That Time I Joined the Circus (17 page)

“I don’t know,” I told her. “This is a lot to take in. This is a continent to take in. And I got pretty used to hating you.”

She nodded. Her eyes were wet, but she didn’t cry again. I nodded back.

We walked together toward the door that led back into the club, to the rest of the world. And the rest of my life, maybe with my mother back in it.

Miami, Florida — The Second-Longest Night of My Life

Callie went to apologize to the band and to Nick’s cousin. I had faith in her. If she could get me to even consider forgiving her, those guys should be cake.

Nick was back to work when we returned, as in working the room, which seemed to be his unofficial job. He was sort of wearing a black-haired stick figure clad in tall boots with high heels. I felt so young, so awkward, and I resented him for making me feel that way.

When he spotted me, he untangled his limbs from the stick and made his way to me. I saw that Eli had been sitting over in the corner, and he started walking toward me, too, but Nick got there first.

“Are you all right?”

I had no idea how to answer that question. “I’m … I’m … I don’t know. She told me lots of things. She thought
you maybe wanted to surprise me — when you figured out who she was? Is that why you didn’t call me?”

The rational part of my brain knew that I hadn’t called him, either, but that part of my brain wasn’t really functional just then. I had been waiting for him to call me — and he hadn’t, not for a solid week. I could take a hint. Of course, then I disregarded that hint and came chasing after him like a crazy person, but that was beside the point.

“Callie’s right, it was meant to be a surprise — for Christmas. I was hoping to bring her to you — to where I
thought
you were — later this week.”

“No, I mean, why haven’t you called me? At
all
…”

“I’ve called you — a few times. You didn’t answer. It just rings and rings.”

I pulled out the crummy pay-as-you-go phone that it turned out my mom’s ex-boyfriend had bought me. It lit up, but the screen was blank. “Are you kidding me?” I cried. I threw the phone against the wall at the back of the club.

“Remind me never to get you a decent phone,” Nick said, leading me back into the little office.

“I had a nice phone once,” I heard myself say softly when we got inside. Eli had been watching me with Nick, but he hadn’t come any closer.

Nick wrapped his arms around me, though there was something different in this embrace, different from before. He held me a little apart from him. And suddenly, I knew. I understood it all. I stepped back out of the circle of his arms.

“You found my mother and you were bringing her to me,” I told him.

“Yes,” he said, sounding wary of the tone of my voice.

“You found my mother and you were bringing her to me,” I repeated. “You didn’t want me to be alone, or in trouble. So you could leave me and not feel bad.” I saw the truth of my words in his eyes. “Why?” I managed, though the word barely disturbed the air.

He shook his head sadly and reached out for me, but I stepped back. “Lexi, you know why. We’re not in the same place. You need to go to college.”

“I’ll go to college!” I told him. “It’s not like prison. They let you out to, like, see people — all the time.”

“Lexi, this isn’t going to work. You and I both know it.”

“You have a girlfriend here,” I said, remembering the blond and the stick. “Or girlfriends.”

He shook his head. “Lexi, I don’t have a girlfriend, or I would never have … back at Europa … But the fact remains, I still should not have let you — let myself. But I’m stopping it. Now.”

“You don’t want to see me?” I asked, not looking at him, looking at some promotional poster in the office like it was the most interesting thing in the entire stupid world. I knew that if I looked at him I would start crying.

“No, Lexi,” I heard him say, and his voice sounded sure. “I don’t want us to see each other anymore.”

I nodded, eyes still on the poster. “I understand,” I heard
myself say. “Good-bye, then, Nick. Thanks for finding my mom.”

I turned around to leave, but he didn’t let me. He pulled me back against him and hugged me, hard. So then I did cry. I leaned back, far enough to look in his eyes. I saw the resolve there and knew I wasn’t going to change his mind. I pulled away, opened the door, and walked out of the office, and then straight toward the door of the club. I felt Eli’s hand grab mine and saw Jamie out of the corner of my eye. They walked with me out of Nick’s club and into the night. Callie was already standing on the sidewalk, a small suitcase beside her.

“Are you ready to go home?” Jamie asked me.

I didn’t know whether
home
was the motel room with the seagulls or my room in Lina’s trailer back in Frostproof, but either way, I was ready. I nodded and let my weird little family take me away from the street in Miami where my heart had been broken twice in one night.

Frostproof, Florida — Monday, December 20

I knocked on Lina’s trailer door since I had a long-lost mother in tow. But she didn’t hear, so I let myself in. She and Liska were watching
Elf
— Lina lying on the couch and Liska on the floor.

