Tangled in a Web of Lies (6 page)

I can see Odin is fighting all kinds of emotions on the inside. It’s so unlike him, not to be completely confident in his every move.

“Sorry, I didn’t know he was your brother.”

I know exactly what he thought, and I don’t blame him for being upset. If I walked into a bar and saw Odin with another woman, I’d be really hurt too. I stand quietly a moment, unsure of what to say. This whole situation is so fucked up.

“Something doesn’t feel right here, Lila. I don’t know what it is. I shouldn’t have come here, but I got scared when you didn’t answer. I’ve had this feeling ever since you took off to Wyoming that something scared you away.”

“It was nice of you to come check on me. But, I should get back to my company.”

“I made you something.” Odin fumbles in the pocket of his cut, decorated with his patches. I remember wearing that same cut myself a few times, and feeling like I was a queen, cloaked in the finest of fashions.

He hands me a CD in a plastic case, and I take it.

“I’m sorry I barged in like this,” he says, his eyes filled with regret.

“It’s okay.”

Odin pulls me into him, hugging me. I close my eyes as he embraces me, taking in his warmth. I don’t want him to go. I want to invite him inside, and introduce my brother to the man I love. He kisses my forehead affectionately. I breathe in his scent, the alluring mixture of Motorcycle fumes and Old Spice.
Please don’t let go.

When he turns to leave, I’m left feeling torn apart and unprotected, hurt and vulnerable. I watch him start his bike and pull away, taking any chance I’ll ever have at happiness with him when he goes. I hold the CD to my heart, and try and regain myself before I go back inside.

Dustin has cleared the table of poker chips and is watching TV on the couch. He watches quietly as I walk back to my room and shut the door.

I pull out my laptop and slip the CD inside. I plug my headphones in and set the computer on the pillow beside me, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. The beautiful sound of acoustic strings being carefully picked over, soothes my soul. Odin’s voice is a great comfort, but his words break my heart.

“Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, only darkness every day. Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone and this house just ain’t no home anytime she goes away.”

Fuck!
Odin’s dark and pained voice strains through the song, filling me with unbearable sadness. I know exactly how he feels. Without him there is no sunshine in my life, only darkness.

I put his song on repeat, embracing the abyss of emptiness inside me, and the all too familiar numbness that is slowly eating away every last bit of my sanity.

I fall into a deep sleep, dreaming of all the times we were together. We played out each other’s darkest fantasies. I gave him everything I had to give, my heart, my trust, my body, my mind. The pain was a rush of adrenaline, better than any drug I’ve ever known. But that wasn’t the best part. The very best part, was simply having someone who’d sacrifice anything for me, someone to protect me at any cost.

Odin’s love did something to me. It was like he was taking me apart, and building me into an entirely different person. It worked, I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been. The girl I was when I first fell in love with Jaime would be huddled in a ball in the corner, crying her sad little eyes out. But not me. I’m the girl that Odin rebuilt. I’m the girl who survived Jaime Mosley. This might not be my idea of living, but I’m sure as hell surviving.

In my dream Odin walks away, leaving me tied up in a dark room alone. I call for him, but he doesn’t come back. My binds begin to ache into my skin. And then there is a terrifying pressure as the ropes dig into the tops of my arms.

I shoot out of bed in a horror, my heart pounding so hard it hurts. I gasp for air, panting in my dark room. I try and catch my breath, putting my head phones back on. I let Odin’s soulful voice carry me back to sleep again.

Dustin takes off Sunday afternoon and I can hardly stand my empty apartment. I don’t know what has come over me, but the need to see Odin is so strong, I find myself in the mustang, driving passed his house. Each time I slow down, but I can’t bring myself to stop. I’m pathetic, and I know it. One part of me says leave now, there’s nothing for you here. And the other part begs me to park the car and go inside.

Odin’s truck is in the driveway, and the lights in his house are on. I ring the doorbell but no one answers. I try the handle, and it’s unlocked. I feel intrusive letting myself in, even though I once roamed this house freely every weekend.

“Hello,” I call out, but I don’t hear anything. I start to make my way toward the band room, knowing that sometimes Odin records with head phones on. But then I hear a door open upstairs and a woman laughing. My heart pounds as I stare up at the loft where the pool table is.

A beautifully tall, dark skinned woman with silky black hair stops in her tracks when she sees me. I suddenly feel like a fish out of water. I have no right to be in Odin’s house, and I feel my face redden with embarrassment.

“Who are you?” she asks stunned.

Just then, Odin walks out from behind her, his button up shirt hanging open to expose his chest. I get the sick feeling in my gut that I just walked in on something private.

“Lila. What are you doing here?” Odin’s eyes are wide, and he hurries to button up his shirt.

I stare up at them. They look like a couple fresh out of a magazine. She is model pretty. She has the perfect shape, thin and lean. Her straight dark hair flows over her bare tan shoulders. The loose fitting beach dress clings to her in all the right places and it hits me, she must be Daniella. Words escape me, as I stand in the entrance to Odin’s house embarrassed and green with jealousy.

