Summer of Seventeen (34 page)

“You’re on,” she whispered.

I had to let go of her hand to pull the piece of paper out of my ziplock, nearly dropping the darn thing into the sea. There was a ripple of laughter as I almost overbalanced.

I cleared my throat several times, and then spoke.

“Sean was a giant pain in the ass.”

Everyone laughed, and it made me even more nervous. I looked across to Yansi and she smiled at me encouragingly.

“I’m not sure Sean ever read a book, a whole book all the way through,” I stated, as more laughter rippled out, “but I think he’d have liked these words by Jack London. He wrote them back in 1911.

“ ‘The whole method of surf-riding and surf-fighting, I learned, is one of non-resistance. Dodge the blow that is struck at you. Dive through the wave that is trying to slap you in the face. Sink down, feet first, deep under the surface, and let the big smoker that is trying to smash you go by far overhead. Never be rigid. Relax. Yield yourself to the waters that are ripping and tearing at you. When the undertow catches you and drags you seaward along the bottom, don’t struggle against it. If you do, you are liable to be drowned, for it is stronger than you. Yield yourself to that undertow. Swim with it, not against it, and you will find the pressure removed. And, swimming with it, fooling it so that it does not hold you, swim upward at the same time’.”
My voice faltered and I had to take a deep breath before I could continue.
“ ‘It will be no trouble at all to reach the surface’.”

There was silence among the crowd of people, just the soft slap of water against our boards. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I folded the piece of paper.

“I never thought I’d be doing this,” I said, my cracked voice carrying across the water as the sun dipped toward the river in the west, and the sky darkened around us. “I never thought I’d be saying goodbye to Sean. I thought he’d always be there. And I didn’t get to say goodbye, so I’m going to say it now. Sean, buddy, thank you for everything you have ever done for me. For being there for me, for listening to what I say, for making sure I’m okay. I’ll never forget you till my last breath. I love you, man.”

Yansi gripped my hand, tears trickling down her cheeks.

She passed me the lei that she’d worn, and I threw it into the center of the circle. Julia did the same, and I knew that was for Mom. Everyone tossed in leis or small bouquets, and from the pier, flowers rained down from all the people who hadn’t been able to paddle out with us.

In our own way we each said goodbye.

Yansi squeezed my hand.

“You did great, baby. I love you.”

I nodded, but I couldn’t speak. I’d said enough words today.

I didn’t get much choice though, because dozens of people stopped to talk to me as I walked back up the beach. Each one had a story they wanted to share about Sean. Some were laughing quietly, several of the girls were crying (which I couldn’t help thinking Sean would have liked a lot), and most of the adults said something, like it was a darn shame and such a waste. I had to agree with that.

Sean’s mom and dad came down onto the sand from where they’d been watching on the pier, and I saw them wiping their eyes several times. I was glad they’d come; I was glad they’d finally learned that Sean was a good guy who was liked, loved, by a lot of people—even if it was too late.

His dad shook my hand. “Thank you,” he said.

It looked like he was trying to say more, but in the end he put his arm around Sean’s mom and they walked away, their heads bowed.

It took me an hour to get back to the car, but Julia and Ben were waiting for me.

Julia pulled me into a tight hug.

“Mom would have been so proud of you,” she said. “I am, too.”

It was dark by the time we drove home and unloaded the boards. The sky had turned purple, and stars were filling the night with diamond points of light.

A small piece of the weight that I’d be carrying fell away.
You should have been here, Sean. You shouldn’t have given in.

I guess I’d never really understand the decision he made; I hoped I never felt that desperate, that level of despair. Then Yansi’s hand curled around mine, and the world was a little bit right again.

“Can you come in for a while?” I begged, not willing to let her go yet.

She smiled, although her face was touched with sadness.

“Of course. Mami and Papi aren’t expecting me for a couple of hours.”

We walked upstairs hand in hand, and it seemed completely natural when we kicked off our flip-flops and lay on my bed, our bodies wrapped around each other.

“You did good today,” Yansi said, her voice soft. “I think Sean would have liked it. I can’t believe how many people showed up. I was watching his mom and dad. I think it really helped them. Did it help you?” she asked, stroking my shoulder.

“I don’t know if anything helps, but yeah, it felt right to say goodbye.”

Her arm moved around to my back, and even that feather light touch was enough to start my body getting worked up.

I knew she could feel me getting hard, and I started to move her hand away; it seemed kind of disrespectful when we’d just come from Sean’s memorial. And then I heard his voice in my head.

Don’t be a douche, man! She’s hot for it. You want to nail that while you can!

The thought made me smile.

“What?” asked Yansi, her hand resting under my t-shirt just below my shoulder blade.

“I was thinking what Sean would say if he could see us right now.”

Yansi scrunched up her nose. “Oh God, what a thought!” and she giggled. “But he’d probably be telling us to go for it, too.”

I laughed a little. “Yeah, I think he would have approved.”

She paused for a moment, then her face pressed against my chest. “What are you waiting for?” she asked, her voice lower now and totally fucking sexy.

That was all the permission I needed.

Yansi slid my t-shirt across my body, and I sat up, tugging it over my head. Her fingers trailed promises along my chest and stomach as I lay back down, a shiver making my whole body tremble, my eyelids fluttering closed, resting my hands above my head, surrendering to her, to love, to life, to tomorrow and the day after, and the next day and the next and the next.

