Sympathy for the Devil (54 page)

Smuggled off to Rome to swipe the Papal second course

Riding on a bale of hay changed into a horse

Lighting his cigars, cleaning up his mess

Playing tricks on ostlers, IQs forty-three or less

Scaring up a bowl of grapes on January first

Mixing up a stupid drink to quench a stupid thirst

Chasing down new girls for him to catechise unsightly

Doing stupid card tricks watching stupid card tricks nightly.

I'm only Faustus's tool

There's no one that I can sue

Stuck in this backwater school

Feeling so battered and blue.

(Please sir, may I have another Tylenol?)

There's no kind of man I haven't tempted in my days

I've hung with every ex-seraphim this side of Hades

Sent Alexander a mosquito, taught Cleopatra how to kiss

Told Lao Tzu to quit his job, and now I'm down to this.

They say the Lord of Heaven's ways work quite mysteriously

Pal, I'm here to tell you what they say they say it justly.

Just one thought has kept me sane for twenty-seven years

That's at the stroke midnight I'll be drying all my tears

For now I'm Faustus's fool

Trapped within his arena

Doing hops through his hoops

I ain't seen nothing obscener.

(Bet your dog can't dance like this.)

Clock
: You think you've got it bad, let's switch jobs awhile, Sam

At least you get to walk around, I'm frozen on this stand

What's more I can't remember why he strapped me to this block

I must have pissed him off some way. Bong! It's five o'clock.

Mephisto
: Five o'clock! That means he's only seven hours away

From a certain course of exercise I'm planning from this day

I'll whip him into shape, I'll take a pound of flesh or more

He'll be twice the man he is today and I'll be half as sore.

No longer Faustus's fool

There'll be some things I can do

I'll be intolerably cruel

He'll end up scholarly stew.

(Wizard guts--they're not just for breakfast anymore!)

While Faustus and Mephisto banter in the study, the door to Faustus's apartments opens silently and Wagner sneaks in. He goes to the study door, listens, hears their voices, music. Sniffs the air. As Faustus comes to open the door he rushes across the common room into the bedroom, looks around frantically, then hides in the closet, where he trips over some shoes and bumps into Helen. The closet is cut away, so we can view the inside. Dim light. Hanging robes. Heaps of shoes, boots. Helen, bored.

Wagner
: Mmmph! Who is it?

Helen
(helping him up): It is I, Helen.

Wagner
: Helen! Just who I've been looking for. I must see you.

Helen
: And here I am without a candle.

Wagner
: No one can hold a candle to you! I need you, Helen. You cannot know the torture I've been through imagining what Faustus has been doing with you.

Helen
: Is that why you came into the closet?

Wagner
: Faustus sent me on a fool's errand, but now that I'm with you I'll never play the fool again. He expects me to find an imp he lost. I snuck in to search his books for a spell to help me. I don't know why he can't do it himself.

Helen
: He knows how to do it himself. But sometimes he'd rather not. Look at me.

Faustus and Mephistopheles enter the bedroom. Fausts makes Mephistopheles go down on all fours and begins to use him as a card table, laying out a solitaire hand with his tarot deck. Steam begins to rise from Mephisto's collar.

Wagner
: I wish I could. Say, do you smell burning sulfur?

Helen
: You should never eat radishes.

Wagner
: Who can he have out there with him?

Helen
: Some visiting scholar, surely. I'm so glad you found me. I didn't even suspect you knew of my existence. I've been so bored, cooped up in here. It's worse than life with Menelaus ever was. And Sparta was heaven compared to this! I'm still a young woman. I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to enjoy every particle of life! Can you help me, dear student?

She kisses him passionately. Steam begins to rise from Wagner's collar, too. Outside in the bedroom, Faustus is coughing from the gathering smoke in the room; he gathers up his cards, waves the billowing clouds of smoke away and retreats to the common room. Mephisto rises and follows.

Wagner
: I'll do my best. You have to realize I'm not very experienced at...

Helen
: Don't worry. Troy wasn't ruined in a day. But now you must go.

Wagner
: Go? But I just got here.

Helen
: Nevertheless. If Faustus found you here his jealously would know no bounds. Come back later, fair student. Tonight! Faustus will be gone until midnight. Return at eleven, and I will show you arts of which I alone am mistress. Until then you must do his bidding.

Wagner
: Eleven? How can I wait that long, thinking of you?

Helen
: Troilus recommended strenuous exercise and cold baths. Until eleven, my love!

She
propels him out the door.

Scene Five

In the Boar's Bollocks Inn. Albergus sits at a table with Bateman plotting Faustus's destruction. A buxom barmaid serves their beers. Albergus is indifferent, but Bateman inspects her avidly.

Albergus
: A half-witted student merely looks into that book and is able to conjure up an imp! Can you imagine the power that volume must contain?

Bateman
: A guy could have a hot time with that book.

Albergus
: It is all a matter of knowing the right words. Faustus's book must contain the language of UrCreation.

Bateman
(
watching waitress
): Or even the language of procreation?

Albergus
: You see, Bateman, most language is just empty words. You've sat outside on a splendid fall afternoon, and the sun warmed your limbs, the sweet breeze caressed your cheek, you lay back and watched the skies, the bullocks, the squirrels?

Bateman
:--the thighs, the buttocks, the girls--

Albergus
:--it's a total sensory experience--

Bateman
: I'll say.

Albergus
:--and there is no way that ordinary language can capture even one thousandth of it.

Bateman
: Preach it, brother!

Albergus
:--But that's ordinary language. What about extraordinary language? What about the language of God, Bateman? In what language did God originally say, "Let There Be Light!"

Bateman
: French?

