Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (6 page)

I was pretty SICK and TIRED of hearing about MacKenzie and her STUPID little party! But since she is in my geometry class and I sit right behind her, I knew I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it. I was trying my best to ignore her when she turned around, smiled at me, and did the STRANGEST thing!

She handed ME a bright pink invitation tied with a big white satin bow!

I gasped and almost fell out of my chair.

My brain was like

OMG! OMG! OMG!

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, other than maybe that new iPhone I want.

Who would have thought that I would get an invitation to THE party of the year?!

Then it dawned on me that this might be some kind of really cruel JOKE.

I looked around the room for a hidden camera, half expecting Ashton Kutcher (I can’t believe he’s married to a woman older than my mom) to jump out of the closet and yell…

You just got PUNKED!!

Then I realized that most of the other girls in my class were staring at me with envy and disbelief.

It was really weird, because suddenly I noticed I had tiny lint balls all over my favorite hoodie.

And it made me feel self-conscious, so I tried to pick a few of them off.

None of MacKenzie’s friends would be caught dead in a not-from-the-mall hoodie with lint balls on it.

So I made a mental note…

BURN CURRENT WARDROBE!

MacKenzie was still smiling at me like I was her new BFF or something.

“Hey, hon! I was just wondering if you would—?”

But I was SO excited, I jumped right in before she could even finish her sentence.

“MacKenzie, I would LOVE to!” I gushed. “Thanks for asking me…hon!”

Okay. So I actually called her “hon,” even though I always thought that word sounded superphony.

And yes, I was totally GEEKED and as HAPPY as Vanessa Anne Hudgens when she found out she was NOT getting kicked off
High School Musical 3
!

But mostly I was in SHOCK. I could hardly believe I was actually going to MacKenzie’s party! Soon I was going to have really cool friends and a social life. And maybe even highlights, a pierced belly button, and a boyfriend.

I was starting to believe my
That’s So Hot!
magazine was right. Maybe the key to happiness really was friends, fun, fashion, and flirting!!

ME, floating on air amid sunshine, rainbows, twinkling stars, and pink cotton-candy clouds, passionately clutching my invitation to MacKenzie’s party over my heart!!

My hands were shaking as I untied the ribbon and tore open the envelope.

Suddenly, MacKenzie narrowed her eyes at me and scowled like I was something smeared on the bottom of her shoe.

“You IDIOT!” she hissed. “WHAT are you doing?!”

“Umm, opening m-my invitation?” I stammered.

I was already starting to have a really bad feeling about this whole party thing.

“Like I would invite you?!” She sneered, flipping her blond tresses and batting her long lashes at me in disgust. “Aren’t you the new girl who hangs around my locker all the time like some kind of creepy stalker?”

“Well, yes…I mean, NO! Actually, my locker is right next to yours,” I muttered.

“Are you sure?” she said, looking me up and down like I was lying to her or something. I couldn’t believe she was actually pretending like she didn’t know me. I’ve only had a locker next to hers like FOREVER!

“I’m VERY sure!” I said.

Then MacKenzie took out her Krazy Kissalicious lip gloss and applied like three extra-thick layers. After gazing at herself in her little compact
mirror for two whole minutes (she is SO STUCK on herself!), she snapped it shut and glared at me.

“Before you so RUDELY interrupted me, I was simply asking if you would PASS my invitation to JESSICA! How was I supposed to know you were going to rip it open like some uncivilized GORILLA?” Mackenzie spat.

Then everyone in the class turned around and stared at me.

I could NOT believe my ears! How dare that girl
actually call me UNCIVILIZED!!

“Oh. Okay. MY BAD!” I said, trying to sound coolly nonchalant about the whole thing while blinking back tears. “Um, who’s Jessica?”

Suddenly I felt a sharp tap on my shoulder.

I turned around to face the girl sitting in the desk behind me.

She had long blond hair and was wearing pink, glittery lip gloss, a pink sweater, a pink miniskirt, and a headband trimmed with fake pink diamonds.

If I had spotted her in

Toys “R” Us, I swear I would have probably mistaken her for a new fashion doll:

“TOTALLY TICKED-OFF” JESSICA

“I’m Jessica,” she announced, rolling her eyes at me. “I can’t believe you opened MY invitation!”

I was desperately trying to tie the satin ribbon back on when she snatched the invitation from my hand so violently, I almost got a paper cut.

I felt like a TOTAL RETARD! And, to make matters worse, I heard a few of the kids around me snickering.

This was absolutely THE most EMBARRASSING moment of my PATHETIC little life!!

And I had no doubt that, in just a matter of minutes, everyone in the ENTIRE school was going to be text-messaging gossip about me.

I was relieved when our math teacher, Mrs. Sprague, finally started class.

She spent the entire hour at the board reviewing how to calculate the volume of a cylinder, sphere, and cone for our upcoming test.

