Texts from Jane Eyre (18 page)

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Authors: Mallory Ortberg

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 it’s not a hospital, Peter
 
I am old but I am not dying

 right right
well
 i can’t come in the house cos i haven’t been invited

 Oh 

 ahh sorry but thats like how my powers work 

 Is that not true of vampires? 

 well yeah
 vampires and me too

 I invite you in, Peter
I invite you
 
Come sit with me and talk a while

 ahhh sorry new phone who is this 

The Great Gatsby

Part II

 Hi Nick 

 Daisy
 
what time is it?

 mmm
 Late

 where are you? 

 You
 You are going to laugh at this

 am I really 

 well obviously not if you choose to be a dick about it
you probably won’t laugh then
 but I can’t help that

 what do you want 

 i need a ride 

 where are you 

 remember that valley with ashes in it 

 I remember 

 basically just there 

 I’m leaving now 

 oh also
you should call the police
 somebody’s dead here

 somebody’s dead?
who’s dead?
 
dead from what?

 oh i don’t know
we weren’t close or anything
 looks like they’ve been hit by a car

 would that be your car, do you think? 

 can’t say
hard to tell
definitely A car, though
tell you what
you just come out here and get me
 and somebody else can call the police

Part IV

Sweet Valley High

 Jess are you there? 

 yeah I’m here 

 Where were you? 

 what do you mean 

 Did you not get any of my texts? 

 no 

 The Sweet Sixteen people were here
 
for the interview about the fundraiser

 they already came? 

 you weren’t here
so I tried to do the best I could without you
Oh I know I was awful
I’m sure they won’t print anything I said
 
I’m so sorry you couldn’t make it

 hey Liz 

 Yeah? 

 do you ever catch anything
when you’re fishing
 for compliments

 oh my god
oh my god they’re not moving, Jess
I think they’re both dead
Jesus Christ God
they’re dead, they’re dead
the car flipped and nobody’s moving
 
oh my god

 well
you wouldn’t spike the punch like I asked!!
 so I had to spike it myself

 WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT 

 ohhh my godddd i don’t KNOW
something from a jar??
haha i mean booze obviously
booze from a jar
but i don’t knooooww
 that’s why I asked you to do it

 I would never have helped you if I knew you were going to do
 
something like this

 then I guess you don’t have what it takes to be
Jungle Prom Queen
which
is that the same thing as regular prom queen?
haha what kind of school has two proms
anyhow I thought Bruce looked crazy hot tonight
 do you think he has a date for the next prom?

 Bruce is dead
 
they’re all dead

 yeah he didn’t look that good tonight I guess 

 Oh, Jess
I hate New York sometimes
 
I miss Sweet Valley so much

 oh my god I know
they don’t even have a Dairi Burger there!!!
 what kind of a city

 It’s just so empty
Like this morning at the coffee shop
I really felt like the interaction I had with the waitress
when I asked if they had any stevia
lacked authenticity
I sure wish this news internship were over already
 
but who knows when they’ll be done having news here

 haha remember Mom 

 I knew you’d understand, anyhow 

 remember Dad
what happened to them
 where do they go all the time

 Jess
 
Jess where are you

 haha what 

 the pep rally is in a few minutes and we need you for the pyramid 

 oh that
 something tells me we’re not going to be cheering much tonight

 what do you mean 

 let’s just say
 we won’t have to worry about those jerks at Big Mesa anymore

 Jessica what did you do? 

 let’s just say their plans to trash
the field after the big game have
 “gone up in smoke”

 Jessica
 
what did you do

 let’s just say their “gym”
is “on fire”
with SVH spirit
hey do you want to go to the Dairi Burger?
I’m all hungry
 and covered in ash

The Outsiders

 hey how do you pronounce “Soc” 

 What? 

 i mean is it like “sock”
because it looks like that’s how you’d say it
 but in my head I think of it as being pronounced “soash”

 huh 

 like rhymes with cloche 

 I guess that makes sense 

 why do I even know what a cloche is
 what kind of a gang is this

 what do you mean 

 i mean i feel like we’re different from other gangs 

 different how 

 i don’t know i guess 

 we’re just a bunch of regular beautiful guys who like to
read poetry and get in knife fights
yeah
yessir
nothing like putting your hair in place
stabbing a rich guy
then talking about Robert Frost in an attic with another guy
 
if that’s different, then i guess i’m different

 no you’re right 

 man you know who i hate 

 who 

 guys with green eyes
or i guess
MOST guys with green eyes
 would you say my eyes are greenish-gray, or grayish-green

 i don’t know 

 your eyes are icy blue, so they’re always icy blue
but sometimes my eyes are more greenish-gray than
grayish-green
 which i think is better

 huh 

 hey do you want to come over and watch the sunset 

 yeah okay
 
i guess so

 okay great
i mean it’s the same sunset as the one at your house
 so don’t expect anything big

 i won’t 

 i really think they’re more grayish-green right now than
 anything else

 yeah maybe 

 not green like Darry’s anyhow
they’re green like ice, but bluer than that
 I really need to update my eye color journal

 your what? 

 see you soon for the sunset!!! 

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