Surviving Regret (22 page)

Landon thinks about it for a half a second. “Why do you hold on to the past with Madison then?”

“I have no idea,” Cash answers. “I guess I do because I want to.” He looks out to the field. “There are parts of our lives we can’t change, Landon. I know that seems like I’m being hypocritical, but second chances don’t happen often. I’m still holding out for my second chance with her. Hell, I still want to finish my first chance. We were robbed of that opportunity, it was stolen from us.”

“But you’re not together.”

“I know. But it doesn’t stop me from wanting that chance at forever with her again.”

Cash and I stand in complete silence but it’s the good silence. The kind that doesn’t need to be filled. Maybe today is the day that Cash and I can start to be friends again. Maybe one more tragedy is what it has taken to bring us full circle, back to where we all belong.

***

After I finish my beer with Cash I leave him to go Alexa’s house. I know it’s probably bad timing since she told me this morning she hated me but what I have to say can’t wait.

I knock on Alexa’s door, tuck my hands in my front pockets, and wait. I knock again after a few seconds and wait. I know she’s there, she’s in her room, the light is on. I wait another second before I turn and start to walk away.

“Landon?” Alexa says stopping me.

I turn, her face is blotchy and tear-stained. I walk right up to her and wrap my arms around her not caring if she tries to hit me again. She needs this hug just as much as I do.

“I’m sorry,” I say. I don’t know if she heard me over her sobbing but I’ll say it a million times if I have to.

“Landon,” she says with a shudder. “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to stop this shit that you’re doing. I want you to be my Landon who always makes me laugh, the Landon who always knew how to draw a crowd and make himself look like a fool but yet had every girl after him. I want the Landon who never took anything serious. I just want you back. I need you, Landon. My life is so fucked up and nothing makes me even crack a smile because I know Steven isn’t here to make that happen.” She rests her head on my chest with her arms wrapped around me. “You’re the only other one who makes me forget what happened.”

“Alexa,” I close my eyes briefly. “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to cause the accident. If I could change places with Steven I would. I’d do it in a heartbeat. He deserves to be here, not me.”

Alexa shoves me away. “Landon,” she yells. “Do not say that. You do deserve to be here and so does he but he’s not. You. Are. Start living your life. It’s what he would want.”

I shake my head, she’s wrong I don’t deserve to be here. “I miss him.”

She gives me a sad smiles and tears fall from her eyes. “Me too, Landon. Me too.”

I reach over and wipe the tears from Alexa’s eyes and then cup her face. “I’m sorry for not being there for you. I thought you hated me and thought it was best to just stay away.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t hate you. I could never.”

I smile. “It’s okay if you do.”

She gives me that look and I shut up.

“Fix yourself, Landon. There are a lot of people who need you. People you don’t even realize because you’ve pushed them away.”

She’s talking about Macy. And herself.

“It’s not going to be easy.”

“It never is.”

And she’s right. Nothing is ever easy in life. You either take it on head-first or you’ll never survive and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’m barely surviving. I’m walking that fine line between merely existing and total self-destruction.

Chapter Eight

December 8, 2013

Macy

I promised Jackie that I would stop over today so that’s where I’m on my way too. It snowed last night but not enough that it would stop me from walking over there. I’m never breaking a promise ever again.

Jackie is standing at the kitchen table, she’s elbow deep in cookie dough. I waste no time at all, quickly taking my jacket, gloves, and shoes off. The shoes are one of Jackie’s pet peeves. If your shoes were wet, you better damn sure leave them at the door. I can still hear her yelling at all of us, including Steven’s brothers, when we would come in from playing out in the snow.

“Morning, Macy,” she greets me with a smile.

“Morning,” I shuffle toward the table. “Need some help?”

She stops kneading the dough for a second and blinks a few times. She nods and I see her swallow a few times. I walk over to the sink and wash my hands. Jackie is well known for making dozens of cookies starting around this time of year and doesn’t stop until after Christmas. She hands them out to all the neighbors, probably the whole town.

I start on a batch of sugar cookies while Jackie pours some chocolate chips in hers and starts mixing again. I put the recommended amount of butter in the bowl and then add the sugar and blend it until it’s creamy just like the age-old recipe says.

