Surrender to Me (5 page)

He
accused me of cheating on him with Harper, and yes, I was guilty of cheating
emotionally on him, for not being honest with him about my friendship with
Harper. But he was also being dishonest by not telling me about Indie. I may
have lied, but I never cheated, because Jasper owned me heart, body and soul.

I
don’t want to continue on with this conversation because I feel a steady bout
of nausea approaching.

Living
in Singapore, I could almost pretend it didn’t hurt as much as it did, but
there never was a day I didn’t think about Jasper. And now seeing him, I have
nowhere to run to.

Dominique
claps her hands. “Tres Bon. We are finished.”

I
look over at Jasper and nod, decoding her words to relate to mine and Jasper’s
relationship.

“Yeah,
we most definitely are.”

I
storm off to collect my clothes, and also my heart.

Chapter 5

Singapore

I
am on edge.

I
cannot sit still.

I
am seeing Jasper in approximately ten hours, fifty four minutes and twelve
seconds, not that I’m counting or anything. I haven’t seen him for weeks, and
those weeks have been the longest, most depressing weeks of my life. I can say
that with conviction, as I thought my life was unbearable when I broke up with
Harper, ha! That was a walk in the park compared to these feelings of longing
for Jasper.

I
am so proud of him. His band ‘Passengers of Ego’ have been signed to a major
record label, but I never expected anything less. With Jasper on lead vocals,
they were bound for stardom, as he has talent AND looks, so it’s a win-win for
any record label. Jasper really doesn’t think it is a big deal, but that’s
Jasper; he’s so humble and grateful with life. And that’s why I love him so
much.

P.O.E are
supporting ‘Flames’ in Singapore tonight, and I am on the edge of my seat. And
I mean I am literally on the edge of my seat, listening to the ramblings of my
ex over coffee, in a café on campus. When did my life become so backward?

“Why
won’t you reconsider?”

I
look at Harper Holden, my ex and my first love. Yes he is attractive, in his
smart business suit and freshly shaven face, but he’s not Jasper. He doesn’t
take my breath away, just by walking into a room. He doesn’t set me on fire
with a single touch. And he doesn’t own me, mind, body and soul like Jasper
does.

Leaving
Jasper to pursue my culinary career in Singapore was the hardest decision of my
life, and the thought of leaving Jasper was unbearable. But the thought of not
pursuing my dream in life, was worse. I didn’t want to be that sad lost girl I
was when I was with Harper. I wanted to be a better person, be happy with the
reflection staring back at me every day. And I wanted that, because I yearned
to be a better woman for Jasper. He deserved that because he gave me his
everything, and I wanted to return the sentiment. If I didn’t make the choice
to leave and pursue my dreams of becoming the best I could be, then I would
have regretted it for the rest of my life. And I didn’t want to associate that
regret with Jasper. He understood and he let me go, promising he would wait for
me, regardless of the time it took for me to come home to him.

How
did I get so lucky?

So,
the question my ex wants me to reconsider is, will I marry him. And I tell him
what I told him the last time he asked, No. Not now. Not ever. No. And he gives
me the same response as last time. Why won’t I reconsider? This is the second
time he’s asked, and I am seriously rethinking my decision of forgiving Harper.

I
am proud of myself for actually being able to say no to him. If Harper Holden
asked me to marry him the last time I was in Singapore, the answer would have
definitely been a lot different. I would now be a married woman, and I would
have never met Jasper. I shudder at the thought, because a life without Jasper
in it is a freakin’ sad one.

"Ava,
have you heard a word I've said?" snaps Harper, annoyed at my lack of
interest.

Looking
into those blue eyes, I realize how different I am, how I have achieved my
goals by coming here. I have become a braver, stronger person, and I did that
for myself, but I also did it for Jasper.

"Well, if
you won’t marry me, the least you can do is have dinner with me tonight."
Harper is a persistent man, hence him being promoted into a role where
persistence is a must.

Thinking
about tonight, it most certainly will not be spent with Harper, because in ten
hours, fifty two minutes and thirty four seconds, I'll be with Jasper.

