Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love) (3 page)

Chapter 4

Cruz

I’d gotten used to the stares since being back in town. I hope Roxanne can take it. I feel her stiffen up beside me, since my hand is on her waist when we enter into the diner, and then she asks if I wanted to leave. I haven’t willingly run from a situation in years and I wasn’t about to start now. Part of me wants to appease her and take her somewhere, so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable but the other part of me, the defiant part refused, and it wins out.

The waitress walked up and luckily it wasn’t anyone I knew. She took us to our table which sat in the back in a corner. Had to wonder if it was strategically done. I wait till Roxie is settled in her seat and then I followed suit. She looked gorgeous. I know, I’ve said it before but it’s the truth and I can’t say it enough, at least not to myself.

“Hello, I’m Tara and I’ll be your waitress today. What can I get you to drink?”

I waited for Roxanne to chime in, ladies first and all that jazz. Hey, least I could do is be a gentleman right? She ordered a cream soda and I told the waitress I’d have the same. The cream soda served here had always been excellent and a specialty of theirs.

The waitress left and it took no time for Roxie to begin her questioning, “Okay, so are you going to tell me what I was thinking?” She peeked at me over the menu her beautiful brown eyes filled with questions.

“Yeah, I think you didn’t expect me to listen to that kind of music. It centers me. Along with meditation and chanting it does have a bit of a calming effect.” I wasn’t about to tell her that I chanted her name every night to try to get sleep. Today it worked. I wonder if it was because my subconscious recognized how she was near. It felt like one of the best rests I’ve had in a long time.

“Nothing wrong with using whatever will help with…” She trailed off.

I grin at her. “Help with my demons?”

“You said it, not I.” Roxie kept grinning back at me. 

Her brilliant smile makes me feel better. At least she recognized that I must have some demons. In thinking about it, I realize she must have some as well. Unfortunately in this life, there weren’t many who weren’t unscathed by some type of dysfunction within the all American family.

“You owe me some answers,” Roxie said it so quietly I almost didn’t hear her.

“Yes, I do. Though, I’m not sure if you’re going to like the answers you get.”

“Let me be the judge of that Cruz. You walked out of my life. No—let me change that you were handcuffed and pulled out of my life and now you return nine years later, and I’m very curious as to why.”

The waitress returned to take our order, so we both went quiet. The whole town looked as if they were already talking about us, so no need to give them more shit to discuss.

“You two ready to order?”

“I’d like to have the cheeseburger and steak fries please. I would also like grilled onions on the burger with ketchup and mayo, no mustard.” Roxie gave her menu back to the waitress.

It felt great hearing her order and not trying to hide behind a salad. She was a healthy girl and loved her food and in turn, I reaped the benefits of it. There’d never been a girl or woman who could make me smile like the one sitting across from me. I expect that’s why having to chant her name had such a calming effect on me. My therapist said it would be best for me to come back home and close all unresolved issues and perhaps, I’d get my sanity back, then I would be able to sleep.

Well, she hadn’t said it like that, but this is the way I see it.

Roxanne is my fantasy and my sanity all rolled up into a beautiful girl. One with dark brown eyes, black hair along with that sweet cappuccino and cream colored skin. She moves me in ways no one else ever had. I’d never gotten the chance to tell her this. I wanted to tell her and I would. Though, I intended to also let her know that if she didn’t want me that way it was okay. I understood how life would go on after I left.

“Sounds good and you sir?” Tara, our waitress asked.

“I’d like to have the steak and loaded potato.” I close the menu and hand it to her.

She nods and then leaves.

I knew talking wasn’t far behind.

“You do realize neither one of us ordered coffee?”

“The night is still young, Roxie.” I laughed.

“True, but how do you know I still want to spend time with you after this?” Her voice carries a teasing tone, even though she tries to look serious.

I like her teasing me. “How about we eat first and I’ll tell you all about why I left after we take a walk?”

“What about on the Boardwalk? I mean it’s well lit there and beautiful even if it’s filled with people, there are still places where it won’t be so crowded.”

I chuckle. “You really,
really
want to go to the Boardwalk don’t you?”

Her skin flushes. “Yeah, I’m acting as if I own it aren’t I? I keep pushing it at you.”

