TAUT (20 page)

“Yeah, but you have Kate, so you win.”

She looks over to me and smiles through her tears. “I do have her, so I do win.”

A sign for an upcoming town passes by on the road. “We should just stop for the night. It’s not late, but I’m ready to get the fuck out of this truck, how about you?”

“I don’t care what we do, Ford. I’m happy to put off the inevitable forever, I think. I’m not even sure I want to go see him now anyway. It’s not like anything will change. Nothing will change. I’ll still be alone in the end.”

“Let’s forget about LA for tonight.” I pull off at Green River and turn into the first decent-looking hotel they have. There’s not much to choose from, but it will have to do because life just needs to stop for a little while. Just be still and let us breathe.

Chapter Twenty-Two

The hotel lobby is large and clean. That’s always a plus. It’s locally owned, not a chain. And that’s not always a plus.

Ashleigh and the baby are standing next to me at the counter. “Single or double?” the clerk asks.

“Single,” I say. I look at Ashleigh from the corner of my eye to see if she’s gonna contradict me, but she doesn’t.

“Do you need a crib?”

Now I do have to look at her. “Do we need a crib?”

“You seem to be the one calling the shots, why stop now?”

I squint at her, trying to decide if this is her way of being mad, but I can’t tell. “No,” I say to the clerk. “We’ve gotten by without one so far, why change what’s working.”

“We’ve gotten by on separate beds too.”

The clerk raises her eyebrows at us. “Do you want two beds? We have a room available.”

“No,” I say before Ashleigh can. “We’re fine with the single.”

Ashleigh wanders off after that and after the clerk hands us the key card, I grab her numerous shopping bags filled with clothing and crap. We meet up again at the elevator, get in, and she presses the button for the fourth floor.

“So…” she starts as we ascend. “One bed. What’s up with that?”

I look right at her. “Exactly what you think is up with that, Ashleigh.”

“You mean you might actually fuck me tonight?” She’s got a devious grin on her face.

“Probably not.”

“
What?
”

The doors open and I wave her through. “That’s it,” she says as we walk down the hall to our room. “I’m done with you. I’m drawing a line down the middle of the bed and if you so much as put your big toe over on my side, I’ll kiss you on the lips.”

I use the card to open our room, then flick the lights on and wave her in. “If your lips come in contact with mine, I’ll bite. I’m warning you now.”

She puts the baby down and starts taking off her snowsuit. “I might take my chances anyway.”

I set the clothes on the little table. “Let’s go out to eat. Don’t undress her.”

“No, I need to feed her.” She rubs her breasts and winces a little. “They hurt because I didn’t give her enough time when we were on the road. I need to nurse or they’ll start leaking.”

Holy fucking shit. I just got insta-hard. “
Leaking
?”

“Mmmm-hmmm,” she says seductively as she squishes them together a little. Little wet spots appear through her t-shirt. “Oops.” She looks up at me, smiling. “I leaked.”

“Leaked?” My eyes are still on her hands as she plays with herself.

“I guess I’ll have to change my shirt.” She whips it over her head and throws it across the room. Her pink bra also has little wet spots on it. “Oh, darn. My bra’s wet too.” She unhooks the clasp between her breasts and they fall free as she takes it off.

She’s fucking leaking all right. That shit is practically dripping.

She grabs the baby, takes her over to a chair and plops down. Kate is half-asleep but she accepts the nipple and begins to eat. “I’m sorry, Ford. Were you saying something about going out for dinner? I’d love to actually. I’ll be done in a minute.”

“You’re
evil
.”

She laughs.

“I’m not sure it’s funny. I might have a fetish.”

“Oh, you mean like tying girls up and posing them in front of windows? That kind of fetish? Or spanking them until they cry? You have quite the assortment of fetishes, Ford. I’m not sure leaking breasts even qualify.”

“You enjoyed all of that. You let me pose you in front of the window and you admitted to enjoying the spankings.”

“I did like it. The exhibitionism more than the swats, just FYI. In fact, I think you should pose me in front of this window right now.” She grins an
I win
smile. Because right now I realize she
did
know that no one could see her in the window up at the Vail house. Maybe she didn’t realize it at that moment, but she’s on to me now.

