Tangled in a Web of Lies (15 page)

“How could you fucking do this to me Lila? After everything I’ve done for you?”

“I’m sorry,” she cries, but he doesn’t believe her. She tries to reach out to touch him, but he pushes her away. His pain causes him to lash out.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Whore!”

“No! Odin, please…” she begs, trying to grab his arm as he picks up a dining chair and heaves it across the room. Rage takes over, and he loses sight of everything. He picks up the vase on her dining table and throws it at the wall where it shatters.

She stands in the corner of the kitchen, watching with two wide and watery eyes while he unleashes his anger.

“Fuck you, Lila!” he screams, barely able to look at her. “No wonder Jaime beat you!” Unable to contain himself, he turns his back on the wreckage between them, and heads for the door.

“Odin, wait! Don’t leave me,” she begs, but he’s too hurt to give a shit.

“Shut the fuck up! You’re a Baby killing Whore! I hate you and I hope you rot in hell.” He slams the door behind him. He hears her screaming, and something inside him tells him he shouldn’t leave, but he can’t bring himself to turn around.

She fucked someone else! She hid a fucking abortion from him, telling him she loved him the whole time. Sickening! He climbs into his truck, tires skidding as he races away.

Fuck that bitch. That evil, manipulative bitch!
He slams his fist into the dash, trying not to cry. But the tears come anyways.
Fuck her.

“Fuck!” he screams, losing his mind as he drives further away from her.

Odin slams the door on his way out, leaving me a screaming, raving, mess. I don’t deserve him. I should have told him about the baby, I could have told him now just wasn’t the right time. Or better yet, I should have gone to Cole’s house like he’d told me to, and never went home. Then Jaime would have never raped me.

Could have. Should have.

It doesn’t matter now. Odin hates me and when he walks out the front door, he takes every reason for being with him. I lose it, grabbing things, throwing things, hitting things, tearing everything within my reach apart. Anything to stop the pathetic fucking tears streaming down my face. This is all my fault.

Only after I’ve cut up my hands, punching the pictures hanging on the wall do I start to laugh hysterically. My kitchen and living room are in pieces when the numbness starts to take over. It pushes all my hurt, along with all my sanity away from me. I embrace the numbness. I don’t want to feel anything. Not anger, not pain, not a god damned thing. I get up off the floor and pull a bottle of Jack down from the cupboard. There are more than a few shots left in the bottom. I choke them down to the last drop, and let it slip from my hands. It rattles as when it hits the floor.

I reach into the cupboard for the next bottle, not bothering to read the label. I drag it into the living room with me, setting on the coffee table, I reach for my guitar.

I feel empty. Hopelessly, depressingly empty. I take a few more burning gulps from the bottle, then lay my head on the side of my guitar. I close my eyes as my fingers dance along the strings, playing a dark and sad melody.

I try to push my feelings away, and embrace the emptiness. But flashes of all the awful shit that’s happened recently run through my head…

Jaime and Rick, hold me down on the living room floor, Jaime forces his gun inside of me, threatening to shoot me. I should have begged him to just kill me. I think he wanted me to suffer. I think all of this was his sick plan. He knew after what he did, I’d never be able to find happiness.

My fingers flick across the strings, putting my head further into the hole of self destruction. I feel disgusting. Odin can’t even look at me. I’ve lost my job, my life, and my love. This time Billy isn’t here to save me.

“When I first met you I thought you were an Angel.

But your wings turned black and you dragged me down to your hell.

Tell me that you love me with your hands around my neck.

When I come to I will tell you, you make me sick

But I love you so bad, this love is so bad.”

The words come to me, and I sing them to the sad tune of the guitar. My head clouds with thoughts of Jaime, Billy and Odin. Everything I’ve ever loved has turned on me. In the end, I’m always alone.

“Call me crazy, call me insane

All the love this heart has ever known is pain

And I love you so bad.

Maybe you’d think after all the abuse

I’d turn my back and let go of you

But I love you so bad.

Use me up and throw me away

Would I even love you any other way

This love is bad, this love is so bad

You drive me so mad, you hurt me so bad

When you love me so bad.”

