The Atonement (28 page)

When he came in with Riley, Jim felt like a
teenager all over again. Seeing the little tables with the red,
white and blue plaid tablecloths, the black metal chairs, and the
marble counter with the case of zeppolos, beef patties, and garlic
knots on display brought back fond memories. In the midst of it all
was Leo, his son Brian and his nephew Tony, Jr. who worked with him
to service the customers. Leo was a short fair-skinned brother with
a thick build, whose age could only be told by the gray that was
starting to come in around the edges of his curly jet-black
hair.

“Hey, Jimmy!” said Leo as he entered the
restaurant “What happened to you?” The man was genuinely alarmed
when he noticed Jim’s condition.

“It’s okay, Leo. I’m alright. Just a few
broken bones. Not a big deal.”

“You was in an accident or somethin’? I know
I hadn’t seen you in a long time, but…man.”

“Don’t worry about this, man. I’m good.”

“I’m sure you are, cause you got this
beautiful doll right here lookin’ after you,” said Leo smiling at
Riley. “I bet you think I don’t remember you. You the cousin,
right? Rhonda is it?”

“It’s Riley.”

“I knew it started with an ‘R’. How’s thing’s
down south?”

“Everyone’s fine. Thank you.”

“Now what can I do for you two today?”

“We’ll have two jumbo slices: one plain, one
pepperoni. And two medium colas.”

“Comin’ right up, son.”

As Leo prepared their order, Riley pushed him
over to a table by the window and sat opposite him.

“Now aren’t you glad you came out?”

“Sort of,” said Jim.

“Still thinkin’ ‘bout what you gonna do with
yourself?”

“I’ve been praying, but He’s not
answering.”

“Just give it some time.”

“I’m running out of time. My first week is
almost up and I’ve got one week left. Thing is I need a job and I
don’t see any opportunities in any of the fields I’m cut out
for.”

“But you went to college. Ain’t that ‘sposed
to give you some kind of advantage?”

“In theory, but when you live in a city that
has very few job openings and a glut of college graduates, it kinda
undercuts any advantage I may have had. You see where Allen’s
workin’ don’t you?”

“So? You gotta start somewhere. Besides, I’m
sure if you ask Allen or Tamiko or one of the others, they’ll help
you find a job.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“You gotta be positive, Jim. You could’ve
been dead right now, but thankfully that wasn’t in His plan. He’s
keeping you for a reason, and I don’t think it’s to sit around and
mope all the time.”

“I’m not moping.”

“Yes you are, and it’s worrying me a little
bit, ‘cause this is not the Jim I know. I feel like something’s
eating you and it’s more than not being able to find a job.”

Jim froze. He couldn’t look at her, nor did
he know what to say. He was thankful when Leo interrupted them to
bring their order to the table.

“Here you go: two big jumbo slices. Let me
guess, you’re the pepperoni?” he said to Jim as he put the trays on
the table.

“As always.”

“And here’s your drinks. Enjoy.”

They thanked him for the fast service, and
Jim started in on his slice so that he wouldn’t have to continue
their conversation. He thought that if he just ignored what she had
said she’d leave it alone. But neither of them had gotten halfway
through their slices before Riley took up the topic again.

“Why’d you cut everybody off, Jim?”

“I was going through some stuff. Everybody
was going gung-ho with the Lord, and at the time I couldn’t see why
He was so great. I couldn’t get into that, but now…”

“So what did you decide to get into? The
game?” she said lowering her voice so no one around them would
hear.

Jim felt his stomach knot-up at the mention
of it. ‘How could she know?’ he thought to himself. He couldn’t say
anything.

“Let’s keep this on the level,” she said.
“Everybody knows you was on that stuff. You obviously didn’t have a
job, and you had to have some way of paying for it.”

“How do you know when I lost my job? It could
have been last month for all you know.”

“Don’t play with me, Jim. You know I know
better than that. Nobody gets beaten and shot up over a $100.00
heroin debt. You don’t get marked unless there’s way more money
involved or unless you’re the one that’s way more involved.”

