Authors: T K Williams-Nelson
“Jayden turned into a big sweet boy” the guys teased loudly.
“I'm just talented in many areas, one being sweet” I laughed feeling a bit flushed.
A white man poked his head out of his window and scanned us thoroughly. “Shut up and turn that racket off!” he bellowed.
Joel and Rico stood up. “Come we rob his yard blood” they simultaneously suggested. I was down for doing a bit of dirt but entering someone's home wasn't my style. The rest of the boys were on it so I agreed anyway.
“Let's be polite and knock first” said Jose. We laughed and waited for the man to open the door.
“What are you useless youths doing on my doorstep? It's late and you're polluting the neighbourhood with your noise” he spat. That's when Myah, unexpectedly, punched him in the face and he fell to the ground.
“Damn girl you got a bang on you” I joked. She smiled and we walked into the house to ransack the shabby place. I had a bad feeling about what we were doing but because I didn't want to be the one to bring it up I left it unsaid. We didn't find much so we decided to leave, but as we headed out the door we noticed the man wasn't lying on the floor anymore.
“You fucking black youngsters are destroying our community. You all should be fucking burned in prison” he seethed. We all spun around to see Mr Racist holding a double barrel shot gun, aimed at Joel's head. “I should shoot all you bastards down now!” he carried on. At that moment we all froze. We weren't expecting it so no one even knew how to respond. This wasn't meant to happen and the sight of the gun in our direction made my thoughts spiral.
Jose pulled out his gun from his waistline. “Put the gun down old man. No one needs to get hurt. We'll leave you probably won't even see our faces again” he said trying to defuse the situation.
“Only one of us is walking out of here, me or you?” the old man replied sincerely.
The sound was quaking. I couldn't think straight but I was aware that we were all running away from the house. The gang was cheering and jeering, except for Myah. She saw my face and knew what had just happened had shaken me up. Going around hurting innocent people wasn't something I wanted to be a part of. You only dish out the dirt to those who dish the dirt to you. That was my motto.
“Don't worry about it. We'll talk later,” she ushered, as we continued our getaway. We arrived at my road and all of us sat down on the floor, wheezing from exhaustion.
“Ha-ha did you see his face when that bullet hit him in his chest,” laughed Donny ruthlessly.
“That weren't fucking funny you lot. You can't just go around shooting people for fun like that. You just proved what that man was saying about us was true before you put a bullet in his chest!” I shouted, making my feelings clear on the situation. I walked into my house and left them in silence. They didn't feel any regret. I had too much heart to sit around pretending that I was a part of something I didn't believe in. It was meant to be a petty robbery and it turns out we might have actually killed someone. Fifteen minutes later Myah knocked on the door. I let her in and we sat in my bedroom soundlessly.
“I'm sorry about tonight, Jayden,” she whispered. I didn't want to go over it again so I nodded and she lay her head on my chest. I kept wondering if the man was still alive but I wanted the image of his body lying there out of my head. Myah leaned up and kissed me. It's like she could sense the tension I was feeling. She rubbed down my chest and my face but I wasn't in the mood for seduction. “Take off your shirt. I want to make it up to you,” she whispered in my ear. I took off my clothes and she did the same. I lay her down and let the friction between our bodies take over. The way she moaned reminded me of Vanessa but I tried not to look like I was thinking about other things. She lay down on top of me and pleased me deeply. In the heat of the moment, at the peak of our sensation, I called her Vanessa and it was over. She didn't look like she heard so I was thankful that I didn't have to come up with an explanation. I didn't want to upset her by calling her my ex's name when we were having sex so I just acted as if nothing was said and carried on. It was like she sensed that I wasn't fully there with her and she abruptly got off me and lay down. It was then I realised that I wasn't wearing a condom. I rolled over to say something to her but she had already fallen asleep. Sighing aloud I rolled on my back and looked at the ceiling, thinking to myself,
I'm not willing to raise a baby in this environment; in this place I can't even call home anymore.
***
The next day I waited impatiently for the news to come on. I wanted to forget about yesterday but curiosity got the better of me. Not knowing the condition the man was in made me feel in the dark. Myah had gone out with Crime Scene to see how they were holding up. I don't know why she bothered. They clearly found the whole occurrence to be one big joke. When the news finally came on I felt uneasy. “Breaking news. There has been a shooting on the north side in the early hours of the morning. Seventy-one year old Michael Staines was shot in the chest at his residential home in London. He is in critical condition and has suffered minor injuries to other areas of his body. There have been no leads as to who committed this offence but updates will be received later today,” said the presenter.
