Tattoo (6 page)

TWELVE

"I look terrible," she called down to me from the top of the stairs when her mom opened the door.

"She's feeling a little uncomfortable tonight," her mom whispered to me. 

Her mom had continued taking special care of Lauren, but that shadow that danced across her face still lingered. I hadn't figured out what it was about yet, but it was always there. But the night of prom she was nothing but excited. She beamed as she opened the door.

"Wait until you see her," she said and winked at me. 

I was nervous, full of jitters. This was the most normal thing I'd done for most of my senior year but I somehow felt like I didn't quite fit. I didn't know if it was the suffocating tux, the thought of an entire night spent with people I was dying to get away from, or if it was the fact that I couldn't dance, that had me all tied up in knots. But when Lauren came to the top of the steps, all of that melted away. She was beautiful.

She was wearing a satin green dress that I knew she was hoping would hide her baby bump but instead made it stick out just a little. Her eyes sparkled with a shine I hadn't seen before, her skin as white as porcelain. Her hair fell down her back in rivers of curls. I knew that I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of her all night, let alone my hands. But I really knew I couldn't wait to let that silk slide down off her skin.

In a rare moment of high school honesty, we were going to an after party, after prom, at Blake's house. When Lauren's father protested, her mother argued back.

"Nothing more can happen and you know she won't be drinking. Let her have this last bit of fun."

Her father stared coldly into her mother's eyes, but her mother wasn't backing down. Eventually he nodded his consent and left the room. 

"Wow, you look..." I couldn't seem to find the words.

"Fat," she filled in.

I shook my head. "No, absolutely amazing."

Pink crept into her cheeks and she looked away. I took a step toward her and put her corsage on her wrist. She looked up at me with that smile that could always melt my heart.

"Thank you," she whispered.

Her mother started to sniffle behind us and I turned around to see she was wiping her eyes. 

"Oh, geez mom. You're not crying are you?"

"Oh, you just hush. Phil, where's my camera?" 

He came into the living room holding her camera out to her, when he stopped suddenly, taking in the sight of his daughter. He smiled and shook his head in disbelief.

"He's right, you do look amazing." Those were the first words her father had spoken in my presence, since the hospital. Lauren's face lit up and she flung her arms around her father. Now her mom was really having a crying session. 

"Ok, ok, ok, pictures!" she said through her sobs.

We did the traditional pictures of Lauren and me, then Lauren and her mom, and then a picture of Lauren and her beaming father. There were some of just Lauren, and some goofy ones of just me. My nerves were gone completely and for the first time since March, I felt like a normal senior. But then I looked around at the laughter, the smiles, and I realized how much I'd really gained this year. I'd gained a family.

Blake and his crew pulled up in his limo and I could feel Lauren tense. I knew she was nervous about what people would say, or how they would act, but for once, I felt like we had a friend to back us up. We left her house and climbed in the limo. It smelled immediately of booze and I was tossed a beer as soon as I got in. I turned it in my hands a bit, I hadn't partied with anyone since the writing on Lauren's locker. I wasn't even sure I really remembered how. Glancing at Lauren, I started to twist off the cap, but at the last second handed it back. 

"Not right now man," I told Blake.

"That's cool, more for me," he laughed and opened it and drank it himself.

Blake's date, Trish, looked Lauren up and down. It would be a make or break moment, I knew. Trish and Blake had become the power couple of the school since Lauren and I handed in our reign. I knew whatever she said to Lauren would determine how everyone would treat her for the rest of the night. 

"That dress is absolutely gorgeous on you!" she told her.

"Um...thank you!" Lauren answered. I could hear some relief, and maybe even a bit of excitement in her voice. Trish and Lauren had gotten pretty close while we had been hanging out with them, but once news of the pregnancy hit, that fizzled away. I knew it hurt Lauren more than she pretended that she had become an outcast. I could see it every now and then in her eyes when she'd look at pictures of the group. But Trish was genuine that night as she pulled Lauren to sit next to her. They started talking like no baby bump sat between them. Even if it was for one night, it was nice to get to be a senior again.

