The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (15 page)

For example, when a man comes home at night, he should indicate a personal interest in her and what she has been doing during the day, rather than become obsessed with the sports page, what is cooking for dinner, or what is on TV. In the evening, giving a hand with the children, relieving her of some of the responsibilities she has borne all day, is a further expression of his love. His spending time with the children rather than being enslaved by the boob tube does as much for the wife as it does for the children.

Moreover, a weekly night out for dinner away from the children is vitally important to the wife, even though the husband’s yearnings may be for a quiet evening at home. Then occasionally there are those little birthday and holiday remembrances and, most of all, verbalized expressions of love and approval all through the evening. A man who treats his wife as someone very special will usually find her eagerly responding to his expressions of love. When his words and actions together convince her that he dearly loves her, their intimate lovemaking is the natural, culminating expression of that love.

God had a wise plan in establishing one man for one woman. It is impossible for a man to love a woman as a person when there is another woman involved. A close friend expressed that beautifully to me at lunch one day. We were discussing my Sunday sermon on King David. I asserted that I could not understand why a fifty-year-old man with twenty wives would stoop to committing adultery with Bathsheba. Jim surprised me by saying, “I can understand that. David had so many wives he never knew what it was to have one true love.”

God designed the beauty of marriage to be a lifetime of sharing experiences with one true love. As long as a man convinces his wife that their lovemaking is the expression of the true love he has for her, he will find her a willing and cooperative partner.

Notes

1
. Ed Wheat, M.D., “Sex Problems and Sex Technique in Marriage,” available from Bible Believers Cassettes, 130 N. Spring, Springdale, AR 72764.

Eight

For Women Only

One outstanding observation gleaned from my years in the counseling room is that women enjoy a greater capacity for love than do men, a capacity that includes both giving and receiving. For this reason it seems women usually try harder than men to be good and faithful lovers. One thing has been obvious—far more women than men are willing to settle for a second-rate love life. Fortunately neither must endure such a condition any longer.

It is vitally important to a married woman’s self-acceptance that her husband be satisfied with her as a love partner. One loving wife with a self-acceptance rating of zero lamented, “My husband thinks I’m an ideal cook, homemaker, and mother for his children, but he left me because I was a failure in the bedroom.” Most men will accept mediocrity in other areas if the bedroom activity gives satisfaction. We have regularly noticed that nearly every wife genuinely wants to succeed in this important area of marriage, but too many just don’t know how to proceed. Therefore some suggestions directed specifically to wives will be helpful.

1.
Maintain a positive mental attitude
. When en route to Hawaii with my wife for a few days’ vacation before a seminar, I was reading Marabel Morgan’s book
The Total Woman
. Beverly was startled when I suddenly started to laugh, but her response was identical when I showed her the cause. Mrs. Morgan indicated that the brain is the control center in women for making love. I had long been aware of that fact, but was astounded to find a woman who would admit it.

Proverbs 23:7 (mg.) reminds us, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” Students of the mind are discovering that people never rise above their expectations. When they anticipate failure, they will never succeed. If, however, they expect success, they will achieve it. For the woman concerned about lovemaking success, talent, I.Q., and age have little to do with it; her mental attitude is the determining factor. We all have observed people who outperform their natural capabilities. It is our conviction that all Christians, empowered by the Holy Spirit, should outperform their own natural abilities in whatever situation they find themselves.

As a counselor I have been surprised by the number of beautiful women, the embodiment of sexual appeal, who confess that they are completely inept in the bedroom. On the other hand, some “plain Janes,” flat-chested or overweight, admit to an exciting love life with their husbands. This proves that it isn’t primarily the size, shape, or appearance of a woman that makes her a good lover; it suggests that her mental attitude is of utmost importance. Three areas in a woman’s sexual thinking pattern are very important to her: (a) what she thinks about lovemaking; (b) what she thinks about herself; and (c) what she thinks about her husband. Her attitude toward these will determine her success or failure.

(a)
What she thinks about lovemaking
. Although we cannot endorse the sexual revolution, it may be somewhat responsible for exposing the false concept that married love is “dirty,” “evil,” or “for masculine enjoyment only.” Such impressions certainly did not emanate from the Old or New Testament or from the early church. They sprang from the “Dark Ages” when Roman theologians tried to merge ascetic philosophy with Christian thought. The pagan philosophy that assumed that anything enjoyable must be evil took precedence over the biblical concept that “marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure” (Heb. 13:4). It is difficult to describe some of the unbelievable and ridiculous distortions to which the sacred relationship of married love has been subjected. One author wrote,

Peter Lombard and Gratien warned Christians that the Holy Spirit left the room when a married couple engaged in sexual intercourse—even if it were for the purpose of conceiving a child! Other church leaders insisted that God required sexual abstinence during all holy days and seasons. And in addition, couples were advised not to have sex relations on Thursdays in honor of Christ’s arrest, on Fridays in memory of His crucifixion, on Saturdays in honor of the Virgin Mary, on Sundays in remembrance of Christ’s resurrection, and on Mondays out of respect for the departed souls (leaving only Tuesday and Wednesday)! The Church sought to regulate every facet of life, leaving no room for the individual’s right to determine God’s will, nor for the rights of a married couple to decide for themselves how the most intimate aspects of married life should be conducted.
¹

The Reformation fortunately called Christians back to studying the Word of God rather than blindly accepting dogma. In gaining new insights into God, salvation, sin, and theology, Christians discovered that God is the author of sex, that both men and women have sexual needs that a partner is obliged to fulfill (1 Cor. 7:1–5), and that their fulfillment is honorable and undefiled. Obedient Christians over the centuries have discovered in the privacy of their bedrooms that sexual relations provide the most exciting experiences in their lives. Any young woman who enters marriage without knowing that sexual union is a blessing from her heavenly Father, to be enjoyed without reserve, does not fully understand the Bible.

