Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Talk Sexy

to the One

You Love

And Other Secrets

for Improving

Communication

BARBARA KEESLING, Ph.D.

Contents

Introduction

1

1
When Naughty Is Nice

5

2
Talking to Your Partner about Talking Sexy

15

3
Get Ready, Get Set…

25

4
Giving Yourself Permission

31

5
I Wish, I Want

37

6
Getting Connected

53

7
Your Precious Parts

67

8
His Precious Parts

81

9
Just for Laughs

91

10
Words to Live By, Words to Love By

97

11
Kiss My What?

103

12
Partners in Crime

119

13
Body Talk

131

14
Do It!

141

15
Sound and Fury

147

16
Playing with Fire

153

Epilogue

161

Appendix: For Men Only

163

About the Author

Other Books by Barbara Keesling, Ph.D.

Cover

Copyright

About the Publisher

Introduction

S
HARON is never at a loss for words. She knows how to use words to say what she means and get what she wants. It’s how she makes her living. Sharon writes grant proposals, and everyone she works with admires her special talents.

But Sharon isn’t at work right now—she’s at home with her husband Richard. And there it’s an entirely different story.

At this moment Sharon is looking at her husband’s body, and she’s wondering how she can tell him that she’s been having sexual fantasies all day. She would like to be able to tell him what she has been thinking about. She would like to be able to describe to him the way she feels about his body, his lips, his hands, and his penis. She would like to be able to tell him how she wants to make love right now, and how turned on she’s feeling. But she can’t.

2 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

So instead, Sharon will do what she always does when she wants sex. She’ll walk up to Richard and kiss him and move her hands up and down his back and hope he gets the message. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. But even when Richard does respond, Sharon knows there will be other messages he will never get, and that the sex won’t be anything like what she dreams about. She knows that neither she nor her husband will be able to fully communicate what they feel or what they want.

Sharon knows that Richard is no better at talking about sex than she is. When he’s feeling sexual, what he usually does is turn off the television, take her hand, and lead her to the bedroom. It’s very sweet, but as seductive techniques go, it’s not exactly a mood setter.

Once inside the bedroom, it’s pretty much the same story. Richard is a skilled lover, but aside from an occasional moan, he’s a silent partner after the lights go out.

Sharon wishes it were different. Why can’t Richard be more verbal about sex? For that matter, why can’t she? Sharon wishes she could tell Richard how badly she wants oral sex. She wishes she could cry out during her climax and that he would too. She wishes she could ask him to make love to her in the shower and then on the floor in front of the fireplace; to pour champagne over her and then lick it all off, paying particular attention to her toes. Lady Chatterly covered her lover’s penis with flowers and they talked about what it looked like. Why is it that Sharon and her husband could never talk like that? And what is

Introduction / 3

Richard
really
feeling behind that quiet façade?

Sharon is concerned that she and Richard will go through life never experiencing any of this, and that their sex life will always be silent. She fears that Richard will never tell her what he truly wants or how he’s really feeling, that she will never tell him what she wants and what she’s feeling, and that they will both always be a little disappointed. Maybe this is the way most people live, but Sharon has always hoped it would be different for her.

The one thing Sharon does not yet know is that it
can
be different. Sharon may feel resigned right now, but the fact is that, if she chooses, she could easily break the sounds of silence—
forever
. Sound impossible? It’s not. It’s simple. It’s also exciting. It’s even fun. And believe it or not, it’s just a few breaths away….

C H A P T E R 1

When Naughty Is Nice

A
NY woman who is lucky enough to know will tell you: Nothing is more exciting than talking sexy to the man you love and having him talk sexy to you. Nothing. The right words at the right time can start a fire burning inside of you that feels like it will never go out. It can make you breathless. Insatiable. Unstoppable. And it can do the same thing for your man.

Maybe you already know exactly what I’m talking about. Perhaps you have been with a man who knows how to talk sexy to a woman, and who loves it when she responds in kind (if you’re
really
lucky, you may be with him right now). Perhaps you’ve heard friends tell stories about the

6 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

sexiest lovers they’ve ever had, and the way these men talked to women. Maybe you’ve found yourself smoldering over the daring use of language in a steamy film or novel. Or maybe you just have a good imagination.

But if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re about to find out. And believe me when I tell you that your sex life will never be the same.

How Do I Know So Much About Talking
Sexy?

I am a sex therapist, and I have been in practice for five years. For twelve years prior to that I worked with both couples and individuals as a surrogate sexual partner in a well-known California clinic. I have also taught classes in human sexuality at various colleges in southern California. I have talked to thousands of people about their sex lives, and worked personally with hundreds and hundreds. Human sexuality is both my vocation and my passion. And if there is one thing I have seen make more of a difference in the sex lives of more people, it is the language of love.

Talking sexy changes the way you experience sex.

