The Bond That Built Us (20 page)

“What are we doing, Kellan?” she asks breathlessly.

“Um, we
were
kissing, but now we are just talking about it, which is a little awkward.”

“No, not literally.
What are we doing? You told Corey we are
just friends
but then you jump me like that, and people don’t do that who are
just friends
,” she says those words like they are venom in her mouth.

“I don’t know. What do you want?” I need to know she wants me just as much as I want her. There are times when I can see it, and others when I think she wants nothing more than friendship.

She sighs heavily and drops her arms to her sides. “I’m not sure. Sometimes I miss my life before I met you. When it was less complicated and less messed up.” Ouch. Talk about a knife to the chest. She sees me shrink away and recovers. “No, I don’t regret meeting you or anything. I just, there are times when I wonder what if I didn’t go on the trip, ya know? I mean, I’d be missing out on you, but then all the other shit wouldn’t be here. It’s complicated,” she frowns and collapses into the couch with her arms across her chest and her chin down.

I know that she won’t make the first move. She is waiting on me to sweep her off her feet and be the best damn boyfriend ever. But I don’t think I can give that to her. I usually screw up in situations like this, and this time I
know it would crush us both if – when - I did. So I decide to compromise.

“Okay, so how about we do this. I enjoy spending time with you, Aubrey. I don’t want to stop hanging out with you, I don’t even want to stop kissing you. How about we just keep it the way it is. It’s worked so far, right?”

She is chewing on her thumbnail and for the first time since I got here I see the scrapes on her hands and the gloss of Neosporin over them. “Is there a word for the way we are? You aren’t my boyfriend, and it seems wrong to call you just my friend.” She is right. Whenever I tell anyone she is my ‘friend’ it feels like a kick in the balls. But I don’t know how to explain it to her. Normally if I’m ever in an awkward “relationship” with a girl, they either never bring titles up or if they do, they hit the curb after I kick them out. I’m definitely not kicking her out of my life, but I decide to not talk about it anymore.

So
I defer the situation and focus on her hands. “Did this happen on your way home?” I ask and grab her hands gently, lightly rubbing my fingers over the scratches on her skin.

She nods and lifts her leg, basically shoving her foot into my face. “Baby toe, stubbed it trying to get to your call. I also busted my ass pretty good outside, when I scraped up my hands. Fell on the ice. My butt probably is a couple different colors by now.”

“I can check that for you,” I joke, giving her a smirk and a wink.

She stands and unbuttons her jeans, sliding them down to her mid-thigh. She rotates her upper body and with her fingers, lifts the part of her underwear that is covering her ass. “Well?” She asks, after I’ve
thoroughly checked out her butt, which is perfect.

“Just a little red,” I choke out. “
You really just mooned me, you know.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Well, considering we’ve seen each other go to the bathroom before and were forced to take showers together, this doesn’t seem so bad.”

I have nothing to reply to that. It’s true; our boundaries are all screwed up. When she sits back down I lean in and kiss her temple. We don’t bring up the accident anymore except when we are in therapy. We both know that they are out there somewhere hiding, possibly coming for us. The unfortunate thing about having a unique name is it is easier to find that person.

The first day we were taken, Aubrey told them her full name and that she is from St. Louis. They only knew my first name then, but they looked through my wallet later that night. My parent’
s address is still on it, but it isn’t hard to find me. I’m on the university’s baseball website. You Google my name and my Facebook and all my stats from previous years pop up first thing.

I feel like I worry for nothing, it has to be impossible to cross the border when you are a criminal, right?

“I think I’m getting better,” Aubrey states optimistically. “Yesterday I went to the grocery store and was able to do all my shopping without freaking out
on anybody. I even walked down the aisle with the macaroni and cheese.” She is smiling, which warms me from the inside out.