I smile. I could still make her blush, very interesting. “It’s okay. I’ll take you wherever you’d like to go Rox. I just want to make sure you‘ve eaten before we talk about the past.” The boardwalk would be a perfect place to chat. It would get us out of town and away from where everything went crazy…A new place to perhaps, start a new chapter with her—
perhaps.

“Think I need a full stomach for what you have to say?”

I watch as she picks up her soda, her long slim fingers wrapping around the frosty glass as she took a long sip
. Damn. Roxie has the most perfectly full lips ever.
I dreamt about them when I was being held by the state and when I went off to Kabul. She always remained in my thoughts. I don’t know what it was about her that made me like this. I do know I didn’t want to let it go again. “I promised to feed you, so yeah I’d feel better if you had a full stomach.”

It’s funny how I can feel the people in the diner still staring and talking about me. More than likely, they were wondering why Roxie was sitting there with me. Then I look at Roxanne and I realize…I don’t care what they think. Then, the other part of me realizes that I’m possibly ruining her life. Roxanne deserves better than me. I’m damaged goods. I think about back when we were kids, lying under the stars at the football field on campus.

Roxanne always planned to be an actress. She has questions and so did I. I wanted to know why she didn’t just run with her dreams. Why did she stay in this god forsaken town when she’d actually had talent? The boardwalk would be a place to start that kind of talk. It would also show me whether or not ‘we’ had a chance.

When our food is brought to us, we both start to eat and try to keep it light. Idle chitchat, something I’ve never been really good at, but I try my hand at it now, seeing as we’d said we’d leave the serious talk for the walk later. “So, the motel business keeping you busy?”

She grins “As busy as can be. Who doesn’t need a place to stay when they’re traveling?”

“True, there’s nothing like having a place to lay your head.”

“Dad was smart when he decided to open the hotel where he did. We never lack for customers. Loads of the people are repeat guests and being right by the interstate has definite advantages.”

“So, where’s Macy?”

Roxie’s eyes dim and she plays with her straw.

I frown.
What did I say wrong?
Macy is Roxie’s older sister. I wait as the silence at our table deepens.

Finally, Roxie picks up her drink and takes another sip.

I watch her throat work as she swallows, then sets the drink down.

“Macy’s dead.” Roxie’s voice sounds flat.

It’s my turn to not know what to say. Roxie obviously doesn’t want to talk about her sister and I can’t say that I blame her. Death isn’t a great subject at any time, especially if it’s someone you know who is near and dear to you. Macy had only been a few years older than us.
Dead? How could she possibly be dead?
I must not have heard her right. My tongue feels thick and I can’t seem to form another word.

Chapter 5

Roxie

I know I can’t make out like my family is a big happy family when all we are is a big fucking mess…My memory of that day is a little clouded. I’ve tried to forget it but some things can’t be forgotten. I’ve learned to block things out that I don’t want to think about. Makes life easier when I do it, I can’t count how many times blocking has come in handy. This is what I remember from 7 years ago.

A past I will have to dredge up now, because he knows Macy is dead. I can’t drop a bombshell like that and expect him to not want to know the details. I don’t know why I told him. Her death is something I always kept close to my heart. So, while I’m sitting there with him and everything comes flooding back to me—I’m transfixed on the past...

I can’t move. I’m staring at my older sister’s lifeless body in our porcelain tub. Macy’s lips are blue, her eyes open and unseeing. The tub is a sea of red. My mother comes into the bathroom and is screaming bloody murder. Macy had cut her wrists and bled out in the middle of the night. It’s utter chaos in the bathroom now with mom wailing. She’s screaming, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way and that if anyone should be gone it should be me!”

I can’t stop my mother from jumping into the tub. Water is running out and dripping everywhere. My mom pushes past me so fast that I almost fall on my ass, trying to get out of the way.

Magdalene Waters  put all her love into her first child. She never had time for her second daughter. I was the
oops
child…The unwanted. My mother delighted in telling me how Macy had been my father’s shining star and how I’d been the nail in the coffin. I’ve always been blamed for why my father left.

The reason for him leaving couldn’t have been the constant nagging from my mother or the need to get away from where my sister had ended her young life. No. It’d been because I was born that my mother said he left. He hadn’t wanted me. My father just couldn’t deal with what happened. The way he could cope was to walk out of our lives and never look back.

