Tears of Endurance (Romantic Drama) Book #1 (12 page)

Chapter twenty

Arianna had been feeling under the weather lately, she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. She was off her food and some days she woke up suffering from nausea. She was beginning to wonder if she’d picked up a virus. She’d finally gotten around to making a doctor’s appointment, just for a routine check up. She convinced herself she’d been working way too hard and not sleeping nearly enough since meeting Ben. She had glided through the last several months on adrenalin.

As she walked into the busy surgery and took a seat in the far corner of the room, she glanced around at all the people waiting to be seen. Mostly old people
; she wondered at their lives and if they were happy. Ageing had always fascinated Arianna; she wasn’t afraid of growing old but she was afraid of growing old alone.

“
Miss Ferria, room four please,” said a voice over the speaker.

Arianna nervously made her way to Dr Price
’s room, took a seat, and waited patiently while he flicked through his notes.

“
Okay, Miss Ferria, what can I do for you today?”

Arianna explained what was wrong and how she
’d been feeling for some time. She told him about her nausea, her lack of appetite and lacklustre energy. After hearing Arianna’s list of ailments, he started writing in his notes and then looked up.

Arianna waited patiently for his advice.
“When was your last period?”

Arianna was perplexed by his question, coming out of the blue as it did. She did a mental calculation in her head and then realised it had been five weeks.

“It was five weeks ago,” she replied nervously.

Dr Price asked Arianna a few more questions and once he
’d finished writing in her notes, he glanced up at her.

“
Okay, Miss Ferria, I will need you to take a pregnancy test for me today to confirm my thoughts. Are you okay with that?”

Arianna was confused. She was not sure what she had been expecting but it certainly wasn
’t a pregnancy test. She thought he would prescribe her some pills, and then bid her good day. But having calculated her last period and discovering it was five weeks ago, she suddenly felt like she was standing on a precipice, about to free fall.

“
Yes, that’s fine. So do you think I may be pregnant, Dr Price?”

“
It’s likely, however, I cannot confirm for sure until I have your pregnancy results. I will need you to provide me with a urine sample. The test is very accurate and we shall have your results in ten minutes.” Dr Price buzzed for the nurse, who came promptly and showed Arianna to another room. A few minutes later, Arianna was sitting in front of Dr. Price once again. Shifting on her seat nervously, she felt like she’d been thrown into the twilight zone.
This just can’t be real
, she thought to herself, starting to panic inwardly while trying, with all she had, to remain calm on the surface.

A few minutes later, the nurse came back into the room with Arianna
’s results. She handed them to Dr. Price and promptly left the room.

“
Miss Ferria, I can confirm you’re pregnant, congratulations.” Arianna was frozen to the spot, she could not react either way. She suddenly felt frightened and vulnerable. She was no longer standing on a precipice, she was now free falling.

“
I will need to ask you a few questions, Miss Ferria.”

Arianna simply nodded.

“Okay, firstly, I will need to weigh you and take your blood pressure.” Arianna followed the doctor’s instructions on auto pilot now, like a robot performing its programmed instructions. Finally, she was asked a series of questions and then given care advice.

“
I will forward your details to your chosen hospital and they will be in touch in due course with your three-month scan details. In the meantime, I am sure you don’t need reminding to take good care of yourself.”

Once the doctor was happy with her answers and ticked all his boxes, he bid her good day and buzzed for his next patient. Arianna slowly walked out of the surgery, in a daze.
I was only off my food, how did that translate to being pregnant?
An image of Ben flashed through her mind and blind panic swept through her entire body.

She needed to think, she needed time alone to digest the information. Maybe the doctor was wrong
; after all, they can make mistakes. She made her way to the local chemist on the high street where she purchased a Clear Blue pregnancy kit. She needed to see it for herself. Not that she was discounting the doctor’s examination, it was more a ‘see it to believe it’ confirmation for herself. She was panicking, what would she tell Ben? How would she tell Ben? They had only recently gotten onto the subject of moving in together and had never discussed the possibility of children.

Arianna dashed back to her house and ran upstairs. She tore the cellophane wrapper off the oblong box and took out the pregnancy kit, which was a pen-like object she needed to wee on and then wait one minute for the result.

