Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love) (5 page)

Chapter 8

Roxie

The ride home is filled with the sound of Cruz humming to Muse and me cuddled up to his side. Smart move on my part? I’m hoping so. I like this guy a bit too much. He is right…things hadn’t really changed as far as the feeling of us together. I think what makes it hard is the fact that it’d been so long ago and in my head, I couldn’t push back the worry that it might just be the memory we’re feeling. Granted, we both have secrets we still need to talk about but I feel comfortable with him. I hadn’t been comfortable with a guy in such a long time; this is all so new to me.

The ride lulled me to sleep again, even though I napped earlier. I always got up extra early in the morning to take care of my mother. At this point, ‘So Tired’ is my middle name.

“Can I take you out again?”

I don’t lift my head from his shoulder. “You sure you want to do this again?”

“Yeah I’m sure, besides we still have to talk.”

“There is that,” I said half under my breath.

“We could always just go out together and act as if nothing else ever happened. Start a new past together and leave the old one behind. Pretend that we never met each other. If that would make you feel better?”

I move off his shoulder and stare at him with a frown on my face.

Then, he burst out laughing. “I can feel you shooting daggers into me with your eyes.”

I shook my head chuckling with him. “No, in order for anything to happen we need to talk. I really need to hear you tell me why you were arrested that day.”

“I know. Right now though, I’m taking you back to the hotel. I want another date. We can talk about ourselves as much as we like. I don’t plan on going anywhere…anytime soon.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” he repeated.

“Mm-hmm, Okay. On the condition that you take me to Farleys for cheesecake.”

Farleys is a dessert bar about thirty minutes out of town. It would be far enough from town, so they could truly talk. I didn’t think that we would talk about the whole nine years in just one more date, but to have the communication open, it would be wonderful and a start to perhaps something new as he’d said.

He went into a fit of laughter and when he finished, he said between a few chuckles, “You my dear, drive a hard bargain. How can I resist a date with you, plus a chance to have some cheesecake?”

“Well, who knew? I thought I had to sweeten the deal with the offer of some cheesecake.” I’m teasing him of course and I give him a big cheesy grin.

He looks my way, smiles and turns back to driving.

I really don’t want the night to end. There is that saying though,
how all good things must come to an end.

He didn’t say anything as he pulls into the parking lot of the motel. When he parked, he turns towards me after turning off the car. His long fingers gripping the steering wheel as if he didn’t trust himself on where to put them, his expression looks serious.

“Should I be worried?” I ask him.

He shook his head in the negative. “No, there isn’t a reason for you to be worried, Rox. I just want you to know—all kidding aside, I do want to take it slow and see what happens. Nine years ago, we were kids. I know it bothers you and I can understand it. I’m still that boy and yes…I’m a man now and I’ve been through some things. Things that aren’t all sweet and light, dark things that eat at my soul. We have a lot to talk about—just give me a chance to do so. Time, I need time. It didn’t all happen at once, so it isn’t going to pour out all at once…”

I held my breath as he spoke, his voice sounding warm and genuine.

He reaches over and took my hand in his and gives it his signature squeeze. “You’re all I’ve thought about. I know I’ve said that, but it’s the truth and it’s not just a line.”

Looking into his eyes, I could see he seemed sincere and he really believes there’s something between us. What could it hurt to see where this could go? I’d always wondered what could have been, hadn’t I? “Slow…Cruz.” I was giving him the go ahead with those two words. I watch his eyes light up.

He looks so tired and he lets out a sigh.

I couldn’t resist cupping his cheek. I smooth my hand along his jawline and rub my thumb over his soul patch. I never take my eyes off his; eye contact is such a gateway to sex for me. There’s so much the eyes can say without you having to open your mouth.

“As slow as you want Roxie.”

I’d been alone for so long and part of me wants to tell him it’s okay, I didn’t want to go slow. The other part of me that had been hurt before, way too many times won out. I lean in, closing my eyes and puckering my lips for his kiss.

Only a breath later, his lips cover mine and we both give a soft sigh.

