Teleport This (4 page)

“Well, then please allow me to officially welcome you to Earth. My name is Simon and I’m sorry I was asleep when you arrived. What do we do…how does this start?”

“We start with a nice meal, my treat, and then some conversation followed by you recommending the best hotel in town.”

“Your treat? You have money?” Simon queried.

“Of course, we’re always sent into the field well prepared. I have a driver’s license, a few credit cards and some cash. Everything one would need for a short vacation on Earth.”

“Are you familiar with Earth food? Is there anything particular you would like to try?”

“Yes, I think I would like to try Italian food.”

“Really, Italian?”

“Yes indeed, while I was researching your planet I came across a few articles on animal rights and one of the things they were up in arms about is the treatment of calves in the production of veal.”

“And this is something that would interest you?”

“Well, you see, the unethical treatment of animals is an indication of how one civilization might treat another. It’s just something we like to look into.”

So a few hours later, after a nice dinner of veal saltimbocca, Jon sat back and said, “Damn well worth torturing those little buggers if the outcome is going to taste this good! Can’t fault anyone except the cows for being delicious.” The truth is that Jon didn’t give a tinker’s cuss about the plight of animals or animal rights activists, he’s just one of those people that likes to try new foods and for some reason veal got his attention. “You know, they're not treated that much differently than chickens. Chickens just aren’t nearly as cute so no one cares as much.”

“More wine, Jon?” asked Simon.

“Yes, please. I must say this has been a most enjoyable meal.”

“Would you mind if I took this opportunity to ask you a few questions?”

“Not at all, my friend.”

“What’s it like?”

“The universe?” asked Jon. “Believe it or not, it’s not much different out there than here. Earth has different nations with very different cultures and the universe has different planets with very different cultures. You see, a planet’s overall culture usually settles out one or two hundred years after some easily accessible form of high speed travel emerges. This allows the so-called strange to become common place. Like kung-fu fighting, I mean the martial art, not the song, though the song’s a good example too. Either way, travel to any corner of your globe and you’ll find a kung-fu master and someone will probably know the song there as well. Food’s an even better example. I hear that Japan now has some of the better French and Italian restaurants.”

“How do you know so much about Earth?” asked Simon. “I mean stuff like the Kung-Fu Fighting song.”

“Knowledge is easily implanted into the brain,” said Jon. “The hard part is not filling up and being able to quickly sort it. It’s like your DVR, there’s only so much space and a hell of a lot of good shows on. Folks in my line of work have a memory expansion implant so we store all this extra info without overloading our brain.”

“And your speech? It’s so good I would never think you’re not from Earth. Another implant?”

“Same implant with a speech app loaded in. As any linguist would tell you, language is just a verbal expression of common experiences colored by local colloquialisms. The app automatically translates my thoughts into English and it chooses the correct phrase from hundreds stored in memory. For example, if we were in a hurry and I was to tell you to ‘put the pedal to the metal’, my mind is thinking ‘please go as fast as possible’ and the app is supplying the correct local phrase.”

“Cool,” said Simon and, thanks to the implant, Jon’s brain interpreted it as ‘nicely impressive technology.’ “You seem human, are you human?”

“Yes, give or take a few gene strands, I am human. One hundred percent of intelligent life in the universe is human-based. Some diversity here and there, but it can all be reduced to the same basic model.”

“That’s incredible,” Simon said as he poured more wine. He was quickly discovering that, like most people, Jon became more talkative when inebriated. “And people teleport to wherever they want to go?”

“Not exactly. For one thing, it requires a teleport station at both ends so you just can’t travel between any two random points. It’s a little like your subway system; there’s a network of stations that get you close to where you want to be, but after that you might need a taxi, bus or spaceship to finish your journey.”

“Still, it’s all very impressive,” commented Simon. “And you have spaceships that go faster than the speed of light?”

“Oh, sure. Once you understand how a black hole retains information, anything is possible.”

“And all the life out there is the same?”

“Not all, just the humans are what we term intelligent. All types of strange critters in the lower forms. Look back at this planet’s fossil record of the plant and animal life that has come and gone and you’ll get an idea of what’s out there.”

“But all life is carbon-based?”

“Yup,” replied Jon. “Now it’s time for me to ask you a very important question.”

Simon prepared himself, “Go ahead, I’m ready.”

“Know any girls?”

5.

“Wake up, Sunshine.”

Gilbert heard the unexpected female voice and immediately opened his eyes. What Gilbert saw next caused him to close and reopen his eyes a few more times along with some added head shaking.

“Hello,” he said, remembering his manners.

“Hello, Gilbert. My name is Ellie.”

“Hello, Ellie.” Gilbert looked Ellie up and down. “Are you a robot?”

“Not really, not by the classical definition. I’m an extension of this facility and controlled directly by its main computer. I’m more like a remote controlled automaton being operated by a computer program, if that helps. Move me far enough away from here and I won’t do much, just stand around and wait for a control signal.”

“But you are…mechanical?”

“Oh yeah, nothing squishy inside this girl.”

“And you’re female?”

“Jon thought a female persona would help you adjust to the situation.”

Gilbert was developing a bad feeling about this. “What situation? Where is Jon?”

“Jon went to Earth to begin the invasion.”

“What!” screamed Gilbert.

“Sorry, couldn’t resist. Jon said you were easy. You should see your face,” laughed Ellie, “we’re going to put together a video montage later on.”