It was no use. Riley knew how to read the
situation. She wasn’t as sheltered as Allen or Tamiko and had been
experienced with what went down on the streets. There was no way to
spin this; he had to tell the truth – some of it, anyway.

“It’s not what you’re thinking. I wasn’t
planning on being in that life forever. I was on my way out when I
got hit.”

“Jim, what were you thinking? Did you forget
about what happened to your dad?”

“Look, I was desperate, aiight. I couldn’t
find a job and I had a whole lot of bills. I needed a way to stay
afloat until I could think of somethin’ legit.”

“You could have come to your family.”

“I didn’t realize that then…I wasn’t
thinking. Trust me, that part of my life is over.”

“Not if there are people out there who want
to finish what they started.”

“I know for a fact those guys are dead.”

“How would you know that? Unless you…”

“No! I didn’t…The guy I worked with thought I
was stealing from him. He was the one that was after me, but there
was another guy he had a beef with who shot him.”

“Still, how would you know this unless you
were still dealing with someone on the inside? Is it that Chris
guy?”

“What would make you think that?”

“Cause you know him. I saw the way he looked
at you at your welcome back party, and I know his story. Was he one
of your customers?”

“I guess you could say that. But that’s over
now. I don’t ever want to go back to that life again. I wound up
doing a lot of things I really regret” said Jim. He couldn’t tell
her about Angela or the two boys known as Rollo and Zee. It had
been hard enough for him to come to terms with the fact that he had
taken part in murder – even if it was technically in
self-defense.

“Is it those regrets that have been bothering
you?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s done is done Jim. God forgives you
for all that. I’m not holding it against you and I’m sure the rest
of the family wouldn’t either.”

“If you don’t mind I was hoping we could keep
this between ourselves.”

“The Bible says there’s
nothing hid that won’t be made known
¹
. You’re not going to be able
to hide it forever. If I was able to put two and two together, it
won’t be long before the others do, too.”

“They don’t need to know about this. It
doesn’t have anything to do with them.”

“If it affects you, then it’s going to affect
them.”

“I intend to come clean about everything when
the time comes. But if no one’s asking, I’m not telling. I think
I’ve put everyone through enough as it is.”

“You’re not still messing with that stuff are
you?”

“Do I look like I’m messing with it?” said
Jim who was more than a little annoyed by her question.

“That’s not an answer.”

“No. I’m not taking anything,” he said making
sure to look her straight in the eye.

“Are you gonna get some counseling or
something? Maybe you should ask that Chris fella about what he’s
involved in at the church.”

“I’m thinking about it,” said Jim, although
he felt he didn’t need any counseling services. He’d been doing
fine so far on his own.

“And there’s nothing else that’s bothering
you?”

“What I’ve told you isn’t enough?”

“I don’t mean to give you a hard time, Jim. I
care about you. If you’re going to move forward you have to be able
to let the past go and the only way to do that is to deal with it.
Hiding, pretending and half-lying is only gonna weigh you
down.”

“I’m being straight with you.”

“So there’s nothing between you and that
Callie girl that I need to know about?”

Jim felt the hairs on his neck stand up. It
seemed like Riley had suspicions. He had to remember to keep
cool.

“I told you Callie’s a friend,” he said doing
his best to seem casual.

“Didn’t seem like it at the barbecue. You
hugged her like she had Ebola and you didn’t have two words to say
to her the whole afternoon. Same thing at dinner last Sunday. Big
change from the last time I was here.”

“I told you before, I’m not very happy about
how she’s using Al to help her take care of her child, that’s all.
It’s not fair to him with all that he’s trying to do.”

“So why not take her aside and straighten her
out instead of avoid her?”

“Al’s crazy about her. I don’t want to mess
things up for him. He deserves to have some happiness and if that
means I have to keep my mouth shut, so be it.”

“Who’s to say that she’ll make him happy? He
doesn’t look it right now.”

“Who’s to say what can happen in the future?
Didn’t you just tell me to be positive? They could work out after
all.”