She sat on the edge of the bath staring obsessively at the stick, waiting to see if two pink lines appeared in the little windows. One minute felt like a lifetime, then she saw the windows of the stick changing. A definite pink line appeared in both windows, indicating she was pregnant.
Oh God, this can’t be happening
, cried Arianna with her head buried in her hands. She was worried about Ben’s reaction; she had no way of knowing how he was going to take the news. As the truth of her situation started to sink in and the shock started to wear off, Arianna began to think more clearly.

Her fears were not because she didn
’t want a child or become a mother, her worry was that Ben may not be ready to become a father, or that he may never have wanted to be a father and this would all be too much for him. Never in a million years did she expect to find herself pregnant, she wasn’t taking the pill but they had both been very careful, or so she thought. She decided to keep the news to herself for a few days until she’d gotten used to the idea herself, and then she would tell Ben. She placed her hand over her stomach and glanced at the image staring back at her through the full-length mirror.

Chapter twenty one

On Wednesday morning, Ben awakened, feeling like he hadn’t slept at all. He attempted to climb out of bed and then came over all dizzy. He steadied himself on the bedside table and paused for a few moments before straightening up completely. On attempting to move again, Ben’s vision became blurred and then everything went black. It was several minutes before Ben opened his eyes and found himself lying on the floor. For the first time since his accident, he was really concerned. It made no sense. Why now, he thought, as he searched for his phone and dialled the hospital in a blind panic.

Dr Shepherd agreed to see him later that day, as he had a cancellation. He advised Ben not to drive but to jump into a taxi, just in case he got dizzy again. A couple of hours later, Ben was sitting opposite Dr Shepherd in his office.

“I will need to perform a neurological exam, Ben, which will provide me with information that will help me determine what’s going on with you right now regarding your vision, hearing, strength, sensation, balance, reflexes and ability to think and remember. Okay, Ben.”

Ben nodded in acknowledgement.
“I understand, Dr Shepherd. Whenever you’re ready.”

Dr Shepherd performed his tests to assess Ben
’s symptoms. He failed a few of the key tests and Dr Shepherd was confident Ben needed an MRI scan. “Okay Ben, I am going to send you downstairs for an MRI scan. It won’t take too long, are you okay with that?”

“
Yes sure, is there anything to be concerned about?”

“
Until I see the scan, I cannot confirm anything.”

“
Okay, let’s do it then.”

“
I would just like to explain a few things to you first before you go for your scan, Ben. Although you’ve had one before, you were unconscious at the time. An MRI scan takes pictures from all directions, Ben. Contrast agents, usually gadolinium, are used to delineate the lesion. These are usually injected in to the arm during the scan. This has made some of our patients feel sick, but this could be due to the thought of the injection. Needles are scary things to many people. The scan will last about 45 minutes and can be rather noisy. Just a word of warning, Ben; it may be a little cold in the MRI room so you may want to leave your jacket on. You will need to take off any jewellery and anything else metal. The nurse will go through everything with you thoroughly before you go in. We will have the results for you later today. The NHS takes around two weeks to inform their patients of MRI results, but privately, here at Westview, we do the scan and reporting on the same day.”

Ben followed Dr Shepherd to the reception where he was greeted by a nurse. He followed her as she guided him to the scanning room.
“Okay, Ben, this is our radiographer, who will be performing the scan for you today. I know it all looks pretty daunting but it’s completely painless and you can have earphones on for the duration and you can listen to the radio if you prefer,” advised the nurse.

“
Yes, I think I will, thank you.”

Ben looked over towards the MRI scanning machine, which was a tunnel about 1.5 meters long, surrounded by a large circular magnet.
“Ben, can you please remove any metal objects, jewellery, watches, earrings, and even your jeans if they have studs or metal on them,” asked the nurse in a calming voice.

Ben removed his belt, watch, and shoes.
“Okay, Ben, in a moment I would like you to lie on the couch which will then slide into the scanner. A receiving device, like an Ariel, is placed behind you. This will detect the radio signals emitted from your body. While each picture is being taken, you need to remain still for a few minutes, otherwise the scan picture may be blurred, okay?”

Ben was feeling very worried now. Thoughts of his recurring nightmare flooded his mind as he climbed onto the scanning couch and waited nervously for it to slide into the tunnel. He chose to close his eyes and focus on Arianna. This had a calming effect on him and he was able to relax a little more for the duration while listening to the radio.