The rest of the prom went smoothly and actually turned out to be fun. Of course we got some stares, some whispers behind our backs. Blake and Trish stayed with us all night. If we had no one else, at least for one night we had them. The food sucked as expected, but the music was good. I lucked out on not being able to dance well because Lauren's feet got tired fast, so I was only subjected to making a ridiculous fool of myself every couple of songs. By the end of the night though, I was even tired of hearing the music. 

"You want to step outside?" I asked Lauren. She quickly nodded and I grabbed her hand to lead the way.

We started walking around the garden path outside. Some seniors were drinking behind trees, others were doing it in the bushes. Hope they have a condom, I thought.

"So coach told me yesterday after school that I got a full ride scholarship offer."

"Oh Eric, that's so great! Where?"

"At the University. Not a great school, but who knows? Someone may find me," I told her half heartedly.

I had done a little research after I talked to coach. I found out that in the last ten years, not one player had been recruited from our local University. I waved a little more of a good-bye to my dreams when I saw that statistic. 

"Eric, I'm sorry," she told me. And I knew she was. She knew baseball had been everything I'd ever worked for, everything I ever wanted. 

I stopped and kissed her hand. "It's not your fault. I was there too, you didn't do this to yourself." I winked at her.

I took a look up at the stars; they were burning bright against such a dark sky.

"Can I ask you something?"

She nodded.

I took a deep breath. "My parents are kicking me out after graduation."

I heard her inhale sharply, I hadn't told her this yet. 

"They really don't want anything to do with me anymore. But the savings account I have is mine, so I have enough for a down payment and a couple months worth of rent in there. I'm going to pick up a summer job and keep stashing away money for the baby. But I wanted to ask, if you'd move in with me?"

I saw nervousness flash through her eyes. Who could blame her? We were barely 18, going to be fresh out of high school, going to be parents and now I'm asking her to move in with me? We were living the lives of people in their 20's, not their teens. As each day passed, I became more scared, I wasn't sure I was ready, but ready or not, that baby was coming in October. A moment passed, as the question hung in the air.

"Are you sure?" she asked me.

"I want you there with me, I want the baby there with me. I want to be a good dad."

I'm not sure that really answered her question and she knew it too. It wasn't her I was unsure about, I knew I loved Lauren more than I ever thought possible, but I wasn't sure I was ready to be an adult before I was done being a kid. But she took my answer like a life line, and reeled herself in for what would come next.

"Ok, then let's do it."

I pulled her in and let the silk of her dress slide against me. I buried my face in her neck, in her hair. I was right, I wasn't able to keep my hands off her for long. 

THIRTEEN

Graduation caps flung high in the air. Parties were scheduled for every weekend of the summer, good-byes reserved for the end. But I was spending my summer working forty hours a week, at a local coffee shop and another fifteen hours a week coaching baseball camps. I had secured an apartment on Main St. and was moving in July first. Lauren was going to be moving in in August. She wanted more time at home with her parents, which was fine with me because I had a lot of fixing up to do for the place. 

Part of the reason I was able to move in so quickly was because the landlord wanted it fixed up.  I offered to take care of it for him if he would lower the rent a little. He agreed, so I was able to pay the security deposit, first month's rent, and two more months of rent out of my savings account. After that I was drained of money. That was a problem, since I recently discovered how much a baby would cost. Lauren and I had spent one of my sporadic days off at baby stores making lists of things we needed. Clothes, crib, car seat, diapers, toys, the list seemed to go on and on. But first things first, before I could have Lauren or the baby living there, I needed to fix it up.

During my times off, I had fixed leaky faucets, patched holes in the walls, painted, fixed floor boards. Sometimes Lauren's dad would come and help too, which was always more helpful than he knew, but most of the time, I worked late into the night, so I was on my own. It seemed that my life was just one big list after another. But I kept at it. I had no choice.  

When baseball had ended in the beginning of June, I had been able to start going with her to check on the baby. It was amazing every time. How it grew so quickly, how it became this tiny little person. How much that little person would need. It was a lot of responsibility and every once in a while, when I would lay in bed alone in my apartment in the suffocating July heat, I would think about it all. The endless lists, the worrying, it was a lot. But then I'd see Lauren every night after my shift. I'd feel the baby move. And I knew somewhere inside that it would be ok. It wouldn't be easy, but I knew every time I looked into Lauren's eyes, that we would make it ok. 