“Maybe I will.”

“Go for it. But I’ll get another question.”

Now it’s my turn to grin. “I paid you forward today. I told you how my dad died. I’ve never told anyone that story.”

Her smile falters at this revelation. “No one?”

I shake my head. “Not even my mother. Not even the lawyers. I’m not allowed to talk to the police. Only Ronin is allowed to talk to the police, this is part of the business we have together. So I never gave a statement.”

“Can’t they
make
you give a statement?”

“Nope. They could arrest me if they suspected foul play, but they didn’t. It was a tragedy and no one wanted to make it worse. Besides, we were all locals. There was too much pain to worry about me. They know I’m a freak. My weird behavior afterward just confirmed it.”

She’s quiet for a few seconds and then she lifts her eyes and stares at me with a small smile. I can’t believe I didn’t think she was beautiful when I first met her, because right now, I’ve never seen a more stunning girl. Sitting here with her baby like that. I just… fuck. I don’t know. I like it. And it’s not the nursing, although I suspect that’s part of it. She’s got some sort of glow to her.

“I think that town loves you, Ford. I think they care about you and were happy to see you come home. I think they worried about you. I didn’t hear anyone call you a freak. They thought you were adorable. Even Mrs. Pearson. She told me all about your childhood up on the mountain. You were quite the troublemaker, and she had this feigned annoyance to all her stories, but to me, she relived your antics like she was fond of you. Like you gave that town life when you were there.”

I just stare at her. For like half a minute at least. Because Ashleigh just told me something I’ve been dying to hear my whole life. “I got one bed because I want you next to me tonight. Touching me. Not sexually, I’d never do that with the baby in the room. But just… give it a try.”

“Well.” She giggles a little. “I was not expecting that. I’m up for some sixth-grade heavy petting if you are. I’ll walk you through it, step by step. From knee-rubbing to hand-holding, I’ll be your teacher.”

Fucking Ashleigh. “Knee-rubbing?”

“Yeah, you know, when you sit next to a girl and you bump your leg against hers and then you both get all tingly.”

I shake my head. “That has never happened.”

“Why? Because you had them bent over with their asses in the air? Or because you never felt that shocking excitement with a girl before?”

“Am I really having this conversation?”

“Yes. So tell me. Was it because you never got the chance or because you’ve just never found a girl who makes you excited like that? And I’m not talking hard-ons,” she says, nodding to my dick. This makes me laugh. “I’m talking that spark that says
this one’s different
. You said you were into this Rook girl, if that’s true, then you should’ve felt that feeling.”

I think about this for a moment. “I liked her. I wanted to kiss her.”

“Oh, you might fatally wound me with that admission!”

“I would’ve kissed her if she let me. But not when she’s with Ronin. I can’t do that. He’s too important.”

“Well, maybe that’s as close as you get then?” She shrugs and then notices the baby is asleep. She stands up and gently puts her in the middle of the bed. “I have to express this one,” she says pointing to the breast that got no baby attention. “I’m dying here. Be right back.”

And then she walks off to the bathroom topless to
express
.

I’m insta-hard again. I want to go in there and give her a helping hand, but I stay put and breathe. Fucking Ashleigh.

“Ford?” she calls from the bathroom.

“Yeah,” I answer back.

“That was your cue to get your ass in here and fuck me.”

I laugh and get up and go stand in the doorway. “I’m not fucking you, Ashleigh. I don’t even have condoms with me. Besides, I like watching you, so I’ll enjoy the view and you go ahead.”

She raises her eyebrows at me. “You want me to get myself off in front of you?”

“Why are you talking to me like this? You were so sweet when we met and now you’re all into the dirty talk.”

She leans over the sink and squeezes until the milk shoots out. It even makes a squirting sound. “I’m just trying my best to make you interested, that’s all. If you want me to stop, I will.”

I walk up behind her and lean down so I can talk in her ear. “Just slow down and be patient.”

She turns around so she can look up at my face. “I think once you figure me out, you won’t like me anymore. So I want to rush into it and then maybe you won’t run away when we get to LA.”

“Why would I run away?”

She swallows and looks down, like she feels defeated. “Because I’m a mess, Ford.”