“So, I went to Miami,” I announced.

“Yeah, got your note,” Lina said, not looking up.

“And I sort of found my mom.” That got their attention. “Lina and Liska, this is my mother.”

“Hi,” Callie said, giving a little wave.

Liska scrambled to her feet, and Lina sat up. I saw Liska locate the remote and hit the mute button. “It’s nice to meet you,” the sisters said almost in unison.

“Um, Lex? How
did
you get to Miami?” Lina asked. “And, uh, why was your mom there?”

“It’s a long story,” I told her. “Callie is going to stay for a … bit. If that’s okay. Can you think of a place …?”

“She can sleep here,” Lina said. “I can sleep at Liska’s.”

“No, I don’t want —” I began.

“I don’t want to put you out,” Callie said at the same time.

“No worries.” Lina flopped back down on the couch and unmuted the TV. “Why don’t you show your mom around?” She laughed then at Will Ferrell attacking the department store Santa, and I led Callie out of the trailer. In the off-season, these energetic circus people were seriously dedicated to the pursuit of the couch-and-remote lifestyle.

I was showing Callie the ring when we ran into Louie.

“You!” he said to her. “I know you. From the show people, right?”

Callie nodded. “Yes, Mr. Vrana. It’s good to see you again.”

I guess Louie
had
remembered a Callie, after all.

“Louie, please! It’s a shame that all didn’t work out,” he said, shaking his head. Then he seemed to notice me. “I should have remembered — you look so much alike. But you found her anyway. Good for you, Lexi! Such a clever girl, your daughter!”

“I really didn’t do anything,” I mumbled. I mean, I had driven to Miami, but I hadn’t been looking for Callie.

“Will you be here for the holiday, Mrs….?”

“Just call me Callie. And, yes, I’d like to stay, if it’s okay with you.”

“Of course! The more the merrier,” Louie said. “We will see you later!” He clapped Callie on the back, patted my head, and continued on his way.

I turned to Callie. “The show people? So you
were
here?”

Callie nodded. “For about a week. I was hired to perform in the show — Louie had hired a new director, and he was going to expand that part — I was going to sing and act in the skits. But the first week I was here, Louie and the guy he’d hired had a huge fight, and the guy walked off. And that was the end of that.”

“Well, not entirely,” I said archly. “I mean, here we are.”

“Good point.” Callie laughed.

On Christmas Eve day, Jamie managed to get Lina and Liska unglued from the couch, and the three of them brought Eli and me along on a Walmart run. We found another little tree, and Jamie found strings of one hundred lights for a dollar ninety-nine; he could not be restrained. When we got back he started stringing them everywhere. Lina and Liska brought Callie and me with them to help Louie with the cooking; we helped him make a giant turkey, about five kinds of potatoes, and then sugar cookies.

When I came out of Louie’s trailer, pleasantly tired and smelling of food, I saw that Jamie had rigged up the swings. I’d once told him they were my favorite ride. Jamie was blasting weird indie rock from my iPod out of one of the big Hurricane speakers. Louie didn’t even say anything
about the power Jamie was using as he rigged up the big generators.

I sat in the basket seat and watched the trees and Louie’s and Lina’s trailers swing around and around until the landscape was a blur. It was great up here, because the tears didn’t even have a chance to fall down my face; the wind just carried them away.

The speakers were playing Iron & Wine’s “The Trapeze Swinger.” Jamie had scrolled through my songs and picked it — probably for Lina. It was a sad song, and it made me cry even when I wasn’t a heartbroken mess on Christmas. I listened to the words on the super-powered speaker that was designed to be heard over the much-louder Hurricane and a ride full of screaming teenagers: “But please remember me, my misery, and how it lost me all I wanted,” Sam sang, and I cried for what I had never known about my parents, and what I hadn’t even known I’d lost. And I cried for losing and finding Eli again, and for what I had dared to hope for with Nick.

Jamie stopped the ride as the song ended, and I put my feet on the ground. He took one look at my face and said to Eli, “Well, that was an awesome idea.”

We ate outside at the big folding table. Tonight for our Christmas Eve feast, there was lots of extra space, though Louie and his daughters had pretty much covered every inch of the table’s surface with bowls and platters of food. I didn’t
notice that the silent Eddie had reappeared until I looked down the table and saw him going to town on a turkey leg.

