Tattoo (3 page)

FIVE

I paced my empty house, every step echoing against the walls. The quiet questions that were flinging through my head made me restless. A million "what ifs" flew in every direction. What if it was true? What if it wasn't? What if we'd been more careful? On and on they flew until the door clicked open and they came to a screeching halt.  Lauren stepped out of the bathroom, tears were in her eyes. She didn't need to tell me yes or no. She slid down the wall, the test falling out of her hand. The quick glimpse I gave it confirmed what I already knew.

"What are we going to do?" She asked. The tears finally started to fall, one by one, and there was nothing I could do. I'd wanted to be the one who kept her from any pain imaginable, but I hadn't counted on this.

We were young and in love and she was pregnant.

She sat there in a ball on the floor, crying a shoulders shaking deep cry. I slid down next to her.  I wanted to put my arm around her but I kept my hands on the floor, steadying myself.  I needed something to tether me back to reality. This, after all, couldn't be real. We'd been so careful, always used a condom.  How could it have happened? Did one break or was it defective? I racked my brain trying to figure it out. She read my thoughts.

"The first time," she said.

"Huh?"

"The first time, you didn't have a condom, you pulled out."

My stomach twisted. She was right. I hadn't been prepared for her to be ready, so I didn't have anything to use. How could I have forgotten? Probably because that night was far to amazing to remember anything negative. I had been overly excited and not thinking anywhere close to clearly. Shit, guess health classes are right, it really can happen the first time. This was no TV sitcom, or reality show, this was my life. Our lives. I had to fix it.

"What do you want to do? Do you want to go to a clinic or something?"

I felt her head snap toward me, I couldn't look at her yet.  "An abortion?" she asked.

"Well, if you want to." I stole a glance her way.  Her eyes were wide with terror, her face white. She simply shook her head.

"Ok baby, I'm sorry." I put my arm around her. No abortion left two options. Adoption or we keep it. I didn't ask though, I wasn't ready to know the answer. So we just sat on the cold tile floor, my arms around her, realizing that our lives had just spun dramatically out of control. No matter what she decided, nothing would ever be the same.

I kissed her forehead. "I love you Lauren, and I will be there."

She looked up at me and grabbed my hand. We both needed something to hold on to.

Gynecologist's offices aren't really that scary.  The waiting room is normal, except I didn't think I was going to find a sports magazine anywhere in their pile. But even the exam room wasn't too bad. A waiting chair for me and she sat perched on the table lined with crinkly paper in a soft pink exam gown.  

"Hi, I'm Dr. Charlie," she said and shook both of our hands. She quickly scanned her notes and looked back to us. "I see you came in because you've had a positive pregnancy test. How old are you?"

"Seventeen," Lauren answered, in a voice that sounded like it could have come from a mouse.

Dr. Charlie didn't even give that a second glance. Lauren had made an appointment for the end of the week to meet a doctor. We both skipped school that day and I went with her. It was my baby too, not that I could get used to thinking about it that way. After our break down on the floor, we started to talk. Abortion was definitely out, she didn't want that and, really, neither did I.  I didn't think I could have had her go through with it.

It was between adoption and keeping it. It terrified me to think about keeping it, about being a dad. But at the same time, it terrified me to not have that piece of me, that piece of Lauren. That it would be raised by someone else seemed unthinkable. We had decided not to tell anyone until we saw a doctor and knew for sure that she was pregnant (I was still keeping my fingers crossed for that false positive thing I saw on the back of the box) and we also wanted to be sure of our decision, whatever that would be. 

"Now we can double check your home pregnancy test. We can do a blood test or another urine test. The Blood test is more accurate, but the urine test is immediate results.  Would you like to do that?"

"Yes, the urine please," Lauren answered.  She was breaking my heart. I could hardly watch her sitting up there. She looked so embarrassed, so young.  Hell, we were so young. This was just making it so much more obvious.   