“Fabulous!” Liz exclaims. “Now how did your weekly goals go?” She turns her head back and forth to look at each of us. Today she is wearing a deep purple button up shirt with a black shirt underneath, and khaki pleated pants. “Aubrey, why don’t you go first?”

“Okay. Well, I
sort of
achieved it. I couldn’t call her, so I sent her a text message.”

“Baby steps, sweetheart. That’
s good, really good. Now that you did that, I want your goal for next week to be to call her, and actually talk to her.” What Liz doesn’t know is it took Aubrey almost an hour to type out that text for MJ and finally hit send. When MJ sent one back, she didn’t respond.

The first week Liz asked us to set weekly goals, it kind of worked so she has been making us do one each week ever since. I managed to sleep a whole night without waking up, so did Aubrey. That was the best night. We both woke up smiling. The next week
Aubrey bought macaroni and cheese from the union on campus. Granted, it looked and tasted nothing like the boxed, but Liz just said ‘baby steps’ then and congratulated her.

“And you, Kellan?” Liz looks at me expectantly.

I let out a huge breath. My goal was lofty, and extremely excruciating. “I called him.”

“And how did it go?”

I see Aubrey beside me chewing on the inside of her cheek and fidgeting with her hands. She knows how the story about my father goes. “Well, when I called he was in a business meeting and hung up on me. But he called me back later and when I told him I wanted to talk about the accident, he blew up at me. He told me that I should have handled it differently and that I failed Aubrey.” I glance at her and back at my feet.

“Kellan, you didn’t fail her. You got her out, like you promised. Sure, some shit happened between, but you still did it.” That is the first time Liz cursed in front of us, and I hear Aubrey stifle a giggle. “
Everybody, including your father, is extremely proud of you and how you handled everything. Not many peoplewould have made it. Your father just has a weird way of showing it. He is hurting, too. He could have lost his son. He just doesn’t know how to manage his emotions, Kellan.”

I just nod. I can’t agree with her but I won’t disagree with her just for an argument.

“Do you have a new goal?” She asks me.

“Yeah.” But when I don’t tell her, she raises her eyebrows.
I frown and point to Aubrey with my eyes. She gets the hint, thank God.

“Actually, let’s
split up for this one. Aubrey, could you go into the hall for a few moments? I will come get you when we’re done in here.” Aubrey nods and exits the room, the door clicking faintly behind her. “Okay, Kellan. Shoot.”

“I’m not really sure if this is a good goal or not, or if it even matters. But, I want to figure out what’s going on between Aubrey and me. We’re in this, middle ground, and both of us are afraid to take the step. We started to talk about it a couple weeks ago, and I said I thought we should just stay the way we were. But, we haven’t been the same since and it’s bugging me.” I let in a deep breath after spilling out everything.

Liz just sits there and stares at me for a moment. “You know, Kellan, I don’t really specialize in relationship therapy. I do think that your relationship with Aubrey and the accident are correlated, and if you two figure out whatever needs to be figured out, then I think it is a step in the right direction for what we are trying to accomplish here.” She gives me a weak smile. “So your goal is to make a decision on your relationship? Is that what you were trying to say?”

“Kind of. I guess I just want to know where we both stand.”

“And where do
you
stand?” She is prodding and I’m not sure I like it, though I started it.

“I have no idea,” I answer truthfully. “I want her, badly, but at the same time I know I’m not good enough for her. I constantly go back and forth and it’s fucking exhausting.
Valentine’s Day was a couple days ago and we didn’t do anything, but I wanted to.”

Valentine’s Day was bullshit.
Corey called her and tried to get back with her… again, but she turned him down… again. She called me after and complained. I was at a floral shop, considering getting her flowers. When she said ‘Valentine’s Day is a bunch of crap and I hate it’ I dropped the bouquet back into the water bucket and left the shop.

Liz’s smile widens and for the first time I notice a small gap in between her front teeth. “Then that is your goal for the week. To make up your mind. This might s
ound callous, but don’t put her feelings into consideration. Just, be selfish when you are thinking about it, and get back to me next week and we can go from there. Got it?”