“That’s a really good question. I’m sorry I didn’t realize…” I stutter as Odin hurries his way down the stairs, leaving who I assume is Daniella, at the top of the stairs looking down on us. I turn to leave, desperate to get away from what I wasn’t ready to see.

“Hey wait up,” I hear him call behind me. I pick up my pace, hurt and angry and wondering why the fuck I thought this would be a good idea.

Odin catches my hand and pulls me around. I instantly pull away from him, but his grip tightens.

“Let go of me!” I demand, jerking my hand away.

He stares at me confused, waiting for some sort of explanation.

“I have no idea why I came here. It was a mistake,” I admit.

“I’m glad you did.”

I have no idea what to say, so I ask the obvious instead.

“Did you fuck her?” I have absolutely no right to ask but that doesn’t stop me. Before I hunt that bitch down and set her house on fire, I should probably know for sure.

“No,” Odin says with a smile, amused at my jealousy. “But maybe I was going to.”

I glare at him. Even though I broke up with him, and I have no right to be mad, I’m fuming.  The thought of him fucking her, makes me want to go shove my fist down her throat and rip her heart out. But what can I say? I told him I wanted a break.

“Is that Daniella?”

He nods, confirming my assumption. She’s just as beautiful as he described her.

“Well, don’t let me keep you.” I try to sound numb, as I turn to leave.

“That’s the problem, all I want is to keep you. But I’m not good enough for you,” he calls at my back, stopping me in my tracks. He’d ditch her for me, and it’s exactly what I want to hear. Despite the circumstances, I find myself smiling. “Don’t leave, Lila.”

I turn to look at him, and in a second, Odin palms the side of my head in his hand and leans down to kiss me. My walls crumble around me, and I surrender, allowing his tongue to dive into my mouth and claim me. His kiss makes me weak as his soft lips press into mine. The spark between us ignites once more as Odin wraps his other arm around me.

The fire inside me burns wild. This is dangerous.

“Why are you running from me baby?” he whispers against my lips, his blue eyes boring into mine.

I open my mouth but the words don’t come out. In my head, I can still see Jaime on top of me. I panic on the inside, fearing the truth would kill both of us.

“What Ly? Talk to me.”

Daniella walks out the door, and as much as I hate her, she’s a welcome distraction.

“I have to go,” I whisper without giving him any further explanation. I push away from him and run back to my car. I know this isn’t over. What the hell was I thinking coming here?

I speed toward home, and never glance back at the man I’ve left standing in my wake.

Monday before work I head to group therapy. It helps me put things in perspective, knowing that there are lots of people like me, dealing with pain like mine. Their progress gives me hope.

Dr. Joan asks me if the prescription she gave me is helping any with the nightmares. I tell her about the side effects of nausea and she says that’s normal, but usually wears off.

She’s right, throughout the week I battle less morning queasiness, and less nightmares.

Wednesday, just as I’m about to get off the late lunch shift, Shannon strolls into the bar. She’s wearing her usual skin tight black jeans and a leather jacket with long strands of fringe down the sleeves. Her platinum blonde hair is dolled up with brightly colored feathers that bounce lightly as she walks toward me.

“I was hoping I’d find you here,” she says, smiling at me as she takes a stool at the bar.

“I’m just about to clock out,” I tell her.

“Perfect! I’ll take a Stella, and meet you outside when you finish up.”

I hope she isn’t here to guilt trip me about Odin. She’s all smiles as I make my make my way into the back to grab my things.

When I emerge onto the deck, Shannon has her over bedazzled purse sitting on the table, and she’s smoking an elegantly long cigarette. She flicks the end with a fake pink nail as I take the seat across from her.

“How’ve you been?” she asks like we’re old girlfriends.

“Okay. What’s up?”

“I just wanted to come see how you are doing. I miss seeing you around, and I know Odin does too.” She smiles genuinely.

“Thanks.”

Shannon lets a puff of smoke out from her nose, and ashes into the glass tray on the table.

“It’s not my business, but I think I know what’s going on, and I wanted to share something with you,” she says. Her face is serious, like she’s getting ready to tell me something big. Surely she can’t possibly know what’s really going on.

  “I know how it feels to have everyone looking at you like you’re a whore because you fell in love with the wrong person.” Her words come as a surprise, and I stare at her puzzled.

She takes another hit of her cigarette, and blows it into the open air. “You know I have lived in Santa Monica my whole life? My father was in the club.”

I nod, Odin told me who Shannon’s dad was.

“Back in high school, I used to date Rick.”

“Rick Mosley?” I ask, completely shocked.

“Yes ma’am. He asked me to his senior prom when I was a sophomore. He was my high school sweet heart. When I was 22 he asked me to marry him.”

I try not to gape at her. I can’t even imagine someone as awesome as Shannon dating a piece of shit like Rick.

“I was in such a hurry to be an old lady, I said yes. We drank a lot, and we fought a lot, and he was always gone on the road.”