However
I start to feel guilty, as I have not told either that I am in contact with the
other. Harper has no idea Jasper exists, and Jasper, he is more than aware of
Harper’s existence, he just doesn't know he exists in the same room as me.

I
know he would explode if I told him I was in contact with Harper, and that I
had forgiven him for being such an ass. Jasper would never understand why I
forgave him, because sometimes, I question my decision. But I would rather let
bygones be bygones and move on, as it is easier seeing Harper, than it is
ignoring him, as like I said, he is a persistent man.

When
Jasper questions if I've seen Harper, and my answer is no, it's because
technically I haven't seen him that day. I know, I know, totally not cool, but
it’s not an issue in my eyes because I see Harper maybe once a week, if that,
and when I do see him, it’s for an hour, tops.  And any time spent with him,
all I do is think about Jasper.

The
times when Harper and I catch up, it is typically me listening to him talk
about work, or me studying while he is on his cell, so it’s really only a one
way conversation, which suits me, just fine. I would rather just see him, than
have to deal with him blowing up my phone, or turning up at my school
unannounced. We always meet at a café as I don’t want him in my home, as I
think that’s crossing a line, a personal line. And that’s the reason why I
haven’t told Harper about Jasper. I don’t want him to know, I don’t want him
crossing that personal line, and tainting something he will never understand.

Harper
has claimed its part of his therapy to make amends with me so he can move on,
and if moving on means, moving on and out of my life, then I can sacrifice an
hour of my time every so often.

See,
I have matured from the whiney little crybaby I once was.

School
is turning out to be so much more than I expected. I am lucky to be learning
amongst Asia's best chefs working at Bob-Muk-Ja, the renowned restaurant where
I work.  The restaurant is situated on Orchard Road, the place to be when in
Singapore.

Orchard Road has lush historic Angsana trees enhancing the
beauty of the street, and in the midst of all that beauty is Bob-Muk-Ja, the
restaurant where I work.
I was selected by my teachers to undertake my
placement here, and if I am fortunate enough, they might consider hiring me
after my placement ends.

Harper clears
his throat as I have totally spaced again, and as I look into his hard blue
eyes, I see he is looking at me expectantly, waiting for my answer to his
dinner request.

“No,
I'm working tonight.”  Which is partially true.

"Then
I'll come to your work, and we can go out after you're finished.” Why is he
being so stubborn?

“No,"
I reply a little too animatedly.

Nervously
fiddling with my coffee cup, I quickly try to come up with a plausible excuse. 

"No,
you can’t. Chef Chang doesn’t like me having friends come visit while I’m
working.” That was really not the plausible excuse I was aiming for, but it’ll
have to do.

“Really?
That's news to me. Last time I was there, he shouted me his famous dish,"
Harper says, looking unbelieving of my excuse.

I
have never been a very good liar, but why do I owe him an explanation? That’s
right, I don’t.

Annoyed
I stand up, making a point of looking at my watch. “I’m late for class, sorry I
gotta run.” I try to make a quick exit and fail.

Drat!

“Ava,
why are you avoiding my question?”

“Which
one?” I snap quickly.

Harper
asking me to marry him again has freaked me out, and I am genuinely uncertain
to which he is referring to.

“Both,”
he barks.

I
blow my bangs off my face in frustration, as I am so sick of having this
conversation with Harper. You think he’d get the point already, I said no, and
just because he has apologized in every way possible, and in every language
possible, for smashing my heart to smithereens, does not change my answer.

Nor
will it ever.

“I’ll
talk to you later Harper.” I turn to leave, but he grabs my wrist.

Staring
down at his hand, with both eyebrows raised, he gets the hint and quickly
removes his fingers.

“I’m
just trying to make things right between us Ava,” he promptly says when he
witnesses my displeasure of having his hands on me.

“Just
a heads up, when a girl says no and you don’t respect her decision, that is not
making things right with her.” I sarcastically grin, and he finally seems to
understand that this conversation is over.

“Fine,
I’ll see you later then.” He stares in the opposite direction; arms crossed,
sulking like a child.

I
quickly depart before he starts with another interrogation, as I have better
things to do, like getting ready to see the one and only Jasper White.

