The Atonement (31 page)

“I know you’re close to your family and the
last thing I want to do is ruin your relationship with them. Maybe
we should sit on this news for a while, until they’ve gotten used
to the idea of us.”

“We’ve been dating for nearly a year already.
If they’re not used to us by now, they’re never going to be. I
think the sooner we tell them, the better. That way they don’t
think we’re rushing into things.”

“They’re going to think we’re rushing
regardless. I still feel that we should wait to tell them. I’m not
talking months, but just a few weeks. We could make it a
Thanksgiving surprise.”

“Oh, I get it. That’s actually a great idea.
When we go around the table and talk about what we’re grateful for,
I can tell everyone about how grateful I am that you said yes.”

“And I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed under
the table when you do.”

“Let’s not be pessimistic. I know everyone
will groan and moan for a while, but I have no doubt that everyone
will be on board by the time June rolls around. Now I’m going to be
in a tough straight because I have to choose a best man and I got a
three-way tie going on. Maybe I’ll just have three best men, if
that’s okay with you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“
I’m talking about Jim, Tim,
and Davis.”

“
Jim? I thought you were
going to talk to him about moving to North Carolina.”

“
I said I would do that if
things didn’t work out for him here, which remains to be seen. At
any rate, he’s most definitely going to be in the
wedding.”

“
If he even wants to be in
it, given the funk that he’s currently in.”

“
I’m confident he
will.”

All of a sudden, Allen noticed that the song,
“Betcha By Golly Wow,” was playing. He remembered that this was the
same song that was playing when he and Callie danced at their
senior prom. It made Allen feel as if somehow this was meant to
be.

“
Sounds like our song is
playing. Would you like to dance?”

“
Of course.”

Allen and Callie allowed themselves to be
swept along with the sweet and simple melodies of the song and its
sentiments. For Allen, this evening marked the beginning of the
best days of his life. He could see their future in his mind’s eye.
They’d settle down for a couple of years while he went to law
school, then when he got a better job, they’d add onto their
family. Allen could see all the holidays they’d spend together and
all of their special moments as a family. There was no reason to
doubt that he and Callie would last a lifetime.

Twenty-Nine

“Lord, it’s me again. I know you’re probably
tired of hearing from me, but I can’t help it. You’re the only one
that can help me. I’m sorry about the things I’ve said about You in
the past, and I’m sorry for not keeping my faith and trusting you
when Mama died. It’s just that losing her hurt so much, and I
didn’t understand then like I do now. Look, I know I should just be
grateful that I’m alive right now. You could have cut me off and
sent me to hell, but You had mercy on me. I don’t have the right to
ask You for anything else, but…I need you. Please, help me. My life
is a mess and I know it’s my fault. I made a lot of stupid mistakes
and I know I’ve got a lot to pay for. But I don’t want the people
that I love to have to suffer because of what I’ve done. Show me
what I need to do to fix things. I’ll do whatever you want me to,
just show me…”

Jim had managed to sit himself on one of the
carpeted steps at the altar where he was praying. He had come to
the church early with Pastor Bynum who was up in the office with
the other clergy and ministerial staff preparing for today’s
service. Jim wanted some time in the church when it was empty and
quiet because he was hoping he would be able to hear the voice of
the Lord speak to him about his situation.

The secrets he was keeping
locked away inside him were making a hole in his spirit that was
causing him unbearable pain. All Jim could think about was what he
had done. His guilt had become a demon that tormented him daily.
Every time he tried to feel good about something, his guilt would
rob him of his joy. It wasn’t simply the wrong that he had done
that bothered him, but the fear of what would happen when
everything became known. He couldn’t help but think back to what
Riley had said to him at Leo’s that afternoon: ‘There’s nothing hid
that won’t be made known.’
¹
Riley had already figured out
a lot, and there was no doubt in his mind that she had begun to
entertain the idea that he had some connection to Darius. How long
would it be before the others started making the same connections?
What would they think if they found out? Then he thought about how
the longer he kept this secret the worse the outcome would be. What
would he do if an angry Darius confronted him eighteen years from
now about what he’d done? What could he say? The possible answers
to these questions filled him with anxiety. But this was the
beginning of his problems.

To make matters worse, ever since he’d
stopped taking cocaine cold turkey, Jim felt as if a cloud of
depression were hanging over him. He had been praying to help him
combat it, but not getting an answer made him feel even worse.
Sometimes, in his desperate search for an answer to his depression,
his mind would wander back to that magic powder called cocaine.
There was a small part of him that felt if he could have just one
little hit every once in awhile until he could feel better on his
own, he’d be all right. Jim knew how dangerous going back to his
habit was and when that part of him began to stoke his urge, he
would fight against it. But lately that little part of him had been
growing.

Jim still had not signed up for the
counseling services at the church. He had begun to entertain the
idea after Riley had suggested it during their lunch at Leo’s. He
even called down to the church office to get information about it,
but when he found out Davis was one of the counselors, he balked.
He didn’t want anyone from his set to know about the extent of his
addiction, even if the information would be treated confidentially.
“Besides, if God can’t help me, counseling sure can’t,” he thought
to himself. So he sat at the altar waiting for the Lord to move and
felt more despondent with every moment that He didn’t. After a few
moments, he heard footsteps coming from the stairs leading to the
prayer room. When he looked up he saw one of the last people he
wanted to see coming down.

“Praise the Lord, brother,” said Davis upon
seeing him.

“Praise the Lord, man.”