I hear someone moaning behind me and I turn to see who it is. Connor is standing in the entryway rubbing his stomach. “You couldn’t have waited until after I was up and back from the gym to start that?”

Adam pushes him aside so he can walk past him. “No, idiot, you know how it is this time of year.”

“Boys,” Jackie warns and both of their demeanors change instantly.

Josh drags his ass into the kitchen looking like a hot mess. His hair is sticking up all over the place, he’s only got on a pair of boxers and he has pillow lines etched across his face. Either he hasn’t put two and two together yet and noticed me or he doesn’t care. I crack a smile, he doesn’t care. Steven was the same way around me, he treated me like I was one of the guys, like his family.

“Josh,” Jackie looks from him to me and back again.

He gets this smug smile on his face and goes to stand behind me. Jackie’s watching his every move. “Morning, Mom.”

“Morning, Josh,” she huffs. “Go get some clothes on.”

I hear him chuckle behind me and then his brothers chime in. “He’s better with taking them off,” I hear Conner mumble. It’s true. I think I’ve seen Josh naked almost as much as Landon. He’s also the youngest and swore every day growing up he wanted to be like Steven and Landon but he’s better because they got the whole package in just him.

Josh puts a hand on my hip, “Morning, Macy.” I bring my elbow up and elbow him in the gut.

He coughs and I smile. Jackie chuckles under her breath. I can handle myself perfectly fine when it comes to the Griffin boys. Steven’s dad has always turned to putty once his eyes landed on me and Madison. He says if he ever had daughters he wished for them to be just like us.

“So violent.” Josh says rubbing at his chest.

I crack open a few eggs to add to the sugar and butter followed by the vanilla. The guys bustle around the kitchen raiding the cabinets for food.

“I’m outta here,” Connor announces. “If I stay in here any longer there isn’t going to be any point in going to the gym because I’m going to eat my weight in cookies.”

Adam gives way and follows behind Connor. Josh is sitting at the table eating some cereal. Jackie spoons some dough on cookie sheets and carries them over to the oven. When she isn’t looking I ball up a piece of the dough and throw it at Josh.

He looks up smiling. God, I’ve missed being home. I thought it would hurt if I came over here to visit but it’s not so bad after all. Josh throws it back at me and it’s a perfect shot landing between my boobs. I look up with my jaw on the floor. He couldn’t do that again if he tried. Little shit.

He jumps up and yells, “Field gooooaall,” and proceeds to double over in laughter.

I shoot him a scowl that makes him laugh even harder.

Once he’s contained his amusement, Josh picks up his bowl and rinses it before putting it in the dishwasher. He kisses his mom’s cheek, “See you around dinner.”

“Bye, baby.”

Josh winks, “Eight o’clock, my bed?”

I start laughing and Jackie drops the cookie sheet on the floor. “Oh, heavens, how did I raise this child?” Jackie spins on her son. “Josh.”

“You wouldn’t know how to handle me,” I toss back at him. It’s probably inappropriate but this is Josh, it hardly ever is.

“I can take you and Madison at the same time,” he says smugly.

“Josh!” Jackie yells. I laugh as he holds his hands up in surrender. “Out. Now.”

Josh winks and leaves the kitchen. Jackie finishes picking up the ruined dough and throws it in the trash. I expect her to be a bit embarrassed but she’s smiling. “You always did know how to handle yourself with the boys, huh?”

I shake my head, “No, just the Griffin’s.”

She fiddles around with the spoon in her hand, calculating her next question. “How was Alexa?”

I shrug because, yeah she talked to us, but it seemed like a mask to cover the pain, the hurt. “She’s okay, I guess.”

Jackie nods, “How are you doing?” She looks up to me, “And don’t lie to me, missy.”

She always has a way of knowing you’re about to lie. I can’t even tell you how many times Steven was caught up in a lie with his mom and she knew every single time.

“I’m a mess.” It’s the truth.

She wipes her hands on her apron and motions with her head to take a seat at the table. I follow.

“What’s been going on? How are you and Madison dealing?” She looks away and then back to me again. “I know you girls don’t talk much.”

