Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (8 page)

But it was NOT like

I was spying on her or anything.

I just didn’t want to attract a lot of attention to myself or have MacKenzie think I was making a big deal out of the fact that I was entering the competition.

Although, to be honest, it WAS a big deal.

It was THE most important thing I had EVER attempted in my entire fourteen years of life here on planet Earth.

I rushed into the office and quickly filled out an entry form.

As I handed it to the assistant, I felt a rush of panic, excitement, and nausea, all mixed up together whirling around in my stomach like leftovers in a garbage disposal.

I walked out of the office and collapsed against the wall.

My heart was pounding so hard, I could hear it in my ears. I began to wonder if this whole thing was a big mistake.

Then, out of the blue, I got a really creepy feeling that someone was watching me, even though the halls seemed empty.

Suddenly, a leaf on the plant I had hid behind moved, and I saw this EYE staring out at me! Then two eyes. Very icy blue ones.

MacKenzie (YES,
the
MacKenzie) was peeping out at me from behind that big potted plant near the office door!

SHE WAS LIKE, SO BUSTED!

Finally, MacKenzie climbed out of the plant and sashayed over to the drinking fountain like she was thirsty or something. But it was very obvious to me that she was just trying to use WATER TORTURE to
FORCE
me to change my mind about entering the art competition.

MacKenzie tried to act all innocent and apologetic, like the whole squirting me with water thing was just an accident. But I looked into her beady little eyes and could tell she absolutely meant to do it.

I still could not get over the fact that I had actually caught her SPYING on me!

Which kind of made me ANGRY, because I don’t follow her around, SPYING on her and getting all
up in her Kool-Aid (which, BTW, means “business”).

Well, at least not that often.

Today was like
TOTALLY
an exception, mainly because we were both turning in entries for the art competition at the same time.

But to stoop so low as to SPY on me?!

THAT GIRL IS ONE SICK LITTLE PUPPY!

I can’t believe I’m actually writing this while hiding in the janitor supply closet!! I know it’s supergrungy in here and smells like an old, wet, mildewy mop, but I didn’t know where else to go. I ABSOLUTELY

HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE! HATE!

THIS STUPID SCHOOL!!

Today at lunch, I was carrying my tray and trying to get to table 9, where I was supposed to meet Chloe and Zoey. Things were going pretty good, because I had managed to sneak past the jock table without the football players making those embarrassing farting noises with their armpits.

But as I was walking past MacKenzie’s table, I really wasn’t paying attention. She and Jessica must have STILL been pretty mad at me about the party invitation and the art competition, because this is what happened:

ME IN THE LUNCHROOM TRYING TO GET TO TABLE 9

I tripped, and suddenly, everything started moving in slow motion. My lunch tray went flying up over my head, and I heard a very familiar voice shrieking,

“Noooooooo!”

Then in HORROR, I realized it was MINE!

CRASH!

I fell flat on the floor and was so stunned, I could barely breathe. My spaghetti and cherry jubilee dessert were smeared across my face and the front of my clothes. I looked like a life-size version of one of Brianna’s messy finger paintings.

I just closed my eyes and lay there like a beached whale, with every inch of my body aching. Even my
hair hurt. However, the worst part was that the
entire
cafeteria was laughing like crazy.

I was SO embarrassed, I wanted to DIE. I could barely see, because I had cherry jubilee in my eyes and it made everything look red and really blurry.

Finally, I gathered the strength to crawl to my knees.

But each time I tried to get up, I slipped in the mixture of spaghetti and milk and fell back down again.

I have to admit, I probably looked hilarious sloshing around in my lunch like that.

And if it hadn’t actually been happening to ME, I definitely would have been laughing my butt off along with everyone else.

Then, MacKenzie folded her arms, glared at me, and yelled,

“SO, NIKKI, ARE YOU HAVING A NICE TRIP?!”

Of course, that witty little comment made everyone laugh even harder.

It was the CRUELEST thing MacKenzie could have possibly said, especially since she was partially responsible for my “trip.”

I was so humiliated, I started to cry.

The good news was the tears washed all the gunk out of my eyes, and I could see again.

But the bad news was, all I could see was this guy kneeling over me with a camera dangling in my face.

