The Audience (11 page)

Cameron
Thank you, Ma’am.

Elizabeth
We followed your progress in the papers. All seemed to go well … in Bonn. Or was it Bern?

Cameron
Basle. I think so.

Elizabeth
I seem to do nothing
but
welcome you back from European summits. How many have you been to now?

Cameron
Lost count.

Elizabeth
Me, too. So … where do you think we are
now
? In a nutshell?

Cameron
The will for the euro to survive is there, no question. And the core countries, France, Germany, are finally taking the steps they need to in terms of banking union and federalism. But I still don’t get a sense of a shared mission.

Unseen by Cameron the Queen has nodded off
….

Or ideology. Or anyone doing it because they actually
believe
in it in the way the previous generation of politicians did. It just feels like they’re all doing it solely to avoid calamity … Eurogeddon. It’s hard to understand why we British have been so resistant to Europe … historically.

Cameron notices the Queen is asleep
…

Mostly
… I’d say it’s because we’re an island, and not physically part of the continent. And that we have too vivid a memory of the war –

The Queen sits up at mention of this.

– and struggle with the languages. Not to mention the fact that we …

The Queen shakes herself awake.

Elizabeth
– tend not to like them very much.

Cameron
Quite. But don’t you think it might also be the fact that in
you
–

Elizabeth
Oh. My fault again …

Cameron
– we have a Head of State who has such strong emotional ties with the Commonwealth that it’s impossible for us ever, as subjects, to commit ourselves fully to any
other
union. That is, until you –

Elizabeth
Drop dead?

Cameron
No. No. No. (
Hesitates
.) Actually,
yes
… and it’s possible for our relationship with the Commonwealth to be redrawn.

Elizabeth
It’s true. I instinctively feel closer to Africans than Europeans. I was even called ‘The African Queen’. Kenneth Kaunda of Zambia, or Julius Nyerere of Tanzania, these were men one looked forward to seeing. One could do business with them. Do you feel the same way about Mrs Merkel? Or Monsieur Hollande? Do you
like
them?

Cameron
I don’t
hate
them.

Elizabeth
I suppose that’s an answer of sorts.

Cameron
She asked about the baby, yesterday. Chancellor Merkel. They all do.

Elizabeth
What baby? Oh,
the
baby? Yes, twenty weeks. We had a scan. You can see everything now. In 3D. Nails growing. Eyelashes. Very exciting. In my day, they’d just listen to one’s heartbeat, take one’s blood pressure and tell one to get on with it.

Cameron
Will Her Majesty share the secret with me?

Elizabeth
Of what?

Cameron
The gender.

Elizabeth
Certainly not. You’d only take it to the bookmakers to cash in!

Cameron
I hear the odds favour a little Princess.

Elizabeth
Absolute nonsense. Based on what? Makes no difference, anyway. Boy or girl, it’s still headed for the top job. One day. (
A beat
.) If this all still exists then.

The Queen tails off, then notices something.

Goodness … Are you wearing make-up?

Cameron
No.

She slowly walks over to scrutinise Cameron.

Elizabeth
Yes, you are! It’s come off your neck, on to your collar.

Cameron
Oh, that was from an interview this morning.

Elizabeth
They didn’t offer to take it off?

Cameron
They did, but there was no time.

Elizabeth
That’s the excuse Mr Blair used to give. By the end, I noticed, he wore it all the time. (
Shudders
.) Along with that grin.

A beat.

You’re a great admirer, aren’t you?

Cameron
Of Tony’s? Say what you like about him, he was jolly good at the game. Ran rings round us for years.

Elizabeth
My husband couldn’t stand him. Is that very indiscreet?

Cameron
Yes.

Elizabeth
(
covers her mouth ironically
) Ooops.

Cameron
How is His Highness?

Elizabeth
Better, thank you. Up on his feet and stalking. But no shooting himself – doctor’s orders. The recoil from the gun could dislodge the stent that’s keeping him alive.

Cameron
Oh.

Elizabeth
Yes. We’re both showing wear and tear now. But still hanging on.

A beat.

Just.

A beat.

A bit like your arrangement with the Liberal Democrats.

Cameron’s smile fades.

I think it was Disraeli who said the British don’t care for coalitions.