Confused church leaders of the past are not the only ones who seemed to delight in warping the mental attitudes of young virgins just prior to marriage. Some communities have been disturbed by little old ladies who were self-appointed evangelists of aversion to sex and took it upon themselves to visit brides-to-be before their weddings to inform them of the “facts of life.” Their version was something like this: “S—is the worst part of marriage. It is distasteful and disgusting but something every wife must endure.” By the time the “evangelist” was through, no young virgin could possibly anticipate the joys of married love. Such sexual misfits are contagious. Having never welcomed the experience, they feel duty-bound to keep everyone else from enjoying it.

One wife who was sexually unresponsive told the following story in the counseling room. About two weeks before her marriage, her Aunt Matilda caught her and psychologically marred her for the first five years of marriage. Apparently her aunt, whose marriage was arranged by her parents in the old country, found herself petrified of sex on her wedding night. When her embarrassed and clumsy farmer husband, who was twenty years older, brought her to their wedding bed, he “stripped me naked and raped me in my own bed. I fought and screamed to no avail. My virginity was gone and I cried for three days. I have hated sex faithfully for thirty-five years.” Her conclusion to her niece was, “As far as I’m concerned, marriage is just legalized rape.”

As much as one might feel compassion for poor Aunt Matilda and her equally unhappy spouse, we can hardly envision more unhealthy concepts to pump into the impressionable young mind of a bride-to-be. It is little wonder that it took her niece several years and several counseling experiences to overcome such disastrous ideas.

How much better it would be for the young bride if her mother, whose love relationship for her husband had been accepted by their children through the years, would explain to her that married love is beautiful, exciting, meaningful, and mutually enjoyable. Such young virgins are mentally fortified against the false notions of Aunt Matilda and rarely become women who disdain sex.

The following illustration clarifies that a woman’s mental attitude is the key to the use of her sexual apparatus. After listening for an hour as a couple who had come for counseling discussed their miserable sex life, I excused the husband for a few minutes in order to ask the woman why they made love only two or three times a month. The wife reported, “I’m not as robust as most women; I think my female organs are too small, and I can’t function like other women.” (Modern research indicates that all female organs, like those of their male counterparts, are approximately the same size regardless of the person’s size.) When she admitted to suffering from arthritis, I shared with her some information that I had recently read reporting that tension accentuated pain in arthritis patients. Inasmuch as marital relations are a God-given means of relaxing emotional tensions, I counseled her to try more frequent lovemaking to help ease her arthritic pains. One week later I received a frantic phone call from her husband. “I don’t know what you told my wife after I left the room, but she has made love to me seven times in the last seven days—and I’m not sure I can keep up with this pace!”

What turned the wife on? I suggested no medication, vitamins, or mechanical devices—merely a change in her mental attitude, the most powerful tool in combating sexual dysfunction.

(b)
What she thinks about herself
. Self-rejection is one of the most common maladies of our day. Men fret about a penis being too small or too soft; women worry about having miniature-sized breasts or being undersexed. Actually, the percentage of sexually normal people is enormous. In fact, tests have proved that “undersized” people (whatever that is supposed to mean) are just as responsive or sensitive sexually as anyone else—and sometimes more so.

Anxiety over one’s ability to function sexually is the primary cause of sexual malfunction. Researchers report that men have functioned normally after various parts of their reproductive systems were removed, such as testicles or prostate glands. Interestingly enough, women who have had the clitoris removed for some reason reported no adverse effect on their sexual capability, and many women indicate increased marital enjoyment after having had a hysterectomy. From all the evidence we must conclude that the organs themselves are not of primary importance, but what we think about them—and ourselves. If we regard ourselves as sexually expressive and responsive love partners, we are—or at least have that capability.

(c)
What she thinks about her husband
. “I can’t stand to have my husband touch me!” Thus began the mother of five who had become infatuated with another man. She confessed, “Ten minutes to five is the most miserable time of my day because as I stand at the sink, getting dinner ready, I know that Tom will be home in ten minutes and will kiss me when he comes in.”

After we seriously dealt with her mental love affair with a divorced man as a sin, Julie got down on her knees and confessed her sins through her tears. Two weeks later my phone rang at 4:55
P.M.
, and Julie reported excitedly, “God has changed my heart! I’m all dressed up, excited that Tom is due home in a few minutes. I called because I wanted you to know that this has now become the most exciting time of my day.”

Love is not a whimsical vapor that comes and goes without rhyme or reason. It is a vital emotion that grows or dies in direct proportion to one’s thinking pattern. If a person gripes and mentally criticizes his or her partner in his mind, before long love for the partner will die. If however, that negative mental habit is replaced by thanksgiving for the positive characteristics in the partner’s life, love will blossom as surely as night follows day. “Since we belong to the day, let us be self-controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet” (1 Thess. 5:8). Love is the result of thinking wholesome thoughts about one’s partner. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Phil. 4:8). Many times we have seen love return to a marriage when one or both were willing to obey the principle “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thess. 5:18).

One day a couple came to my office as a last resort. They told me, “We have an appointment with our attorney on Thursday to get a divorce.” It was then Tuesday. “Is there anything you can do to bring love back into our marriage before it is too late? We have three children.”