The doctor handed her a little plastic cup with a lid and showed her the bathroom across the hall. I stood up, waiting anxiously again. I took another look at the room and saw models of women with babies inside. I peered at it closer. That might be my baby, I thought. The words "my baby" still hit me like a shock every time they ran through my head. Whether it was sitting in science or just falling asleep at night. The words always shocked me back to reality, that this was really happening. Well, it would be really happening, when the doctor told us what I already knew.    

Lauren came back in to the room without a word. She hopped back up onto the table, her feet dangling off the edge. I took her hand and squeezed. A silent showing, that everything would be ok. She squeezed back. We sat like that until the doctor came back in.

"Well, it does look like you are pregnant.  Do you have any idea about how far along you might be? About when you could have gotten pregnant?" 

"We got pregnant February 20th," Lauren told her.

The doctor glanced up from her folder of papers. "Are you sure?" she asked her. "That's quite precise."

"Yes, I'm sure. It was our first time, and the only time we didn't use protection." Lauren hung her head, her hair fell hiding the shame that came off her in waves.

I squeezed her hand again, this time she didn't squeeze back.

I couldn't read what passed over Dr. Charlie's face, but I'd put money on it, that it was pity. But she recovered it so quickly that, it would only be a guess. "Ok, well that puts you about 2 months pregnant, so we have lots of things to discuss. But first let's start with the exam."

Lauren laid on her back and her legs went up into those straddle things that guys I know never really understand. Now, I understand them. Dr. Charlie started to do her doctor thing, while Lauren laid there half a breath away from tears the whole time. I couldn't help it, I had to look away. That is a place guys definitely don't belong.

"Everything seems to look good and healthy," Dr. Charlie told us, as she snapped off her gloves. "So let's talk about options. The first thing I want to know is, if you plan to keep it or abort it?"

Lauren sat up quick as a flash, ripping the paper underneath her.

"No. No abortion."

"Ok, one decision done. So then your next decision is to keep it or give it up for adoption. Do you have any thoughts regarding that yet?'

My voice finally found it's way again. "We haven't decided that yet," I told her, finally feeling like I was doing something useful at the appointment.  I looked at Lauren who looked to be on the verge of tears again. "What did I say?" I asked alarmed and highly confused.

"I don't think I can give it up," she told me in a rush of words. She looked at the doctor. "I know I'm only seventeen and I know it's smarter to give it to someone who is ready to take care of it. But I just don't think I can do it." She looked at me, sorrow filled her eyes to replace the tears. "I'm so sorry, Eric. I know this will mess everything up for the rest of our lives, but I just can't."

Dr. Charlie sat quietly. I let out a breath and ran a hand through my hair. My baby. For the rest of my life. I'd heavily considered keeping it of course, but thinking about it then, with the doctor and Lauren and all of this really happening. All my plans, my life, swirling down the drain. I looked at Lauren, her legs still swinging off the table, biting her lower lip. I took her hand. I kissed it. I knew just by looking at her, I could never give away any part of her, any part of us. Just like that, it was decided. We were going to be parents. 

SIX

If I had been more of a man and less of a chicken shit, Lauren never would have ended up in the hospital. That's all I could think of that night as she laid in her hospital bed and I restlessly tossed in my bed at home.

She had collapsed in school right in front of her whole class. She had told the teacher that she didn't feel well and the teacher allowed her to go to the nurse, but she never made it  out of her classroom. From all the rumors I heard the nurse, came sprinting like the speed of light (even though I'd never even seen her roll her chair from place to place at much more than a snail's pace.) Nurse Pat woke Lauren and rolled her in a wheel chair down to her office. That's when I got called out of class to go to her office. 

"Eric, we are going to call for an ambulance for Lauren,” she told me. "I am concerned, with her vitals, that there is something wrong with the baby." 