The night was warm and clear, and the Walmart twinkle lights added a festive air to the party. My Christmas playlist was playing. I sat between Callie and Eli. Lina and Louie were teasing Liska, and their laughter was infectious. I smiled at Callie when she turned to pass me the third kind of potatoes. I didn’t feel normal around her yet. But losing Gavin had led, in a strange and complicated way, to getting her back. It was sort of a Christmas miracle.

I didn’t let myself think too much about what she had told me about my dad. It was exhausting, all this compartmentalizing and managing of my brain. I felt like I could sleep for a week. And all these potatoes and the tryptophan in the turkey were probably not going to help. Then again, sleeping for a week sounded kind of nice. And I was, for the moment, on hiatus.

I heard Jamie’s distinctive laugh and looked up to see him majorly flirting with Lina. I had called
that
a long time ago.

When most of us were done eating (except Eddie), Jamie stood up and pulled Lina along with him, spinning her around expertly. My mix had landed on “Winter Wonderland” by the Cocteau Twins, and the sweet and ethereal song was perfect for the graceful couple Jamie and Lina made. I laughed as I watched Louie drag his other daughter to her feet, and they joined in, though they made a less well-matched and graceful pair.

Eli stood beside me. “Dance with me, Lexi?” I heard him ask, his voice low.

I turned around to look at him: my best friend. I had really believed I’d lost him forever, that he would remain a sore spot I would have to avoid for the rest of my life. But he had come here to find me, had missed Hanukkah with his own family, and was now here in this field celebrating Christmas with what was left of mine. I took his hand and let him lead me to where the others were dancing.

The song changed, and “Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues came on. Eli took me carefully in his arms, and I heard him say under his breath, “Perfect.” It’s a sweet-sounding song that takes a dark turn.

We didn’t dance like we were contestants on
Dancing with the Stars
, like Jamie and Lina, nor as exuberantly as Louie and Liska. It felt strange to raise my arms up to rest on Eli’s shoulders. We hadn’t been that close together since that night. The memory of that night was so intertwined with what had happened later, it was no wonder I had stayed away from him.

“I wasn’t sure you’d say yes,” Eli said, his voice still low in my ear. “Of course, I wasn’t sure you were ever going to talk to me again,” he said, his tone light, though I sensed the tension beneath his words. “It was touch and go there for a while.”

“But you stayed,” I told him. He nodded, but did not speak. Instead, in response he pulled me closer against him, his hands tightening on my waist. I was wearing my little
black cotton dress in honor of the occasion, and I had even used Lina’s curling iron to add ringlets to my hair. I thought at the time I’d been trying to get in the holiday spirit by looking pretty for a change. Now I was afraid that wasn’t the only reason. Either some stupid corner of my heart still hoped that Nick would pull one of his sudden appearing acts, or I’d been thinking of Eli. Or worse: both.

Eli pulled me even tighter to him, putting his hand behind my neck and gently resting my head against his chest. I felt my pulse start to race faster. What was the matter with me? Why did Eli still have this effect on me?

I pulled my head from his shoulder, but gently, not breaking away from him, or the spell of the dance, completely. “You broke my heart, you know,” I told him.

He nodded, his jaw tense, his eyes dark on mine. “I broke mine, too, that morning. And then you were gone, and I couldn’t even tell you …” His voice trailed off. I realized all of a sudden that we weren’t dancing anymore, just standing close together, arms around each other. I looked around quickly and saw that everyone else had vanished, back into Louie’s trailer. Jamie had even turned the volume on the music down low.

“Will you ever be able to really forgive me?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “It’s more complicated than that. You left me before I ran out that morning.”

He sighed. “I know,” he said. “At the time, I was stupid. I wanted both of you.” His voice had dropped so low, I almost couldn’t hear him.

“I can’t imagine what that’s like,” I said dryly, deliberately lightening the mood a little, and at the same time reminding him that since he’d been out of the picture there had been someone else for me, too.

“We can’t stay here forever,” he said.

“I know,” I told him. “But New York isn’t home in the way it used to be. Things won’t ever be the same again — for me, at least.”

“But the city’s still your home,” he pressed. “You can still go to college, like you planned. Callie will help you — and I’ll help you.”

I nodded, feeling hollow. There were two holes in my chest now. The one I had been carrying around since Gavin died seemed to have expanded. And then there was the one Nick Tarus had made.

“I don’t know what I want to do,” I heard myself tell Eli. “I don’t know anything anymore.”

Eli drew me close again for a hug. I guess he looked at his watch, too, because he told me, “Hey — it’s midnight.” I looked up at him, and he whispered, “Merry Christmas, Lexi.” And we started dancing again.