Liz lets Aubrey back in and without a hiccup Liz begins a new topic. But I can’t get my mind off of everything we discussed. I hate how confusing everything is. How
My hands are sweating and I run them down the sides of my jeans and watch Aubrey brazenly while she explains her grocery store experience.

The next day I have to leave for a three-day series away in South Carolina. The first time we had away games and I left Aubrey, she called me sobbing one night. I crept into the bathroom of my hotel room and talked with her about the game and what she did those past two days until she was calm. When I ended the call, the time on my phone said we talked for over an hour. I crawled back into bed and listened to my teammate in the bed next to mine snore.

This time she doesn’t call me at all, and
I really wish she did because I had a big nightmare without her. This time, instead of being a flashback, it’s about them finding us and killing us in Aubrey’s house. When I get back into town I call her immediately. She doesn’t answer so I head to my apartment and unpack my bag. The nightmare is eating away at me, and if she doesn’t call me soon I am going to freak out. She doesn’t return my call until a few hours after, well after dinner.

“Hey, how was it?” She asks. “Did you have time to check out the beach?”
the sound of her voice calms me, and the nightmare from the night before is long forgotten. She’s safe, I’m safe, and those animals are nowhere near us.

“No, we were stuck in the hotel the whole time when not at the field. We beat all three teams, though. Got first place,” I say, trying not to sound too proud because my double in the ninth caused the RBI that won it.

“That’s amazing! Have you had dinner yet?”

“Well, I munched on whatever stale snacks I had in the cupboard and stole a couple string cheese sticks from Josh. Does that constitute a meal?”

She giggles into the phone which makes me grin. “No, it sure doesn’t. I am makingspaghetti; you can come over if you want.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice, I’ll be there in a few.”

When I walk into her place I can smell the food immediately. My stomach growls in response and when I make my way into the kitchen, I see Aubrey dancing around with a wooden spoon in her hand and using it as a microphone. The radio is blaring in the corner and her homework is splattered all over the counter and kitchen table.

I sneak up behind her and she still doesn’t see me so I quickly wrap my arms around her waist and she shrieks and starts thrashing. “Get off me!” She yells and whacks me in the head with the spoon. I let her go and she turns, ready to strike again. The fear in her eyes is evident and a tear is already trickling down one of her cheeks. When she finally notices it’s me, she places a hand to her stomach and sighs.

“Jesus, Kellan, you scared me. Don’t do that!”

“Shit, I’m sorry.” I forgot all about the accident for a moment. We were doing really well with the anxiety so it kind of slipped my mind. I rub the part of my forehead that she hit and wince. Bruising is inevitable. She got me good. “Remind me not to do that when you’re using a knife.”

“Well, you deserve it.” She pouts and returns to the stove to continue stirring the noodles in the pot. “It will be ready in a couple of minutes, can you grab the plates and stuff?”

The two of us move around the kitchen together flawlessly and I can’t help but wonder if moments like this are what normal couples do and enjoy. I can pinpoint her next move and plan mine accordingly, and we flow together without fault. I realize that I like it.

After dinner we stay in and watch a movie. I am barely concentrating on the TV though because I am too enamored with the way Aubrey laughs and smiles at the funny parts. I want to kiss her. I haven’t since that day a couple weeks ago when Corey called her. We’ve been polite and friendly to each other since, but nothing more. I hate it. I am starting to see just how important Aubrey is to me. I still have a couple days left before the session with Liz, but I already know.

I want her.

I know I can be good for her. I want to be good for her. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it. So now that I accomplished my weekly goal, I have to sit and wait until I can talk to Liz so she can tell me where to go from here. I can’t believe I am actually falling for this psychiatry bullshit. But considering Aubrey and I have been going for about a month and we’ve changed so much. There is still a lot more to fix but we are making great progress.