Tears of Endurance (Romantic Drama) Book #1 (14 page)

Chapter twenty four

Over the next three months, Arianna and Ben made many home movies for their unborn baby, which they knew from Arianna’s first scan was a boy. Ben recorded many important fatherly messages for each milestone of his baby’s life: his first day at school, becoming a teenager, coming of age, his sixteenth and twenty-first birthdays, graduation and many more. They travelled to Prague, Rome, Paris and Italy, avoiding long flights as advised. They went on three weekend breaks to Brighton with Tristan and spent every spare minute together they could. Tristan and Arianna both employed extra help at their gallery and studio to free up more of their time, which had become very precious.

Arianna was suffering badly with morning sickness and even though she was fast approaching her fourth month of pregnancy, her sickness was showing no sign of wavering.

Tristan was sitting on the Lazy Boy chair in Ben’s apartment when Charlie came over, placed his head on Tristan’s lap and looked up at him with sadness in his eyes. “Don’t worry, Charlie, I will take care of you, I promise. We are going to need each other, you and me.”

Ben stood in the doorway listening in, a lump forming in his throat. He was having a bad day and wishing with all he had that he could change his fate and live a few years longer.
“Tristan, can I ask you something? It’s going to sound a little odd but it needs to be said.”

“
Anything, Ben, just ask away.”

“
I don’t want you to interrupt me, okay? I have known for a long time, Tristan. It was in your eyes. The only time I ever saw that look in your eyes was with Suzie. I know you’re in love with Arianna and I can’t blame you at all. Look, I know how hard it’s been for you, Tristan, and I also know how true your loyalty to me is. That’s why I am going to ask you this one huge favour. I want you to take care of them for me when I’m gone, Tristan. I know how much she will need you when I am no longer here, she already adores you. I couldn’t wish for a better man for her to settle down with, Tristan. Two people I love more than life itself. Stop shaking your head, you know I am talking sense.

“
I am dying, Tristan, I don’t have much time left. The tumour is spreading fast and I am feeling so tired all the time now. I’m not sure I will last the six months. I have found peace within myself now and I have fully accepted my fate. I have spent the best three months of my life doing all the things I’d put aside for years. I am leaving a legacy behind, my son. Please don’t tell Arianna about this conversation, Tristan. I guess what I’m trying to say, and not very articulately, is you have my blessing, if your future, your fate, should be guided that way. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Tristan wiped a tear from his cheek and turned to look out of the window. He wasn
’t going to insult his brother by lying to him now, Ben knew him far too well and he loved him far too much.

“
Ben, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to feel this way for Arianna, believe me when I say she has no idea at all. I have never crossed the line and I never would have. Yes, I can’t deny it’s been hard, but it was the way it should have been. You two were right for each other. Which leads me to this point, Arianna is in love with you, Ben. That will not change once you have gone, if anything, it will strengthen. I will always be there for her, you can trust me on that score, and I will be the best uncle possible to my nephew. I can’t imagine Arianna ever loving anyone again and nor will she want to. You are my brother, Ben. I understand fully what you’re saying, but that is the last thing on my mind. I can’t have this conversation with you. I love you and my loyalty remains, whether you’re here or not.”

“
This is not about loyalty, Tristan. I am trying to tell you I would be okay with it, that you get my blessing in advance should that day ever arrive. It may do one day so please don’t shrug it off. I don’t want you to feel guilty in the future and ruin any future happiness that may be ahead for the two of you. That’s all I will say on this subject, Tristan. Just remember this conversation in the future, okay?”

“
Fine, I won’t forget it, trust me. Just don’t bring it up again, Ben. I can’t do this again, okay.”

“
Tristan, there is one more thing I have to tell you before I tell Arianna. I was at the hospital a couple of days ago, I didn’t tell either of you because I needed to go alone this time. I mentioned earlier my tumour is spreading and it’s growing at a fast rate now. I have just a few weeks left, if that. I refused a hospital bed, and I’ll be damned if I’m spending my last days in a hospital ward, drugged up to my eyeballs. I am going my way, for better or worse.”

Tristan was rendered speechless. There were no words, no gestures, no nothing
; he was devoid of feeling, rooted to the spot with his mouth agape.

“
Tristan, Tristan, did you hear me?”

“
I hear you, Ben, I hear you," were the only words he could muster.