Watching that made me sigh with relief, as I knew that there was a chance he could be stable and possibly survive this. It still didn't justify what we had done but it was better than him being dead. I got dressed and went to meet the rest of the lads on the frontline. When I got there they were eating pizza and talking about last night but as I sat down the chatter stopped.
“He's alright, in a critical condition but still alive,” I said, not that they would be interested.
“How do you know?” asked Joel.
“I was watching the news before I came here”.
“You know because He's a bigger man to us the police are going to be looking for who done it. We need to lay low for a bit, just merge in,” suggested Myah. We all agreed and chilled on the frontline for the rest of the day.
When the sun started to set and the moon grew bigger, I decided that it was time for me to hit home. I was so tired because of the lack of sleep I got the night before, so I was ready to jump in the sack. “Am out early tonight; feeling tired. Holla at me tomorrow,” I said, gesturing my goodbyes.
“Cool in a bit,” they replied.
“I'll be round later Jay, just got some things to sort out first,” said Myah, grabbing my hand. I nodded and walked off.
When I got home something made me switch on the television and I was glad that I did.
“There has been an update on the shooting that took place on the north side in the early hours of this morning. Michael Staines has died in hospital as a result of his injuries sustained after being shot in the chest at his home in London. His family is devastated by his death and are pleading with the public to come forward with any information on the killing,” said the presenter.
I was in utter shock. There I was thinking he was going to be alright and he was dead. It did help some of the guilt I felt, knowing that I was only a witness to what had happened but I still felt responsible. My heart sank as I got up to turn off the TV. Looking at things in black and white I was basically an accessory to murder. When I walked up to my room I thought about what I wanted to do to Jamal. How I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me and Maurice. Seeing the damage that Jose caused killing that man made me eager to do the same; tear his world apart like he had done to mine. It all stemmed from him why I had nothing left. Why should he be allowed to live his life in peace and harmony whilst the harmony of my own was hanging in the balance?
Weeks went by and I still hadn't said anything to Myah about the night we had sex. It was playing on my mind no matter how hard I tried to push it out. Every time I was with the gang I kept stealing glances at her stomach for any signs of growth. As I got ready to go and meet Crime Scene I heard a knock at the door. When I opened it, to my surprise, I saw Vanessa and her baby bump.
“Hi Jayden, I wondered if we could talk. Catch up. I didn't want things to end on such a bad note and I just thought now you've had time to get over things maybe we can establish some sort of friendship,” she said thoughtfully.
“There isn't anything to talk about. You had sex with my best friend and now you're pregnant with his baby. Where does my name get involved?” I replied, puzzled by her presence.
“Jayden, I love you. That's where your name gets involved. Ever since you left my house that night you've been on my mind. I want to be with you. I know you probably will never forgive me but can't we at least try?” she beseeched.
“Well you should have thought about that before you did what you did. I'm not holding grudges over it but we're over Vanessa, and the sooner you accept that the better,” I replied bluntly.
It was then that Myah walked up to the door, “Jayden are you ready?” she asked, looking Vanessa up and down.
“Who's that?” Vanessa asked, making a face.
“That's my girlfriend, Myah.”
“So you have a girlfriend now yeah? You didn't think to tell me. It's cool, I get the message” she replied, sounding annoyed.
“Why would I need to tell you anything? We're not together don't you understand that? Listen, we can still be friends but I've moved on now, maybe you should do the same,” I said as nice as I could.
“Yeah whatever,” she said, walking away.
I gave Myah a hug and saw Vanessa wiping tears from her eyes as she walked further away. I started to debate with myself whether I was too harsh on her. “The ex causing you stress?” Myah laughed. “Not in so many words. She took the piss and now she wants me back. I don't have âprick' written on my forehead,” I said, as I went over the filthy details of her and Maurice's affair in my head.
“Well if she gives you any trouble just let me know. Remember you're my man now and what's mines is mines,” she said, marking her territory with a deep kiss before making our way to the frontline.
“What you lot on today?” I asked the boys.
“Well we're going down south side to deal with some yutes that tried to stick it on Rico last week. You rolling?” asked Jason. I wanted to say no because the last time we rolled out together we killed a man, but I said yes anyway. They made it out to be something minor. We go down there, beat up who we need to beat up, come back. We jumped on the bus and scattered over the seats on the upper deck. The guys began carving their names on the back windows. It didn't make any sense to me but we all couldn't be the same.
