Talk Sexy to the One You Love (12 page)

It doesn’t matter how long it takes to get comfortable.

Sooner or later, you
will
get comfortable. As far as I’m concerned, all that matters right now is that you are enjoying the process.

Of course, it’s also possible that you’re bursting at the seams by now; that you don’t think you can wait another minute to start sharing what you’ve learned.

Well, if that’s the case, don’t let
me
hold you back.

Turn the page and get going!

C H A P T E R 1 2

Partners in Crime

I
T’S time to start talking sexy to the one you love.

Once you break the ice, you’re going to generate enough heat to melt icebergs. But how do you begin? What do you say first? When do you say it? And how do you get the courage?

Relax. The exercises in this chapter are going to help you utter your first words in the presence of a partner.

We’re going to start off slow—
really
slow—keeping the pressure at a minimum and the excitement at a maximum. By the time this chapter is over, you’ll feel so comfortable talking sexy in front of your partner you may never be silent again.

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Ground Rules for Getting Started

Before you and your partner begin your first exercise together, I need to make a few things clear. All of the partner exercises in this chapter, and in the remaining chapters of this book, are what I call “pressure-free, demand-free” partner exercises (the more clinical term is “nondemand interaction”). There is only one goal: learning how to talk sexy to your partner, and having fun doing it.
These are exercises, not sex acts
. Sex is
never
mandatory, and sexual pressure is a no-no. There are no grades here. No good and bad, no right and wrong. All you’re trying to do is talk.

If this is going to be a positive experience for both of you, you and your partner need to accept the following ground rules:

1: Read through each exercise together from start to finish before you try it. If necessary, discuss the exercise before you begin.

2: Both of you must feel completely comfortable with an exercise if you are going to try it. If either one of you has doubts, skip it. You can always return later.

3: I’ve recommended a time limit for every partner exercise. This is only a recommendation. Don’t get upset if you lose track of time and go “over the limit”—it means you’re having fun. Also feel free to shorten the time frame of any exercise, but be aware that you might not get the full benefit of an exercise if you’re too rushed.

Partners in Crime / 121

4: When both of you agree to do an exercise, you are agreeing to play along with whatever is called for.

These exercises are far more fun if both people stay in character. If you don’t think you can be a good sport, don’t get started.

5: You are going to be doing a lot of talking. Both of you need to understand that it’s just talk. There is a big difference between talking sexy and actually doing something about it.
It doesn’t matter what you
say or what you ask for
—you are under absolutely no obligation to ever deliver anything but words.

6: You need to trust that you can say absolutely anything to your partner, and vice-versa, free of judgment or criticism. If, at any time, either one of you is feeling judged or criticized, you need to communicate that immediately.

7: Sexual pressure destroys the value of any exercise.

If either one of you is feeling pressured in any way, it is important to communicate that immediately to your partner—even if it’s pressure that you are putting on yourself.

8: These exercises are very stimulating. If an exercise leads to sex, and you both want that, terrific. But
both of you
have to want it.

9:
If you are going to have sex, keep it safe
! I have written this book primarily for committed, monogamous couples who know each other to be safe from sexual risk. Yet I realize that not all readers are cur-rently in such a relationship. If you are not in a committed, monogamous relationship, yet wish to practice these exercises with a partner, it is imperat-ive

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that you are always practicing safe sex techniques.

Condoms
must
be used in exercises where there is physical contact, even if you are not having intercourse! If you use condoms as a standard birth control practice, I also recommend using them in any partner exercise where there is physical contact.

Just for Beginners

Are you ready? Is he? Then let’s get started. The following three exercises are my absolute favorite beginner exercises for couples. While some may appeal to you more than others, I’d like you to try them all at least once.

Exercise 25: Magic Fingers

(20-30 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise begins with your partner lying in bed, face down (minimizing eye contact will minimize the potential for embarrassment). He should be fully clothed. Dim the lights in the room, then sit next to him on the bed or lie stretched out next to him on your side. Remember your favorite nouns, verbs, and adjectives from chapters 7 through 10—the ones you marked with an asterisk? Your goal is to spell a bunch of these words out, letter-by-letter, on your partner’s back using your index finger as though it were a pencil.

Write slowly, letting your partner guess each letter as you write it. If he guesses right, say yes and move on to the next letter. If he guesses wrong, say Partners in Crime / 123

no, and write it again. When you have finished spelling out the word, say, “That’s it.” You do not need to say the word out loud, and neither does your partner, though you can, of course, if you want to. You just need to be sure that he got it.

After you’ve done this with lots of words, try some of your sexy bad-lib sentences from Chapter 11 (or your sexy sentences from Chapter 5, Exercise 3). You’re still doing this word by word, one letter at a time. But before you start to spell out the first word of your sentence, let your partner know that you’re writing a sentence; then when you’re done, let him know that you’ve finished.

Do you want to switch roles? If your partner is interested in switching too, lie face-down on the bed and let him spell out his own sexy words and sentences on
your
back.

Exercise 25 is the perfect exercise to practice over and over again. You have lots of new words and sentences to introduce to your partner, and this is probably the most low-pressure way to start—after all, the only words you have to say are
yes, no
, and
that’s it
.

Once you’ve tried Exercise 25 a few times and you’re ready to spice it up a bit, try Exercises 26 and 27.

