TAUT (23 page)

“What’s not fair about it?”

“You get to have all the fun.” She cleans Kate’s bottom with a wipe and rolls up the old diaper. “Here, put this in the trash, it’s not a stinky one.” I take the diaper and toss it in the bathroom trashcan. “I’m not sure what I get out of it if I give in to you like this.”

“You said you’ve done it before.” She takes a deep breath like she has a lot to say, then changes her mind and lets it out. “What?” I ask.

“It was… pretend, you know? He’d smack me a bit but it was never a consequence for an action. That’s different. It was just for fun.”

“Ah, I see.”

“You see what?” she asks as she grabs a new outfit from the diaper bag. I smile when I see it’s not a footied sleeper but the little pink sweat suit I picked out from the store yesterday. It’s got a silver princess crown on the shirt and leaping unicorns on the pant legs. Then Ash fishes through the bag until she comes up with some tiny white socks and a little bitty pair of pink sneakers.

“You don’t understand. So I’ll explain what you get. When you let me take control, you get to forget about everything but the ways in which I please you. You simply get to enjoy yourself.”

“Enjoy—? How is getting smacked fun?”

I laugh. “You’re supposed to be good and then you don’t get smacked, Ash. You wanted to be spanked that night, so I gave you what you asked for.”

“It sorta hurt. I did not enjoy that part. I like the soft spankings.”

“Then that’s a reward and to get those you have to be good.”

“Oh.” She Velcros the miniature sneakers onto Kate’s feet and the baby is actually content. I think it’s because she knows she looks cute. I take my phone out and snap a picture. Ashleigh glances over at me with a weird look on her face. “I want a picture of you wearing my t-shirt and panties, and her in the outfit I chose, because you two are adorable.” She picks Kate up and hugs her close, but she’s looking me straight in the eyes so I continue. “If you trust me to take care of you and do everything I ask, then it’s a very special experience.” She frowns at me. “
Now what
?”

“Do you have these special experiences with all the girls you control during sex?”

I shake my head. “I told you, Ashleigh. I do not care about them.”

“Yeah, but you said you didn’t care about me, either.”

I scratch my chin. I did say that. And I was mean about it.

“Do you care?” she asks.

“I like you, so I think I care.”

“I’m not sure
think
is good enough for me to trust you not to hurt me during sex—even if it’s just mentally. You asked me last night if I’m afraid of you and the answer is yes and no. Do I think you’re one of those asshole woman-beaters? No. But you’re asking me to give up who I am to make you happy. And I’m not saying I’m unwilling to do that for certain people under certain circumstances. But I’m not about to make you happy at my own expense and get nothing in return but an orgasm. It’s too small of a thing. Too fleeting. Too insignificant. I’m not one of those girls who follows orders, Ford. I like the sexy spankings. I don’t mind posing for you in front of a window. I like some of this stuff. But I only like it when the person who is asking me to do these things actually cares about me.”

“Who did you do this with before? Tony?”

She swallows hard and for a moment I think she’ll cry, but she presses her lips together and tilts her chin up. “Yes, Tony.”

“And he loved you?”

This time she can’t speak. She only nods.

“Well, how can I compete with him? I’m not him.”

“I know,” she chokes out as her chin quivers.

“Why are you crying?”

She hugs Kate close and it’s like the baby knows she needs comfort and rests her head on her shoulder.

“Why, Ashleigh?”

“I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. It hurts.”

“Why are you on this road trip?”

She sniffles and sits down at the little dining table. Kate’s eyes are closed now. “I just need to see him, Ford. I told you, I’ll let it go once I get all this stuff off my chest. But—”

She cries now. Real tears, not holding it in. They are silent, but even sadder than if she was actually sobbing. I give her a few moments to pull it together and then I prod again. “But what?”

“None of this is fair to me. Nothing is fair. I’m the one who got shit on in every way. I had everything and now I have nothing.”

“You have Kate.”

She rolls her eyes at me and sniffs again. “I know that. Believe me, I realize how significant that is. But I still want
him
, Ford. It’s like my insides have been ripped out. Like I’m empty. Life has no meaning. And I’m tired of hearing that I have to let it go and move on. I’m tired of it. I’m just not ready to let it all go and give up on that dream we had.”