Nothing wrong with kisses—nothing
ever
wrong with his kisses. This is what I tell myself while he kisses me. Nor could one ever get enough of them. Cruz’s kisses are the best. They’re like magic and a healing salve to my soul, but I won’t be telling him that anytime soon. This, I would keep close to my heart and if things work out, Cruz Montoya would hear just how powerful his kisses had become in my life again. “Well, part of that going slow would be me leaving—while we’re ahead.”

He gives a nod of his head. “One more kiss please?”

Damn.
He’s just as sprung as I am when it concerns our lips touching. I grin and lean forward, giving him a peck on the lips, and then with a giggle, I flounce out of the car and close the door. Leaning in through the open window, I grin. “Some things are worth waiting for. I’ll kiss you lots tomorrow, I’m sure.”

“You want me to pick you up here or at home?”

I didn’t want him to pick me up at home. My mother is there and the hate she could spew out even in her dementia state stung, let alone when she’s lucid. I didn’t want him to see that part of my life. It’s ugly and raw. She spares no one. There were times when she didn’t remember a person and could be as sweet as pie. Then there were the times when she becomes this harridan who spews forth all the garbage in the world that she could think to say.

“I’ll meet you here at whatever time you want, I don’t work tomorrow.”

He frowns in a seeming confusion.

I’m now wondering if he’s going to ask why I didn’t want him to pick me up at home.

“Sounds good. Six o’clock a good time to meet you here?”

I breathe a sigh of relief when he doesn’t ask. “Yes, that’s a perfect time. I’ll make sure to be here and not keep you waiting.”

Cruz gets out of his car and walks around to me.

This time, I didn’t slip away from him. I expect him to pull me close but all he did is lean in and kiss the tip of my nose, then grab my hand, holding on. “Lead the way to your car, there’s no way I’d let a lady walk in a dark parking lot by herself. No matter if you own the place.”

Taking his hand, I walk to my modest little Ford Escort. Clicking on the remote, I unlock it and turn to him. I don’t tell him I like his protectiveness but I don’t think I really need to as I’m sure he saw my reaction.  “Thank you for walking me to my car. So, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yep, you’ll see me then.” He still held my hand.

I wiggle out of his grip and get into my car. I gaze one last time into his green eyes and see simmering in his gaze.

Cruz moves out the way.

I wave to him as I drive off.
Oh yeah, the boy still has so much swagger it’s unreal.

Chapter 9

Cruz

I thought I might get through the night without a dream. I’m not so lucky. I feel so tired after our date, but so happy she said yes to another one. I would get more time with her and also time to divulge my secrets without feeling rushed. Roxie has secrets too, it became quite apparent when she said Macy was dead. The pain I heard in her voice and saw in her eyes made me want to hold her close and never let her go. I think going to bed with that image and sound in my eyes brought about the dream. Otherwise, I don’t know why it came back.

The dream is so bad that I shot up with sweat rolling off my body, fighting the urge to cry out. I rest my head against the headboard with only the sheet on my naked body. The room felt cool as I opened my window earlier to let in the ocean breeze before I’d gone to bed.

I take in a deep breath, trying to calm my heart and  block out the vision of bodies piled on one another after a bomb had gone off in Kabul. In my dream, I’d been walking through the remains, trying not to look into the faces of the dead. Their eyes wide open in some cases—if they had a head at all. There were limbs everywhere, those who hadn’t died, moaned in agony and reached out to me, grabbing at my legs as I went by. This is a dream I have all the time but the difference this time, was when I looked down at one of the bodies it wasn’t one of my fellow soldiers I saw—but Roxanne.

Remembering seeing her like that with her eyes staring off into the distance is enough to send me from the bed into the bathroom where I hurl the contents of my stomach until there’s nothing left. I stood on shaky legs at the sink, rinsing my mouth out with water and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look and feel like dog shit. I shiver as the adrenaline that just shot through my body starts to taper off.

This became too much. It seems bad enough I have to relive what happened to my buddies, but to then have their faces replaced with the girl I couldn’t stop thinking about? I still feel so sick to my stomach, I can’t get the dream out of my mind.
This fucking sucked.
I pick up my toothbrush and begin to brush my teeth…I need to get the taste of bile out of my mouth.