Albergus
: He said it, Bateman, in that mystic, UrCreative language, the language of ultimate truth. The language that came
before
reality. If a man could grasp that grammar of creation, he could control all that exists! And that language, Bateman, I am convinced, is written in Faustus's book. Can you imagine it? Faustus has his hand upon the axis of the universe! Yet to what use does he put this power?

Bateman
: Well he turned that guy into a clock. And there's those cigar things?

Albergus
: Precisely. A total waste. The man has no more business owning that book than a rabbit.

Bateman
: I don't think he owns a rabbit.

Albergus
: That book belongs to he who can make use of it.

Bateman
: Uh, speaking of grammar, I think that's supposed to be "to him," boss?

Albergus
: To
me
, Bateman. And I aim to get it. Think of the things I might accomplish--strictly for the good of mankind, Bateman, the good of mankind!

ALBERGUS'S SONG:

Power!

I want power!

Enough power to allow

My unique know how to flower.

The world around is aching

For a wise hand to administer a braking

To this runaway cart

The ungovernable heart.

And I can do it.

Why cast my pearls before swine

Why waste my life drinking cheap wine

When I might have champagne

Which, given my intellect,

I deserve

Most royally.

Truth!

Is all I pursue, forsooth!

Not like Faustus, that uncouth pretender.

I must water the tender

Bud of my curiosity

So that my incipient virtuosity

Might grow into a prowess so vital

That it will delight all

And a vision acute

To boot.

Knowledge!

I need knowledge

Not for my own aggrandizement,

But for the advisement, see,

Of those rulers who so ignorantly

Mistake the proper course

Of action. I'll be the source

Of expedient counsel

A man like me, responsible,

Will make them realize

That to do otherwise than I suggest

Would not be best

For the health of the common folk

Or their own.

Bateman
: Love!

Liebschaft!

Amour!

Is what I suggest you initially explore.

I'll help you out, select moral subjects

For your experiments

In passion philters

Affection smelters

And aphrodisiac science.

Don't risk your priceless mind:

I'll selflessly bind myself through rigorous paces

Endure numerous embraces

Test my tender body against feminine wiles

Quaff wild potions out of wilder vials

In Aphrodite's clinical trials.

This barmaid, here, for instance

Could no doubt benefit

From our ministrations

Don't you think?

Boss?

Albergus
: No greed

Or seed

Of self-concern will tarnish my discerning need

To do what must be done

I'll take no bad advice

Or advice at all, indeed.

For it would not be nice

To be swayed

By the paltry parade

Of unenlightended folk who'll seek for my largess

My relief from their distress

The gratitude's store

Which I shall dispense

Selflessly, more

Or less.

You see, Bateman? That man is an imposter; I shall be the true Faustus! But now, how to break in to his study? Who knows what risks that would entail?

Wagner enters, looks around, goes to him.

Wagner
: Pardon me, sir. I am looking for my fellow students, Robin and Dicolini. Have you seen them?

Albergus
: Not since they fled your master's lecture.

Wagner
: I've exhausted myself searching. I thought they were my friends, but it seems they are more interested in other matters now.

Albergus
: A sad breach of faith. Is there anything a fellow scholar can do?

Wagner
: Nothing. Unless you can retrieve the imp that Robin called up.

Albergus
: I am not without some magical prowess. Perhaps I can locate it. Not only that, but if you'll tell me when Faustus is away, I can deposit the creature--caged--in his rooms. It would make a good joke, don't you think? Especially after the shameful way he treated you today.

Wagner
: If you could do that, my gratitude would surpass Goneril's to her father!

Albergus
: You have only to ask.

Wagner
: Yes, good Frater, please. Faustus told me he would not be home until midnight tonight. If you can arrive before then--

Albergus
: I shall be there at ten.

Wagner
: Uh--better make it eleven. Eleven-thirty--I have affairs--uh--business. I will let you in.

Albergus
: Leave it to me. I will be discreet.

Wagner
: Thank you, thank you.

Wagner pumps Albergus's hand vigorously and leaves, as excited as a groom on his wedding day.

Albergus: So, we have our entry into Faustus's rooms! Once there, I will discover the satanist's iniquities. Bateman, you must go to the Bishop of Wittenberg and tell him at once to assemble an ecclesiastical tribunal. We will arrest Faustus by the dawn, have him convicted by noon and roasting at the stake by vespers. And for good measure, we'll roast this slack fool Wagner along with him.

But wait! I must not be compromised by being associated with the disappearance of Faustus's magic book. (
snaps fingers
) Aha! A disguise! (
writes a hurried note
) Bateman, after you speak to the bishop I want you to fetch me the following items.

Albergus hands Bateman the note and the latter exits. Albergus sips his tankard of ale, throws a couple of coins onto the table, then departs himself. As soon as he does Robin and Dicolini crawl out from beneath the table. Dicolini drains the remainder of Albergus's ale in a gulp. Robin picks up one of the coins and bites through it. He chews thoughtfully, pulls a salt shaker from his robe, sprinkles the remainder on the coin and pops it into his mouth.

Dicolini
: You hear that, Robbie? That Icebergus, hesa cross-double us. Hesa break the case himself and keep alla pieces. We gonna have to get tough.

Robin thrusts a fist under Dicolini's nose, grimacing and breathing heavily; his other arm goes into a windmill windup. Dicolini kicks him in the butt.

Dicolini
: Whatsa matter for you! Getta tough with him, not me. Now listen, we gotta move fast and get to Faustus's place before the boss, before Wagner, before anybody. We get there so early we be there before we arrive!

Robin honks. They exit. Wagner returns carrying a bundle of clothes. He addresses the barmaid.