The radiographer sat in his control room next to the scanner and observed through the window. Finally, 40 minutes later, it was all over and all Ben had to do was wait patiently for the results in the comfortable waiting room. Panic was setting in now. He had a terribly bad feeling seeping through his veins. He couldn’t settle, so he stood up and paced the waiting room for over an hour before giving in to his tired weakened legs and sitting back down.

Finally Ben was called in to Dr Shepherd
’s office. He made the short walk with great anticipation for the outcome, his thoughts tormenting his clouded mind.

“
Ben, please take a seat.”

Dr Shepherd was uncomfortably silent, the look on his face not instilling confidence in Ben at all. He knew instantly it was not a good prognosis.

“Ben, I’m afraid I have rather bad news.” Dr Shepherd fell silent for a few moments to let his words sink in before continuing. “We have located a large tumour.”

“
Okay, well, you can operate, can’t you? I have been through surgery before, it’s not the end of the world.”

“
Ben, the tumour is inoperable. There’s nothing we can do, I’m so sorry,” said

Dr Shepherd with a sad look on his face.
“Ben, I am going to break the consultation into stages, diagnosis, implications, treatment, prognosis, and terminal care.”

The reality of Ben
’s truth hit him like a sledgehammer.

“
If this is all too much to take in, Ben, you can go home, let the information digest and come back with a family member in a couple of days. I will schedule an appointment and I highly recommend you bring someone with you,” advised Dr Shepherd.

Ben was no longer listening.
“This can’t be happening to me. I am not ready to die. You must have someone else’s results, please, check them again,” pleaded Ben.

“
You are more than welcome to a second opinion, Ben. I know what a shock this must be for you, I’m so sorry.”

The realisation of his truth was beginning to take root. He requested a further look at the scan. He was dying and there was nothing he could do to alter his fate. Thoughts of Arianna flooded his mind as a single tear fell down his cheek. He was on a road without a junction
; there was no crossroads to take him in any direction other than the route displayed on the signs. His path had been determined the day of the accident, he knew that now. It was a straight road, one without diversions, not even a lay-by in which to pull over for a short while. If he was honest with himself, he’d known all along that something was off. He just didn’t want to face it.

His thoughts drifted to his upcoming proposal to Arianna. He sat for a while, alone in the corridor, crying to himself. He had been stripped of his future. He decided he would not follow through with his proposal, though he knew there were many that would have. Ben didn
’t want to make Arianna a widow.

Ben finally forced himself to stand up. He left the hospital with a heavy heart and a confused mind and caught a taxi home. He was advised against driving going forward. He felt like he was between worlds, caught up in the twilight zone or some other parallel universe. He wondered for a brief moment if he had cheated death by surviving the accident; was this karma playing its cruel hand? His dream, the recurring night terror of his own demise, he was now living it. He had cheated death and now death had come for him. He wasn’t thinking clearly, he wanted a drink, not just one, but enough so he didn’t have to remember why, what if, Arianna, Tristan and Charlie. He didn’t want to think about any of them right now. He wanted to drown it all out so he couldn’t process another single thought. Enough to drown the pain that was more palpable than any physical pain he had endured. A pain that was clawing into every vein in his body, digging in so deep it was unbearable. He wanted to live, he was not ready to die, but fate had played its hand and his time was up. Six months maximum, the doctor advised, at Ben’s insistence. It was a conservative guess, it could be a couple of months either way.

He would be in hospital towards the end
; he would need medication to make his last days more comfortable. This information was unfathomable. He was going to drink himself to oblivion and take this night for himself. This very night, no one else knows, he would be spared of all the sympathy, the tilting heads, and the awkward silences. Tonight he was just Ben.

Ben felt his mobile phone vibrating. It was Arianna
; he pressed the reject call button and turned his phone off. He couldn’t face anyone right now. He climbed out of the taxi and walked into his apartment building in a daze. He caught the lift to the top and let himself into his apartment. Charlie walked slowly over to Ben, not his usual bounding self. “You already know, don’t you, boy?” Ben slid down the side of the door and sat on the floor. Charlie lay beside him and rested his head on Ben’s lap, looking up at Ben with his big sad eyes and whimpering.

