Read Texts from Jane Eyre Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
it’s not a hospital, Peter
I am old but I am not dying
right right
well
i can’t come in the house cos i haven’t been invited
Oh
ahh sorry but thats like how my powers work
Is that not true of vampires?
well yeah
vampires and me too
I invite you in, Peter
I invite you
Come sit with me and talk a while
ahhh sorry new phone who is this
The Great Gatsby
Part II
Hi Nick
Daisy
what time is it?
mmm
Late
where are you?
You
You are going to laugh at this
am I really
well obviously not if you choose to be a dick about it
you probably won’t laugh then
but I can’t help that
what do you want
i need a ride
where are you
remember that valley with ashes in it
I remember
basically just there
I’m leaving now
oh also
you should call the police
somebody’s dead here
somebody’s dead?
who’s dead?
dead from what?
oh i don’t know
we weren’t close or anything
looks like they’ve been hit by a car
would that be your car, do you think?
can’t say
hard to tell
definitely A car, though
tell you what
you just come out here and get me
and somebody else can call the police
Part IV
Sweet Valley High
Jess are you there?
yeah I’m here
Where were you?
what do you mean
Did you not get any of my texts?
no
The Sweet Sixteen people were here
for the interview about the fundraiser
they already came?
you weren’t here
so I tried to do the best I could without you
Oh I know I was awful
I’m sure they won’t print anything I said
I’m so sorry you couldn’t make it
hey Liz
Yeah?
do you ever catch anything
when you’re fishing
for compliments
oh my god
oh my god they’re not moving, Jess
I think they’re both dead
Jesus Christ God
they’re dead, they’re dead
the car flipped and nobody’s moving
oh my god
well
you wouldn’t spike the punch like I asked!!
so I had to spike it myself
WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT
ohhh my godddd i don’t KNOW
something from a jar??
haha i mean booze obviously
booze from a jar
but i don’t knooooww
that’s why I asked you to do it
I would never have helped you if I knew you were going to do
something like this
then I guess you don’t have what it takes to be
Jungle Prom Queen
which
is that the same thing as regular prom queen?
haha what kind of school has two proms
anyhow I thought Bruce looked crazy hot tonight
do you think he has a date for the next prom?
Bruce is dead
they’re all dead
yeah he didn’t look that good tonight I guess
Oh, Jess
I hate New York sometimes
I miss Sweet Valley so much
oh my god I know
they don’t even have a Dairi Burger there!!!
what kind of a city
It’s just so empty
Like this morning at the coffee shop
I really felt like the interaction I had with the waitress
when I asked if they had any stevia
lacked authenticity
I sure wish this news internship were over already
but who knows when they’ll be done having news here
haha remember Mom
I knew you’d understand, anyhow
remember Dad
what happened to them
where do they go all the time
Jess
Jess where are you
haha what
the pep rally is in a few minutes and we need you for the pyramid
oh that
something tells me we’re not going to be cheering much tonight
what do you mean
let’s just say
we won’t have to worry about those jerks at Big Mesa anymore
Jessica what did you do?
let’s just say their plans to trash
the field after the big game have
“gone up in smoke”
Jessica
what did you do
let’s just say their “gym”
is “on fire”
with SVH spirit
hey do you want to go to the Dairi Burger?
I’m all hungry
and covered in ash
The Outsiders
hey how do you pronounce “Soc”
What?
i mean is it like “sock”
because it looks like that’s how you’d say it
but in my head I think of it as being pronounced “soash”
huh
like rhymes with cloche
I guess that makes sense
why do I even know what a cloche is
what kind of a gang is this
what do you mean
i mean i feel like we’re different from other gangs
different how
i don’t know i guess
we’re just a bunch of regular beautiful guys who like to
read poetry and get in knife fights
yeah
yessir
nothing like putting your hair in place
stabbing a rich guy
then talking about Robert Frost in an attic with another guy
if that’s different, then i guess i’m different
no you’re right
man you know who i hate
who
guys with green eyes
or i guess
MOST guys with green eyes
would you say my eyes are greenish-gray, or grayish-green
i don’t know
your eyes are icy blue, so they’re always icy blue
but sometimes my eyes are more greenish-gray than
grayish-green
which i think is better
huh
hey do you want to come over and watch the sunset
yeah okay
i guess so
okay great
i mean it’s the same sunset as the one at your house
so don’t expect anything big
i won’t
i really think they’re more grayish-green right now than
anything else
yeah maybe
not green like Darry’s anyhow
they’re green like ice, but bluer than that
I really need to update my eye color journal
your what?
see you soon for the sunset!!!