“Need to let people know who runs this,” Donny laughed. All of a sudden the bus stopped and the driver stormed upstairs.
“You menaces aren't vandalising my bus today. Get up and get off!” he moaned.
“Who's he talking to?” said Jose, laughing at his double chin which wobbled with every word.
“I mean it. Get up and get off the bus before I call the police,” he threatened. We all stood up.
“Is that really necessary? We aren't getting off the bus until we reach our destination. I could have sworn that was part of your occupation,” I replied calmly. We all sat down and continued with our talking.
“I warned you. You chose not to listen so the police it is,” he said, heading back down the stairs. No sooner had he left us we heard sirens racing down the road.
“Oh shit, the old man called the feds for real,” I said, realising he wasn't bluffing. I wasn't looking to get arrested today so I opened the emergency exit at the back of the bus. “This is the only way for us to get out,” I said to the others.
“Blood I am not jumping out the window. We're on a double-decker and since when could you fly?” said Rico sarcastically.
“Listen we don't have time to contemplate, let's just jump and deal with the aftermath,” I replied sternly. When I looked out it seemed like a long jump but it was worth a try and damn well better than spending the night in a cell for petty vandalism. That was some baby crime. I leapt out as I heard footsteps running up the stairs. The others followed swiftly; except for Myah. She stood there with fear painted on her face.
“I can't do it Jayden. I'mâI'm scared,” she said, sounding beyond petrified. She had the strength to knock people out but couldn't jump a few metres. I could see she was serious but there was no time to be frightened right now. If she didn't want to get nicked she had to jump now.
“Myah we really haven't got time for this man, just jump and ill catch you. I promise,” I said being as reassuring as I could. She closed her eyes tightly and fell in my arms like she was doing some bungee jump. When she had steadied herself, she looked at me and kissed me like I had just saved her life.
“Thank you.”
“It's okay but we have to go now,” I said, cutting the romance short. I grabbed her hand and we started running. That was a close; I mean real close. It was the first time I was carrying a knife on me, and had the intention to use it.
We had to walk the rest of the way to south side to avoid being caught. When we got there it was touching nine o'clock and the sun was dim. We came up to some corroded blocks that were barely standing. It was as if you could push them over with your little finger; they were that run down. Windows were smashed and the strong stench of piss rocked my nostrils. “Where are they?” I said geared up and ready. Even though I wasn't as violent as I used to be, when the testosterone was high and the adrenaline was flowing fast I automatically wanted to let it out on someone else.
“They will be here. I hear they have never backed down from an issue so let them take on this issue tonight,” said Myah, feeling oh-so confident.
We waited for a good half an hour before three blacked-out cars pulled up in front of us. We all stood up alert. We had no idea what was coming next so my heart began to race. Jason and Donny took out their guns from their waistbands. Joel picked up a metal beam from nearby. Rico gripped his baseball bat, whilst Jose and I had our lengthy knives out. Nine guys came out the car then another man, bigger than the others, stepped out.
“What you doing on our strip?” the man said directly to us.
“Easy, this isn't your strip. Since when did this area become run by the wasted?” said Donny defensively. The man laughed and went back in the car. I found it odd that he showed no reaction to the disrespect he just encountered, which made me recognise that there may be more to this than we actually knew about. As we listened to the wheels screeching rapidly as he drove off, we firmly directed our attention to the nine guys that stood before us. We knew what they were here to try and do and they knew the same.
“So you came down here for the beef? Pathetic. You man come round here with your little pocket knives and think you're bad?” one of the guys said, stepping to the front.
That's when it started. They rushed in on us like a pack of bulls but we somewhat expected it. There was so much going on at one time that I was worried about Myah getting caught up in the brawl. I remember seeing Rico smack a boy in the head with the steel baseball bat, leaving him bleeding on the floor. Seconds later I turned around to see that even Myah was fighting. She may look innocent but that girl has some strength on her! Blood showered the floor but no one knew the person who was leaking. It lasted about five minutes. Five minutes of pain. Five minutes of fitness to kill. Not a long time for a big brawl but we weren't going to be beaten that easily. They put up a good fight. We put up a greater one. It all stopped when the screeching car came charging down the road, ending its haste in front of the mess and madness that was going on. The guys that still had the ability to move scrambled back in to their vehicles, limping and cursing. You could tell they lived by the âevery man to themselves' motto when things went down, considering they didn't pay any attention to their own wounded. The big guy that drove the car came out and looked at us. It was the first time I was able to see him properly. He was about 6'4 in height with dreadlocks. He didn't seem that interested in his fallen either as he walked further in our direction. Donny was lying on the floor whilst the rest of us stood against a shaky garage door, trying to assess the damage done without diverting our attention from this perilous figure.