That shook me like a storm, except I didn't know which did it to me more, something being wrong with the baby, or someone other than me and Lauren mentioning the baby. That's when it dawned on me, it was May and had been a month since the doctor’s appointment and we hadn't discussed the baby with anyone else, hardly even with each other.  

That first appointment with Dr. Charlie had been so overwhelming that I didn't even know where we were supposed to begin. She had given us so many packets and things to read about staying healthy and having a healthy baby, my head had been spinning. She gave us a diet for Lauren to follow and checklists about what she may experience. I had planned on going to Lauren's house that night when I dropped her off, to tell her parent's with her. But she insisted she do it alone. Point one, where I was a chicken. I was so relieved to have that pressure off me, that I just agreed.

"I really think it would be best if I tell them alone," she said. Darkness surrounded us while we sat in the car, unable to look each other in the eyes. "They are going to be super pissed and I don't need my dad pulling the shotgun out on you." She kind of laughed at that.

What I should have said was, "Absolutely not, shotgun or not, I am with you through every step."

What I said instead was, "Well, if you're sure. I mean, no one likes a shotgun." Another small, pathetically awkward laugh. I kissed her goodnight and headed to my empty home, my parent's still gone.

She texted later to tell me her parents took it well. They were obviously pissed and I should stay away from the house for a while. She asked me not to say anything to anyone else, she wasn't ready. It's pretty common knowledge that girls get a hell of a lot more shit said about them than guys when they are about to have a baby. So I agreed to all of it. I was nowhere near ready to tell anyone and especially not able to look at her parents.

My next mistake was that I hardly talked to her about it either. I figured she'd talk when she was ready, because deep down I knew I didn't want to talk about it or think about it.  I was terrified. Instead of checking up on her, making sure she was doing well, I avoided the big elephant that had just plopped down in the middle of the room. And because I couldn't be a man, there I stood, in the nurse's office, while Lauren lay there scared and as pale as the snow. I gave nurse Pat the "go ahead" nod, and she dialed. I sat down on the cot next to Lauren and held her hand.

"I'm sorry that I told her," she said. "I was just scared something was wrong."

I kissed her forehead. "You have nothing to apologize for. I'm going with you to the hospital and we will get this all taken care of."

She closed her heavy eyes and took a deep breath. I sat there stroking her hair and realized that in the last month since we found out about the baby, I'd let her slip away. We didn't talk on the phone until all hours of the night, we didn't text through classes, and I no longer snuck into her room at night. Our dates were sporadic, making time for them only when we felt we had to. I hadn't meant to pull myself away, I hadn't wanted to, but I was so scared of what would happen next, that I let it happen anyway. I couldn't help being terrified, that at 18 I was tethered together with someone for the rest of my life.

But in that moment, I started praying to God that she and the baby were ok. Because, despite how scared I was about everything that was going to happen in my life, I was more terrified to lose her. 

The moment we arrived at the hospital, her parent's pounced like pumas on me, asking questions. I was surprised at their open attack, since this was the first time I'd seen them since Lauren told them about the baby. What had happened? Was she sick? Did she seem funny?

"This is all just a precaution, they want to make sure the baby is ok."

Just like that, the air turned to ice.

"B..b..baby?" her mother asked, in a voice that reminded me so much of Lauren's.

"Yes, they were just worried about the vitals. I'm sure they will both be ok. Nurse Pat seemed to think so."

"Nurse Pat thinks they will both be ok?" her dad asked. 

"Yes.." I answered a little confused by their reaction.

"What baby?" her mother asked. Her eyes darkened an entire shade.  

Oh crap.

"She didn't tell you? She told me she told you like a month ago."

"No, she did not." her father spoke clear and precise.

At least they don't allow guns in the hospital, I thought. I took a deep breath.

"I'm really sorry to tell you like this, I thought Lauren already did.  But yes, Lauren is about three months pregnant. We are going to keep it and raise it like a family."

Well, it was true, if her dad had a shotgun, he would have used it.