And only ONE person in the whole entire school owns a camera like that.

In a split second, I knew
exactly
what was going to appear on the FRONT PAGE of the next issue of our school newspaper
!

And I was NOT going to be sending
that
article to any of my relatives.

It was very clear to me that some way, somehow, MacKenzie had completely charmed Brandon with her awesome beautyliciousness and lured him over to the DARK SIDE!

And then BRAINWASHED him!

How could my CRUSH—the secret LOVE of my life—do such a HORRIBLE and WICKED thing to me?!

I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart with my favorite lucky ink pen—the hot pink sparkly one with
the feathers, beads, and sequins on the end—and left to die. On the floor of the cafeteria. With everyone watching. And laughing. By my beloved BRANDON!!

Then the most bizarre thing happened!

Brandon kind of smiled at me, slid his camera out of the way, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up off the floor.

“You…okay?”

I tried to say, “Yes,” but my voice just made a gurgling sound like I was strangling or something. I swallowed and took a deep breath.

“Sure. I’m okay. I had spaghetti for dinner yesterday but it wasn’t nearly this slippery!”

I cringed. I couldn’t believe I just said that. I am
such
a RETARD!!

Then I watched, spellbound, as Brandon handed me
a napkin in what seemed like slow motion. I almost DIED, right there on the spot, when our fingers accidentally TOUCHED…

…ever so slightly, like a gentle but wild squirrel slurping sweet nectar from one of those dainty purpley flowers in my mother’s garden that my dad accidentally sprayed with weed killer. Our eyes locked and for a split second it was as if we were gazing into the deep, misty cavern of each other’s wounded souls. I will FOREVER remember the words he whispered into my trembling ear:

“Um…I think you have…something on your face?”

I blushed and my knees started feeling all wobbly. “Probably my lunch…”

“Yeah, probably…”

Unfortunately, our very serious emo convo (which, BTW, means “emotional conversation”) was rudely interrupted by Mr. Snodgrass, our lunchroom monitor. But everyone calls him Mr. Snot and a not-so-nice word.

He started cleaning up the mess on the floor and lecturing me about my responsibility as a young adult to keep my food on my tray at all times. Brandon rolled his eyes at Mr. Snodgrass in a very chivalrous manner, and then he kind of smiled at me again.

“I guess I’ll see you in biology.”

“Yeah…okay. And thanks. You know, for the napkin.”

“Hey, no prob.”

“Actually, we have napkins just like this at home.

My mom got them on sale. At Wal-Mart…”

“Oh, that’s, um…cool. Well, later.”

“Sure, see ya, in bio.”

Then Brandon picked up his backpack and left the cafeteria.

I just clutched the napkin over my heart and sighed.

In spite of everything that had just happened, I suddenly felt VERY happy and butterflyish all over.

But that feeling lasted only about ten seconds, because that’s how long it took me to notice

MACKENZIE

She was SO angry, her whole face was all droopy and distorted.

She actually looked a little SCARY!

“I hope you’re not STUPID enough to think HE’D like a LOSER like you?” she howled like a banshee.

But I guess I was still kind of disoriented, because I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was talking about.

“Um…he, WHO?” I asked.

That’s when Jessica blurted out, “You are such a KLUTZ. OMG! Look at her! I think she PEED her pants!”

And then MacKenzie was like, “OMG! You’re right. She did PEE her pants!”

And both of them started laughing and pointing at me again.

I just rolled my eyes at them and said, “Yeah right! I spilled MILK on my pants. Don’t you morons know milk when you see it?”

Then I ran out of the cafeteria and went straight to the nearest girls’ restroom.

Inside, there were about five girls at the mirror trying out one another’s lip gloss flavors.

They completely froze and just stared at me in horror with their mouths wide open.

It was like they had
NEVER
seen anyone covered from head to foot in spaghetti and cherry jubilee before.

Some people are so RUDE!

I kind of staggered back into the hallway like a zombie. But instead of leaving a trail of slimy, rotted flesh, I left a trail of spaghetti, sauce, and cherry jubilee.

Then I noticed the door of the janitor’s utility closet near the drinking fountain was cracked open a little bit. I peeked inside, and since no one was in there, I snuck in and closed the door.