I’d seen too much in my life even before Afghanistan.
What am I doing?
I shouldn’t be here. I should run from here as fast as I could. She didn’t deserve to be saddled with someone like me. I have too many skeletons. Too much pain inside that I bottle up. I know everyone has baggage but the baggage I have is too much for me to bear. Why did I think she could handle if I can’t?

It has to come out somehow, so the nightmares are the only outlet. I want to be free of them, though I don’t think it will ever happen. I squint into the mirror again and shudder as a cold sweat pops up all over my body and my right hand starts shaking. I set the toothbrush down before I drop it and back up, sliding down onto the floor to lean against the bathroom window.

Holding my right hand, I try to stop the involuntary shaking I’ve had ever since being deployed to Kabul. It’s possible to get the shaking under control, once I get my emotions under control. I never want her to see me like this.
She can’t ever see me like this!
My head is throbbing something fierce and I swallow back the bile that rises again. I need to get myself back under control and presentable.

I must get control of this—I can’t go to her and be unstable. I feel thankful I have a few more hours before I see her. I want to get myself straight.
Damn—a drink would be good right now.
I don’t drink though, I learned early in life that drinking and I didn’t mix. I tend to get unruly and become an angry drunk. I’d experienced a lot of bar fights until I stopped drinking. It took some time for me to learn that I would be a total wreck if I went back to drinking.

Not a good thing to have happen at any point in my life and definitely not something I wanted to have happen when I’m around Roxie. I think it has everything to do with my genes. My father, his father and his father’s father had been alcoholics. I wanted that legacy to stop with me. I’m not my father nor am I any of the other men in my family who couldn’t handle their drink, yet drank themselves into a stupor. I wanted to escape but that wouldn’t be the way to do it.

I got up on shaky legs and head back into the bedroom, sitting cross-legged on the floor with my hands resting on my knees. I close my eyes and take in deep relaxing breaths. I focus on my breathing. Five count in and five count out until my heart isn’t racing so fast and the anxiety that’s roiling through my body begins to fizzle out. My mantra as always is Roxie’s name. This is as close to spiritual as I get.

I’ve often wondered if there truly is a god and why I’m even here. Why did I suffer so much? I’d like to think if there were, he hadn’t forgotten me. It was a shame but with so much dysfunction that’s been in my life, so much death—how can I believe there’s anyone really up there? My father claimed to be a religious person. If he was…I wanted nothing to do with it. I’ve learned to rely on me. Things happen for a reason. I’m going to just deal with the reasons the best way I can.

I don’t like to think about religion in general. It’s such a convoluted subject and everyone has their own interpretation of it. All I know is that in my life, praying hasn’t helped. I prayed as a child for things to go differently and they didn’t. I prayed for my father to stop beating me. I prayed for my mother to come back. I prayed for the war in Kabul to stop. I’d been raised as a Christian, so it wasn’t like I didn’t know how to pray, I think I’d just become so hardened to it and didn’t want to do it.

The stress, anger and fear pour out of me as I think on my angel of this world, Roxie. I wonder what she’d think if she figured out that I use her to bring myself down from a total meltdown? Roxie is my saving grace. I shudder to think what would’ve happened to me, if I hadn’t met her when I was a teen.

I roll my shoulders and let out one additional cleansing breath. Relaxation fills my mind, heart and soul, so once more, I’m at peace and all things are right in my world. My next thought is about kissing her and holding her in my arms. That would bring about true peace along with what I hope is some serious pleasure for the both of us.

I mean who wouldn’t want to kiss her? She has the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted. Roxie honestly, just makes me feel alive. I struggle every day to feel human and then that struggle is alleviated by thoughts of my angel.

There’s still some time before go to see her. So, I get into position on the floor to do pushups. I want to feel the burn of exercise. Staying in shape brings focus as well. I work out till the pain and the burn of it takes my mind to another place. I do so many repetitions that my arms and legs are burning. This is the zone where I want to be…A zone that keeps me so tired, I can’t think about the pain and memories.

I want to make new memories. Memories that involve a certain dark skinned beauty who makes my heart sing. If I have my way, that is what’s going to happen. New memories and a new life with the woman I care for beyond measure.

Fuck! I need to stop being a pussy and at least admit it to myself.
I love her. I’ve loved her since we were teens and at this point—I know I’m going to love her till the day I died.