An hour passed by before Ben realised he was still sitting on the floor. Nothing seemed to matter anymore, time was inconsequential now. He went into the kitchen and reached for the whisky bottle sitting on the top shelf of the cupboard. Grabbing a glass, he walked out onto the balcony. He just wanted to forget the day, he wanted it to melt away like a bad dream. He gulped down the first glass in one go and then poured another, then another and then another. He wasn
’t feeling much of anything by the time dusk was setting in. He felt numb and it felt good. Devoid of feeling for now, he walked back into the lounge and put a CD on, playing it full blast.

Ben woke up the following morning with a pounding headache. His landline was bleeping, indicating there were messages. He picked it up, pulled it from the wall, and threw it across the room. He forced himself to get up and take a shower
; he needed a clear head before he could face Tristan. He was about to rip the bottom from the world of the two people he loved most.

Tristan took the stairs to Ben
’s apartment two by two as usual. He was concerned as Ben had not replied to his messages the night before and Arianna had called him, asking him if he’d heard from Ben. Tristan knocked on the door and waited for Ben to answer.

“
Where the hell have you been, Ben? Arianna has been worried about you, she tried to contact you several times last night on your mobile and landline.”

“
Sit down, Tristan.”

“
What do you mean sit down? Where were you, Ben?”

“
For God’s sake, will you just sit down, Tristan. There is something I need to tell you. But before I do, you have to promise me not to say a word to Arianna, I will tell her in my own good time, okay?”

“
Okay, Ben, calm down, I hear you. Don’t say a word to Arianna. I get it, now please will you tell me what the hell is going on?”

“
There is no easy way to say this, Tristan. I’m dying apparently. According to Dr Shepherd, I have a tumour the size of a golf ball in my head and it’s inoperable. There is nothing they can do.”

There was a long painful silence before Tristan could muster a reply.
“How long?” cried Tristan.

“
Six months if I’m lucky, give or take.”

“
There must be a mistake, Ben. Maybe he’s wrong, this can’t be happening, not to you.” Tristan could no longer stem the flood of tears cascading down his stubbly cheeks. He punched the wall with his fist. “Damn doctors, what do they know? Ben, you have to get a second opinion,” pleaded Tristan.

“
I saw the scan myself, Tristan, there was no mistaking the tumour. This is real. Now, I need you to hold it together for me, okay. I am still coming to terms with this. I really need you to focus right now where I may not be able to, Tristan.”

Tristan wrapped his huge arms around Ben and held him for the longest time.
“I love you, Ben, we are the musketeers and always will be. Do you remember mum always used to say that?”

“
I remember, Tristan.”

“
You have to tell Arianna, Ben. She has a right to know, sooner rather than later. Yes, it will break her heart, but you cannot protect her from this God awful truth.”

“
I know all that, Tristan. I just need a few days to get my own head around this, okay. I don’t want to just come out with it, I want to find the right words to comfort her too. Right now, I just can’t do it. I will tell her, I promise, but not right now, okay,” pleaded Ben.

“
Okay, but don’t leave it too long, Ben. She is going to realise something is seriously wrong with the both of us. I won’t be able to act all happy in her presence; I just can’t do it, not with something like this, Ben.”

“
And I’m not asking you to lie or pretend, Tristan, just please avoid her for a few days if it makes it easier for you.”

“
From now on, I am coming with you on your hospital visits, okay. I want to be there every step of the way, so no holding out on me, Ben. And no more secrets, do you hear me?”

Tristan was heartbroken. First his mother to cancer
, then Susie to a tragic car accident and now Ben to this. Where is God? he thought. Take someone else, not Ben. Why do you keep taking the people I love before their time? The words in his head were screaming at him while he remained a picture of calm for Ben’s sake. He needed to vent, to scream, something, anything to ease the pain in his seared heart. Then he thought of Arianna. He could already feel her pain; this was going to tear her world apart. She was in love with him and this news was going to rip the bottom out of her entire world. Tristan could hardly take in the tragic news himself, it didn’t seem real at all. He worried for Ben. How on earth was he going to cope with all this emotionally? How does anyone cope with such devastating news? How does a person come to terms with such a fate? These questions were dancing around Tristan’s head; he was confused and angry.