“Do you really think the father of her child
is dead? It sounds just a little too convenient if you ask me.”

“And nobody’s asking you,” he blurted
defensively. Riley’s eyes seemed to widen with a sudden awareness
that put Jim on edge. She fixed her interrogative gaze on his face
as she leaned forward towards him and folded her arms on the
table.

“Looks like I’ve touched a nerve.”

“That’s because Al’s my boy and I’m not going
to let anybody start stirring up crap in his backyard. Not even his
cousin.”

“All I did was ask about this baby’s
biological father. If Allen knows it’s not him, and the guy is
supposedly dead, why would that be such a big deal?” she said
narrowing her eyes at him.

“Exactly. It shouldn’t matter who that kid’s
dad is, so why even bring it up,” said Jim summoning his
confidence. “Al loves that kid like he’s his own. If Al’s willing
to step into the void and be a dad, who are we to say that he
shouldn’t? After all, that kid needs a dad. Why mess that up for
either of them?”

“You and I both know that Al is too young to
be anybody’s father! He can barely take care of himself! He still
lives at home and he just started school again for crying out
loud.”

“He’s also a grown man capable of making his
own decisions. Even if we don’t agree with them, we still have to
give him respect.”

Riley was backing down. His passionate
defense seemed to relieve her of her suspicions, for now.

“I respect his decision, but that doesn’t
mean I can’t be concerned about what’s he’s doing. Especially about
what could happen to that little boy.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that Allen seems
to think he can pretend to be this child’s biological father. One
day somebody’s going to have to sit Darius down and tell him the
truth. That child is going to have to know who his real father is,
dead or not. If they let him find out on his own, he’s going to be
one angry person with a lot of issues.”

“What makes you so certain of that?”

“Because my brother Wilson had the same
issues. His mother died when he was a baby. Then daddy married my
mom a couple of years later thinking she could be his mom, too. But
soon he was asking them those hard questions, and daddy tried to
avoid them by changing the subject or telling him to shush because
he didn’t think Wils could handle it. Next thing you know, Wils
started acting out by picking on me and Bennett, getting into
trouble at school and such. So daddy just decided to tell him the
truth about everything: told him about how his momma died of heart
failure, gave him pictures of her and the letter she wrote to him
before she died, told him stories about her, took him to visit her
grave and all that. Not long after that Wils stopped acting out. He
was more at peace with himself cause that part of him that was
missing was filled in a little bit.”

“But Wilson was already four years old when
you’re dad married your mom. He already knew she wasn’t his
mother.”

“That’s right. If he knew and it was having
that affect on him, how do you think this little boy’s going to
feel after so many years when he learns that Allen is not his
biological father? How do you think he would feel if he knew his
parents deliberately lied to him all that time?”

“I wonder how he would feel if he had to find
out his real father was nothin’ but some bum who couldn’t do
anything for him any way.”

“How would you know that?”

Riley was becoming suspicious again. Jim had
to think fast.

“Allen told me he heard from Callie that the
guy died from a drug overdose.”

“You know my mother was practically the whore
of Babylon and a drunk to boot, but I’m glad I know who she is. Now
that doesn’t mean I love Mama Shirley any less, but it’s important
to know. I guess it gives you a kind of closure to know where you
come from.”

“I guess I never thought about it that
way.”

“Because it’s never been an issue for you,
but in my patchwork family we had to make sure to keep everything
and everybody straight.”

“Right. Anyway, I’m tired. How ‘bout we get
this wrapped up to take home.”

“Alright. I’ll do that.”

Riley took their leftovers to the counter to
be bagged and paid the bill leaving, Jim to reflect on their
conversation. He had never considered how keeping his secret about
Darius’s paternity could actually harm his child. The last thing he
wanted to do was to cause Darius any kind of psychological trauma
that could negatively impact his life. Now Jim was in a real bind.
It seemed like he was cursed if he told his secret and cursed if he
kept it. The landmine he had been harboring was becoming more and
more volatile. He had to find a way to defuse it or it would
destroy the people he cared about.