The moment that changed my whole world, was the day Lauren decided she wanted to know the sex of the baby. We'd been going back and forth on the issue, debating it all the time.  At first it would be a yes, then she'd flip her mind like a light switch. 

During the car ride to her appointment in the beginning of July, she changed it again. I was taking the backroads on a gorgeous sunny day. We were singing at the top of our lungs, completely out of tune, blasting to the radio. It wasn't often that we got to relax and have fun but on this particular day I was enjoying every second. Lauren grabbed my hand that was resting on the stick shift. 

"I want to know the sex of the baby," she told me.

"You do? Are you sure this time? Not going to get a rage of pregnancy hormones and change your mind again?" I laughed.

She hit my arm in mock anger. Truth was, she knew I was right. Since June she'd been having crazy mood swings, highest highs with laughing and teasing, to tears and hating me in one swift move. Half the time I didn't know what I had done to piss her off. But her mother would assure me, after every door Lauren slammed towards me, that it was just the pregnancy. Not to worry, I was doing great. Even when Lauren's dad would come over once in a while to help with the apartment, he'd tell me there was nothing I could do about the "pregnancy brain" and it wouldn't get easier after the baby was out either. So I just needed to ride it out as best as I could. Her dad was still livid with me, but he hated me less and less.

"Yes, I'm really sure this time.  I want to start painting the nursery." she said and squeezed my hand.

"Well, ok then. We'll go pick the paint after the appointment." I smiled so wide I probably looked like a clown. I was so anxious to find out what we were having. I was crossing my fingers for a boy. A little boy I could teach to pitch, to swing a bat, to run the bases. I couldn't wait to buy him his first jersey.

During the ultra sound Lauren told Dr. Charlie we were ready to know the sex of the baby. After Lauren's stint in the hospital, Dr. Charlie had been watching Lauren carefully. But Lauren was doing so much better. She was eating right, and seemed to be handling her end of the pressure better. She kept up with her advanced classes but didn't get valedictorian because of a slight dip in her grades after the pregnancy. I didn't blame her but was so proud she finished the way she did. She had proven she was smart, ready to take on the challenge. She often seemed much more ready than me, but I did my best.

"Yea, we're sure this time." 

"Ok, well then take a look here." Dr. Charlie turned the screen towards us. She froze the screen on a picture. I still tended to think the baby looked like a blob, even though it was looking more like a person every time. But I didn't think I would be able to find his boy parts in the fuzzy greyness. Dr. Charlie looked at us both, deciding if we'd figured it out or not. When she realized we hadn't, she pointed at the screen.

"You're having a girl. Congratulations!"

Just like that, my heart exploded. A girl, a little baby girl. Every image I'd had of a little boy vanished like it had never been there to begin with. All of a sudden I saw pink everywhere. I looked at Lauren and saw tears spilling out of her eyes. I didn't realize that I was crying too, until Dr. Charlie handed us a box of tissues.

"I'll give you a minute." She slipped out of the room.

I could barely speak. "Can I buy her a pink mitt?"

Lauren laughed. "You can buy her anything you want."

I leaned down and kissed her. But I couldn't keep my eyes off the screen. A baby girl. Wow. 

All the way through the paint store we tossed baby names like a volleyball back and forth. 

"Maxine."

"Um no. Tessa"

"Meh, no. Jessica"

"Nope"

On and on we went, playfully arguing all the way to the paint aisle. I never knew there were so many shades of pink. I thought pink was pink. So, not only could we not pick a name, but now we had a new argument happening. 

"Rose Pink."

"No. Watermelon"

"Really? No chance. Oh, neon pink."

"You are such a guy. Strawberry."

"What are you making, a fruit salad in her room?"

We laughed and I tickled her. A shopper was passing by us and stopped.

"You will be wonderful parents," she told us, and kept pushing her cart. 

"Thank you!" we called after her.

"Ballerina Pink?" Lauren asked.

I looked at the color, really considering what it would look like in her room. Ya know, that one I like," I told her. Our first big decision. Check one for us.