HOW TO CALCULATE VOLUME

But I was too freaked out to concentrate on math formulas and was totally NOT listening. I just sat there staring at the back of MacKenzie’s head, wishing I could disappear.

I guess I must have been really upset, because a tear rolled down my cheek and splattered my geometry notebook.

But I wiped it up with the sleeve of my not-from-the-mall, lint-ball-covered hoodie before anyone saw it.

Even though I was totally bummed about all the DRAMA over the invitation, I really wasn’t that mad at MacKenzie.

I’M SUCH A LOSER!! If I was having a party, I WOULDN’T invite myself either!

I’ve had the most HORRIBLE week ever! WHY?

Because MacKenzie has been TRASHING my life:

1
^st
She RUINED my chances in the avant-garde art competition.

2
^nd
She DISSED me by NOT inviting me to her party.

3
^rd
She RIDICULED me by calling me uncivilized.

4
^th
She PUBLICLY HUMILIATED me by giving me an invitation and then UNINVITING me.

5
^th
She tried to STEAL the one true love of my life, Brandon Roberts, by twirling her hair and flirting with him.

I planned to spend my ENTIRE weekend just sitting on my bed in my pajamas, STARING at the wall and SULKING.

Which, strangely enough, always seems to make me feel a lot better.

Me getting my sulk on!

But my plans were completely RUINED!

Around noon my mom came bouncing into my room all cheerful and announced that for lunch we were having a family cookout on the grill.

She said, “Honey, get dressed quick and come out into the backyard and join the FUN!”

Well, obviously, I wasn’t in the mood for “fun,” and I just wanted to be left alone.

And I didn’t like hanging out in our backyard, because I have seen some fairly large spiders out there.

I have a thing about spiders—they creep me out.

Also, my physician has diagnosed me as being highly allergic to pests that suck human blood, such as spiders, mosquitoes, leeches, and vampires.

My life motto is “Bloodsuckers

CANNOT be trusted!”

Anyway, when I went outside, my dad was all dressed up in his matching chef hat and apron that we got him for Father’s Day.

It said “My Dad Is the World’s Greatest Cook!” but most of the letters had faded off in the wash and it now says “My Dad eat s ook!”

How we got that gift was actually kind of embarrassing. Mom drove me and Brianna to Wal-Mart and gave us $30 to spend on a nice Father’s Day present for Dad.

But after Brianna bought a “Tattoo-N-Tan” fashion doll for $9.99 and I bought the new Miley Cyrus CD for $14.00, we only had $6.01 left over to use for Dad, which wasn’t a whole lot of money.

Lucky for us, I spotted these hideous hot pink chef hats with matching aprons in a clearance bin for only $3.87.

We had a choice of “Kiss the Cook!” “When Mamma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy!” “Detroit Pistons RULE!” or “My Dad Is the World’s Greatest Cook!” in orange fluorescent lettering.

And since the gift was dirt cheap, we still had like $2.14 left to buy a Father’s Day card.

But I convinced Brianna that Dad would much rather have a handmade card from us that SHE could make for FREE using notebook paper, crayons, and glitter.

She totally bought into it, and I used the last few dollars to buy myself popcorn and an extra-large strawberry-mango smoothie. The snacks tasted good, considering the fact I was starving at the time and they came from a Wal-Mart.

Who woulda thunk Dad would have loved that tacky gift so much!

“This is the absolute BEST Father’s Day gift I’ve ever received in my entire life!” he said, and got all teary-eyed.

Which is NOT saying much, because every year Brianna and I outdid ourselves finding CRUDDY Father’s Day gifts.

But we always managed to snag some really great swag for ourselves. Father’s Day is now our favorite holiday after our birthdays and Christmas.

Anyway, my dad was grilling the meat while whistling old disco tunes.

Then, out of the blue, he suddenly developed a major complication. Not with his whistling but his grilling.

I guess you could call it a bug problem.

So when he told me to run into the house and get the can of bug spray, I had a really BAD feeling about it.

I was like, “Dad, are you sure?”

And he was like, “I don’t plan on sharing my twenty-dollar steaks with these pesky flies.”

Well, THAT was a big mistake, because the bugs were NOT pesky flies.

OUR FAMILY BARBECUE PICNIC (A STORY IN PICTURES)

*THE END*

You’d think an experienced exterminator would recognize a fly when he saw one.

Unfortunately for Dad, he was dealing with a nest of very ANGRY HORNET WASPS!!

Well, our cookout ended up being a total disaster!

To make Dad feel better, we all complimented him on how handsome he looked in his snazzy chef hat and apron, even though he was a little dirty from knocking over the neighbor lady’s garbage cans when he was running away from those wasps.

POOR DAD
!!

However, the good news is that I was able to go back up to my room and put in a few more hours of intense sulking. WOO HOO!