Tales from a Not-So-Fabulous Life (10 page)

Today, my social studies teacher, Mr. Simmons, reminded the class that our project on how recycling can help stop global warming is due on Monday. I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was going to do. I figured I’d just wait until my creative juices started flowing and come up with something the night before, like I always do.

Anyway, at lunchtime, I saw a group of CCP girls crowded around MacKenzie raving about her brand-new Prada cell phone. And, get this! She had a cell phone thingy clipped on her ear that looked almost identical to the hearing aid I had found.

Even though I was starting to feel a little guilty about keeping Mrs. Wallabanger’s hearing aid, I suddenly got this fantastically brilliant idea for my social studies project. My project was going to:

1. encourage recycling to cut down on pollution

2. help stop global warming by reducing the number
of “hot air bags” yakking nonstop on cell phones

3. boost my popularity at school by making everyone think I owned an expensive new cell phone thingy, just like MacKenzie’s

I borrowed my dad’s video camera and taped my project.

HOW TO MAKE A FAUX CELL PHONE THINGY FROM AN OLD HEARING AID (A Social Studies Project by NIKKI MAXWELL)

Hi, I’m Nikki, and I’m going to show you how to make a faux cell phone thingy from an old hearing aid. The word “faux” is pronounced “pho,” as in “phony.” It’s a French word snobby people use that means “fake” or “knockoff.”

STEP ONE:

GATHER YOUR SUPPLIES

For this project you will need:

1 hearing aid (recycled, found, or “borrowed”)

1 paper plate

1 can of spray paint (black or silver depending on the model you plan to make)

STEP TWO:

PAINT YOUR HEARING AID

Utilizing my very expert and highly creative skills in arts and crafts, I place Mrs. Wallabang—I mean,
MY
recycled hearing aid on a paper plate.

Then I carefully spray paint it a shiny, metallic black.
Next, I allow the paint to dry for thirty minutes.

Recycling is a vital step in stopping global warming, as my very fine teacher, Mr. Simmons, has taught our social studies class. [Waves to Mr. Simmons.]

STEP THREE:

MAKE UP A SCRIPT FOR YOUR FAUX CALLS

Even though your phone thingy will look so real it’ll fool your family and friends, you must always keep in mind that it is NOT real. This means you will have to make up faux (phony) things to say while you are wearing it, like:

1. “Dee-dee-dee! Dee-dee-dee!” (This is your phone ringing. I recommend using a very high-pitched voice for authenticity. Or you can sing or hum your favorite song for a Top 40 ring tone.)

2. “OMG! I CAN’T believe she actually said that! I’m going to hang up and call (insert the name of your biggest school gossip) right now!”

3. “I’d really love to give you my cell phone number, but I get SO many calls that my ’rents said I’m not allowed to give it out anymore or they’ll take away my phone. But, if you like, I can put you on my waiting list to receive it…”

4. “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? You’re breaking up! Hello?!”

5. “#@$%&!! Another dropped call! I HATE having (insert the name of a cruddy cell phone company) as a service provider!”

6. “Hello, I’d like to order a large pizza with extra (insert favorite pizza toppings) and hold the (insert least favorite pizza toppings). Thanks!”

7. “SHOOT! This stupid thing isn’t working anymore! Either my battery is low or I need to buy some more minutes. Sorry!”
(The very convincing lie you tell when someone asks to borrow your cool phone to make a quick call. REMEMBER, IT’S
NOT
REAL!)

STEP FOUR:

CLIP YOUR FAUX CELL PHONE THINGY ON YOUR EAR AND START TALKING.

Congratulations!

Your new faux cell phone thingy is now ready for public use!

IMPRESS your family and AMAZE your friends.

But most important, do YOUR part to help STOP global warming by recycling an old hearing aid into a faux cell phone thingy today!

***THE END***

Unfortunately, I had a little complication with step four. After dinner I decided to practice humming my ring tone so I could start receiving faux calls in school tomorrow. I had been wearing my phone for only about five minutes when I felt a mild irritation and burning sensation on my right ear and the area around it.

However, after ten minutes, it turned into a full-blown rash. A really itchy, irritating one.

It didn’t take long for me to come to the conclusion that the rash was all my MOM’S fault!

Why she never bothered to tell me I was highly allergic to shiny, metallic black spray paint, I’ll never know. I mean, she HAD to have known this information. Right? This is the same woman who gave birth to me!

Lucky for me, my dad still had some antihistamine cream left over from the time he got attacked by those wasps. So I slathered it all over my ear and the side of my face.

Since I had no further use for Mrs. Wallabanger’s hearing aid, I decided the moral and right thing to do was to return it to her.

ANONYMOUSLY!

I placed her hearing aid in a little box with a bow on it and attached a note. Then I put it on her front step, rang her doorbell, and ran away. It’s not like I was scared of her or anything. I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise.

Later that evening, I saw Mrs. Wallabanger walking her dog and, sure enough, she was wearing her hearing aid and a huge smile.

If I EVER find another hearing aid on the sidewalk, I’m definitely going to just leave it there. I only hope:

1. I get a decent grade on my global warming project and

2. This ugly rash goes away before school tomorrow

ICK!
!!