“So this trip is what? A break from reality?”

She thinks about this for a few moments, sniffs. I grab a tissue from a box on the dresser and hand it to her. “Yes. That’s a good way to look at it. A break. A pause. I just needed things to stop for a while. Does that makes sense? I just need to think.”

“Maybe you’re thinking too much?”

She rolls her eyes again and snorts.

“Like I was, back in my dad’s office with the Scotch. Surrounded by all those pictures of us living life.”

She looks up at this. She’s paying attention to me.

“Maybe you just need to feel and stop thinking, Ashleigh?”

“But it feels bad, Ford. I’m OK if I think of other things. You really help, actually. You take my mind off him.”

“Then let me take control so you can stop thinking. Let me make it feel better. Just trust me, Ashleigh.”

“I don’t want to be hit. I don’t want to follow orders just because someone tells me to.”

“I’m not talking about that now.”

“Then what?”

“Just give yourself to me. Trust me. For one day. I’ll take care of you.” She exhales and stares up at me. She looks lost and broken. She looks sad and defeated. And I hate it. “One day of trust, Ashleigh. Just one day. And then tomorrow we can drive to LA and life can start again. But don’t let your pause end up meaningless. Make it count. Give me control. I’ll show you life goes on.”

She starts crying again. “I want life to go on, Ford. I do. I want to get over it. I just can’t find my way right now. I can’t see past this pain. It shuts me down completely.”

“Listen to what I’m offering, Ashleigh. You’re not listening. You keep repeating yourself. I get it, it sucks. You got shit on. You don’t know what to do, you’re lost, you’re wandering aimlessly looking for answers. And I’m the answer, Ash. I’m the answer and I’m offering you relief. I don’t want you to give up, I just want you to give in.”

She takes a deep breath and I can physically see the mental shift she goes through. One second she’s defeated and closed off, the next she’s—open. Not quite hopeful, but there’s a spark of acceptance in there. “OK,” she finally says as she wipes the tears from her eyes. “For today then. I’ll give it a try.”

My smile is immediate and all the hurt I was just feeling over her sadness melts away.

One day.

I have one day to wipe her mind of Tony.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Eat in Green River or next town we come to with a restaurant?”

“I thought you were calling the shots?”

“Ashleigh, I’m not trying to take away your freedom, I’m trying to take away your pain.”

She smiles at that and then relaxes into the seat. “Next town then.” She looks back at Kate and then to me. “Why wake her up if we don’t have to.” I like how she uses
we
in that sentence. Like we’re in this together. “This state is weird-looking,” she says as she looks out the window. “I’ve never seen this kind of landscape. It’s a little like New Mexico with the red rocks and the sandstone, but it’s even more desolate, if that’s even possible.”

“I like Utah. I used to take the Bronco out to Moab in college and rock crawl.” We’re both silent as we look around. Utah is unique. It does look like New Mexico, but with real mountains.

“You’re like one of those outdoorsy guys, aren’t you Ford?”

“I guess. I like to keep busy, that’s all.”

“And you like to compete.”

“No, I like to win.”

“But you can’t always win.”

I grin over at her. “Depends on how you look at it. I always win.”

“But some things have definite winners and losers. Like in a hockey game. One team wins and the other team loses.”

“True, but maybe one player wins on the losing team? Then it’s still a win.”

She huffs out a breath. “So you’re a half-full kind of person? Figures. You know I first pegged you as a mopey emo guy, but it turns out you’re sorta goody-two-shoes.”

Oh, fuck. “What? How the hell do you figure?”

“
It’s all in how you look at it
,” she says in a false voice. “That is annoying. It’s all upbeat and positive. I’m gonna put the Naked and Famous back on, that’ll cure your optimism.”

I grab the phone in the center console before she does. “No way. I’m not chasing your ass across Utah again just because these songs make you think about
Tony
.” I sneer his name this time and she gasps at that. “Today is all about Ford. No more sad music. Get that reader out, read to me.”

“Pfffft. They have audiobooks for that, Ford, I’m not your personal narrator.”

