Surviving Regret (18 page)

I rest my elbows on my knees and scrub my face with my hands.
What the fuck am I going to do now?

Coach Lander leans against the desk in front of me, “You need help, Landon,” he says in a sincere voice. “I’ve watched you for the last three years and with each passing year I see you giving up.” He sighs, “You need to find that young man you were before the accident. The one I saw dominating the field your senior year. I know he’s in there, every once in a while he’ll make an appearance but never sticks around for long.”

I meet his eyes for the first time since stepping foot in his office. “And what if I can’t, Coach?”

He smiles, “Never doubt yourself, Landon. Everything may seem fucked up right now but things have a way of working out in the long run.”

His words feel empty, I feel empty. I’ve got nothing left. This is what I deserve though. I’ve created this life I’m living and have no one to blame but myself.

***

After the meeting I run into Macy on the way back to the dorms. She looks slightly panicked and I just assume she already heard. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she did.

“You got a second?” she asks nervously.

I nod, “Sure.” We start walking slowly back to the dorms.

“So,” she takes a deep breath and fidgets with her hands. “I haven’t got my period in a while.”

I stop walking and I’m pretty sure I’ve stopped breathing at this point.

“What did you say?” I have to make sure I heard her right.

She turns toward me but doesn’t look me in the eyes, “I know this is shitty timing with the Bowl coming up but I don’t know what else to do.”

Before I realize what I’m saying I blurt out, “Is it Cash’s?”

Macy looks like I’ve just slapped her and I mentally smack myself for not thinking before I speak.

She shakes her head in disbelief, “No, asshole.” Finally, she looks into my eyes and I know she’s telling the truth. “I’ve only ever been with you. At least I know I can say that and it’s not a lie.” Macy takes a step back. “Forget it, Landon. Forget I even mentioned it. I’ll handle it.”

“You took those pills at that party and blacked out.” My hands start sweating.
How could this be?
“How do you know you didn’t sleep with anyone else?” I’m freaking the fuck out.

“Un-fucking-believable. I was with Heather, you idiot.”

I laugh sarcastically, “Well, that makes me feel better. She’s more of a whore than your sister.”

Macy’s eyes go wide in surprise, “You pissed Madison won’t sleep with you or wait, she already has, hasn’t she?”

She’s being a snarky bitch today and if I weren’t so fucking pissed off at the world it’d probably turn me on. “Believe me, Macy, if I want to fuck Madison, I can. Anytime.” I’m being a dick but fuck it.

Her eyes pool with tears and it should make me want to take it back but I don’t. I can’t deal with this shit right now. My head falls back and I look up to the sky and curse.
Can anything else go wrong?

I shove my hands in my pockets, “Macy,” I croak out suddenly feeling like I’ve swallowed a bunch of knives. She stands there with her hands on her hips and my eyes flicker to her stomach for a brief minute. “I’m sorry.”

I turn around and leave her standing there. I don’t know why I said I’m sorry but it felt like it needed to be said. My mind is going in all different directions, my vision is going blurry. I need to get the hell out of here but I don’t know where to go.

What the hell am I going to do if she’s pregnant? I can’t raise a baby, I’m barely surviving myself. How would I support them? I probably just lost my chance to play in the NFL.

December 5, 2013

Days turn into nights.

Time stands still, or does it at least feel that way?

After receiving the shitty news that I’d lost my scholarship and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes and then getting the final blow from Macy that she’s late I went straight to the liquor store and stocked up on whiskey. Then I met up with Jay and told him to triple my normal stash. I’ve finally hit rock bottom. I thought things were fucked up before but now they are even more.

Some days I wish it would have been me who died in that accident. I don’t deserve to be here. Everything I touch turns to shit and I’m left with nothing. The only thing that I still have is Macy and it’s only a matter of time before she’s gone for good. I’ve got to cut strings once and for all if she doesn’t turn out to be pregnant. I’m going to ruin her and I’ll never be able to live with myself if I do. I know I can do no wrong in Macy’s eyes and maybe that’s what is wrong with us. She’s never blamed me for anything that’s happened, nothing. Where I choose to numb my emotions Macy chooses to numb her feelings with me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, how else could she deal with me knowing I’ve hooked up with other girls during our on again, off again relationship.

