The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (45 page)

Should Christian parents expose their bodies to their children (as in bathing or dressing)? Doesn’t supermodesty help to breed sex consciousness?

One of the harmful fads of humanism during the past fifty years is the encouragement of parents to let their children see them naked. This is expressly forbidden in the Scriptures and is unnecessary for child development.

“Supermodesty” is almost a thing of the past; we could do with more modesty today. Children should not be taught to fear seeing their parents naked but, out of respect for them, avoid doing so.

Romance

Most sex manuals advise couples to get away occasionally for an overnight honeymoon, but how can a pastor on a very tight budget afford such a luxury?

The first thing he should do is prayerfully examine whether his salary is too small in relation to the total church budget. If it is, and the church could afford to give him a raise, he should prayerfully consider having a talk with the budget committee when the annual budget is being prepared, forthrightly advise them that he is finding it difficult to live on his salary, and request a substantial raise. At issue is Matthew 6:33; if your first objective is to seek the kingdom of God, there is nothing wrong with your third or fourth objective being a decent salary to live on. You owe that to your family.

Asking your church for a raise, however, doesn’t guarantee that you will receive it (though at least they will know how you honestly feel). Consequently you had better be equipped with “plan B.” For that we suggest that you make your desire a special matter of prayer, for God will provide some extra work or a thoughtful gift from some member or in some other way make it possible. “Ask and it will be given to you” (Matt. 7:7). It boils down to moving that “overnight honeymoon” higher up on your priority list—you and your wife need it!

We will never forget the thoughtful couple who rented a motel in Palm Springs for us for one week back in the days when we didn’t have two nickels to rub together. I can only wish that more church members would provide so bountifully for their minister and his wife.

You might also save the honorariums received from weddings and use them to improve your marriage by getting away for occasional “overnight honeymoons.” Moreover, it isn’t only ministers who need to get away from the children and household chores once in a while; every marriage will profit from such therapy. Even if you have to skimp and save, it is worth the investment.

September Sex

At what age do couples stop making love?

While writing this book, we had lunch with two very close friends of many years. He is seventy-six, she is three or four years younger. We have long treasured their friendship and the sight of the beautiful relationship they share. When informed of our subject, he jokingly said, “I could tell you a lot to put in that book.” Somehow I got the courage to ask him how often he and his wife make love at their age. He smilingly replied, “At least three times a week!” Then he added, “Now that I’m retired we have more time for that sort of thing.” Obviously he didn’t know that he was supposed to slow down, so he didn’t! And that’s the way it should be. Two healthy people should be able to make love into their eighties. We know several who claim that they celebrated their golden wedding anniversary by making love.

As people grow older, the various parts of their body begin to wear out. But the process is as unpredictable as the people involved. Consequently some experience one malfunction, some another. When vital energies begin to run down in our maturity, many activities of our youth are pursued less energetically and frequently. It is not uncommon for senior citizens, particularly men, to experience occasional malfunctions in lovemaking. Unfortunately they jump to the conclusion that “it’s all over” after a few nonorgasmic experiences. If they were to analyze their situation more carefully, they would notice something that gives hope and inspiration to try again.

Contrary to masculine obsession, a man does not have to ejaculate to enjoy coitus. Upon arousal, he can have a substantial erection, enter his wife, experience many minutes of exciting stimulation, bring her to orgasm, and gradually lose his ejaculatory drive. Instead of the usual high peak, his feeling just seems to pass without the customary explosion. Although it is not as satisfying as the ejaculatory climax he so enjoys, it does satisfy both his sex drive and his wife’s. If he learns to settle for this lessened experience, he will still occasionally ejaculate, and as his confidence returns, so will the frequency of his success. Many, however, erroneously short-circuit their long-range capabilities by
thinking
that it is all over when actual experience would dictate otherwise.

What would you suggest for older couples who have had very little sex education?

Basically the same things work for them that inexperienced couples must learn, except that they must unlearn the faulty concepts and practices that may have hindered their love lives. Our counseling experience indicates that one is never too old to learn something new about lovemaking, and no couple should be closed to the possibility that perhaps something they are doing is not in the best interest of one of the partners. Hopefully the concepts in this book will encourage many such couples to new lovemaking joys.

When one reaches middle age and feels too tired for intercourse, how can life be meaningful and exciting?

A person’s sex drive parallels his other bodily drives. They decline together. Middle-aged people who are as tired as this person should see a doctor, examine their eating habits to see if they are destroying their vital energies with the wrong kinds of foods, or investigate potential vitamin deficiencies. We know of tired folks in their fifties who solved this problem by regularly going to bed one hour earlier. This gave them more zest. A number of people in our church have found that eating a large breakfast, a moderate lunch, and a skimpy dinner without an evening snack not only rids them of unwanted fat, but produces renewed energy. An increased sex drive will naturally follow and improve with an increase of vital energies.

Why does the desire for lovemaking fade as we get older?

Aging tends to reduce the intensity of most human drives, including sex, but by no means should they cease entirely. For forty years I enjoyed 20–20 vision, but for the past few years I’ve had to learn to live with glasses. And that’s only one of many normal adjustments we all must make as we grow more “mature.” Because people live longer today than they once did, such symptoms are more noticeable, and because we don’t get as much exercise as we should, we compound the problem. Most of all, a person’s mental attitude is extremely important. If you think your sex drive is fading, it will fade. Most middle-aged couples are still enjoying all the coitus they want—they just don’t want as much as they once did. Our research, however, has indicated that many such couples have learned to love better and enjoy enriched love lives through the years, even though sexual experiences have decreased in number.