"I'm sure you want to kill me right now, and I really don't blame you." Her father took a little lunge at me. Fortunately, whatever he planed didn't reach me, but only because her mother put a hand on his arm. "But I think the most important thing right now, is Lauren and the baby.  We can figure everything else out later."

His face got bright red. I took a step back. Her mother loved me or at least had loved me, I knew that, but I didn't know if her five foot frame was going to be a good blocker.

"He's right," she said instead.

Her father and I both stopped dead.

"What?" he asked incredulously. He was really hoping for the kill.  

"This is a horrible shock, but it's done and over with. They will be 18 when the baby comes and it is their decision.  They are too young, and I am so disappointed in you two," she said as she looked directly at me. She took a long pause before she continued. But then she looked back to her husband. "But right now, my baby is in there and I don't know what's going on, with her or my grand baby. So let's figure it all out later, and think about them right now."

Her husband immediately deflated, the gravity of her words hitting him hard. I relaxed a bit knowing that my death was not in my immediate future.   

"Lauren Cole's family?" a nurse asked from a doorway.

All three of us rushed at once. The nurse nodded to her parents and began telling them her diagnosis, a starvation/dehydration combo platter, until she saw me and stopped. "Are you the father?" she asked.

Father. The father. I hadn't heard those words come out of anyone yet, they sounded like they didn't fit. That they were foreign and I couldn't possibly imagine what they meant. But I nodded. She gave me a curt nod in response.

"Both the baby and Lauren are doing well," she said.

I felt the three of us let out the breath we were all holding. 

"She is resting. We have put in an IV drip for fluid intake. It seems Lauren has not been taking very good care of herself, in her present condition. Now, she did tell me that you both went to see a doctor about a month ago and that she gave her a diet to follow."

I nodded, everything seemed right. I felt her parents next to me, mixing anger with disappointment and sadness. 

"Well it seems that Lauren has not been following what the doctor asked her to do. In fact, Lauren has lost weight since her pregnancy. She confessed her concern about gaining weight and everybody knowing. While I understand how harsh high school can be, this is very unsafe for the baby, and since she did tell us that you both plan on keeping it, I highly suggest, that after we release her, which won't be for a day or two, to make sure she has enough fluids, that you help her with this. She seems to be struggling right now, she needs your support." The nurse finished her lecture to me. 

Funny how it seemed she was more upset that Lauren wasn't properly caring for herself, than how old we were. It was like no one wanted to point out the obvious, that we were way too young for this. No one wanted to mention it, when I myself wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!!!!"

"She needs rest, fluids, and food.  And she needs some TLC right now, someone to talk to.   She is resting now, but you all may go in and see her."

All three of us mumbled a thank you and headed for Lauren's room. Now that I was relieved, I was so confused. Why did she lie to me? Why would she tell me she told them, make up the whole story about how pissed they were, and really they had no clue? How could she be completely ignoring the doctor’s orders? I was at such a loss for words, that I wasn't sure I could walk into the room and see her.  I realized she had been slipping away from me, too.    

I just didn't know what to think anymore. I knew having a baby was going to get a lot more complicated from here. Maybe we weren't ready to have a baby. I opened her hospital room door thinking that we needed to have a talk about giving the baby up for adoption. It was really starting to feel like that was the best option for all of us. But, when I opened the door I saw her, with her gown lifted over her belly, which I now saw was far too thin, and I heard this little thump thump echoing in the room. Lauren looked right at me, stars in her eyes, a magnificent smile spread wide across her face.

"Eric, it's the baby," she whispered. 

I saw the doctor with a wand over her stomach and instantly realized what was happening.  I was hearing my baby's heart beat for the first time. I rushed to her side and grabbed her hand. I kissed her forehead, her hand, her tears. What an amazing miracle.

"I'm sorry, Eric. I'm so, so sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I'll do better. I promise you and the baby. I'll be a better man."

That promise, said through the tears, the confusion, the raw honesty, I knew was one I would hold forever.