Chapter 6

Close Enough is Never Enough

S
ingapore

I
am pacing the room, biting my nails anxiously.

When
I told Harper I was working tonight, I wasn’t lying. I just wasn’t working my
full shift. I couldn’t get out of work to see Jasper perform, because unless
you were on your deathbed, a student doesn’t call in sick or take time off.

But
I made a deal with my boss. If he let me work half my shift, I would make up
the other half, by doing all the shitty jobs everyone else hated doing when
Jasper left, two days from now. It was a deal well made, because it meant I
could spend two whole days with Jasper while he was here in Singapore. I would
happily scrub the boy’s toilets, if it meant I could have Jasper to myself.

Hopefully
it won’t come to that.

After
my shift, I speed back to my apartment nervous as hell, as I haven’t seen him
for so long, and I am so anticipating our reunion.

After
trying on ten different outfits, I finally decide on my short denim skirt and
tight white ‘Little Sisters’ t-shirt. I figure wearing the t-shirt of the bar
we first met at as appropriate, and I am sure Jasper will see the significance
in it. My hair is straightened, but due to this clammy summer, I am sure it’s
not as straight as I would like it to be. I have a shorter fringe which I
recently cut, which shapes my face nicely. The soft grey shimmer I’ve applied
to my upper lids gives my brown eyes a smoky appearance, and a sheer lip gloss
plumps up my already full lips. Applying a light bronzer to my cheeks, I
nervously peer into the full length mirror and cringe, scolding myself for my
outfit choice.

Quickly
yanking off my t-shirt, I hunt through my discarded clothing which I’ve thrown
to the floor in mania, and am only in my black lacy bra, attempting to find
something more appropriate.

When
You Were Young by The Killers is blaring over my speakers as music calms me,
and at the moment, I need an oasis of tranquility. I have this song on repeat
as it reminds me of Jasper and me. Of course whenever I think about Jasper, the
first thing I think about are his eyes, and I combust at the memory, as I
haven’t looked into those eyes for so long. A longing hits me in the stomach,
and suddenly, I get really, really excited.

I
start jumping around the room, dancing to the chorus and singing into my
hairbrush like a wannabe rockstar. I attempt, but fail at an inelegant
pirouette which results in me tripping over my bag.

Then
it sinks in, I am really going to see him and soon.

Dropping
to my knees and searching through the chaotic pile of clothes on the floor, I
need to stop with the procrastination and get dressed, because Jasper will be
here, right about...now.

“Hey
baby.” I stop ransacking my clothes and look at my bag.

Did
it just say hello to me? In Jasper’s voice? I reach for it without delay, and
search frantically for my phone, in fears I have called him when I was living
out my ballerina dreams.

Looking
at the screen quickly, it thankfully reveals I didn’t accidently call him, but
I am sure I heard his voice.

Still
on my knees, with my back to the door, I am seriously debating my sanity, when
I suddenly smell Jasper. That warm woody fragrance that is all him, hits my
nostrils, and I shiver at the memory of inhaling that scent, my face pressed
into his neck with him moving deep inside of me. What the hell is wrong with
me? My imagination has never been this vivid before!

Before
I can process another thought, a pair of warm familiar hands wrap around my
waist, pulling me against a warm familiar chest. Gasping at the contact, I know
I am not losing my mind, because Jasper is actually here. He has me wrapped in
his tender embrace, and I madly turn around to face him, needing to verify what
I know to be true.

Jasper
White is on his knees before me.

Seeing
those striking cerulean eyes, crinkling at the corners with laughter, my heart
begins kicking against my ribcage impatiently. He is biting his lip in
amusement, and I want to be the one doing the biting. My fingers twitch,
desperate to fist that messy, but styled hair, as it looks just how I remember
it-perfect bedroom hair.

He
is wearing blue ripped jeans, a black shirt which is unbuttoned over a white
t-shirt, and his usual black combat boots, complete his attire.

I
can’t help my actions because even if I tried to stop myself, I honestly have
no control over my body as I throw myself onto him. And I mean literally.