Exercise 26: Bubble Talk

(40-60 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise is very similar to Exercise 24, but it takes place in the bathtub, and clothing is not 124 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

recommended (not even a swimsuit). Fill the tub the way you would normally do when taking a bath with your partner. If you have never bathed with your partner, now’s the time to start. Sit in the tub with your partner in front of you, both of you facing forward. You don’t want to look each other in the eyes.

That means you want to see his back, not his face.

Using your index finger as though it were a pencil, start writing your favorite sexy words, letter-by-letter, on your partner’s back. Write slowly, letting him guess each letter. If he guesses right, say yes. If he guesses wrong, say no and write it again. When you have finished spelling the word, say, “That’s it.”

After you’ve written lots of sexy words, try writing some of your sexy sentences. If you’re feeling creative, make up some new sentences to fit the moment (for example, “Is that a bar of soap I just felt, or are you happy to see me?”)

Feel free to switch positions in the tub and switch roles at any time if your partner is interested in doing a little of his own spelling.

Exercise 27: Tongue-Tied

(20-30 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise is an interesting variation on Exercises 25 and 26. There’s just one catch: Instead of using your index finger to spell out your words, try using your
tongue
.

One word of caution: If you’re in the bathtub, make sure to rinse off any soap that’s on his back, or your back, before anyone gets a tongue lashing.

Partners in Crime / 125

Learning to Spell and Speak

It’s time to get a little more daring, that is, a little more verbal. The next two exercises are going to help you get the words out with a minimal amount of pressure or embarrassment. To help do this, we’re going to start with some of
his
words—the words
he
has always wanted to hear
you
say. Since he’ll be the one doing the choosing, you’re virtually guaranteed that the first sexy words out of your mouth won’t make him faint.

Once your partner has played his cards, so to speak, and revealed just how sexy
his
thoughts are, he’s going to be a lot more receptive to your thoughts and your words, and you’re going to feel a lot more comfortable saying them out loud.

Exercise 28: Little Secrets

(40 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise begins with you lying in bed, face-down. If you wish to remain fully clothed, that’s fine.

If you want to take your top off, or take everything off, that’s fine too (though I recommend you leave the sheets on). Your partner should dim the lights, then sit or lie next to you on the bed. Using his index finger as a pencil, your partner’s job is to spell out on your back, letter-by-letter, sexy words that
he
has always wanted to hear
you
say. After he has finished spelling each word, you have two options. You can either softly say the word out loud
or
if you are uncomfortable with his choice, you can say “pass.”

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After ten minutes, switch positions. Think about the words you have always wanted to hear your
partner
say. Spell them out on his back, letter-by-letter, using your index finger.

He also has the option to say the word out loud or to say “pass.”

Switch positions again. This time, let your partner spell out sexy sentences he has always wanted to hear you say. If the sentence appeals to you, say it softly out loud. If it makes you uncomfortable, say “pass.”

After ten minutes, switch one last time and start writing sexy sentences you have always wanted to hear your partner say to you. Once again he has the option to say the sentence aloud or to say “pass.”

Exercise 29: Sweet Nothings

(20-30 MINUTES, WITH A PARTNER)

This exercise begins with your partner lying in bed, face-down. You should be sitting, or lying on your side, very close to him. Your partner has the option of being completely clothed, completely undressed, or anything in between, and so do you.

Think about all of those sexy words and sentences you’ve been aching to say to this man. If you need to refresh your memory, check your notebook before you start the exercise. Using your index finger like a pencil, write one of your favorite words, letter-by-letter, on your partner’s back. When you have finished spelling it out, lean over and
whisper it into his ear
. Choose another

Partners in Crime / 127

word. Spell it out, then lean over and whisper it into his ear. Proceed in this fashion through at least a dozen words.

Now try some bad-lib sentences from Chapter 11

or some of your sentences from Chapter 5, Exercise 3.

Write the complete sentence out, letter by letter, word by word, then lean over and whisper the entire sentence into his ear. Do this with at least five or six of your favorite sexy sentences.

There is one very important requirement for this exercise:
Your partner must remain silent and passive
the entire time
. Even if he thinks he is being helpful, unwelcome feedback can disrupt the mood and make you clam up in a hurry. He needs to stay quiet, and stay still, lying face-down on the bed.

Exercise 29 is one of the most important exercises in this book. I encourage you to repeat it many times over the next few weeks or months. Try new words and sentences each time, or return to old favorites if that’s your preference. This exercise will help build up your courage and your confidence. As you get more and more comfortable talking to your partner, start to experiment with volume and tone the way you did in some of the earlier exercises in this book.

If your partner wishes he could be more verbal too, and seems impressed by your progress, try switching roles and let Exercise 29 get the words flowing from his mouth!

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Who Said That?

When you’re trying to talk sexy to your partner for the first time, sometimes it’s easier to break the ice if the words are neither yours nor his, but the property of some third, neutral party such as a poet or author.

Many people feel less responsible for the words that others have written, and as a result, they have an easier time saying these words aloud.

As you already know (see Exercise 5: Arabian Nights, questions 2 and 5), there is an unlimited supply of very sexy poetry and prose out there, written by everyone from commoners to kings. Some of it is loving, some of it is sensual, some of it is provocative, and some of it is downright pornographic. But all of it can be a turn-on. What style appeals to you most? Are there other styles you also might find titillating? The final exercise in this chapter will give you a chance to share all of your favorite material with your partner, and possibly discover a few new favorites as well.