Men in their late sixties and older should consult a nutritionist to see if vitamin E, zinc supplements, prostada, and other natural helps can reignite their virility. Many have found it beneficial to visit their health-food store for this purpose.

Sex Drive

How do I cope with my husband’s indifference to our sex life?

Have a frank talk with him—perhaps you are doing something that turns him off. Then try to ignite his interest by showing affection, displaying provocative attire in the bedroom (or elsewhere when no one else is around), and massaging his penis. Even the most reluctant penis can hardly ignore wifely stroking.

Is it wrong for a woman to have a stronger sex drive than a man?

No, your temperament, background, and general energy level will account for some of the difference. If you both approve your being the aggressor, enjoy it; never feel guilty about it. Many men are so mentally pressured by work and responsibilities that their sex drive is lessened until a loving wife stirs their attention.

What can a woman do to increase her sex drive?

She can change her mental attitude toward sex in general and work toward experiencing an orgasm. That usually increases a woman’s appetite; repeated frustration often thwarts it.

Sex During Pregnancy

I am pregnant (first child), and my husband is overly concerned about hurting me or our baby. This has greatly hampered our sex life. Is this normal?

You are fortunate to have such a thoughtful, considerate husband. However, his groundless fears are cheating you both out of many exciting opportunities to express your love for each other. Most doctors indicate that love relations are perfectly safe until about six weeks prior to the expected birth of your child. Urge your husband to have a talk with your doctor; he or she is the best one to correct his thinking on the subject.

Stimulation

Should a wife stimulate herself prior to intercourse to get into the mood? (This seems wrong to me, but some sex clinics teach this.)

We see nothing wrong with this, but it would be better if the husband stimulated you through adequate foreplay. Self-stimulation is never as exciting as being stimulated by the person you love.

For a woman, so much of sex starts before the actual act. Women read books and seek help, but men usually don’t. How do men get this education? What can a woman do to help her response when this area is lacking?

One of the reasons we are writing this book is to help such men. If your husband is not much of a reader, perhaps he will listen to Dr. Wheat’s cassettes referred to on page 103, n. 1.

Is it acceptable to use “playthings” for stimulation during lovemaking?

By “playthings” you probably mean vibrators to heighten stimulation. Those might be helpful in cases of male impotence or failure of a woman to respond to clitoral stimulation, but otherwise they should be unnecessary. In fact, to those who respond normally but use them as a lark, they might prove dangerous in overstimulating and establishing an appetite for a level of stimulation their partner could not provide naturally.

How many women get “turned on” by the sight of a man’s body as men do from seeing women?

Not many. Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust, whereas men almost universally must cope with the problem just because they are men. Many wives indicate that at times they get excited by seeing their husbands undress, but that is more in response to the pleasure they anticipate than in what they see.

How can a phlegmatic wife be stimulated to an orgasm more often than rarely? My wife enjoys our sexual relations, but manipulation does not bring her to orgasm.

Perhaps you’re not doing it right. If you don’t get sufficient lubrication on your fingers, either artificially with K-Y jelly or the natural lubrication of her vagina, you may be irritating her instead of exciting her. Start out slowly and lovingly, then gradually increase your movement as her excitement intensifies. Discuss it with her frankly to learn what she enjoys best.

Television

I’ve heard of a medical doctor who advises young couples not to buy a TV set until after one year of marriage. Do you agree?

You are probably referring to my friend Dr. Wheat, who has proved most helpful in the preparation of this manuscript. He makes that observation quite clearly in his sex education cassettes referred to earlier. Yes, we do agree with him, not only for newlyweds, but others also. Because of the busy pace and complex schedule most people are forced to keep these days, they have little enough time together. The hours they do spend in the privacy of their homes or apartments should be utilized in learning to communicate with each other on every level, not permitting the TV to absorb their prime time from after dinner until bedtime. Instead of talking, teasing, loving, and expressing themselves freely, they often spend the evening being entertained and consequently forfeit the much-needed sharing. This is particularly true in the first year of marriage. Dr. Wheat reports that after their first year together many couples have thanked him for that piece of advice. We noticed that our two married children apparently made exceptionally good adjustments early in their marriages; since neither of them could afford a TV while going to seminary and college, we concluded that a definite relationship existed.

TV is a thief of love, not just for newlyweds, but for most married couples. Wives with small children look forward to their husbands’ coming home for an evening of fellowship, then become resentful when hubby can muster only a few grunts and nods between commercials. In addition, TV-watching tends to become a habit each evening until after the eleven o’clock news. Consequently, at least one of the partners is just too exhausted to make love enthusiastically. We suggest that shutting off the TV or at least cutting down on its use and developing the habit of going to bed regularly at or before 10
P.M.
would increase the frequency of lovemaking for almost any couple. It would probably increase the quality of the experience also. When measured in that light—TV just can’t be that good!

Temperament

Does one’s predominant temperament also affect his attitudes and feelings about sexual relationship?