Give me a lifetime of feeling this. Give me now and then and soon and when, and give me a future, give me life, give me hope.

My thoughts trail away and all I’m left with is sensation and touch and taste and her. All around me her,
and no one ever told me it would feel this good
.

My breath stutters in my chest as her warm lips kiss their way down my body, pausing to bite and tease my nipples, until my breath is ragged and sharp.

Her waist feels small and soft as my work-roughened hands drag across her skin, her breasts cool at the surface from the damp bikini, hot underneath as her blood rushes and trembles, turning her sweet caramel nipples to dark chocolate. Her t-shirt goes up and off, and her bikini top goes down and away, and I lean up on my elbows to touch and taste and make love to my girl.

I’m making love. Because we can and we want it and we need it; it heals us and fills us and saves us; a little crazy and a lot in love, because we can, because it’s us and the world still spins and the tide still falls, and the universe around us is too large and too dark, the stars pinned against the blackness, tiny points of light and hope. And that’s us, holding back the dark from this room, holding it away with arms of love because it’s so fucking fine, and blood throbs in my veins, and beats through my heart, and it’s her and hope and being here and living for now.

And we fight a little and struggle a little and laugh a lot as our clothes fall away, and it’s just us and skin and sheets and the misty future which is a lot like hope.

And the heated center of me is my heart and my dick, and she takes both, or I give them, or we meet half way, because she gave her heart to me, too. And her center shimmers and ripples above me, and she slides down my shaft, her soft moans shooting through my brain and across my skin and my cock pulsing inside her.

A slow trickle of sweat runs down her neck, pooling in the hollow of her collar bone and I trace it with my finger as her eyes full of fire and love and questions and answers gaze down at me as our bodies rock together.

“I love you too much, cariño,” she whispers, the words a soft moan.

And our bodies move together, heated in the night, blood boiling and rising, promises made and given, and love and sex and here and now, and her cries mingle with my tears, and she brushes them away with her fingers, my lips turning upward in a smile.

“I love you more than that,” I reply, because it’s true and it’s cheesy and it’s us and it makes her smile and makes me laugh, and we laugh for joy because we’re here and we’re alive and we have now and this moment, and we’ll take tomorrow, and the day after, and the next day and the next and the next.

So, on the day I said goodbye to my friend, I got to make love to my beautiful girlfriend, too. Like I said, I think Sean would have approved.

School started up the next day.

It was strange—I kept expecting to see him or hear him or find him leaning against my locker. It hurt so bad when I remembered that would never happen again. Sometimes I felt like giving up, but I didn’t. I studied hard enough to get mostly Bs—and an A in Spanish—and I thought about going to college.

Every Saturday, I worked with Mr. Alfaro, and I kept my job bussing tables and washing dishes at the Sandbar one or two evenings a week, saving my money, planning ahead. Every now and then I heard someone mention Marcus—last heard of in Bali, or maybe it was Fiji. Nobody talked about Sean, not his name anyway, just ‘that kid who drowned’. I never corrected them. I never said anything at all. After a while, no one remembered that he’d been my best friend. Except me.

I surfed alone and I didn’t hang out at the pier anymore. I missed it, and I didn’t.

Yansi and I were good, mostly. A year later, we graduated together, wearing the dumb graduation gowns and our Cocoa Beach High School medals.

No one thought we’d still be together after all this time, high school sweethearts and shit. We did break up once, but after a couple of weeks neither of us could stand being apart any longer.

Now we’re going away to college together. Like Marcus, as it turned out. Guy had a degree in Marine Biology. He never said.

Julia and Ben got engaged. They’re still not married. They’re waiting. What are they waiting for?
Don’t wait for life
, that’s what I want to tell them; that’s what I’ve learned. But I don’t. Because maybe you have to learn that for yourself. Maybe Julia’s way is right for Julia. I don’t understand her, but that’s okay, because I don’t need to understand her to love my sister. I had to learn that, too. But it’s okay. We’re okay.

Rob is taking a year to go traveling: Europe, surfing Indonesia, other places. I didn’t want to go. It was something I’d planned to do with Sean, so it just doesn’t feel right to go with anyone else. But I have another reason—I’m afraid that if I start traveling I’ll never stop. And I know that will have a cost—not just me, but Yansi and my sister, too. And I know it, because a part of me
is
like him, like Marcus. Camille was right about that, but she was wrong too, because I can choose. I can make that choice
not
to be like him. I choose to live in the world with the people that I love. And I still have a life to live—I just don’t know what that’s going to be. Not yet. But I’m hopeful.

I’ve gotten a little further with my dream of being a shaper and selling my own surfboard designs. Yansi talked me into studying Business at college so I’d have a better chance of making that dream come true. She’s good at that—making me see that I could really do things, do more than just dream.

I feel Yansi’s grip tighten and her thumb rubs over the back of my hand as I stare down at the grave. It’s covered with grass now, smooth, vivid green grass. I guess even cemeteries have sprinkler systems.

The flowers we left are long gone, but someone still comes here—his mother, his brothers, maybe his dad. Someone comes, but the people who loved him, we all remember.