“Yes, Miss Li, you are. Get the reader and do as you’re told. You can choose the book—wait, are there even books on that thing? It’s like a few years old.”

“Oh, yeah, it has books all right. I made the mistake of turning it on and it synced all your freaking books since the last time you used it. It said three hundred and forty-five. I had to leave it on all night to get all those stupid books on there.”

“My choice in books is very classic. They are not stupid.”

“You’re right, they’re not stupid, they’re boring.” She cackles at that as she stares out the window.

“You can choose the book, just get it and start reading.”

She climbs into the back seat and reaches over into the cargo area to fish around. She comes back a few minutes later with the old reader and turns it on. “God, it’s even in black and white.”

“You have one minute to find a book and then I’m pulling over and finding one myself.”

“Hold your horses, I’m looking… oh, what? You like Odd Thomas? I love him.”

“Good, read one of those.”

“No, I’ve read them all. You like them because he’s weird, right? You can relate to his oddballness? I mean, his name is Odd, that’s strange right off the bat. And then the whole I see dead Elvis thing? Yeah. Ford and Odd are like blood brothers.”

“You know why I really like him?”

She lets out a long breath and looks over at me, serious now. “Why?”

“Because I lost a girl a few years ago when I started reading this series. I always thought they sounded stupid, sorta supernatural, and sappy. But Odd Thomas had that girl, what was her name?”

“Stormy.”

“Yeah, great name. Stormy. Odd had Stormy and the ending on that first book had a twist that made me—well, feel bad for him, frankly. It was a new thing for me. I’ve never really identified with a character before. I read them for the plot. I like thrillers because they hide secrets and you have to figure them out along the way. But I never saw that ending coming in the first Odd book.”

“What was
her
name?”

I know who Ash is talking about even though it’s a vague question. “Mardee. Ronin stole her from me. She got involved in drugs, overdosed in his family’s studio building. In fact, it was the anniversary of her death last month. Four years.”

Ash is silent and I wonder what she makes of this.

“I didn’t love her. I know that now. I mean, I might’ve thought I loved her back then. I wanted her. Ronin used her. He liked her well enough for business deals, and they even did some modeling contracts together. But he wasn’t into her. I miss her, I liked her, I spent a lot of time with her. But she was never going to be with a guy like me.”

“What’s that mean? What kind of guy are you?”

“The kind who likes to call the shots.” I grin over at her. “Now pick a book and enough stalling.”

Ash looks back down at the reader. “It’s all boring. I mean what is this?
The Count of Monte Cristo
? Seriously?”

“I love that book. It’s about delayed gratification. Something I wholeheartedly believe in.”

She snorts and pushes the tabs on the front of the reader, scrolling for books. “You proved my point. Delayed gratification. You just want me to suffer, constantly wanting your hot body but only ever offering me a small sample of it.”

I shake my head.
Fucking Ashleigh
.

She falls silent as she searches for a book, then huffs out a sigh. “I’m never gonna find—whoa, whoa, whoa! What is this little gem?
Spelunk Me
? You have
Spelunk Me
on your eReader? Bahahahaha. Oh my God, I might die, that’s how funny this is.”

“I’ve never heard of that book, perhaps it’s a promotional freebie?” I bought that book for Rook, back when she was modeling nude for Spencer’s body art painting and needed a distraction. But I’m not about to admit that to Ashleigh. If she’s not allowed to talk about Tony then it’s only fair I leave Rook behind as well.

“
Ashley
—the little tart has my name! Which, by the way, is spelled wrong.
Ashley, the only virgin in her freshman dorm, is desperate to be deflowered by long-time crush Eaton Fuller. But that’s before hot and dangerous Rowdy Breaker saves her from a spelunking adventure gone wrong
. Oh, my fucking God—”

“I’m gonna spank you for that.”

“What? What’d I do?”

She’s got the most bewildered innocent look on her face and it takes a monumental effort on my part not to give in and laugh. “Unladylike behavior?” I say seriously.

“When?”

“Ashleigh.”

She smirks at me. “Fine, I’ll take it because this is too fucking funny and we are totally reading this book right the fuck now.”

“That’s three new ones.”