Surrender to Me (14 page)

Chapter 14

Gone with the Wind

T
he next day, V and
I drive down to Dominique’s for V’s dress fitting. I am super excited to see
her dress, and hope the snooty Dominique doesn’t ruin my mood.

We enter the shop, and Dominique comes floating out from behind the
counter to greet V with a kiss on both cheeks.

“Oh Cherie, you look tres belle.”

“Thank you Dominique. I feel nervous about seeing the dress.”

“Oh non, don’t be. You will look like a princess.”

She looks over at me, not down her nose this time thankfully.

“Salut Ava. Sit
S'il vous plait
while Veronica tries on the dress.”

I plonk onto the circular sofa as V and Dominique venture out the
back.

Peering around the shop, I get a knot the size of my fist in my
stomach, and I don’t know why I keep behaving this way when confronted with
wedding commodities. What am I going to be like when it’s my turn to try on my
wedding dress? I cringe at the thought.

But deep down, I know if Jasper was the one I was marrying, I would
not be having this mini meltdown. However, before I can dissect my behavior any
further, I hear Dominique talking to V in French. I have no idea what she is
saying and I doubt V does either, but it doesn’t matter because as soon as my
best friend comes out from her dressing room, nothing else matters.

“Well, what do you think?” asks V nervously, as she stands before
me.

I am gobsmacked. V can make any garment look good, but this dress,
it was made for her.

“Ava?” she asks anxiously when I don’t answer her.

My best friend has transformed into a princess overnight. Her dress
is a stunning ivory ball gown, which complements her dark hair. There is layer
upon layer of tulle that comes out at the waist, and sweeps the floor into a long
train. It is strapless and bunches around the bust line, and is set off with
beautiful beading, fringing the top of the dress. When she spins around, I
notice it ties into a corset back.

“Well?”

“Oh V,” I coo.

I can’t help myself, and I burst into tears.

“Is it bad?” she cries. “Oh my God, I look like Bridal Barbie, don’t
I?”

I shake my head, tears spilling over my lashes.

“You look beautiful,” I whisper.

“Then why are you crying?”

Shrugging, I cover my face with my palms, as I don’t want to tell
her the reason for my howling. And that reason is one I have been avoiding
since my return. I know deep down, I can’t marry Harper, as just the thought of
trying on a wedding dress sends me into a tailspin.

V picks up her gown and I hear her swishing over to me.

“Why are you back together with Harper?” she asks while sitting near
me, squashing me with all her tulle.

She knows what has caused my sadness, but this is about her, not me.
So I decide to take the easy way out.

“I love him,” I quietly reply, removing my hands from my face.

I knew this conversation would take place, but I didn’t anticipate
how hard it would be to discuss. And I certainly didn’t think it would happen
now.

“Oh bullshit, you do not! We both know who you love, and it ain't
that well to-do snob. I won't even touch on your new wardrobe because we don’t
have all day to tackle that issue.”

Lowering my eyes, I smooth out my pencil skirt nervously.

V witnesses my discomfort and places her hand on my forearm. “You're
different Ava. It's like you've been brainwashed by some cult where Harper is
your messiah. Oh God, please tell me that's not what's happened.” Her eyes
widen, afraid of my response.

“No, of course not V, stop being so melodramatic,” I sniffle, amused
by her overactive imagination.

“Then what is it? Explain it to me because I don't understand. You
went to Singapore for a new beginning, but you've done nothing but dig up old,
unhealthy relationships. I know you aren't happy, and I know you are hiding
something from me.”

I nervously look away from her inquisitive eyes searching my face.

“Talk to me. There was a time you told me everything. I feel like I
don't even know you anymore. This distant attitude, it’s not you. These
clothes, they aren't you. They are Harper. Remember him, the guy that almost
turned you into a drooling basket case.” She grips my forearm tighter,
encouraging me to answer her truthfully.

“He's different.”

“Oh God, no he's not! He's still the same, spoilt arrogant jackass,
who not so long ago discarded you like yesterday's trash,” she yells grabbing
her dress, and bunching the tulle between her fists.

Cringing at her analogy, I can't find the fight in me to argue with
her.

“Why are you punishing yourself?”

I take a deep breath, but still words evade me.

“It's because of Jasper, isn't it? You won't forgive yourself for
lying to him will you? You think you deserve someone like Harper because you're
not worth anything more.”

How the hell does this girl do it?

I just shake my head, not wanting to discuss this. I feel guilty as
I have ruined a moment that should be filled with happiness.

V throws her hands in the air, and races to the change room in a
huff.

Wow, that was easy.

Or so I thought.

“Ava, God dammit, talk to me!” V lets out a frustrated sigh as she
stomps out two minutes later, changed and ready for battle.

“What do you want me to say? I’ve made my decision.”

I look at my best friend, in her pink sloppy joe and frayed denim
shorts. She looks how I used to look. I miss that look, and I miss how I used
to feel when I had that look.

“That decision is the wrong one, and you know it! Remember the time
when you and Jasper broke up, and you were sitting at my kitchen table,” she
says, sitting near me.

I nod quickly, biting my lip.

“You said how
do you keep fucking
up with him.”

The memory hurts like it only happened yesterday. “Yes of
course I remember, what’s your point?”

V searches my face. “Well is this one of those times?
Because if it is, Ava stop being an idiot and go talk to him. I saw the way you
both looked at one another the other night. You’re both either too stubborn or
too blind to fix this. And you’ve got rocks in your head if you think I will
just stand back and watch you throw your life away, being miserable with
Harper.”