He
luckily knows me all too well and catches me, and I make good on my wants and
start assaulting his lips in fervor, pushing him onto the floor. Kissing him
with so much passion, renders me breathless, but he matches my enthusiasm,
kissing me like I am his lifeline.

In
this moment, I cannot get close enough to Jasper, so I push my body into his,
attempting to merge myself with his very soul. But still, the distance is too
great.

Jasper
takes a hold of the back of my neck, and flips me over, so now I am the one
with my back sinking into the carpet.  He begins kissing and nipping my throat
feverishly, and my flesh is burning up, but I want more. Arching my neck
backwards, Jasper takes that as an invitation to put his tongue to good use. He
starts at the tip of my chin, and licks his way down to the hollow in my neck,
where he twirls his tongue lazily. I tug his tousled hair firmly and when I
don’t let go, I hear him grunt in zeal.  My body jolts in pure delight, and he
continues on with his exploration.

Sliding
down my body, he arrives at the junction between my breasts and stops, peering
up at me hungrily. Dropping my hands from his hair and placing them around his
neck, I take a peek at him and gasp when I see the deep blue of his eyes
absorbed with wanton need. I am waiting for him to move, or talk or lick or
whatever, because I am freakin’ panting like a wild animal in heat! He rewards
me with a smirk, with his dimples on parade, and I bite my lip, wanting this
man like yesterday.

Sensing
my need, he kisses down my chest, and I close my eyes, placing my hands by my
side, wishing I had something to hold onto because I am coming apart.

Opening
my legs to accommodate Jasper and feeling the cool air brush over my core,
suggests he has pushed my underwear aside. But I’m too scared to look at him,
because I know once I do, I am going to explode. I am waiting with bated breath
because he’s stopped, so peeking open an eye, I witness him sitting back on his
heels, staring at me.

Why
has he stopped?

Suddenly
blushing, I question if I have accidentally worn my laundry day panties. It
wouldn’t surprise me as I was not thinking straight when I got dressed.
Attempting to shut my legs, he quickly stops me by grabbing onto my thigh, his
thumb beginning to rub soft circles on the inside of my leg.

He
has an unreadable look on his face, so shyly biting my lip, I whisper, “Why did
you stop?”

He
takes a deep breath and closes his eyes briefly, steadying himself. When he
re-opens them, I can see why he stopped. He is trying to pace himself, and I am
all but celebrating in self-gratification that he is as turned on as me.

Gliding
his hand over the apex of my thigh, he replies hoarsely, “Because you are so
beautiful, and I have missed you so fucking much. I needed a moment to take
this all in and make sure I wasn’t dreaming.”

I
give him a small smile. “You’re not dreaming. I’m here.”

Crisscrossing
my legs as his hand passes over my core, I struggle to speak because I am
melting under his skillful fingers.

“I’ve
missed you too.”

He licks his
lips. “Show me. Show me how much you’ve missed me.”

No
need to ask me twice!

Leaning up
onto my elbows and yanking onto the front of his shirt, I pull him down to my
mouth, and feel him smirking under my lips.

Enough
with the talking as I need to feel his skin up against mine, and by the way he
is ripping his shirt off and tossing it over his shoulder, he feels the same.
After our separation we are like wild animals, devouring each other.

Tugging
the hem of his t-shirt up, and running my hands over his hard abdominals has me
panting, and the silky feel of him gliding under my fingertips is enough to
leave me internally combusting. And his exploration of me is adding to that
combusting.

His hands are
everywhere, caressing my legs, over my waist, up my tummy, over my breasts and
over my face. All the while our lips never part, but I need more, and by the
arousal digging deep into my stomach, he’s on the same page as me.

Quickly
undoing his belt, I bite back my moan when he slips his hand into my bra,
yanking the cup down under my breast. He then begins caressing my nipple
between his thumb and forefinger, and that nipple is now on fire!

With
his other hand, he places a finger into our entwined mouths, wetting the tip
and pulling it out quickly as he circles it around my nipple. I buckle at the
sensation, and as the cool breeze from the fan passes over us, the air catches
over my chest, and I shiver in delight. My stiff nipple, mixed with Jasper’s
mouth assaulting mine is too much, and I buck my hips under his, coaxing him to
where we both want him to be.