Cameron
Nor you, Ma’am.

Elizabeth
(
struggling to hear
) What’s that?

Cameron
(
louder
) Nor you, Ma’am?

Elizabeth
Did I say as much?

Cameron
Not in as many words.

Elizabeth
(
irritated
) Well, then.

Cameron
But one thing I think you’ll find all your Prime Ministers agree on – is you have a way of saying nothing yet making your view perfectly clear.

Elizabeth
I think I’d care for it more if I felt the people had
voted
for it. Had you formed your coalition first and gone to the country that would have been a different matter.

The Queen starts cleaning her glasses.

Cameron
You know, thinking about all your previous PMs just now, how many have there been?

Elizabeth
Twelve. The Dirty Dozen. I’m a record breaker. More even than Queen Victoria. Churchill, Eden, Macmillan, Douglas-Home, Wilson, Heath, Thatcher, Major, Blair, Brown … (
Indicates
.) Cameron.

The Queen hesitates.

I’ve forgotten one …

Cameron
No, I was counting. You got them all.

Voice
No, she didn’t.

A bespectacled, avuncular white-haired man in his late sixties walks on.

Callaghan
James Callaghan. Labour Prime Minister, 1976 to 79.

Crestfallen, Callaghan turns to the Queen.

How could you, Ma’am? You remembered Alec
Douglas-Home
? How long was he in Downing Street? A
year
?

Elizabeth
That’s different. He was a friend.

Callaghan
You remembered Ted Heath.

Elizabeth
Someone has to.

Callaghan
Was I really that forgettable?

Elizabeth
No, not at all …

Callaghan
In the time I was in office, we met almost seventy times.

Elizabeth
Yes.

Callaghan
You always said how much you enjoyed our sessions.

Elizabeth
I did. Very much.

Callaghan
I gave you a coffee pot!

Elizabeth
The coffee pot!

Callaghan
Audrey picked it out. ‘Sunny Jim’, you called me!

Elizabeth
Yes.

Callaghan
‘If we have to prove our Europeanism by accepting French as the dominant language then my position is clear.
Non merci beaucoup.
’ (
A beat.
) You always said how much you enjoyed that.

Elizabeth
I did. Very much.

Callaghan rolls his eyes, and exits. Cameron continues, unaware.

Cameron
An unbroken line. From Churchill to me. Extraordinary.

Elizabeth
And beyond. I’m not done yet. To be Queen of England is not a job or a shift you put in. It’s a duty consecrated by the grace of God. My working life
is
my natural life. They are indivisible … so I’m afraid you’re saddled with me until He takes me. Or the revolution. Whichever comes first.

Cameron
We aren’t much good at revolutions in this country.

Elizabeth
Don’t think that fact’s gone unappreciated in this house.

Cameron
Of the twelve, was there one … with whom the working relationship was … particularly fruitful?

Elizabeth
You mean did I have a favourite?

Cameron
I suppose that
is
what I’m asking.

Elizabeth
What a question! ‘Friendliness, not friendship’, Mr Cameron. That’s the principle. ‘The office not the individual’. Now, if there’s nothing else … we’ll see one another next week?

Cameron takes his cue. Gets to his feet.

Cameron
We will. Budget week.

Elizabeth
Should I be frightened? I’ve heard renewed rumours of that mansion tax.

The Queen gets to her feet with difficulty. Appears frail.

Cameron
Nothing to worry about. Unless you’ve put them all in the name of a company in one of your overseas territories.

Elizabeth
I’m afraid we don’t have many of those left.

Cameron smiles, bows, and goes. The Queen’s smile fades. But rather than follow him, she remains seated.
  
Her Equerry appears in the doorway.

Equerry
Staying, Ma’am?

Elizabeth
Yes. Not going anywhere. It’s what I do best, apparently. ‘The unbroken line,’ that’s what he called me. ‘The constant presence.’ ‘What was her achievement?’ the historians will ask. She lived long, showed up, cut ribbons, and knew when to keep her head down and her mouth shut. A postage stamp with a pulse. (
A beat
.) Have I, by the way?

Equerry
Have you what, Ma’am?

Elizabeth
Had a favourite Prime Minister?

The Equerry looks aghast.

Elizabeth
Don’t look like that. I know what gossips you lot are …