***

I’ve kept myself in a high, drunken state for days now. I don’t want to feel anything, I want the numbness. I need it. Being high keeps me calm and being drunk is getting me out of rage that I would be feeling for ruining my life.

It’s just sometime before midnight and another day almost passed when I find myself at the one place I’ve been trying to keep myself from. I lean against the wall at the end of Macy’s hall. My knee is throbbing, I bend down to rub it and nearly fall over. Some girl passes by staring at me but doesn’t say anything. When my hand finally finds my knee I notice my jeans are ripped and there is blood staining them. “Damn.”

I right myself again and stumble down the hall trying to find Macy’s room. I knock on one door thinking it was hers but some girl wrapped in a towel answers. She gives me an inviting smile then reaches for my hand. I let her pull me into her room, who wouldn’t when she’s already naked and probably ready for me. She pushes me up against the back of the door and my head thumps against it. Some of the fog clears and I realize what the hell I was about to do. Everything is in slow motion and before I can react her lips are on mine.

I open my eyes and see the wrong color staring back at me. I grip her arms and push her away from me.

“Ow,” she cries out. I look down at my hands and I see double.

I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head trying to get my bearings. I let go of her and try to get the door to open but it takes me a few times. When I get back in the hallway I trip and fall, “Fuck.”

I roll onto my back as my stomach recoils from being jarred around. Where the hell am I? I roll back over onto my stomach and it protests. I know this hallway. I get to my hands and knees and crawl to the nearest door.

I bang on it with my fist yelling, “Macy!”

The door flies open and I fall forward.

“Damn it, Landon.” Heather.
Finally the right door.

Heather reaches down and tries to help me up, “Fuck, you’re heavy,” Heather says, straining.

She gets me up and all but throws me on Macy’s bed and everything fades to black.

Chapter Six

December 5, 2013

Macy

It’s late and when Cash calls me and asks me to go get a cup of coffee with him, I don’t hesitate. We don’t really talk about much, we just needed each other’s company.

Cash takes a sip of his coffee and I blurt out, “I gave Will a lap dance.”

He coughs, choking on his coffee. “Damn, Macy.” He wipes his mouth. “A little better timing next time.”

I laugh and it feels good. “Sorry.”

He shakes his head, “No, you’re not.” Then he throws his napkin at me. “So, Will? Do I know him?”

“Probably not.” I shake my head, “He’s this, hot nerdy kid in my business strategy class.”

He looks confused. “The kid with the black rimmed glasses who runs whenever I get near you?”

I giggle and look away, “Yeah, that one.”

“Ha,” Cash laughs, “How’d that happen?”

I glance around the coffee shop at all the different people who are coming and going. “I was drunk.” I can’t tell Cash about taking the pills that were meant for Madison.

Cash laughs.

I cover my face with my hands, “I broke his glasses apparently too.”

Cash throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, man.” He belly laughs grabbing his stomach. “I need to see that.”

I shake my head. “Heather has the video.”

Cash laughs even harder. “I’m sure half the school has seen it now.”

I shake my head. “She wouldn’t. I’ve got blackmail on her.”

I sigh and my phone dings. I dig through my purse looking for it.

Heather 10:15 pm: Text me before you come home.

Frowning at my phone I tap out a reply.

Me 10:16 pm: Everything ok?

Heather 10:19 pm: yup

Cash clears his throat, “You okay?”

I nod. “Yeah.” I finish off my coffee. “I’m going to get going. Walk me back?”

Cash stands. “Let’s go.”

When we make it to the dorms I text Heather.

Me 10:39 pm: I’m walking up.

Heather 10:40 pm: K

Heather is standing out in the hall with her arms crossed leaning against the doorframe. My steps slow and my stomach tightens. Something isn’t right.

“Heather,” I say cautiously.

