The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (11 page)

The bride should discuss the matter of contraceptives with her doctor. We consider this in greater detail in chapter 12, but it is important for the bride and groom to realize that the fear of pregnancy can seriously detract from the joy of a honeymoon. The young couple should know each other’s feelings and decide whether they are prepared to start a family right after marriage or not. If they plan on a short delay, the doctor can advise them on a good, safe contraceptive.

3. It is a rare bride who will be able to provide sufficient natural vaginal lubricant on her honeymoon to avoid painful sensations during the act of love. This possibility can be eliminated by securing a tube of surgical jelly from the druggist, or she may wish to discuss this with her doctor, who can prescribe an adequate preparation for her. She would be advised to have it handy for her husband to use at the proper time.

4. The vaginal exercise program designed by Dr. Arnold Kegel is described in chapter 10. All brides-to-be should become aware of the muscles used and should practice Dr. Kegel’s exercises several weeks before the wedding. The program will acquaint her with muscle control, about which most women know nothing, and in addition will magnify her potential sexual feeling during lovemaking. It will also provide her with a means of exciting her husband beyond his fondest dreams. Learning these exercises will further assist them in learning to reach simultaneous orgasms. The bride should carefully study chapter 10 on feminine response.

Preliminary Considerations

We have noted that most women are more romantic than men. “Women are incurably romantic” came the comment from one analyst. Instead of fighting against that fact, the wise husband will cooperate with this need in his wife’s heart. Because the honeymoon is the culmination of a girl’s lifetime dreams, a loving husband will make every effort to fulfill them.

When I look back on our honeymoon, I have to admit that I planned everything wrong. Bev and I were married on a Saturday night in her home church. An old friend and his wife who came to the wedding decided to join us at our apartment while he gave me a one-hour lecture on the “facts of life.” This took place after the reception, pictures, and packing of our car. We went to bed at 1:45
A.M.!
Our first married day was spent driving for twelve hours, then stopping about 8
P.M.
in a motel room somewhere in the mountains of Kentucky. The next day we arrived in Greenville, South Carolina, where another ministerial student and I were building a trailer court for married students. I promptly went back to work. About the only clear lesson Bev learned from that hectic trip was to begin adjusting immediately to the insane pace to which I have subjected her for over forty exciting years.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have planned those few days after the wedding differently. First, we would have been married in the afternoon. Then we would have slipped away from our friends to be alone, planning at least a week to get acquainted before my bride was confronted with her new lifestyle as a wife.

One of the chief advantages of an afternoon wedding is having an entire first night without the fomenting turmoil that inevitably awaits a young couple after the reception. They need to get away to a hotel room to retire, unpack, freshen up, and leisurely enjoy a snack or dinner together. Most young people eat and sleep erratically before their wedding and, due to the frenzy of preparations, leave the ceremony totally exhausted. They need to sit down quietly, relax from all the excitement, and eat enough to lift their blood sugar level for added energy.

Upon returning to the room, the bridegroom may wish to carry his bride over the threshold in the traditional manner. From this point on, the two of them will be alone and should feel free to become as intimately acquainted as possible. The husband should proceed slowly and very gently with tender caresses and verbal expressions of love. There is a thin line at this stage between a husband’s love and a man’s passion. The husband who hurries this first encounter may unconsciously convey the thought to his new wife that he is being driven by passion more than love and concern for her. A slow, gentle approach will reveal his love for her through self-control.

It is important to add here that all lovemaking should proceed in circumstances where the couple can be guaranteed absolute privacy. Men are so single-minded that this is not so important to them as to their wives, but modest women need the assurance that no one will accidentally interrupt them. In a motel room it is easy to fasten the night lock. In their bedroom at home, they should install a lock on the door. Such a precaution is a necessary investment for successful lovemaking.

The romantic-minded husband will see to it that lights are turned low, thus ensuring visibility without excessive brightness, and if possible provide soft music.

