The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (41 page)

My wife enjoys intercourse when we have it, but how can I help her to desire it more than twice a month?

Although she may “enjoy intercourse,” does she have orgasms? There is a great difference. The most exciting sensation any woman can experience is an orgasm. It is a rare woman who desires only two such exciting experiences a month. Read chapter 6, “The Art of Lovemaking,” and be sure that your wife is having the real thing; you’ll be amazed how her appetite for lovemaking will increase.

Frigidity, or a Lack of Desire for Sex

Are some women born frigid?

With 3.8 billion people on the earth, over half of whom are women, no doubt
some
were born physically incapable of orgasm, but their number is so small that it is most unlikely that any of them will ever read this book. Dr. David Reuben says, “There is no reason why every woman should not have regular and frequent orgasms, if she wants to.”
¹
To illustrate further that the problem is emotionally caused and not physically induced, he states, “No psychiatrist has ever seen a woman with this condition who was raised by loving parents in a warm, secure family environment. Most women who suffer from orgasmic impairment suffered serious emotional deprivation during childhood and after.”
²

One reason why we believe women raised in a Christian home enjoy the pleasures of lovemaking more than others (a belief verified by our sex survey) is that they are more likely to have experienced a warm father-daughter love relationship. One of the best things a father can do for his daughters is to let them run into his heart any time they like. He should avoid all selfish urges to shut them out or turn them off, no matter how busy he is. A lack of desire for sex is not usually a physical matter, but an emotional withdrawal from the opposite sex that can be well developed by the time a girl is six years old. Cold, selfish fathers are the greatest cause of cold, frigid women.

What can a man do with a wife who is sexually unresponsive? I love my wife, but I’m not sure how long I can tolerate this.

It takes a lot of tender loving care from a husband and determination from a wife to overcome this problem, but it can be done. Please study chapters 9 and 10 and carefully follow the suggestions you find there. A man displays considerable maturity when he understands that his wife’s rejection of him is probably a carryover from childhood and that he must
patiently
prove to her that he is not the same kind of man as her father. Every action should be kind and tender. Never raise your voice to her, but treat her with dignity and respect in public and private; gradually she will come around. In addition to reading this book, send for Dr. Wheat’s cassette tapes, listen to them with your wife, and follow his suggestions. In short, love her as your own body (Eph. 5:28).

Why does a frigid woman get married in the first place?

By no means did she deliberately set out to deceive you, for she probably never dreamed she had little or no desire for sex. In the midst of unhappiness at home and at the time of her greatest sex drive (at ages sixteen to twenty-two), she met you and fell in love. Since lovemaking at best occupies only about 1/168th of a person’s time throughout marriage, she probably was thinking more about life with you, homemaking, motherhood, and the other important aspects of married life than she was about coitus when she agreed to become your wife. Like swimming, skiing, or anything else, orgasm through lovemaking is an art that must be learned. The problem is, no other function in life so combines the emotional and the physical parts of two people like coitus, and this skill demands unusually concentrated practice.

I’ve heard your talk on sex, and frankly I wasn’t impressed. Why is it that I don’t like sex and don’t want to?

You are probably filled with resentment, first toward your father and now transferred to your husband. Your shell of psychological self-protection has stifled your natural flow of emotions, making you a very selfish person. Unless you seriously begin to consider your responsibilities to God and the emotional needs of your husband and children, you will destroy your marriage. Emotional self-protection doesn’t really keep you from being hurt, for it wounds everyone you love and consequently you yourself. Our Lord said, “Give, and it will be given to you” (Luke 6:38)—that is particularly true of love.

One of the most rewarding experiences of a marriage counselor is to observe that women who have this problem begin to seek God’s help in giving sexual love to their husbands, only to find that they simply needed a little knowledge of anatomy and a few techniques of physical stimulation to learn the exciting art of orgasmic expression. It opens a whole new dimension to their lives.

Genitalia

Is it possible for a couple to be so physically mismatched (too big or too small) that they cannot have good relations?

Many men are almost paranoid about the size of their genitalia, and women are almost as concerned with their breast size. Unfortunately ignorance usually produces ungrounded fear, and such fear proves a greater sexual deterrent than the size of their organs.

Actually, no matter how tall or short the man, his erect penis is almost always six to eight inches long, and as we previously pointed out, three inches would be adequate for propagation and wifely satisfaction. Similarly, no matter the size of the woman, her vagina will not vary more than about one inch in depth. Research indicates that very tall men married to short women have the same ratio of sexual enjoyment as two people of the same height. Extreme difference in size may make it difficult to kiss during coitus, but there is no evidence to suggest that a man may be too large or too small for a woman. God’s creative design has taken care of that.

Although I enjoy it when my husband stimulates my clitoris with his fingers, why does it make me feel guilty?

We are all influenced by our backgrounds, for good or ill. Somewhere in the past you developed the idea that pleasure must be sinful, according to the saying “Everything I enjoy is either sinful, illegal, or fattening.” That’s ridiculous! God has given us many wonderful things in life to enjoy, and married love is one of them. Nothing in the Bible condemns clitoral stimulation between married partners. Hebrews 13:4 makes allowance for it, and the Song of Songs describes it (2:6). In fact, there is no other known purpose for the clitoris than to provide you with sexual stimulation. Your heavenly Father placed it there for your enjoyment.

To show how widely accepted this artful technique is in lovemaking, 92 percent of the Bible-believing ministers surveyed approved its use. (Keep in mind, only 17 percent of these same ministers approved self-stimulation.) We suggest that you thank God for such a tender, thoughtful husband and enjoy the experience.

