The Adventurer (17 page)

The emotional cost was another matter.

After blinking away the image of Tommy Murdock’s grinning face, Devon wiped his palms on his thighs and strained to lighten the tone. ” “The experience may not have been a pleasant one but there were some positive results. After Dad sent my aunt packing and hired Gunda, I learned what real food was supposed to taste like. ” Evidently Jessica wasn’t fooled by the jocular resonse. “I suspect you learned a lot more than that. You couldn’t have come through something that traumatic without being deeply affected. “

Devon dropped all pretense. “

“It changed my life, ” he said simply.

Jessica gave his wrist a reassuring squeeze. “Tell me what happened. “

“IYS not a pretty story. “

“Please. I want to know. “

“All right. ” He took a deep breath and started to speak in a voice that hardly shook at all. Over the next half hour, he spoke of the Brotherhood, bonds of friendship that would last a lifetime. But he didn’t talk about Tommy Murdock, partly because the memory was too painful and partly because he couldn’t face the shame of revealing how his own flawed judgement and cowardice had ultimately contributed to the tragedy. For her part, Jessica was deeply moved by the poignant depiction of enduring friendship and appalled at the portrayal of how the facility’s paramilitary discipline, corrupted by absolute power, had escalated into sadistic acts of cruelty and gestapo tactics inflicted under the guise of authoritarian control. When Devon calmly described the punitive process of forcing youngsters to stand at attention for hours on end, she couldn’t suppress her outrage.

“That’s criminal! How could they get away with such a terrible thing? “

“Twenty years ago the line between child abuse and discipline wasn’t as well-defined as it is now. And if a kid keeled over from heat exhaustion, the complaint was swept under the rug. ” “But there must have been dozens of complaints. They couldn’t all be ignored. ” “No one was going to take the word of a few juvenile delinquents over a respected pillar of the community with a pocketful of credentials. ” Devon’s philosophical attitude suddenly faded. ” Besides, these people were masters of mind control. They knew how to instill terror without leaving marks. At least, none that were visible. ” The bitterness in his voice sent a fris son of fear down her spine. “How did they do that? “

He gazed across the room, eyes clouded, lips stretched into a hard line.

“Isolation”

The succinct reply took her by surprise. “That’s all? “

“It was enough. ” His chest expanded, then shuddered as he exhaled all at once. “The administrative offices were originally designed with a fireproof file vault, kind of a concrete closet, four foot square, without light, ventilation or heat. I doubt the facility’s founding fathers could have foreseen the innovative use to which it was eventually put. ” ‘ Devon spoke softly, methodically, his glazed gaze focused somewhere in the past as he described the agonizing muscle cramps, the numbing cold, the smothering blackness where a dwindling oxygen supply soon turned each tortuous breath into a desperate gasp for life-giving air. Jessica covered her mouth, unwilling to believe what she was hearing yet knowing without doubt that it was true. What Devon was describing was his own experience as a terrified child who’d been tortured like a prisoner of war. She swallowed a nauseous surge, overwhelmed by the horror of what he’d endured. All she could do was whisper “Dear God” over and over until her throat clogged with emotion and her vision was blurred by tears. She wiped her wet eyes with the back of her hand, biting her lip as she studied Devon’s ashen face. He was lost somewhere in time, his eyes glazed with past terror, his colorless lips stretched into a rigid grimace. She’d seen that haunted expression once before-when he’d been pulled out of the mine shaft. He’d mentioned then that he wasn’t fond of cramped, dark places. Now she knew why.

Gently framing his face with her hands, she urged him to look at her.

“Oh, Lord, ” she murmured. “After all you’ve endured, how could you have forced yourself down into that horrible pit? “

His curtained gaze focused slowly. “I couldn’t let Tommy die. “

“I thought his name was Larry. ” A perplexed expression crossed Devon’s face. He blinked twice, staring at Jessica as though she’d just materialized. “Yes, of course. His name was Larry. ” Jessica’s chest swelled with a thousand unfathomable emotions. Still caressing his dear face, she rested her fore head against his chin and fought to control her quivering voice. “When you volunteered for that rescue, I thought you were being a reckless show-off. I was angry with you. ” ‘ She took a shuddering breath and lifted her head to capture sqnned gaze. ” I’m ashamed of myself for having judged you unfairly. ” Devon seemed genuinely distressed by her words. “I am a reckless show-off.