The Great Unveiling

At this point the husband must be very sensitive to the romantic fantasies of his wife. Some brides will succumb to the lingerie industry’s commercials and wear a sexy nightie bought especially for the honeymoon. If so, she may want to slip into the bathroom to make the change. However, the couple may wish to stir sexual excitement for love by undressing one another. The lover finds it terribly exciting and stimulating to be gently undressed by his or her loved one. Although one may experience some embarrassment at being fully unclothed before one’s partner the first time, such a feeling will be minimal and will soon dissolve if the undressing proceeds slowly, even in stages, with tender, compassionate expressions of love. When the husband assures his modest bride that she is truly the most beautiful creature he has ever seen, she will most likely respond with a warm embrace.

Foreplay

Almost every sex manual emphasizes the need for an adequate period of foreplay, or loveplay. This is true not only on the first night, but all through marriage. Most men have learned that foreplay is essential to their wives’ enjoyment of lovemaking, but they generally minimize their own need for foreplay because they are fully aroused for lovemaking at the sight of their beloved’s nude body. Yet current research has revealed that it is easier for a man to retard his ejaculation after a long period of foreplay than after sudden arousal. Besides, as he learns how to affectionately arouse his wife, he will attain intense excitement in her response himself, and it will enrich his own climax.

How long the couple should spend in foreplay may vary with each couple’s need, depending somewhat on their temperaments and cultural background. But it is never wise to be in a hurry. A modest, inexperienced bride may require thirty or more minutes in preparation for lovemaking. After she becomes more experienced, the preparatory time may be reduced to ten or fifteen minutes; occasional exceptions during her emotional cycle when she is particularly amorous may reduce the time even further.

There is no universal pattern for arousing a woman to lovemaking. Some women are stimulated by having their breasts caressed, others are not. Furthermore, a woman’s emotional cycle may make it enjoyable for her on some occasions, but not on others. For this reason, a wife should freely instruct her husband through verbal responses and by placing his hands where she wants him to caress her tenderly. Generally a thoughtful husband may gently massage his wife’s neck, shoulders, and breasts to arouse her until blood rushes to the nipples and they become firm and erect, though care should be taken not to irritate the nipples by too vigorous action. Any tender fondling and kissing on the upper body will help to arouse her. Gradually the husband should move his hands gently down his wife’s body until he contacts the vulva region, mindful to keep his fingernails smoothly filed to avoid producing any discomfort (which could cause her heating emotions to become suddenly chilled).

As the husband is tenderly caressing the clitoris or vaginal area with his hand, the couple will probably be lying on the bed with the wife on her back. If she will spread her legs, keeping her feet flat on the bed, and pull them up toward her body, it will be helpful for them both. The husband finds this voluntary act of cooperation very exciting, and it makes her most sensitive areas accessible to his caressing fingers. It is best for the husband to fondle the area around the clitoris, but he should not start foreplay there at first because of potential irritation. As the area starts to engorge with blood, it becomes the primary source of excitement to the wife and is then ready for direct stimulation.

On first arousal the husband will be able to feel the clitoris with his fingers, but his wife will go through several physiological changes as her excitement mounts. Her heart will palpitate, her skin becomes warm, and almost every part of her body becomes sensitive to the touch. Her breathing will be more rapid, her face may grimace as if in pain, and she may groan audibly—and her husband finds this all very exhilarating. The most noticeable change will take place in the vaginal area, where she becomes very moist and the inner lips (labia minora) begin to swell several times their normal size until they form a hood over the clitoris, which may no longer be felt by his fingers. At this point it usually becomes unnecessary to maintain direct contact with the clitoris, for any motion in the vaginal region will vibrate against the thick layers of the swollen hood and transmit the movements to the clitoris indirectly. This will further amplify passion in the wife.