“
Time is running out now, I need to be sure I have my house in order. I have already written my will and filed it with my solicitor. I know I don’t need to worry about Charlie. I know he will be in good hands with you, Tristan. I need you to help me with everything over the next couple of weeks, okay. I need you to sort stuff out for me after I’m gone too. We knew this time would come, when we would be faced with all the serious stuff; that time is right now. I have been sorting a lot of it out over the weeks and hopefully I have made things far easier for you to deal with after I’m gone. The one thing we do need to sort out and soon is my funeral, Tristan. I have written everything down for you, my wishes and all that. Everything you need to know, right down to the funeral directors, is sitting in my desk draw in a leather-bound folder. I know I sound terribly cold and organised about all these things, but to be honest, it’s really helped me. Organising everything has really helped me to find some perspective and make sense of it all. I’m ready now, and at least I will be with mum.”

Tristan could no longer stem the flow of tears cascading down his cheeks. He ran over to Ben and wrapped his large arms tightly around him.
“I love you so much, Ben. Just know I couldn’t have wished for a better brother. I will be lost without you. Moving in here with you makes me feel better; I want to be sure I am right here with you when that moment arrives, Ben. I’m still not sure you made the right decision about Arianna not moving in though.”

“
She’s pregnant, Tristan, and this is a highly stressful situation. I am thinking of the baby and her health too. I see her every day and she sleeps over most of the time anyway. I just felt she needed her space, not to mention it will make it easier on her in the end. Moving in with me now just complicates everything and makes it far harder on us both. I can’t deny apart of me is now taking the pragmatic approach, Tristan, this is the only way I can deal with this. I need to be in control, I need order, and I need to know I’ve covered all bases before I go. Everyone deals with things differently, I have you both by my side and that’s all I need. Those first three months after finding out my fate were the best of my entire life and I feel lucky to have had the chance to make that happen. Look at it this way, Tristan. We have had an advance warning, a chance to say goodbye, not a lot of people have that chance. I need to take the positive standpoint from all of this or I will go stir crazy.”

“
I know, Ben. You’re my hero, and don’t you forget it, okay.”

Ben and Tristan spent the rest of the afternoon going through Ben
’s things and making a note of what needs to go where and to whom. Ben went through all of his finances with Tristan, things that would need cancelling and final payments on bills. Tristan wanted to hold onto him as he listened to Ben’s instructions. He knew he would never have been so graceful in the face of death.

Chapter twenty five

Arianna sat down on the Windsor swing bench in her mother’s garden, trying her best to hold herself together but her emotions were holding her captive. Remaining positive in front of Ben all the time was finally taking its toll on her. At almost five months pregnant, she was barely showing. Arianna looked down at the small bump protruding through her cornflower blue summer dress and rubbed her hand over it gently with a total look of despair on her pale face.

“
Arianna, I know this is no consolation, love, but a part of Ben is growing inside of you and you will see his image in your son every day of his life. That will give you comfort down the line, you will see, darling. Your baby will help you to get through this more than you realise right now. I wish you could have had a lifetime of happiness, like your father and me, but sometimes God has special plans for special people. We can beg the question why, but there is no point, there are no answers. We just have to take what happiness we are given and cherish the memories we store and never forget them. Because in the end, that’s all any of us have, Arianna.”

“
Mum, my heart is broken. I can hardly look at Ben without breaking down lately, and my hormones are charged so high I cannot control them. I want to scream every single moment of every day. The best and worst part of my day is those first few moments in the morning when I first wake up and open my eyes. For a few glorious, brief moments, I forget my reality, and then it suddenly hits me like a sledgehammer. I can’t bear it, mum. The pain is so unbearable I feel like I am dying too. I love him so much it hurts. I go back home to my house after seeing Ben some days and let out all my anger, my pent-up frustration that I hold in when I’m around him. It’s so hard, mum. I’m not sure I will be strong enough to endure his passing. How will I ever be happy without him? Please tell me, mum, how will I? It’s just not humanly possible. This all seems so wrong to me, I am carrying a life inside me while at the same time watching the love of my life slowly slip away.”

Arianna buried her head into her mother
’s shoulders while her mum rocked her like a baby for the longest time. They cried together, holding each other so tight. Sofia would have done anything to take her daughter’s pain away. She knew how she was feeling, she’d felt it herself many years before. The unbearable pain that grips hold of your heart, unwilling to let go.

It was over an hour later when Arianna pulled herself together and headed off to Ben
’s apartment for a few days. Tristan had special plans for the three of them and had asked Arianna to be there for five o’clock sharp.

Arianna made a quick call to Casey to let her know she would be staying at Ben
’s for a few days and would not have her phone switched on. “Hey Arianna, how are you holding up? I’m really worried about you, is there anything you need me to do?”