It’s the only talent I have. “

“Thays not true. ” Her hands slid down to give his shoulders an insistent shake. “You’re the most courageous man I’ve ever known. ” At the word courageous Devon’s head snapped up. “Don’t say that. You don’t know-” He bit off the statement and turned away, refusing to look at her. After a moment he spoke again, more softly this time. “I’m not the man that you think I am. “

“You’re the finest, bravest-”

He covered his eyes, moaning and shaking his head. “Jessica, please…” The words dissipated like a vaporous cloud as he turned toward her. As he searched her eyes, his own gaze softened, becoming fluid and dusky. The dark sensuality in his eyes made her tremble. She moistened her lips, realizing that the hand that had been resting on the back of the sofa was now caressing her left shoulder. He grazed her silken sleeve with his knuckles, then slid his hand down her arm. After lingering at the sensitive curve of her elbow, his fingers moved smoothly up to where her wrist was resting against his collarbone. Still gazing deeply into her eyes, he traced erotic circles on the back of her hand. Each fiery touch sent a tiny spark coursing through her veins, charge after charge until her entire body quivered electric energy. Then he lifted her hand, reverently turning her palm upward as though exposing a precious gem. Jessica was paralyzed by a surge of intoxicating sensations and barely able to breathe as he slowly, tortuously, raised her hand to his lips. His gaze never wavered, never left her face as he explored her palm with his mouth, delicately tracing each fine line with the tip of his tongue. Jessica had never experienced anything so erotic, so intensely sexual, in her entire life. His fingertips glided downward, easing the satin cuff back to expose her throbbing pulse. His thumb grazed lazy circles on the tender flesh of her inner wrist. With each exotic revolution, her pulse beat faster and faster still, until her brain was spinning and her skin steaming from his heated touch.

“You are so beautiful, ” he murmured. “You take my breath away. “

She was too entranced to respond, too enraptured by his exquisite seduction. Her pulse pounded until her arm ached yet she was afraid to move for fear he would stop. But he didn’t stop. Instead, he replaced his thumb with his lips, kissing her wrist with an urgency that sent shock waves through her entire body. Devon made love to her wrist. caressing and tasting and nibbling, until Jessica was shaking like a windblown leaf. With a soft cry, she melted against him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him with a fervency beyond anything she’d ever known. The moment their lips met, something exploded, a liquid heat that radiated like lava from a place deep inside her. She moaned in surprise and ecstasy, parting her lips in a silent plea for even more intimacy It was a request instantly fulfilled. Devon’s control snapped. A groan of passion rumbled from deep in his throat. His hands were everywhere, exploring her face, her throat, memorizing the curve of her spine and testing the span of her small waist. A rush of air filled Jessica’s starving lungs and she realized that Devon’s mouth was now blazing a moist path down her throat. She arched backward, her finger clutching his shoulders like desperate talons. Each breath came as a ragged gasp. Odd whimpering sounds echoed around them. The noises were coming from Jessica but she was too frantic to care. All that mattered was this man, this moment. She couldn’t get enough of him. Visions flashed through her mind, arousing images of tangled bodies, naked and slick with passion.. Naked? The erotic fantasy faded. Still struggling for breath, she realized that she was pinned beneath Devon’s chest as he continued to kiss her throat with unyielding ardor. But something felt odd around her forehead. When her mind cleared, she was horrified. Not only had her wig slipped down to her eyebrows, Devon’s hand was creeping toward her padded breast. “Stop!” Jessica slapped his hand away, grabbed her head and bolted upright so quickly that Devon had to grab the granite table to keep from being tossed onto the floor.

He sat up, dazed. “

“What’s wrong? ” “Uh… nothing. ” She ducked away to straighten the skewed wig. “It’s getting late, that’s all. “

His bewildered expression cut her to the quick. “Have I upset you? “

Unable to look at him, she stood and made a production out of smoothing her clothes. “I didn’t expect this to happen Everything is moving too fast. ” From the corner of her eye she saw Devon stand and take a shaky step in her direction. “Jessica-” When he reached out, she skittered away and crossed her arms like a shield. His hand dropped limply to his side. “I didn’t expect this to happen either. This isn’t why I came here tonight.