The vigor with which the husband massages this vital area should be determined by the wife. Some prefer it slow and easy, while others enjoy vigorous motion. Some wives like to vary the motion within one lovemaking experience; others may choose to modify it according to their mood. Most important, the husband should be extremely gentle and sensitive to his wife’s needs at this point.

The mounting passions and tensions in a wife at this stage can be likened to pushing a cart uphill. As one gradually approaches the top, the peak seems to become steeper; then with a final thrust, the cart can be pushed over the top. Just as one would never stop the cart on the uphill side, so a thoughtful husband will not suspend his motion in the midst of their loveplay. If he does, her emotional cart will
immediately
descend and he will have to regain the emotional loss. This explains why many women cool somewhat during the time it takes a husband to remove his fingers from her vaginal area and place his penis inside, particularly if he has any clothing to remove. With practice he can learn to continue the massaging loveplay while putting the penis into place. This will help his wife continue her climb toward a high emotional peak. After the husband learns more self-control, he may stimulate his wife’s clitoris with a lubricated penis. Some wives may prefer this to the husband’s fingers. Then it is easily slipped into the vagina when she is ready.

The Culmination

Many an inexperienced husband misunderstands a very important signal from his wife. When his fingers are caressing the vaginal area and he finds it well lubricated, he may consider that to be the signal that she is ready for coitus. This is not true! Until her labia minora are heavily swollen by the influx of an ample supply of blood, the sensitive areas of her vagina will not even be included in their lovemaking. If he proceeds before that, he will probably reach orgasm just as this swelling takes place, and she will be left unfulfilled. His relaxing penis will then be unable to continue the motion on the sides of the vagina and the clitoris necessary to bring her to climax. This common misunderstanding probably has kept more loving partners from learning to reach simultaneous orgasms than anything else.

The husband must also remember when massaging the area of the vagina and clitoris that at first touch with dry fingers his wife might experience some discomfort. If he moistens his finger with vaginal lubrication, she will find clitoral stimulation much more enjoyable. Free and honest communication is essential in this phase of loveplay to maximize the enjoyment of this necessary preparation for the act of marriage.

Several writers in this field, both Christian and secular, suggest that a couple gently massage each other to orgasm on their wedding night for two reasons: (1) it increases the possibility for both to experience an orgasm the first night, and (2) it helps to acquaint them with their partner’s bodily functions. We believe this might be a little too much to expect from two inhibited virgins their first night together. We suggest, however, that they arouse each other as outlined above, and when the wife thinks she is ready for entrance, she should take the groom’s penis in her hand and place it in her vagina. Upon his wife’s signal and while continuing to massage her clitoral area, the husband should use his free hand to take a lubricating jelly (which should be placed on the nightstand in advance) and lubricate the head and shaft of his penis before entrance. He should be careful to support the weight of his body with his elbows and slowly push his penis into her vagina.

Once inside, the husband should try to remain motionless or he may ejaculate in a matter of seconds, abruptly terminating their lovemaking. Even though all his instincts cry out within him to begin his thrusting motion, he must gain self-control for at least one or two minutes. To avoid the loss of his wife’s mounting tension, he should continue to massage her clitoral area or the swollen lips of the vulva. The wife can help to increase her passion by slightly rotating her hips as she lies beneath her husband. This helps to maintain motion and friction on her clitoris and bring her vagina into contact with the shaft of his penis without overstimulating him. When she feels her passions mounting beyond control, she should put her legs around her husband’s hips and begin her own thrusting movements back and forth on the penis. If she has practiced contracting the vaginal (P.C.) muscle several weeks before marriage as described in chapter 10, she will find more pleasure in the experience and can help her husband by squeezing his penis with the muscle each time he retracts. A squeezing action upon first entry is also helpful to both husband and wife—while the husband is waiting one to two minutes for ejaculatory control, his wife’s squeezing can maintain her excitement. Once the husband begins his thrusting motion, the wife should concentrate on the sensations she is experiencing in her clitoris and vaginal area, continuing as much motion as possible that contributes to that feeling.