Even as I sing, I feel the sting of the bite marks on my neck, reminding me of the love I no longer have. I picture Odin’s face moments ago, the way he turned his back on me. Inside I can feel myself dying and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

“Tie me up Baby, tie me down

Get your sick thrill when you throw me around

This love is so bad

You got me hooked like a junkie on cocaine

Make me feel so crazy good it’s insane

I need you so bad

Sometimes I think you’ll be the death of me

When you’re gone baby I have nothing

I love you so bad, I need you so bad

This love is so bad, you hurt me so bad

This love is so bad…”

I can’t fight the hate I feel for myself in this moment. I just want this to be over. I can’t live like this anymore, the lies, the heartbreak, ruining everything I touch. I push the guitar aside, ready to end this once and for all, I stumble into the bathroom.

I grab a bottle of Valium, a sinister feeling of nothingness settling inside me. I stare at myself in the mirror, expecting some voice inside my head to tell me this is a bad idea, but there is an eerie quietness. I make my way into my room, and grab the CD that Odin gave to me last week.

I put the CD in the stereo in the living room, and Odin’s voice fills the room. I sit on the couch, and stare at the bottle of Valium in my hand. I can’t explain my urge to swallow them all, but the bottle in my hand promises a way out, a solution to all of this pain. I dump the pills out on the table, and swallow the first few with a shot of liquor.

I keep expecting after the fifth one, or even the sixth one that I’ll suddenly start to regret what I’m doing. I expect the voice of Reason to come running in and tell me to stop before it’s too late. But it doesn’t.

My stomach starts to burn almost immediately, reminding me of the baby that’s no longer there. Was it Odin’s? Did I really kill Odin’s baby, trying to hide what Jaime did to me?

Oh God! I am a monster. I place a hand over my empty womb, screaming in pain, worse than I’ve ever felt before. All the guilt comes crashing down on me, making it easy to swallow the last of the pills. I don’t deserve Odin. I don’t deserve anything.

After a few minutes, my head is in the clouds. I lye back on the couch with a bottle of alcohol, feeling more relaxed and at ease. I close my eyes, dreaming of a different time. The summer, Odin and I chasing the sunset down the Pacific Coast Hwy on his Chopper. Running down the sand, and chasing each other through the waves. The feeling of being whole when we were together… Then all thoughts slowly slip away from me.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. She’s gone away.”
Odin’s voice carries me away to a place that’s quieter and more peaceful, a place where my pain no longer hurts. My eyes roll backwards as I lose my grip on reality.

My last cognitive thought is a vision. A 14 year old Billy is smiling at me as we race away in his car, away from school, and a dead John Church. We know the world around us will come crashing down on us any minute, but each second we spend together, life is perfect, simple and sweet. He takes my hand in his.

“Anywhere you want to go baby. I’ll take you away from here.”

Everything goes black. The knots in my stomach loosen up, and life itself slowly slips away…

Devil’s Cut

Odin pulls up to his house and finds Cole in the driveway, holding a digital tablet.
Great, just what he fucking needs!

Odin stops abruptly in the truck, screeching the breaks. He storms out of the truck, slamming the door behind him.

“What’s up Bro?” Cole asks, staring at Odin as he bounds toward the front door with his keys.

“Shitty fucking day!” Odin says under his breath, letting himself into the house. He leaves the door open behind him, hoping that Cole will just take the hint and go away, but his life is never that easy.

“How’s Lila?” Cole asks, taking a bar stool in Odin’s kitchen while Odin wrestles around the cupboard, pulling down a bottle of scotch and a tumbler glass.

“I really don’t give a fuck how she is!” Odin snaps, pouring a shot in the glass, and pounding it back.

“Care to include me?” Cole asks.

Odin pours another shot, and slides the glass along the table toward Cole.

“Not what I meant, but okay.” Cole takes the shot, wincing as the burning liquor slides down his throat. “What’s going on?” he asks more seriously, handing the glass back to Odin.

“Lila had a fucking abortion today, didn’t even fucking tell me. The nurse ratted her out at the clinic by accident. When I asked her about it, she didn’t deny it.” Odin slams another shot of scotch. He fills the glass again and slides it back to Cole, whose gaping at him.

Cole slowly drinks the next shot of scotch, completely shocked. He holds the glass in his hand a while, choosing his next words carefully.

“Did she say why?” Cole squints up at Odin, finding it hard to believe that Lila would do this.