“You lot are fucking useless!” he shouted as the two cars faded down the road. “Guess I'll have to finish the job myself!” he said self-righteously. He pulled out his own gun from his jacket and pointed it at Donny, who was slowly getting up. At that moment we all ran to where he was stumbling but all we saw was the flash of light and heard the noise of a speeding car screeching away.
We rushed back to my house as soon as we could. Myah hot wired a car to make the journey quicker but we all knew it was too late. He'd shot Donny in the neck and he kept blacking out on us every time we tried to keep him talking. We lay him down on the sofa whilst we heavily contemplated calling an ambulance.
“What the fuck are we going to tell them happened, Myah?” said Jason, getting hysterical.
“We're not telling them anything because we're not calling anyone. What do you think this will look like? We can handle this Jason, we always do,” she replied, full of uncertainty.
“Are you fucking blind? Look at him, we can't hold out any longer!” he shouted back at her.
To my surprise she ignored him, as if his point was invalid. He was sweating vigorously and we were all becoming aware that there was nothing we could do to save him. Out of the blue Myah finally expressed some emotion on the situation, “See this is my entire fault. What the fuck was I thinking going down there, thinking we were tough when we knew nothing concrete about them,” she said welling up. She sat next to Donny on the floor. “Everything's going to be alright, D. You just have to be strong and hold on. You can't just leave me, we're family, we're all family,” she said quietly. Tears rolled down her cheeks. None of us could even speak. The atmosphere was rigid and I don't think anyone wanted to be the one out of place.
“It's c-c-cool,” Donny managed to splutter. He tried to smile but his body gave up, leaving his head to fall to the side. I was still firmly holding the cloth against his neck to stop the bleeding.
“Don't die on us, Donny,” I said, trying my best to get some sort of reply but it was no use. He was already gone. I stood up with the rest of the group and dropped my head. Nothing but death had surrounded me since my mother had gone and it was starting to take a huge toll on my heartstrings. The rest of the guys tried desperately to fight back their tears but I just let mine flow. Seeing Myah crying and Donny's dead body lying on my blood-soaked sofa was emotional and in my eyes deserved to be treated with emotion. We called the police and watched the ambulance wheel his body out on a wobbly stretcher. They didn't ask many questions about what happened because he was dead. They knew they had no obligation to bring anyone to justice for a low-life black boy from the north side. In our community another youth dying was like having breakfast to them. They didn't care about what happened to us and that's why our society got so bad.
When they left I agreed to let the boys stay overnight. I thought the best thing right now was having each other because on your own you would analyse every little detail of what happened, wondering how you could of intervened or how you could have at least prevented a death that would leave you feeling so desolate. They slept downstairs whilst I lay in my room with Myah. She was so upset but then again she was right, it was her own fault but at the same time we had our own minds. We didn't have to go and we didn't have to go with the intentions that we went there with. My chest was drenched with her tears as she emptied her feelings to me.
“I can't believe He's gone. It's my entire fault, Jayden and that's all that's going through my head right now,” she sobbed.
“No one could have done anything, Myah. A bullet to the neck doesn't take long to finish someone off. It was too late and you need to accept that if you want to start feeling better,” I advised genuinely with her feelings at heart.
“No it wasn't. I could have done something by not going down there in the first place. I listened to rumours and let them influence my actions and that's how we ended up here,” she explained harshly before breaking down. I sighed. It was the truth. If she didn't have a thirst for violence and being the best this wouldn't have had happened.
“Don't worry about it, everything's going to be bless,” I assured her, unsure if I was lying or not. I wanted to tell her about Jamal and my problem I had with him but this wasn't the right time. I didn't want her going on a mad one, thinking I was being insensitive considering the circumstances. I lay there thinking about what happened tonight. Then I remembered that this was one of the scenarios that played in my head when I first thought of joining Crime Scene. Losing someone that I got freshly attached to, but it was only one of them. What more was going to come true?
***
Days flew past and Myah still wasn't back to normal. She had trouble sleeping and wasn't eating much. When any of us tried talking to her she would give short answers and leave the room, as if we were the problem. She needed a break so me and the boys went out on the grind and left her to have some alone time. Her mind was probably pondering on things she wanted to do differently, hoping it would have ended differently. In her state she could have done anything when we weren't there so I called in on her a few times to keep a check.