The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (46 page)

The people with more aggressive temperaments will usually be more aggressive about love; conversely those who are more passive will desire it less. Our survey indicated that sanguine people are very responsive to lovemaking. Choleric men are “quick” lovers and may not satisfy their wives; choleric women fall into two categories: (1) those who learn orgasm early—they will often initiate lovemaking; (2) those who do not—they will develop a distaste for it. Melancholic people have a sensitive nature and can be good lovers, provided they don’t develop the deplorable habit of letting their perfectionistic tendencies cause them to make a mental “checklist” of duties that must be fulfilled before they parcel out their lovemaking favors.

It was particularly interesting to us to find that phlegmatic women registered a higher frequency of satisfaction than phlegmatic men; but this is probably because a phlegmatic wife is more inclined to go along with her husband’s desires.

Nevertheless, temperament is not the only factor that influences those responses. There are others—such as training, childhood experiences, and proper sexual understanding. However, in our opinion, the most important factor that produces happiness in a couple’s love life is not their temperaments but their ability to be unselfish toward each other. Selfishness is the enemy of love; unselfishness produces love.

Miscellaneous

Do people shower or clean up after sex?

This is a subject we failed to include in our survey. Dr. Miles, however, did ask this question, with these results: 58.8 percent got up immediately and washed; 41.2 percent enjoyed an endearing conversation for a few minutes. Sometimes couples fall asleep in each other’s arms. Usually the man can sleep all night without washing up, but, because of the drainage of seminal fluid, the wife usually cannot.

Do questions 27 and 28 of your survey referring to clitoral manipulation mean other than with the penis?

Yes, with the finger. This is a necessary part of the art of love. Almost all wives can experience an orgasm with proper clitoral stimulation.

Why does a woman use sex as a weapon?

Because it is usually the last “weapon” she has—but why do lovers need “weapons”? When a woman uses sex as a weapon, she is grasping at straws, and unfortunately it leads to sexual suicide. Evidently she feels insecure in her husband’s love. A man whose wife does this ought to respond in two ways: (1) talk to her lovingly and point out how it appears to him and (2) check his treatment of her—perhaps this dangerous practice is her frantic cry for help, and what she really needs is more love, tenderness, and consideration. Those attributes will automatically lead to a better relationship and more exciting lovemaking.

Is it ever wrong to resist a husband’s advances? Is it harmful if done nicely with an explanation?

All spouses at some time have to resist the advances of a partner because of tiredness, preoccupation, mood, or for other reasons. It should not be done often (1 Cor. 7:1–5) and should always be accompanied by a reason and an assurance of love so that the partner knows it is not a personal rejection, but a human limitation. This really should be no problem for two people who are so much in love that they are sensitive to each other’s needs and desires.

My husband always wants me to be the initiator and him the responder. How can I encourage him to take the lead in the marriage act?

Have a frank talk with him and explain your needs for his expression of love. Your temperaments may be the cause—he probably has a phlegmatic temperament and you are probably aggressive in most things. If so, accept it and do your best; look on it as a challenge to turn him on—you’ll both be winners!

How can the sexual relationship be a spiritual experience also?

Everything a Christ-controlled Christian does is spiritual. That includes eating, elimination, spanking children, or emptying the trash. Why isolate sex in marriage as if it were in a category all by itself? Many spiritual Christians pray before going to bed, then in a matter of minutes engage each other in foreplay, stimulation, coitus, and finally orgasm. Why isn’t that just as spiritual as anything else couples do? In fact, we believe the more truly spiritual they are, the more loving and affectionate they will be with each other and consequently the more frequently they will make love. Actually, coitus should be the ultimate expression of a rich spiritual experience that continues to enrich the couple’s relationship.

Notes

1
. David Reuben,
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex
(New York: David McKay, 1969), 141.

2
. Ibid., 127.

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Acknowledgments

We are indebted to a large number of people in the preparation of this book, including the hundreds of counselees who freely shared their problems, hang-ups, and blessings, and our married friends from whom we gained helpful insights as we discussed some of these subjects. Mrs. William (Barrie) Lyons, Family Life Seminar researcher and secretary, prepared the manuscript; Dr. James DeSaegher, head of the English department at Christian Heritage College, edited it; Dr. Ed Wheat, a family physician from Springdale, Arkansas, reviewed the manuscript carefully to assure medical accuracy and supplied a good deal of technical advice; and Dr. Bob Phillips, of Fresno, California, also provided several suggestions. In addition, the seventeen hundred couples who filled out our ninety-two-question sex survey furnished insights we would never have realized otherwise. Finally, we value the information derived from the many authors whose books are listed in the bibliography.

All quotations are used by permission. Grateful appreciation is expressed to the following publishers for permission to use extensive quotations:

Random House, publishers of
The Key to Feminine Response
by Ronald M. Deutsch, illustrations by Philip C. Johnson.

David McKay Co., publishers of
Any Woman Can
and
How to Get More Out of Sex
by David Reuben.

Doubleday & Co., publishers of
The Power of Sexual Surrender
by Marie N. Robinson.

Little, Brown & Co., publishers of
Human Sexual Response
by William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson.

The Redbook Publishing Company, publishers of
Redbook.

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