“
Not too good really, Casey. I can barely think straight. Tristan is being strong for both of us right now, he has been amazing through all of this, Casey. I really don’t know how I would have coped without him. These last few weeks Ben has taken the pragmatic approach, keeping his emotions in check. I know he took it really hard in the beginning but he has gone completely the other way and has taken on the role of nurturer and counsellor. He keeps saying that this is helping him. I’ve noticed he’s lost a fair bit of weight too, not to mention he’s very tired all of the time now and sleeping a lot. It scares me when he’s sleeping, Casey, I worry that he won’t wake up. I find myself just listening to him breathing all night in fear. Tristan and me decided not to highlight his obvious physical changes. Ben will talk about them if he wants to, and he knows what’s happening to him more than we do. I know all this is inevitable but it’s really hard to watch him change so much daily. I never imagined it would happen so quickly.

“
There was a part of me that hoped Ben would be one of those patients that defied the rules. That he would live far longer than the six short months he was given. That he would baffle science somehow with a remarkable recovery.”

“
Oh Arianna, I can’t imagine what you must be going through. It’s heart breaking, I feel so helpless. All I will say is, if taking the pragmatic approach is helping him then that’s what he must do. I can’t even begin to understand what must be going through his mind each day, Arianna. The mind is a very strong organ and can deal with the most unfathomable of situations. People deal with this sort of knowledge in all different ways. You’ve just got to make these last few weeks memorable for you both. It’s going to be really hard, Arianna, I honestly don’t know what to say other than I am here for you always. Any time you need me, night or day, just call me, okay. I wish I could take your pain away, I really do.”

After an emotional call to Casey, Arianna headed off to the
Birmingham city centre with a heavy heart and bloodshot eyes. She felt a strange feeling in her stomach so she pulled over then smiled through her tears when she felt her baby kicking, quite energetically. She was blown away by the reality of the moment and yet saddened at the same time. Bitter sweet moments were becoming far too common of late and Arianna’s heart felt heavy. She started the car again and continued to Ben’s, wanting more than anything in the world for Ben to feel his baby moving.

Arianna parked up and climbed out of the car, once again she could feel her baby moving inside of her. The feeling was overwhelming and brought her to tears once more. As her baby was developing and growing, Ben was slipping away. It was a cruel twisted fate and one she felt none of them deserved, one she would never understand. She took the lift to the top floor and hammered on Ben
’s door, shouting for him to hurry.

“
Ben, give me your hand quickly.” Ben placed his hand on Arianna’s stomach with Arianna’s guidance to the right spot. “Can you feel it?”

Ben
’s face lit up, a tear fell from his eye as he felt the baby move under his large hand. “That’s my baby. Hey buddy, can you hear me? This is your daddy.”

They both stood in silence for a few moments until Tristan came to the door.
“Are you coming in or what?”

“
Hey, Tristan, the baby was kicking for England today. You just might have a future footballer on your hands there,” said Ben.

“
Tristan, give me your hand,” said Arianna.

“
Are you sure?”

“
Of course I’m sure, you’re his uncle; now give me your hand.”

Arianna guided Tristan
’s hand over her stomach until she found the right spot. “Can you feel it, Tristan?”

“
Oh wow, that’s a pretty good kick he has there.” Tristan caught Ben smiling affectionately at the two of them and just nodded his head. “Come on. I have a great few days planned for the three of us, okay.”

“
Spill it, Tristan, what are you up to?”

“
Okay, we three are going to be spending the next few days in Brighton. I figured it was the perfect place for us to have our last holiday together. I took it upon myself to book the finest holiday house I could find overlooking the sea. It has a swimming pool and the views are sublime. I have also hired a boat for the day.”

Arianna threw her hands around Tristan and then ran over and kissed Ben and hugged him tightly, not letting him go.

“Thank you, Tristan, I really don’t know what to say.” Ben was already grabbing his bag and throwing everything he could find into it. “So when are we leaving?” he asked eagerly.

“
As soon as you’re packed. No time like the present. The house is ready for us and I am packed. Arianna, do you have what you need? In fact, don’t worry, we can get you anything you need in Brighton.”

Once Ben was packed, they threw all their luggage in the back of Tristan
’s car. Ben chose to sit in the back with Charlie and Arianna sat up front and shared the driving with Tristan.

Tristan looked in his rear view mirror and glanced at Ben sitting at the back, leaning on Charlie. He looked tired and drawn and Tristan was concerned. He felt a huge pull in his heart, knowing that Ben was in a rapid decline. He held back the tears filling his eyes and looked ahead, trying with all he had to block out his emotions. He turned the radio on and searched desperately for something upbeat for the long journey ahead.