I pull her towards me and put my arms around her bare back dragging a single finger up and down her spine “You seem pretty together to me, Ashleigh.” She shivers from my touch and I stop.

“No,” she says softly. “Don’t stop. I like it.”

I use two fingers this time, tracing the vertebrae of her spine. Her back buckles slightly and she gasps. “Does it hurt?” I ask.

She pulls back and looks up at me. “Hurt? No, it feels so good I almost can’t stand it.”

I squint my eyes as I try to imagine how she interprets these sensations, and then I flinch when her finger traces a line down my arm.

“Does it hurt
you
?” Ashleigh asks, her eyes trained on mine.

Do I want her to know me like this? Do I want her to know that I’m a freak, in the strictest definition of the word? Is this what intimacy entails? Baring your weaknesses to someone who might take advantage, but trusting them not to?

I let out a long breath. “Yeah. It fucking hurts.” Her finger pulls back but I catch her tiny wrist in my hand and study her face for a reaction. She’s listening, that’s all. Just listening. “I can stop it from hurting. It only takes a second, but my brain is wired wrong. Everything hurts until I tell it not to.”

“Oh shit, Ford. I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that.”

I shrug. “You wanted to know why I had to see so many doctors? It wasn’t for the Asperger’s, it was for this whole no touching thing. It took a really long time for someone to believe me. I’d tell them over and over again,
just stop fucking touching me and I’ll be fine
. But they never believed me because they could never find the cause of it. My dad was the only one who thought it was an actual physical response and not just some strange psychosis. And those fucking doctors all just wanted to poke me over and over again. It was like torture.”

“But it’s better now?” Ashleigh asks.

“Mostly,” I say impassively. “I didn’t really understand myself until high school. That’s when things started to make sense. I caught up with my mind and was able to take control. The touching is not a big deal these days. I’m good at turning off the pain. I only feel it briefly if I’m touched unexpectedly. If I see it coming, I process it just fine.”

“And then it feels good?” She’s watching me, very carefully. I can almost see her mind working, putting the pieces of me together in a way that makes sense.

“Well, it’s a fine line between pain and pleasure and as you know, my line might be microscopic.”

She smirks out a laugh between her lips. “Well, that kind of explains a lot about you Ford.”

“Yeah, this pain pleasure thing has consumed me my whole life. It’s the only thing I thought about as a kid. And I wasn’t bullied or anything, I’m far too vicious and devious to put up with that shit, but I walked through childhood afraid of people finding out how easy it was to hurt me.”

“So how do you tell the difference? Doesn’t it get all mixed up in there? Inside your brain?”

“I just choose to experience one sensation and not the other.” I turn her around until she’s facing the mirror and then I grasp her nipple between my thumb and forefinger. I don’t squeeze, just hold it gently. “Let me show you.” My other hand follows the curve of her hip, unbuttons her pants, and then slides down her lower belly. “Tell me what you feel, OK?” She nods as my fingertips dip down between her legs and find her folds. I press against her, but at the same time I squeeze her nipple hard and then release.

“Ow!” She laughs out the word. “Well, that was painful.”

I smile at myself in the mirror and she catches me and makes a face. “Let’s try it again,” I whisper down into her ear. Her pussy floods with wetness and becomes slick around my fingers. I play with her a little more forcefully and this time she moans. I rub it faster, then dip my mouth down, nip her earlobe, and then squeeze her nipple.

This time she actually comes. Whimpering, and moaning, and pressing herself into my chest.

Fucking Ashleigh.

“You need to learn how to play hard to get, Ash. You’re perpetually on the cusp of explosion.”

She slumps against me, languishing in her moment. “Ford, the promise of your full sexual attention is just about the highlight of my life right now, why pretend?”

Holy shit, this fucking girl!

“I pinched it much harder that time but all you felt was the pleasure. I’m pretty good at that. I hardly ever hurt the girls when I’m paying attention, so I’m sorry I hurt you the other night. I was off my game.” She’s still relaxed against my chest, her legs a little wobbly, so I turn her around, lift her up, and set her on the bathroom counter. “Will that hold you over for a while? And you can stop pestering me for a fuck?”