkward to talk to her about that, she’s my mom’s age.

I faintly notice the people around me cheering and standing up to leave. The players are lining up and highfiving the other team in a row and exiting the field. Heather and Lorena are at the end of the bleacher and waiting for me to figure it out. The game is over.

“Earth to AJ?” Heather jokes. “You coming?”

I bolt up on my feet and shimmy down the row to the stairs. As I turn to leave the stadium I hear my name over the hum of the crowd. As I flip around I see Kellan at the foul line.

“Hey, see you at home?” He asks, hope laced in his voice.

I smile and nod, not wanting to yell across the impatient people behind me in the aisle. As I say goodbye to Heather and Lorena and follow the herd to the parking lot, I think about what the girls said. I plop down into my driver’s seat and crank the car. The music blares through the car and I turn it down. This car ride deserves some serious thinking, and I very well can’t do that with the volume at its max.

As I sit in traffic waiting to exit the lot, I replay in my mind all the looks and smiles Kellan gave me tonight. I try and think back further, seeing if there were any clues before tonight. Our relationship is so effortless I never even noticed anything was different. But there was. I see it now and it baffles me. What does he want? More? I’m completely content with how things are now.

After I had my epiphany when I talked to MJ, I felt better. I wasn’t bogged down with stress or grief or even anxiety. There are a few times still when I feel afraid and I still have nightmares ever so often, but I’ve improved so much. I almost feel back to normal.

Before I know it, I’m walking into my house and slipping into the shower. Since I didn’t get my eardrum-blowing session in my car, I decide to do it there. My iPod blares from its positi
on on the bathroom counter after I select Lady Gaga. I need some angst.

I let the questions about Kellan wash down the drain with the water and I spend some extra time washing my hair, massaging my scalp until it stings. I grab the knob and turn it, effectively shutting off the water.

“Shit,” I mutter. I forgot a towel. I stand in the shower and swipe at the water droplets on my skin, trying to knock them off. I twist my hair and squeeze out as much water as I can. I tiptoe out of the tub and to the door. I tiptoe down the hallway toward the linen closet and shimmy my hips to the music that is still blasting through the bathroom. I stick my head into the closet and grab my favorite fluffy bath towel then shut the tiny door only to see Kellan standing on the other side of it.

“Kellan!” I scream. I smack him in the chest and drop the towel in the process. “You scared me.” I bend down to pick up the towel and wrap it around me. I look up at him and he hasn’t said anything yet. There is definitely a fire in his eyes and I see
that
look again.

He lifts his arm and extends his hand out to me. I hesitantly take it and still without a word he pulls me into the bedroom and shuts the door. I’ve never been looked at like the way he is looking at me now. It makes me nervous. He lays me down on the bed and kisses me so passionately I want to cry. He runs his hands over me, not in a dominating way but like he is worshipping me.

If I thought his kiss earlier made me want to cry, I should have prepared for this. As he enters me and makes love to me, I actually cry. Not an ugly sob or anything, but a couple tears force their way down my cheeks. It’s beautiful the way he is treating me at this moment. I feel adored and cherished; and I cry again.

As we sit on the little couch in Liz’s office, the therapist across from us is eying us suspiciously.

“
Aubrey, how are you feeling?”

“Great, actually. I talked to MJ and I told her off.” I smile at the memory. It felt amazing.

“Really? Will you tell me what happened?”

As I sit there and go through what was said, Liz smiles and nods every once in a while. I proceed to tell her that my anxiety has dwindled and nightmares are almost nonexistent now. I leave out the part about Kellan and me, even though I’m pretty sure he is a main reason I’m coping so well.

Liz turns to Kellan and asks him about his goal. He twitches a little in his seat and glances at me quickly before answering. “Yeah, I did it.”

“And?” Liz prods.

“And, um…” He looks uncomfortable and I’m super curious because I never knew what his goal was.

“Oh!” Liz
flinches and continues. “I’m sorry I totally forgot this was a solo goal. Um, Aubrey?” She smiles expectantly at me so I nod uncomfortably and exit the office. As I sit in the hallway, I itch to know what is going on in there. I press my ear to the door but all I hear are faint mumbled noises, damn. I wish I had crazy good hearing so I can hear what they are talking about. I feel like it’s taking forever before Liz cracks the door open and lets me back in.

“Kellan and I have been discussing a few things, and
we brought up MJ. Do you think you’ll ever be friends with her again?”

My eyes avert to the ground and I stare at the brown and green speckled carpet, trying to find a design of any kind in the random pattern.
Right when I see what looks like Charlie Brown’s head, Liz clears her throat. I jump to attention and stutter. I forgot what she asked.

“
Will you be friends with her ever again?”

I thought for a few moments. “I’m not sure.
I don’t think so. She hasn’t been my friend for years. If I never talk to her again that would be fine with me.”

“
Why do you feel that way?”

“Because if it wasn’t for her I would have never been taken,” I blurt out. Holy shit, that isn’t how I feel at all! “Wait, I really don’t mean that. I’m just still upset at how she reacted, that’s all.”

“Aubrey, there is nothing wrong with feeling that way. Even if it is a round-about way, you are correct.” We both notice Kellan fuming beside me. “Kellan, do you have something to add?”

He licks his lips before speaking. He turns his body to look me dead in the eye as he speaks. “I think it’s bullshit that you think she is a part of this at all. So what that she forced you to go to Mexico? You might resent her for that, but I don’t. I am thankful for it.”

“What?” I shriek. “You’re thankful that everything happened?”

“If it wasn’t for her, we would have never met. Granted, the shit in Mexico we could have gone without, but it made us closer. I can’t hate MJ for taking you to Mexico because she brought you to me.” He is frowning and his voice is firm but the words coming out of his mouth are heartfelt. “These last few days have been fucking amazing and if you think that MJ didn’t play a role in it you are sadly mistaken.”

“What was so different about the last few days? Oh, you like that we screw around now? Is that what makes this so special? I forgot, you’re a guy and you like fucking girls. If I knew how happy you’d be about it I would have done it a long time ago,” I spit sarcastically.