Ever since I had my hysterectomy I have been unable to experience an orgasm, and I have had an increasing problem with depression.

You reflect two problems—orgasmic malfunction and depression. Both are likely to stem from the same source—fear of inadequacy. Most women fear that a hysterectomy will render them less of a woman and incapable of sexual fulfillment, but nothing could be further from the truth. While it is true that a hysterectomy will eliminate your monthly period, there is no medical reason why it should interfere with your marital pleasure. In fact, many women have indicated a greater freedom and enjoyment in lovemaking after such surgery. But you must get over the idea that because your reproductive equipment has been removed, you can no longer function normally.

The clitoris is the primary source of female stimulation, the lips around the vagina are second—a hysterectomy doesn’t affect either. Besides, doctors have reported that in some of those extremely rare cases where a woman has had to have her clitoris removed, some were still able to experience an orgasm. Remember that “a woman’s most important sex organ is her brain.” Unless your brain has been removed, you can function normally. But you must believe it. If you convince yourself that a hysterectomy is sexually fatal, it is; so face the truth—you and your husband have many good years of enjoyment ahead of you.

Depression is another matter. Most of the time it is the emotional result of the thoughts of self-pity for having had to go through such surgery. Give thanks by faith (1 Thess. 5:18) and quit griping at God about it; you’ll be amazed at how much better you will feel. If that doesn’t improve conditions in a week or two, see your doctor—you may need some hormone shots. Admittedly this surgery is an emotionally jarring experience, but self-pity only complicates it and retards the healing process.

Is it right for a Christian woman to have silicone injected into her breasts?

If you have already done it and your conscience bothers you, confess it and then forget about it. If you haven’t, don’t bother to have it done. A foreign body unnecessarily sealed into your flesh could and sometimes does present complications. Besides, you need to accept yourself as God made you—that’s your problem. Except for exercises (and it is questionable whether this helps), there is very little that can be done naturally to change the size of your breasts. Many women who have undergone a mastectomy would prefer your problem to theirs. If the truth were known, the big-breasted woman may not be so sensitive to lovemaking as her envious smaller friend. The reason? Both women have the same number of nerve endings, but those in a large breast are more likely to be spread out further and not so close to the surface of the skin.

Homosexuality

Is it a sign of perversion for a child to handle his sex organs?

Curiosity is the hallmark of every child; some have it more than others. Being curious about their genitalia and others’ is natural to children, and it is a wise parent who accepts it as such. It is best not to scold, punish, or shame them for they are encountering an expected phase of growth. As they observe your relaxed attitude, they will soon get over their apparent obsession with the subject. You can use such occasions as an opportunity to talk over any questions your children may have on sex. Be sure to use, casually, accurate medical terms for the various parts of the body so they will accept sexuality as a natural part of life.

It is best for parents to study up on the subject of sexual development and plan in advance how they will answer such questions. If you let your children take you by surprise, you will be more inclined to do and say the wrongs things. (See the author’s book
Against the Tide: How to Raise Sexually Pure Kids in an Impure World
.)

What should be the Christian’s attitude toward homosexuality?

This problem is increasingly rampant in the world today. In California alone, one prominent gay society claims to have 100,000 members. Some ministers are homosexual and have started a whole denomination of churches for homosexuals. My associate minister and I debated two homosexual ministers on a radio program in which they sought to justify their position. It was interesting to note that they could find no Scripture to support it. The only one they tried to use was Paul’s statement, “I have become all things to all men, so that by all means I might save some” (1 Cor. 9:22), a complete distortion of the apostle’s meaning.

The Bible is very clear on homosexuality. It is an abnormal, deviant practice according to Romans 1:27. The children of Israel were commanded by God to stone homosexuals to death (Lev. 20:13), a severe treatment intended to keep them from spreading their philosophy. Every homosexual is potentially an evangelist of homosexuality, capable of perverting many young people to his sinful way of life.

The widespread propaganda emanating from the media, liberals in government, the entertainment industry, and secular colleges is moving society toward the acceptance of homosexuals as normal by removing all legal restraints against them. The governor of California and other state governors have signed such a law, overturning centuries of opposition to homosexuality. This has allowed their number to multiply tragically. Although Christians are commanded to love their neighbor, we should actively use whatever legal steps are available in our communities in this post-Christian culture to encourage lawmakers to enact laws against homosexuality. Christians are far too passive when it comes to using what freedoms they have to legally preserve morality and decency. Homosexuality seems to be the ultimate sin in the Bible that causes God to give men up, as He did according to Romans 1:27, and to destroy them from the earth, as He did in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah and during the Flood in the days of Noah. Even while condemning the sin of homosexuals, a Christian should bear compassion for them as individuals and whenever possible share the gospel of Christ with them. That is the only known power available today to extricate a person from this awful vice. Homosexuals need to know that there is a remedy in a genuine conversion to Christ, who can empower them to change their lifestyle. I have personally met forty-eight former homosexuals who have come out of that lifestyle, and I know of over two hundred ministries that are run by former homosexuals who now specialize in helping homosexuals come to Christ and live normal heterosexual lives.

What causes homosexuality?

There is no simple answer to this question, but this condition comes about from a combination of factors. One of the most common factors is an abnormal hatred toward the opposite sex aroused by a domineering mother, who “ruled the home,” and a milk-toast father. This subconscious hatred of a boy for his mother spills over and makes it difficult for him to be attracted to girls his age. In the case of a lesbian, it is often the rejection of her father that prepares her for this life of perversion. Rarely does a child who is raised in a whole some atmosphere of love from his parents develop a predisposition toward deviant sexual practices.