I wish I could tell her without breaking down that I was
not the one who ended things. I am woman enough to admit that I was the one
that fucked up, but Jasper was the one who ended our relationship with that
impersonal note. I was willing to fight, fight for him, and fight for us. But
he wanted me to forget him, because he had forgotten me.

A tear slips down my cheek when I think how easy it was for
him to stop loving me. He is no better than Harper, because he too ripped out
my heart with his impersonal goodbye. Did I mean that little to him?

“Ava? Honey, please talk to me.” I hazily hear V talking,
but every one of my senses have gone numb.

This is why I don’t want to talk about Jasper. Whenever I
do, it induces these episodes of despair and grief, and each time it’s harder
and harder to dig my way out.

Barely holding back my tears, I confess, “It wasn’t totally
me this time V. Jasper made his choice, and it wasn’t me. I was easily enough
forgotten, so why would I waste my life on someone who doesn’t love me? Someone
who forgot me and didn’t have the decency to tell me to my face. I can’t do
that to myself because if,” and the sob I have been trying so hard to keep a
lid on, breaks free. “If I don’t change who I was when I was with him, I will
never move on. If I wear these ridiculously expensive clothes, and try to be a
different person, then maybe just maybe I can move on without crying myself to
sleep every night. Without thinking about him, of every minute, of every single
day.”

I can’t stop the tears now, and I drop my head into V’s lap
while she stokes my hair lovingly.

“I love your dress by the wa..way,” I stutter, caught up on
my tears. I feel like an ass for not complementing her on it sooner.

I hear her sniff back her tears, while I am staining her
denim with mine.

“Forget the dress Ava. I want you to listen to me. You
can’t change who you are Ava, you can veer off the path, but eventually you
will be back on it because that path is the right one for you. With or without
Jasper, you have to do that for yourself because this path you’re on, with
Harper, is going to lead to a never ending path of regret.”

I know she is right, but I only sob harder into my best
friend’s lap.

*****

I need some alone time.

After I balled my eyes out, I feel emotionally and physically
drained, so I decide to take a drive through the valley, and get lost in nature
for a few hours. 
I can't believe how much of a mess my
life is. I want to cry, but what's the point, because that’s not going to solve
my problems. I knew coming back here would result in me being an emotional
mess, but I never anticipated how much so.

And after last night’s conversation with Jasper, I am so confused
with his emotional bi-polar. He wants to be friends? Is he freakin’ serious?
Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this because I still have a billion more
hours till I leave.

Indicating, I take the exit, and the cosmic nothingness is exactly
what I need. I park my car on the gravel and take off my heels, throwing on my
flip flops. 

This place always brings back such happy memories because Jasper
took me here before he left for Chicago. It’s funny how in this time of confusion,
I have ended up here.

I hike through the valley and as usual, I am mesmerised by the
vastness of it. The stillness of the outdoors calms me and as I take a deep
breath, I feel my shoulders sag in relief.

The lush greenness is contrasted against the bright blue sky, and as
I look upwards, I see a red-tailed hawk soaring through the sky. It's funny how
I always feel relaxed when I see a bird flapping its wings. I remember telling
Jasper I wished I was a bird, of course I meant that metaphorically. Birds to
me represent freedom, and that's something I wish to be-free.

Arriving at the exact spot Jasper and I ended up at all those months
ago, I spread out my black hoodie I found in my backseat and sit down, my legs
out, crossing my ankles.

Looking out into the hills I reminisce, remembering how Jasper
reassured me that everything would be okay and he would never leave me. I scoff
at the thought as I wish he never promised me something he had no intention of
keeping.

The tears I have been trying to keep away break free, and as I start
to think about this whole clusterfuck of a situation, I also begin to think
about his note.

Clutching my bag to my ch
est which contains the note, I have
carried that piece of paper
with me
every day
since receiving it. And even with its dire message, it was from
Jasper and I couldn't throw it away.

Talk about a glutton for punishment!

There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t looked at it, and cried
endlessly over it. It is a reminder that no matter what happens, Jasper and I
are over. That note stopped me from begging on hands and knees, pleading for
forgiveness and reconciliation.

I have to move on because he has made his feelings perfectly clear,
by choosing the words he chose to say goodbye. I sob harder as I clutch my
bag tighter into my chest, wishing the note never existed. .

My throat is raspy and my eyes are red raw from crying, so I decide
to take a brief walk to clear my head. I leave my sweater where it is as I
intend to return soon.

Trekking through the valley for about twenty minutes in flip flops
is probably not the best idea, and as I look up into the sky and see some dark
clouds approaching, I decide to head back because I don’t have an umbrella or
raincoat handy, and I don’t want to catch pneumonia for V’s wedding.

As I reach my previous spot, I stop dead in my tracks. There is a
Fawn Lily flower lying in the centre of my sweater, and I look around, wondering
if maybe the wind may be behind its random appearance. But there are none of
these flowers growing nearby.

Walking over apprehensively, I crouch down to pick it up, bringing
it up to my nose, and smelling its sweet aroma.

I can smell another sweet aroma, but this fragrance does not belong
to a native plant. No, this smell is one I have memorized by heart. Closing my
eyes and inhaling deeply, I smell a warm woody fragrance that I can usually
smell when Jasper is near.