It turbo-charges lovemaking, connecting you to your deepest desires, your most profound passions, and your greatest sexual power. It’s hot, it’s exciting, and it’s surprising. It’s loving and it’s fun. It heightens anticipation, magnifies erotic sensation, deepens human connection, stimulates the imagination, and intensifies orgasm. It’s the

When Naughty Is Nice / 7

ultimate turn-on. And it’s completely fat free! I don’t think you could ask for much more.

Sexual Liberation, or Communication
Breakdown?

As you can probably tell, I have a tough time hiding my enthusiasm about the many benefits of talking sexy.

But before we take another step forward, I think we need to take one back and face a few facts.

The sexual revolution may have changed a lot of things, but it certainly hasn’t changed the way most of us—both men
and
women—talk to our partners in bed. Sure, some of our behavior has been liberated.

But when it comes to the language of love…forget it!

When most people have sex, they still act like they’re doing it in the library! We may talk a good game in the powder room and the locker room, but not in the bedroom, where it counts the most. There it’s a very different story, where silence is still golden and even the most incessant talker is likely to clam up when the lights go down.

Though a lot of us wish it were different, the vast majority of us are still trying to communicate our deepest sexual needs and sexual feelings through a complex combination of grunts, gestures, mutterings, and breathing cues. This is just too hard. It leaves a partner wondering: Is she excited or is she in pain? Is he into this or is he asleep? You know the result: confusion, misunderstanding, disappointment, and most of all, frustration.

8 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

Imagine if we had to communicate all of our important human needs through the language we use in the bedroom. We’d all still be in caves, huddled around a fire, chomping on zebra meat. Human beings, unlike other creatures on this planet, have a great gift: the gift of language. But when we get into bed, it suddenly disappears. We’re embarrassed by, maybe even terrified of, our own impulses, our own sexuality, our own humanness.

What’s amazing to me is the absolute power of the taboo of silence. The same men and women I see fearlessly speaking their minds at high-powered corporate meetings, in high-pressure academic environments, in high-price supermarkets, and on high-speed freeways have so little to say when they’re wearing nothing but a bedsheet.

What Are
You
Waiting For?

What about you? What’s your story? Perhaps to the outside world, you’re a politically correct career woman, a dressed-for-success sophisticate, or a mild-mannered mother of two. But that’s not at all how you feel
inside
, is it?. No, no, no. Inside you feel sexy, incredibly sexy. You feel hot and wild, maybe even dirty and outrageous. A vixen. A smoldering volcano waiting to erupt.

If you had the courage to fully exercise your consti-tutional right to freedom of speech, what do you imagine your personal style might be? Would you be soft and loving? A little bit raunchy? Funny? Wicked?

Ribald? Direct? Obscene? Off-the-wall?

When Naughty Is Nice / 9

If you could start talking sexy to your partner tonight, what would you want to say? And how would you want to say it? Sometimes, the words “I love you”

can be very sexy. Most of us don’t say those three words enough. But there’s also so much more. Simple sentences such as, “I love to look at your body,” “I want you,” “I need you,” or “I want to make love to you” can dramatically change the course of an evening, and sometimes, the course of an entire relationship. You’ve probably thought about saying things like this to your partner many times, but could you imagine actually doing it? Do you wish you could turn to your partner and say, “I need to feel you inside of me,” “You make me so hot,” “I love to look at your beautiful penis,” “I want to feel your tongue between my thighs,” or “Take me”? Do you wish you could read him sexy poetry or passages from an erotic novel? Do you wish you could whisper dirty words into his ear, or cry out during orgasm? It’s pretty exciting just thinking about it, isn’t it?

So what’s stopping you? Actually, that’s not really a fair question because I
know
what’s been stopping you. It’s the same thing that stops so many women just like you. It’s the same thing that stopped me for so many years of my adult life. Let’s face it, it’s one thing to
want
to talk sexy to your partner, but quite another thing to actually do it.

Talking sexy may be hot, hot, hot, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It has been my experience, both professional and personal, that most people are
terrified
of uttering a single sexy word. Most

10 / Talk Sexy to the One You Love

of us wish we had the courage to ask for what we really want and to say how we really feel, but even if we open our mouths to try, the only thing that comes out is air.

The thoughts may cross our minds over and over again, but the words never cross our lips.

While every woman has a slightly different reason for
not
talking sexy, the result is always the same: silence. Well, I’ve got some good news. It doesn’t have to be this way—not any more.

Any
Woman Can Learn to Talk Sexy
This book is for any woman who is tired of being afraid and wishes it were different. If you are frustrated by the sounds of silence, and ready to break that sound barrier once and for all, I’m here to help.

I want to teach you how to start talking in bed—
really
talking. We have to start saying “those words” we can’t say, asking for “those things” we never ask for. We have to start letting our partners know what we need and how we are feeling. We have to talk about every beautiful part of the female body—our skin, our breasts, our stomach, our buttocks, our thighs, our vagina, our pubic hair, our clitoris. And we have to talk about every beautiful part of the male body, including his face, his neck, his arms, his legs, his penis, his testicles, his buttocks, his thighs, his chest. We have to be explicit and we have to be direct.