“Hey,” she smiles timidly, “you have a guest but I wanted to give you some warning first.” Heather looks to the closed door like she can see through it before her eyes meet mine once again. “He’s high as a kite and drunk off his ass. He’s been here since I first texted you. I didn’t know what he was going to do so I didn’t want to bother you right away.”

I nod. Would he really be any other way? He’s been self-destructing since I told him that I might be pregnant. It’s eating at me that he’s acting like this but really, what did I expect?

She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her keycard to the dorms, “I’m going to go hang out with Declan. Text me if you need me.”

I nod again. I want to beg her to stay, to not let me deal with this, but I don’t. I let her go. She doesn’t need this bullshit in her life; I’ve already dragged her into it enough.

When I can no longer see Heather I take a deep breath and focus on the energy that I’m going to need to deal with Landon. He’s been coming over more and more often higher than a fucking kite. Most of the time he just sleeps it off or he just wants to hold me. We rarely ever speak to one another, what’s there to say? To be real honest I don’t even think he remembers coming to my room every night because by the time I wake up in the morning he’s gone and I don’t hear from him until the next night.

Pushing open the door Landon is lying face down on my bed lightly snoring. He’s dressed in dark jeans and a light grey t-shirt. He has one sneaker on and the other is laying on the floor.

I set my purse on my desk and turn on the lamp so I have a little light in my room. I slip off my shoes and remove my jacket hanging it on the back of my desk chair. Sighing, I walk over to Landon and try nudging his leg. He doesn’t respond at first so I do it again and this time he grunts and moves his leg up to his chest. I nudge his other leg and it follows suit. Landon is now lying in a fetal position in the middle of my bed.

I stare at his long body folded up in the middle of my tiny bed. My heart aches. I miss the times when we used to lie in bed for hours just wrapped in each other’s arms. But he’s created this barrier between us and I hate it. Looking to Heather’s room I think about crawling up and falling asleep on her bed but I don’t, unsure if she’ll be home later. I reach for my pillow and blanket that Landon is thankfully not lying on and toss it on the cold hard floor. I should feel guilty for not covering his sleeping body but I don’t. I’m getting tired though of always being his pillow when he’s crashed and burned every night.

Not bothering to change out of my clothes because I’m physically and emotionally too tired from not sleeping the night before I get myself situated on my makeshift bed. It’s rare that I ever really sleep, haven’t in three years. On the nights Landon is here though I sleep like a baby knowing he’s here with me and no one else. He’s still holding on to me even if it is only by a string. My head hits the pillow and minutes later my eyes grow heavy and are off to dream land.

December 6, 2013

I feel like I’m floating in mid-air suspend above the ground and it’s absolute heaven. I feel alive, I feel better than I have in a long, long, time. Then I’m being laid in a cloud only it’s not, it’s my bed. I blink a few times clearing the sleep from my eyes. Landon is staring at me breathing hard, he smells of smoke and whiskey. I don’t know if he’s mad at himself or me. He can’t be mad at me, I didn’t do anything. He showed up at my place, I didn’t ask him to come here.

Then he answers my thoughts, “You smell like Cash,” he says, still breathing hard.

“I was with Cash last night, Landon. It’s why I wasn’t here when you showed up.”

Landon’s body tenses and then I realize what I said didn’t quite come out right.

“Not like that.” I shake my head, “I meant I was with Cash last night getting coffee.” Landon relaxes slightly. “And talking, that’s it.”

Landon stares into my eyes daring me to blink, daring me to show him that I’m lying to him. “I don’t like it, Macy.”

I huff. Here is the Landon I love. The one who thinks he still owns me, the one that wants to be with me. “You don’t have to.” I bring my hand up to wipe a piece of hair out of my face, “But since we’re confessing our dislikes I’ll join in. I don’t like it when you fuck those other girls.”

Landon laughs sarcastically, “I’m not
fucking
anyone.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you don’t.” I bring my hand between our bodies. I need to feel his heartbeat beneath my touch. It calms me in a twisted way. “What are you doing here?”

He makes eye contact again and holds it. I don’t blink; he has me hypnotized by his piercing blue eyes. “I needed you.”