“She didn’t fucking say anything! She just cried, like I’m supposed to feel bad for her. Can you believe that shit?”

“No, I really can’t,” says Cole, passing the tumbler back to Odin who fills it up again.

“That’s not even the worst fucking part man.” Odin’s eyes get dark as he fixes them on his glass. “I asked her if it was mine. She couldn’t answer me. She didn’t know.” Odin closes his eyes, fighting tears as he takes another shot. He keeps his eyes closed, focusing on the burn of the scotch.

“No way.” Cole can’t bring himself to believe that. Lila’s just not that kind of girl, it doesn’t make any sense.

“You really believe she cheated on you?”

“If you would have told me so yesterday, I would have decked you in the face and told you to go fuck yourself. But I’m telling you, I sat in the clinic for a few hours thinking she was having a fucking cyst removed until the nurse came out to tell me the abortion went okay! The second I asked Lila about it, she copped right to it! Couldn’t give me any explanation, just started crying.” Odin starts to get choked up, picturing Lila in tears, cowering in front of him. He grips the edge of the counter, grinding his teeth in his mouth.

Don’t fucking do it! Don’t even let yourself feel sorry for her. She cheated and she lied, she deserved everything you said!
The still angry voice in his head tells him. But despite his hurt, he has this sick feeling like he fucked up.

“I don’t know Brother. There’s got to be some explanation.”

“How the fuck do you explain hiding an abortion!?” Odin cuts Cole off.

Cole shrugs, “Maybe she had some kind of medical condition and didn’t have a choice. Maybe she was afraid to tell you, girls are really shy about their personal shit.” Cole tries to come up with some sort of defense for Lila. He just can’t wrap his mind around her being this scandalous.

I had to.

Odin remembers her saying, begging him to stop. He starts to regret his actions. All the horrible things he said to her come back to haunt him.

Cole can sense Odin’s uncertainty. “Look man, all I know is, when a girl does something that’s way out of character, there’s usually a lot more to the story. We both know you’ll never be able to move on, if you don’t figure out what that story is. An abortion is a big fucking deal man. It’s the hardest decision a woman ever has to make, cut her some slack. She probably needs you right now. You owe it to yourself to at least get some answers.”

“Fuck!” Odin hisses, knowing full well that Cole is right. He should have never gone off on her the way he did. Cole’s right, there has to be more than she’s telling him. He’s just too angry to put the pieces together. Reluctantly, he grabs his keys off the table, and rushes back out the door.

He speeds through traffic back toward West Covina, but he can’t get there fast enough. He has the terrible feeling like something is wrong, maybe it’s just the guilt of what he said.
Baby Killing Whore? What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re just like your old man going off on her like that!
His conscious eats at him.

When he finally pulls up out front, Gus is outside knocking on her door. Odin gets out of the truck and he can hear his voice coming from inside.

“Hey, I don’t know what’s going on in there. Neighbors called to complain about the noise. She’s not answering,” Gus says.

Odin’s heart races, as panic grips him. He pounds his fist on the door.

“Lila!” he hollers. When there’s no immediate answer, he tries again. “Lila!”
Shit! Something’s not right.
“You got a key?” he asks Gus, in a hurry to get inside the door.

“Back in the office,” Gus gestures behind him.

“I’ll replace the door.” Odin says, reaching into the back of his pants, under his Devil’s Bandit cut.

“What the hell?” Gus watches, horrified as Odin pulls a gun from his back pocket. “Wow, Wow!”

Before he can protest, Odin shoots the doorknob twice, blowing a hole in the door around it. He kicks the door open and runs inside, searching for Lila.

“Lila,” he yells, taking a glance in the kitchen. The pieces of their fight still lay spread across the floor. There’s a hole in the wall where he laid his fist just inches from her face.

He turns in a hurry, praying to God that she’s here somewhere. When he walks into the living room, his heart sinks into his stomach . Lila’s lying face down on the floor in a puddle of vomit.

“Lila!” he screams, rushing over to her.

“Jesus Christ what the hell happened in here?” Gus mutters in the background.

“Lila! Baby, wake up! Come back to me, Lila. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry!” He holds her head in his arm. Her eyes roll back, scaring the shit out of him. He can hear Gus cursing as he calls 911 behind him.