There were so many times I wanted to say to her…
Really? My father adored me.
Or—so he said. I felt bitter against him for leaving just as much as I was with her for her staying. The only legacy left to me was the motel, so instead of those other dreams, I tried to make the best of the motel.

I finally meet Cruz’s gaze and the ghosts behind my eyes that haunt me must be apparent, because he takes a deep breath and starts to speak. I shake my head alerting him that I’m not ready.
Who am I fooling?
I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to talk about her death to anyone.

The sad thing is—I’m sitting here with him and trying to eat as slow as possible, simply because I don’t want to talk about her. I guess I can tell him that. It’s not like he can make me. Sighing, I pick up my drink again and gulp. My mouth is so parched. It’s my nerves kicking in. Macy was such a big part of my life. I’ve never shared with anyone else, the impact her death had on me. Was I really going to share it with Cruz?

***

Roxie stares at me as if I had two heads.

When she mentions her sister dying, I know it had to hurt her. I start to think perhaps I was pushing too fast and expecting too much of her. I needed to say something. Instead of staring at her with my mouth open like a dead fish. “I’m sorry Rox. I know how much Macy meant to you.” Truly, an understatement, but it didn’t make it any less true.

There were tears shimmering in her eyes and yet, I could tell she was refusing to let them fall. I can’t say I blame her. Sometimes, with things that are private you don’t necessarily want them shining out into the light of day. You wanted to keep them hidden, near and dear to your heart.

“Thanks.” Roxie said softly.

So softly, I almost didn’t hear her.

She dips her head and plays with the fries on her plate. The look on her face is one of extreme sadness.

This would be my signal that it was time to get out of the diner and take her where she could clear her head. I raise my hand to get the waitress’ attention for the bill.

Tara came over quickly with a smile on her face. She didn’t seem to notice that the atmosphere around the table seems a little somber. She had the bill with her.

I glance at it, giving her the cash with a generous tip. Standing, I waited for Roxie to get up and when she does, I take her hand in mine and lead her quickly from the diner. She doesn’t flinch away from my touch, so I continue to hold her hand till we’re at the car. I want to do more than hold her hand, but this will have to do.

***

He’s holding my hand and I haven’t taken it away from him. I like how it feels. It’s like he’s protecting me. It also feels like he’s telling me I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to. Settled in the car, I put my head back against the seat and close my eyes, trying to battle headache that’s forming.

“Are you okay?”

I heard the concern in his voice. “Not really, but I will be.” I don’t open my eyes. I know if I stop focusing on what happened to Macy, I’ll get rid of the headache.

“I didn’t mean to bring up any bad memories.”

I turned to gaze at him.

He really looks worried.

“Cruz, it’s okay really. You didn’t know. What I’m going to ask you is to please let me talk about it on my own time. I can’t do it right now.”

He hadn’t started the car yet, and he turns towards me to cup my cheek with his hand.

Electric
—is all I can say about his touch on my skin. How is it that my body responds to him as if he’d never left?

Cruz gazes into my eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can see the need there. He smiles, showing his even white teeth and leans in part way his lips inches from mine. He doesn’t budge, so I meet him half way. He touches his lips to mine, soft and feathery light. Pleasant and soothing. He isn’t trying to slake a deep lust on me right now. Which isn’t really what I need in this moment and he discerns that. I need this light touch, this caress which shows he understands how I feel.

Our lips part, I sigh and settle back in the seat.

“Now, let’s get to the Boardwalk.”

“Yes, lets.” I buckle myself in and relax in the fact that he knows what I need and is willing to do it.

As he pulls out, I yawn. I didn’t recognize how tired I felt.

Cruz must have heard me because he turns to me. “We have an hour ride; so if you want, you can rest your eyes and lean on me.”

“Thanks, it’s been a long day actually.” The emotions had gotten the best of me tonight. It would be nice to be able to rest for just a minute. The car seems small enough for a cozy, relaxing closeness. I nod my head and lay against his shoulder, closing my eyes.

He makes me feel like everything will be all right, even when it seems like it won’t be. The uneasiness of having to share went away and I was rocked to sleep by the classical music he had playing.