Unzipping
his jeans, I thrust my hand into his pants eagerly, feeling he’s gone commando,
and I groan my appreciation of feeling him in the flesh.

He
senses my approval and breaks contact with my mouth.

“Wow.
If I knew not wearing underwear got you so hot, I would have burnt every pair I
owned months ago.”

I
let out a tiny giggle, but I am a woman on a mission, and this is not the time
to talk. Grabbing onto him, he shudders as I slowly caress him, reacquainting
myself with his perfection.

God,
I've missed him. 

But
for some insane reason, he stops me with his hand stilling over mine. I rear up
to bite his lip in protest, and he pulls away, grinning.

With
my hand still gripped around his impressive length, he looks down at me. The
passion in his eyes mirrors mine, so I don’t understand why he stopped me.

"Don't
you want me to touch you?" I ask in breathless anticipation.

These
are not the first words I thought I would exchange with Jasper at our reunion.
But I should have learnt by now, never presume anything when Jasper is
involved.

He
takes a visible breath. "Baby, I can't even begin to tell you how badly I
want you to touch me. But you keep doing that, and it's gonna be over in five
minutes, with no encore."

Laughing
softly as he is always so eloquent, I whisper, "I don't care.” And I nudge
his hand off mine to continue what I started.

Leaning
his head back, wisps of his messy hair blow in the breeze when the fan passes
over us, and I can’t take this sight of pure magnificence any longer. I need to
taste him.

Shoving
him hard, he loses balance, falling onto his back, and I take this opportunity
to slide down his body to where I want to be. Licking his very delectable V
muscle, I can feel him breathing heavily under my lips, and starting my
descent, I lick down his hipbones leisurely.

However,
before I can take him into my mouth, he hisses a curse through his teeth and
sits up, flipping me onto my back while pinning my arms above my head. He has
both my hands in one of his, and with the other, he unzips my skirt, sliding it
down my legs, and it too joins his discarded clothes on the floor.

I
am outstretched, arms above my head, restrained in Jasper's vice like grip,
waiting for his next move.  And judging by the look in his beautiful eyes, I'm
going to like this new move a lot.

"Leave
your arms above your head," he commands, gazing down my body.

I
nod, not daring to challenge him with the frenzied look on his face. He reaches
behind me to unclip my bra and as it snaps open, he lowers my arms while
dragging the straps down my shoulders, removing it from my writhing body.

His
grin spreads from cheek to cheek as he repositions my hands above my head, and
I groan in needy desire.

He
works my nipples, lapping at them with his skillful tongue, and I am ashamed of
the noises coming out of me. His stubble is lightly scratching my skin, and the
sensation, along with his smell, is driving me crazy.

I
need him inside. Now.

Attempting
to move my arms to rip off my underwear, he stills me as he takes a hold of my
hands, placing them back above my head.  His dimples are beaming, and his mouth
is luscious and full from kissing me so passionately.

He
stares down at me and smirks. "Patience baby."

"Any
more patient and I will be canonized a saint,” I reply, blowing my fringe off
my sweaty forehead.

He
licks his bottom lip slowly, totally unaware of his actions, and I close my
eyes before I detonate. Finally, I feel him slipping off my underwear and the
cool breeze hits my soaked center. My senses are on high alert, and I shiver
from the erotic sensation of him running the tip of his finger up my needy
core. As I hear Jasper undressing, my body begins buzzing in heightened
anticipation.

When
his chest presses up against mine, he murmurs a satisfied sigh, and thankfully
my eyes are still closed, because seeing Jasper like this will set me off.

"Open
your eyes for me Ava,” he whispers, his lips caressing my temple.

I
open them slowly and take in all things Jasper.

His
hair has that wild bedroom look, his lips are puffy from kissing me so
forcefully and his eyes, as always, take my breath away. They are filled with
love and worship, and I buckle under that stare. I want him so badly I am
trembling in need, and he senses my desire as I wrap my legs around his waist,
pulling him close. He releases my arms, kissing my temple softly, before
pushing into me slowly.