I need for you to believe that. ” ‘

“I do. ” A hot mist seeped into her eyes. She would rather cut off an arm than to have caused the hurt she saw in his eyes. But she was confused, frightened by the depth of her feelings. If their relationship continued to spiral toward the ultimate intimacy, she’d have to reveal the truth about her illness and risk being rejected by the man who has come to mean so very much to her. “Please. I just need some space right now. “

He regarded her warily. “

“All right. ” She forced herself to look at him. It was a mistake. Her heart swelled with emotions that she dared not reveal, not even to herself. “This isn’t your fault, Devon. You haven’t done anything wrong. ” A brusque nod was his only response. He set his jaw and went to retrieve his jacket from the coatrack. After draping the torn Windbreaker over his shoulder, he grasped the doorknob and paused. “Maybe we could talk about this tomorrow night… over dinner. ” She clasped her hands together. “I’m sorry. I’ll be out of town this weekend. “

A muscle twitched below his ear. “Another time, then. “

“Yes, another time. “

Before she could beg him to stay, he opened the door and was gone.

Jessica stared at the vacant foyer, fighting tears and feeling empty. After several minutes, she sat at the kitchen table and anxiously considered her options.

There were only two-be truthful or continue to lie.

She winced at the harsh word. The fact was that she’d never considered keeping personal business to herself as a lie. An evasion, perhaps, but never a lie. Nor was Devon’s reaction to her scars the real crux of her dilemma. Of course she was nervous-who wouldn’t be? -but she was more apprehensive about her own emotional involvement, of actually needing Devon in her life. That was a line she’d already crossed. There was an emptiness inside her when he wasn’t around, a sense of being incomplete that quite frankly scared her spit less This wasn’t the right time for emotional commitment not for her and not for Devon. Jessica’s future was obscured by a prognosis that although optirqlistic, was far from assured, and Devon’s entire life was one of constant movement from one perilous locale to another. She knew he wasn’t a man who could ever settle happily into benign domesticity ; she also knew that she could never live with the constant fear and uncertainty of his dangerous profession. They were two diametrically opposed individuals, neither of whom could offer what the other needed. Intellectually Jessica understood that and realized that they had no real future together.

Unfortunately, it was a bit too late for such pragmatic revelations.

She’d already fallen in love with Devon. And that was the saddest irony of them all.

Chapter Nine.

Devon sat in the dark kitchen nursing his second glass of milk. It had been a long, lousy day and so far, an even longer, lousier night. He’d called Jessica twice, hoping to catch her before she left town-or perhaps hoping that she wasn’t really leaving at all. The story could have been an excuse to keep him away. If it had been, he couldn’t have blamed her, not after he’d dived on top of her with all the finesse of a bull in heat. Disgusted with himself, Devon swung his feet onto the table and leaned back until his chair was balanced on two legs. He raked his hair, trying to figure out what in hell had gotten into him last night. Even if be fancied himself a stud-which he didn’t-Jessica Newcomb was definitely not a woman to be conquered and abandoned. She was special, so damned special that he couldn’t even believe he’d gotten up the nerve to kiss her. Of course there’d been other kisses-on a moonlit beach and a chaste peck of relief when he’d been yanked out of the mine shaft. Each time the inside of his chest had quivered and a prickly rush had raised goose bumps along his spine. But last night had been different. Last night, he’d gazed into Jessica’s fluid eyes and seen the reflection of his own lonely soul. Last night, he’d seen forever. That was pretty scary stuff to a man who’d never bothered to contemplate a future beyond his next assignment.

“Hey!” A blinding light nearly knocked Devon off his chair.

Crandall stood in the doorway with his hand on the switch. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were in here. ” “I couldn’t sleep. ” Shading his eyes against the glare, Devon lowered his feet to the floor and watched his father shuffle toward the refrigerator. “I guess you couldn’t, either” “How can The tired? I’m not allowed to do anything. ” ‘ Exasperated, Crandall peered into the refrigerator. ” There’s nothing in here but rabbit food, ” he grumbled. ” Hell, I’m not even allowed to eat. ” “You’re on a low-fat diet, remember? Have a carrot stick. ” ‘ Crandall slammed the fridge door. “I don’t want a damn carrot stick. I want a steak dripping with fat and mashed potatoes smothered in thick brown gravy. “