“We don’t talk at all.” The thought of Madison makes me so angry, makes me want to punch her in the face and that’s not me, but when it comes to my sister that’s how I feel.

“Sweetie,” Jackie says in a motherly voice. “You have to let the past go. You, Macy, of all the people I know never hold on to anything.”

Folding my hands I place them on my lap, “She almost slept with Landon.”

Jackie’s shocked, “Almost?”

I nod, “Yeah, at prom.”

Jackie doesn’t say anything and I don’t want to tell her the rest of the story but I know I need to. I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it, at least not someone who was involved. I can’t talk to my mom about it because we’re her daughters and she doesn’t need to hear this shit. Our mom just thinks that I blame Madison for the accident, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Alexa caught them.” Her eyes close briefly. “One minute we were dancing and the next moment Alexa caught them in the janitor’s closet making out. Cash and I went to go find them and they both stumbled out of the closet with their clothes all disheveled.”

“Oh, Jesus,” Jackie shakes her head.

“Yup, I haven’t spoken to her in three years.”

Jackie’s head tilts to the side, “But you talk to Landon?”

I ring my hands together tightly, “Yeah.”

She huffs, “You always did have a soft spot for Landon.” Jackie shifts in her seat. “He would walk into a room and your face would light up.”

Tears sting my eyes and I try to blink them away.

“Macy,” I hear the concern. “Do you ever think about what Madison is going through? What if it was her who tried to kill herself?” Her eyes glass over. “I’m not trying to defend Madison here because what she did was wrong but if you look at it from my side of things. She not only lost my baby, one of her best friends, but she also lost you, her other half.”

That makes me angry. I angle my body away from Jackie’s. “She never should have put a hand on Landon. Hell, she not only hurt me but she crushed Cash.” I bang my hand on the table. “She had everything and threw it away like it was trash!”

Jackie stands, walks around the table and sits next to me grabbing both my hands. “I know, sweetie. What she did was so very wrong, Landon too, but some of us aren’t as strong as you and Cash. Some people do stupid things when they’re mad, when they’re hurting. Some people turn to drugs and alcohol, some people try killing themselves. And some people turn a blind eye.”

The tears fall, I can’t help it.

“I miss him, Jackie.” My head falls forward, too heavy to hold up. “I’m sorry.”

Jackie throws her arms around me and we cry together. Both of us holding on to each other and crying over the boy who loved life. Who always saw the best in everything. Who had everything going for him and in an instant it was gone.

Jackie sits up and reaches for some napkins that are sitting on the table. She hands one to me and then wipes her tears away. “Macy…”

I look over and try to smile through the pain.

“Forgive your sister. For me, for my son. I can’t bear the thought of one more life wasted from the accident.”

The tears start all over again. And I nod because I will, because I can’t lose anyone and I need my sister. I haven’t felt whole since the night at prom.

Jackie hands me a tissue, “Aren’t we just a party?”

“Party?” Madison says from behind us. I don’t even need to turn around to know it’s her.

Jackie reaches over and wipes my tears away. “Yup, we’re having a party.” She stands, “Alexa, could you help me in the kitchen?”

Madison nods toward the door. I wipe my face and follow behind her giving Jackie and Alexa some time together.

It’s freezing cold out here and I can feel my skin burn a little from the tears that I just wiped away. Madison takes a seat on the front step and I sit beside her. She really looks horrible today. I’m not sure if it’s being back in Canby or the drugs catching up with her.

I don’t know exactly what to say to her. I know something needs to be said. I’ve got to deal with the past. She is my sister after all but it doesn’t make what she and Landon did any easier. She’s my sister, she should have never even thought about crossing that line. It was unacceptable. I think I was more pissed at her because she knew just how deep my feelings ran for Landon. She was the only one who really knew.

We’ve been sitting out here for a few minutes. I can hear Alexa and Jackie talking and laughing. It’s nice to hear her laugh after everything she’s been through lately.

“I’m sorry.” I hear Madison say.

I can tell with the tone of her voice that she means it. It’s only taken her three years. Yeah, she’s said it plenty of times when it first happened but she really didn’t truly mean it. Not like she does now. “I know you are, Madison.”