I nod, knowing exactly what that is like.

“One night I broke down on my way home. Actually, I crashed Rick’s Thunderbird after a few too many drinks. I knew he would flip out, and I panicked. I called Micah to come help me cover it up somehow. I’m not sure why I called him, I trusted him I guess. He helped me stage the accident, to look like a hit and run. Then it was our little secret.

We started hanging out a little here and there, he’d come to see Rick and stay to see me. That’s when I knew I didn’t want Rick. Before long, Micah and I had a whole mess of secrets. There was just something about him that was undeniably attractive. He treated me like I was a queen, said I made him feel like a god.” The fond look in Shannon’s eye tells the whole story. Sitting here in her leather jacket, boots to her knees and feathers falling out of her hair, she looks like a biker Queen. I try to imagine a young romance between Micah and Shannon.

“It must have been really hard to hide.”

She shrugs, stamping out her cigarette in the ash tray.

“Suddenly everything I had with Rick just didn’t matter, and all I could see was Micah. I knew it was wrong, but he was my heart’s desire. One night, we finally had to tell Rick what was going on. He and Micah got into a huge brawl. Micah let Rick beat the shit out of him. He felt guilty, but he said in the end, he walked away with the prize.” Shannon smiles at the heart felt memory. I can’t help but think about the awful scream match between Jaime and Odin at the jail.

“I broke Rick’s heart, and I felt terrible, but I still wouldn’t go back and change it if I could. Micah is my soul mate. I love him with my whole heart, and I could have never loved Rick the same way. It took years for Rick and Micah to be able to be in the same room. It caused a lot of conflict in the club. In the end, it doesn’t matter. We can’t help who we fall in love with.”

Her words sink in, and leave my heart longing for Odin.  “I had no idea you used to date Rick,” I shake my head in awe. Suddenly, Rick’s hostility towards me makes even more sense.

“Yea, there’s a lot you kids don’t know.” Behind her smile is a lifetime’s worth of secrets. “Anyways, for what it’s worth, I think you and Odin belong together. I know he’s complicated. The boy has been through a lot. But he cares about you a lot, Doll, and as a mother, I just want to see him be happy. I look at the two of you and I see me and Micah all over again.”

“Really?” I don’t know why I take it as a huge compliment. Shannon nods and puts her hand over mine on the table.

“Well, I should get going. Micah is going to start wondering where I am. He’ll have a fit if he knows I’m meddling.  Not that he expects any less,” Shannon jokes.

“I’m glad you came.” We stand and hug, and then Shannon walks down the deck into the front parking lot. When she leaves I head back through the restaurant and out the back door to my car.

When I make it home, I check the mail. My heart jumps when I see a letter from Billy amongst the rest of the envelopes. I hurry inside to open it, a huge smile spreading on my face…

Hey Lila, just wanted to see how you are doing. Everything is going the same here, I might be eligible to get on a work program that lets me work in a warehouse. That would mean getting to leave this place for 10 hours a day! How’s bar tending? How do you like your new place?

                                               -Billy

I wish he’d written more, but I’m happy he’s kept his word and written at all. I miss him, and even the few words he’s scratched out for me, warm my heart in a way that makes life seem not so miserable. I change into my pajamas, and settle on the couch with a pen and note pad. It’s easy to find the words to write him back. Expressing my feelings to Billy is second nature.

Billy,

         I’m so glad you finally wrote me! The new place is okay. I don’t really know anyone around here. I miss Santa Monica, but it’s good for me to get away. I really hope that work program works out for you! I’m sure it would be really nice to get out for a few hours a day!

I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I have so many good memories of us being kids that really keep me going when I’m feeling down. I thought maybe, I’d share some of them with you, that maybe they’d make you smile too.

I remember every thanksgiving and Christmas, your mom would sign me out of school, and say she was my Aunt. Then I would get to spend the holiday break with you. Her husband was a total jerk, and we used to call him Dan Dan the Douche Bag Man. I remember your mom would let us stay up late in your room, and she told me to make sure I slept on the couch, but I never actually did. The first Christmas we just stayed up and watched movies and talked. Then by the next Thanksgiving, we stayed up all night making out and cuddling.

I remember you had a dirt bike in the garage, you said it was what you missed most about home. You let me ride on the back. Guess it makes sense I grew up to have a thing for bikers.

I remember the first time you told me you loved me over the phone in 7
th
grade. I believed you. I never believed anyone else, but for some reason I just knew you meant it.

I want you to know that you are so important to me! I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did for me. Because of you, I have closure. I know I have told you 100 times, but it’s still true. I know you have said if you could go back, you’d do things differently. I don’t blame you. But I’m forever thankful that you did what you did for me. You saved me in so many ways, and you showed me that I was worth the love my parents didn’t give me.

All my happy memories as a teenager are filled with you. You are so many of the reasons that my life was great, despite all the terrible shit that happened to me. Even still, through all the bullshit, you are one thing I always count on to keep me moving forward.