Part of Jim’s reservation toward Davis
stemmed from the fact that he didn’t know him very well and his
first impressions of him had been clouded by jealousy. Davis seemed
like a nice guy, and under different circumstances, they might have
become best friends. At present, Davis’s presence made him feel a
bit self-conscious and Jim hoped he was only passing through to
somewhere else and would leave him alone.

“I’m not interrupting nothin’, am I?”

“Nah, man. I done said my piece. Sometimes I
just like to sit and listen – ya know?” said Jim hoping Davis would
take the hint. Instead, Davis sat down next to him at the
altar.

“You just got to trust Him.”

“Now that’s the hardest part.”

“I’m not gonna lie, you
right about that. But it’s the only choice we have. It’s like Job
said, ‘though he slay me, yet will I trust
him…’”
²

“Davis, you were in the life, right?” asked
Jim. It had just occurred to him that he and Davis had something in
common.

“Yeah.”

“You ever done anything during that time of
your life that you regret? Something you thought no one would
forgive you for?”

“That would be just about everything. There’s
no way to come through that without getting hurt or hurting someone
else. Every day is nothin’ but senseless violence. Sometimes I get
a little depressed thinking about all the things I did back
then.”

“How did you learn to move on from that?”

“First off, I know a lot of the things I did
was because I didn’t know any better. For a long time I thought the
way I was livin’ was normal – like that’s how it was suppost to be.
If I had known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have done
most of the stuff I did. I definitely wouldn’t have gotten into a
gang – period.”

“But there had to be things you knew were
wrong.”

“Yeah. There were things that I knew was
wrong, but I did it anyway. I try to do like the Lord says – ya
know? I had to humble myself, cop to what I did, and ask people for
forgiveness. Some people forgave me, but some haven’t and I can’t
fault them for that. I can’t bring dead people back to life and I
can’t heal the scars I put on people’s hearts. It’s real easy to
mess things up, but you can’t always fix things.”

“That’s the problem. It’s all the things you
can’t fix. It’s like a burden you have to live with the rest of
your life. I mean I know God forgives our sins and everything, but
when there are things that constantly remind you of how you messed
up…it’s like you just can’t get past your past.”

“True that, but the way I see it is you have
to repent, deal with it, accept the consequences, and then trust
God to handle the rest. That’s the only way to get past the guilt.
I’ve been going through some things because of some issues I hadn’t
really dealt with, and that’s what’s been helping me.

“I’d be afraid of what God might allow to
happen.”

“Sometimes you just gotta man up and go
through. I’m not gonna say it’s easy or it’s not gonna cost you
nothin’ cause just recently I realized there are some things I
gotta give up on. You just gotta trust that in the end God will
work things out.”

“Maybe you’re right, man.”

There was something about Davis’s words that
resonated with him. It almost seemed like God was speaking to him
through Davis. Just like what happened with Way-lo that day at the
McDonalds. Jim knew what he had to do, but he was afraid. The
prospect of his family’s hurt and disappointment filled him with
unbearable shame. The thought of losing everyone he loved and being
alone again was terrifying. “If only there were some way that they
could find out without me having to actually deliver the blow
personally,” he thought. But that would make him look worse in
their eyes. Not only would they feel betrayed, they would also
think he purposefully deceived them.

After a while, the ushers and ministerial
staff began to come downstairs and take their places to greet the
host of congregants who were waiting outside to be let in. Davis
went downstairs to the choir room to rehearse with the other
members and Jim went to the pew where he and his family usually
sat. While he waited for them to arrive, he decided to read his
Bible. He decided to pick up where he left off in the book of
Matthew:

“Watch and pray, that ye
enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the
flesh is weak. He went away again the second time, and prayed,
saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except
I drink it, thy will be done”
³

The passage summed up how Jim felt. He didn’t
want to have to go through with what he knew he had to do, even
though he had just told God that he would do anything. At the same
time, he knew it was best to resign his fate to the will of the
Father, just as Christ did. In the end Christ drank the bitter cup.
He suffered unto death for sins he didn’t even commit to save
people like Jim. The least Jim could do was suffer for something he
actually had done. Still, there was a fear that tugged at his
heart. Jim wanted to do the right thing, but he needed the strength
and the faith to go through with it.

Thirty

Allyson walked through the doors of the
church expecting to see Allen, but was greeted by another usher, an
older gentleman, who simply flashed a warm smile her way before
handing her a program. She felt more at ease this time, now that
she knew what to expect, and she thought she was better dressed for
the part thanks to the salary her mother was paying her for her
investigative skills. Allyson was certain her black and camel
colored Italian merino crew-neck sweater dress that came to the
knee, and her beige cloche hat and trench coat were well in keeping
with what many of the other female parishioners would be wearing
and help her to blend seamlessly into the aesthetics of the church
environment. Allyson stood for a moment and looked over the
sanctuary thinking about where would be a good place to sit.

“I was hoping you’d show,” said a voice
coming from nearby.

Allyson turned around to see where it was
coming from. She thought she recognized the voice. It was none
other than, Tim. He looked as if he was glad to see her. Allyson
hoped he wasn’t getting any funny ideas. She couldn’t help being
related to him, but there was no way they were going to be friends
again – ever.

“I have a job to do.”

“Of course. Would you like me to escort you
to where we’re sitting?”

“That won’t be necessary. I’d rather sit in
the back.”

“Are you sure? I thought you’d want a front
row seat to record your observations.”

“I saw enough of that last week, thank you
very much. And frankly, you’re enough of an embarrassment under
normal circumstances. I certainly don’t want to be anywhere near
you when you’re in some sort of praise mode like you were the last
time I was here. Anyway, I find the saner people of this church
tend to occupy the back rows.”