The Berenstain Bears Chapter Book: The G-Rex Bones (8 page)

Several scientists took hold of their colleague’s arms as Actual Factual strode to meet him. “Rex Giant!” he said.
“Gigantosaurus rex
, Rex Giant. Very funny, Zoltan.”

The audience gasped as the professor reached up and ripped off the bear’s beard and mustache. Of course, they came off easily because they were as phony as he was.

Actual Factual smiled. “Dr. Bearish, I presume! I didn’t recognize you without your silly hat and ugly coat.”

Dr. Zoltan Bearish glared back at Actual Factual, his penetrating gaze boring into the professor’s mind like an electric drill. Quickly, Actual Factual turned away to address the crowd.

“This is the brilliant chemist who worked for me at the Bearsonian five years ago,” he said. “He spent more time on his own private experiments than on the work I gave him. And his carelessness ruined one of my most important experiments. So I fired him. Obviously, he planned this hoax to get revenge.”

All of a sudden, Sandcrab Jones was on his knees before Actual Factual, pleading with the professor. “Please!” he wailed. “Don’t send me to jail! I confess to everything! Ralph Ripoff paid me to ‘discover’ those phony bones at Dead Bear’s Gulch. I needed the money to fix my shack because that lousy termite insurance Ralph sold me wouldn’t pay!”

“He’s lying!” cried Ralph as Officer Marguerite put him in an armlock. “The old coot’s feeble-minded! He doesn’t know what he’s saying!”

“It’s true!” said Sandcrab. “Ralph paid me thirty dollars!”

“Thirty dollars?” shouted Dr. Bearish. “Why, you swindler, Ripoff! You told me you paid him
two hundred
dollars!”

“
You’re
calling
me
a swindler?” cried Ralph.

“Enough quarreling!” said Actual Factual. “You three can settle your scores in prison! Arrest them all, Chief!”

But instead of arresting anyone, Chief Bruno stepped forward and gently helped Sandcrab Jones to his feet. “Rest easy, old-timer,” he said. “Nobody’s going to prison. Let go of Ralph, Marguerite. And the rest of you unhand Dr. Bearish.”

“What?” cried Actual Factual. “Let them go? But this is the cruelest hoax in the history of Bear Country! It’s a clear case of
fraud!
”

Chief Bruno shook his head and said calmly, “What you mean, Professor, is that it’s a clear case of
almost
fraud.” He went to the signing table and held up the bill of sale. “Professor, you put your ‘Actual’ on the dotted line, but not your ‘Factual.’ That means
no sale
. No sale, no fraud. Thus, no crime. Bear Country has anti-fraud laws, but no anti-
almost
-fraud laws.”

The crowd began to grumble. Then there were boos and hisses. Clearly, they didn’t agree with Chief Bruno.

But Actual Factual signaled for quiet. “Now wait just a second, everyone,” he said. “The chief is right. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that.”

“But Uncle Actual,” said Ferdy, “you
are
a rocket scientist.”

“Oh, yes, I forgot,” said the professor. “What I mean is: the chief is obviously correct in his legal analysis of the situation. We’ll just have to be content that Ferdy uncovered the hoax through his powers of observation and his knowledge of the laws of physics.” He looked again at the towering
G-rex
skeleton and turned to his nephew. “You know, Ferdy, I’m a bit surprised that those flimsy bones are strong enough even to support their
own
weight …”

No sooner were the words out of the professor’s mouth than a spooky creaking sound echoed through the rotunda.

“Look out!” someone cried. “Head for the halls!”

But there was no time for anyone to get out of the rotunda. In a matter of seconds, the entire
G-rex
skeleton buckled, toppled in on itself, and came crashing to the floor. The rotunda was littered with the shattered pieces. A great cloud of bone dust filled the air.
Fake
bone dust, that is.

Fortunately, no one was injured. As everyone brushed the dust from their clothes, Actual Factual said into the microphone, “At this time, I would like to rename the exhibit. It is
Outrageous rex
: King of the Giant Hoaxes!”

Now the rotunda filled with laughter as well as fake bone dust.

And so ends the tale of the
G-rex
bones.
Fake G-rex
bones, that is. Actual Factual was almost sorry to see the debris from the shattered skeleton cleared away. Because that left the rotunda empty once more. Ferdy told him not to be discouraged, that someday he might find a
real G-rex
. But, of course, Actual Factual knew that that was impossible. For the
G-rex
was not just an imaginary creature. It was an
impossible
imaginary creature.

Actual Factual could only hope for the possible. So he hoped for the day when a complete
T-rex
skeleton would grace the rotunda in the Hall of Dinosaurs.

And to this day he is still looking for one. And still hoping.

Excerpt from The Berenstain Bears
®
and the Phenom in the Family

Chapter 1

The Rumor

“A rumor’s going around that there’s gonna be a special announcement before classes start today,” said Barry Bruin.

“It ain’t no rumor, it’s a fact,” said Too-Tall Grizzly. “And I know what the announcement’s about.”

The cubs were gathered in the schoolyard, waiting for the morning bell to ring. Barry was right: a rumor had indeed been going around about an announcement. But it had been started by Too-Tall himself. That way, once everyone was buzzing about the upcoming announcement, Too-Tall could step in and make his own dramatic announcement about the announcement. Nobody was sure how he found out about these things. Did he sneak around the school offices, listening in on conversations? Not likely. Did he have a ring of spies in the school administration? Even less likely. But somehow he always knew what was going to happen before it happened.

“So, tell us, Big Guy,” said Queenie McBear, poking her on-again, off-again boyfriend in the stomach, “what’s it about?”

“Swimming pool,” said Too-Tall matter-of-factly.

“A swimming pool?” said Queenie. “You mean here at school?”

Too-Tall nodded.

“They’re gonna build a swimming pool?” said Barry.

Too-Tall nodded again. “And you know what that means,” he said.

“Swimming classes!” said Brother Bear.

“Maybe even a swimming
team!”
added Sister Bear.

“Oh, my …,” said Ferdy Factual, putting a hand to his mouth. He looked worried.