“Was that supposed to be some kind of joke? You’re a computer, you’re not supposed to be doing things like that.”

“You need to remember who programmed my interface. And hey, I like a good joke just as much as the next guy.”

Thanks a lot Jon, thought Gilbert. “So where is Jon?”

“Well, he really did go to Earth, but before we go any further, I need to tell you that Jon is not what he seems.”

“That’s good because he seems like a pompous, arrogant jerk that would sell out his own mother if it would save his skin,” said Gilbert.

“Really? Then he’s exactly what he seems.”

“Okay, but is he a pompous, arrogant jerk that’s invading the Earth or not?”

“If he is then it’s an invasion force of one. Truthfully, I think he’s using it as an escape route. You see, the only reason Jon is at the ICC is to keep him under protective custody. Jon got involved with some pretty mean people that deal in the sale of illegal weapons and such. This seemed to be the best place to hide him since it’s built like a fortress. Unfortunately, the bad guys are very well organized and extremely well funded.”

“Are you saying that the bad guys are as powerful as the good guys? That doesn’t sound right.”

“It’s kind of an inverse gestalt thing. You see, we have a lot of law on a lot of planets that take care of themselves, but we have very little law that focuses on the things that happen in-between planets. This has inadvertently fostered crime syndicates that operate independent of planetary governments and nobody really goes after them, each planet just cleans up after its own mess. So the major planets have organized themselves into a Federation and put together an intergalactic police force designed to go after these intergalactic thugs.”

“And how’s that been working out?” asked Gilbert, expecting the worst.

“Pretty good, up until a few hours ago. The bad guys have discovered Jon’s here, or was here, and hacked into my system. By the time I noticed it, they had already disabled my ability to call for help and shut down the teleports. Pretty capable folks. I don’t care what you say about them, you’ve got to be impressed”

“I’d rather be impressed with your ability to get me the hell out of here.”

“Don’t worry, Jon and I have put together a plan that should protect you.”

“Great, so you’re sending me back to Earth?”

“Remember when you likened Jon to a pompous, arrogant jerk that would sell his own mother if it would save his skin?”

“Yes.”

“Well, this is the part where he lives up to that description. He’s deleted all information about Earth from my system so that he can’t be followed or traced there and I can’t send you back. He’s left you here to take the heat.”

“That’s the plan?” Gilbert screamed.

“One for the montage,” said Ellie. “Not the entire plan, no. I’m going to take care of you here and not let the bad people get you. And when everything has blown over, we’ll send you back to Earth.”

“How will you be able to do that if all the data about Earth has been deleted?”

“I’m not sure, since Jon deleted that part of the plan as well.”

“And you’ll be able to do all this even though they’re hacking your system apart?”

“Sure, trust me. I’ve already partitioned myself into multiple aspects and we only need one to keep things going. Remember, this facility was built to stop an invasion force. I think I can handle these guys.”

Famous last words, thought Gilbert.

“I tell you, Bret, this is one tough nut to crack.”

“But crack it you will or I might decide that you’re not worth what I’ve been paying you all these years. Then I take my refund out of your spine.”

“Now why do you feel the need to threaten me like that? I was just making conversation. No need to go all hostile on me. Somebody wasn’t hugged enough as a kid.”

“Listen, Stace, it took three years for me to reach that point with my therapist and if you keep bringing it up, I’m going to stop sharing. Just ignore me when I say things like that to you. You know I don’t mean nothing.”

“You say that now, but I saw you rip out Bobo’s spine.”

“He was a wise guy, plus I found out he was sleeping with my wife.”

Stace made a mental note to stop sleeping with his friend’s wife. “Anyways, I’m almost there.”

“Good, Macnair has been driving me crazy about this.”

“Got it. Call him and let him know I’m in.”

“About time, I was just getting ready to inspire you to work faster by hitting your foot with this hammer.”

“That’s it, I can’t work like this any longer. I’m gonna talk with the boss about moving to a different crew.”

“Just ignore it, will you! I’m under a lot of stress.” Bret called Macnair. “Hi boss, ya, we’re in the ICC.”

“Great,” said Macnair, “come on up to my office, I’ve got a little more work for you to do.”

A few minutes later, Stace and Bret were in Macnair’s office. “I want you guys to go on a short trip and bring Jon back here.” The office door opened and Macnair nodded to the person entering the room. “I’m putting Hal in charge of this operation and I want you guys to do whatever he says. Understand?”

“Sure thing, boss,” came their response.

“Great,” said Macnair. "Stace, you’ve been looking at this, what’ve you got?”

“Not much, boss. Can’t get any plans or layout of the place. I'm not sure of its defenses, other than they’re state-of-the-art. I've hacked into their system and got a little that will get us there, but then we’re on our own."

"Looks like we’re going to be free-wheeling this operation,” said Hal.

“Okay, I understand,” said Mcnair. “If you can, you bring Jon back. If he stays, he stays there dead. Clear?”

Hal, Bret and Stace moved off into another room to continue their planning. “You’re sure you’ve got the correct teleport codes?” Hal asked.

“Near as I can tell,” said Stace. “I got pretty deep into the system. I found a program that gave bogus codes putting you outside the building if the requestor didn’t pass the security check so I think we got the goods.”

“Any luck disabling the teleport’s weapons protocol?” asked Hal.

“None at all,” said Stace. “I couldn’t find anything. I’m starting to think it’s hardwired into the system. It’ll just be us and our clothes going through. Nothing the ICC would consider a weapon will make it.”